I sat on the kitchen floor crying. I don’t think my mother has ever been so harsh and mean to me before. The yelling was a lot louder than my English teacher, and frightened me ten times as much. Regret was burning through my body like a wild fire. I wish I never had been kicked out of class, and then none of this would be happening.1
I knew, after today, mother will be different. It kills me when I think that I am the reason she is so often depressed. I know my father is the main reason, but me; a disappointment to her. She always dreamed of the perfect child. What I used to be. But now, I’m probably not even worthwhile to her anymore.2
I was slumped in an awkward position on the floor, that was causing me terrible pain, but I didn’t move. Eventually what seemed like hours I stood up and walked into my room. I lay on my bed and cried a little more. Why does life have to be so stupid? I wish I was not even alive anymore, what’s the point when you own father hates you; your mother most likely doesn’t like you; and you have no friends. Exactly, there IS no point. 3
In my dreams and thoughts it seemed so easy to take my life, all I would do is go to the pier and jump. But in reality it is so much harder. It is not as easy as just bending your legs and jumping. You have to have strength to actually go through with what you are attempting; something I have not an ounce of.4
“Knock Knock” I hear on my wooden door. I wiped my eyes and replied “Come in,” though only half heartedly. 5
My mum walked in the room, her eyes were as red as mine. “I’m sorry dear about before, but you have absoultely no idea how hard it is to raise a child like you. Daily phone calls from school because of your behaviour... it’s downright impossible.”6
She paused for a moment, looking as if she was trying to choose her words wisely and correctly. "Your grandmother and I think that our lives would be much easier if you were attending boarding school."7
“WHAT!” I exclaimed, enraged. “Boarding school. Like leaving here and living in a school with completely new people. Are you out of your mind?”8
“No, we think it would be for the best. Then you can have a completely fresh new start with your grades and behaviour. You can go back to being the old you,” she said, hoping I would not start an argument.9
“Even if I did go, I would never behave. Why should I? What’s going to happen to me if I don’t?” I replied angrily.10
“You will ruin your future if you don’t,” she replied just as angrily. 11
“My future is already ruined thanks to that stupid person I call my father,” I yelled back at her. 12
She made no attempt to calm me down whatsoever, but just left the room, quickly and quietly. I dove into my pillows. How could she do this to me? Boarding school is the one thing I have always hated the idea of. Who wants to spend their whole teenage life in a school? And the students probably are the nerdiest people you could ever meet.13
I lay down on my bed, closed my eyes and prayed to God I would wake up and this would all just be a terrible nightmare. As much as I hoped this would happen, I knew it wouldn’t.
Author notes
Please be harsh!
if u see any grammer/speelin errors can you please tell me
In a list
A contest entry
- Heads Will Roll (Round one--open) by Atticus Unanimous.
100 points, ended March 28, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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wow! i love it... i want to read more! and more! the main character is kinda some thing.....i wander what happened next lolx.. thank...
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Another great chapter! Keep going-- this is getting interesting!
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Another great one. I'll keep reading if you keep writing.
--Aden
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So far, so good!
The flow of the story is very consistent, very precise. 
Good job! ^_^
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Aside from some grammar and technical issues, this is coming along nicely. I think I've read the first one before so I vaguely remember the character. I think you should definitely do some revising. Some things about your character seem cliché like the whole boarding school thing, but, since this is based off teenage angst and rebellion and anger, it works. Just be sure, in future developments, you add that special herb of creativity.
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it just keeps getting better and better!
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paragraph 4: a little confusing last sentence there. Just tweak it a bit. You could try :
" You need to have the strength to actually do what you want, to carry out your intentions. I don't have the willpower to do that."
of course, im just inventing here, but re- wording could help it flow better.
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P5: when you added "though only halfheartedly" at the end, it slowed down the writing just a bit. perhaps rephrase the sentence into something like: I wiped my eyes and replied halfheartedly, "Come in."
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Love the ending. Powerful story and vivd images. I really liked the bit about her lashing out that sentence about her father. I think, to add a little more emotion into that part, you might throw in a few descriptive phrases such as "...I yelled back at her, tears coming to my eyes."
Just a few little grammar mistakes, but otherwise I really like this story so far. Great job! : -
I like how we get to know the character a bit better in this part. In the first part I had no idea that she actually hated herself, it really helps you empathise with her more and get into her head.
One thing: because its in first person I found it kind of confusing when you wrote 'she said, hoping I would not start an argument' because she wouldnt know what she was thinking.
But brilliant altogether...onto the next part
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I like the way you get inside the situation
more of this...
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Hey.. this story is quite interesting I like the way it is flowing I think I will continue reading this series. good write
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Alright, now I have to keep reading, so good job on that front.
Grammatical critique: In the first couple of paragraphs there is some confusion between present and past tense. This is one of the most challenging things, from a technical standpoint, of a first-person narrative, so watch out for that in the future. It isn't hard to correct, though, so don't worry. For example, in paragraph 2, mother WOULD be different instead of WILL be different.
Also in paragraph 3, it should be YOUR own father...
You seem to be doing a great job building a character, here, and the story is already taking a different turn than I thought it would. Keep up the good work. -
Love it! Wonderful...I'm now going to go read on to find what happens at boarding school.
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In your authors notes, you spelled spelling wrong 'Speelin'
correct way, spelling. I know it's minor but, it was bothering me. -
Very good
#2 I knew---mother would
or I know--mother will
#3 [after] what seemed like hours
when [your] own father
I will read each chapter. Your writing ability is beyond your years. I can't believe all the talented young writers on this board. Your story is interesting enough to keep the reader hooked. The only thing I see that would improve your writing, is to describe the characters a little more. Make us see them and know them.
Keep up the good work.
Trish
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Interesting developments here. It is getting quite good. It was particularly wise on your behalf to emit the yelling from the beginning.
=[ sort of sad at the start... troubled teen... although we do get a lot of that on this site.
And now, the editing begins.
paragraph 3:
"Eventually what seemed " maybe this should be "Eventually, after what seemed."
"you own " should be "your own"
paragraph 4:
You're starting to get a bit emo...
Pragraph 6:
"absoultely" typoooo
No more errors I could spot! Well done ^^
Please continue with this.
Thank you -
Hmmm. Again, I say edit. The troubled home, though. I recall from chapter one that the abusive father was taken away. Why is the mother now trying to wash her hands of the teenager instead of helping her through this pain? I have gone through hell and back and I've said things and done things in my life that I will regret until the day I die and then on into whatever afterlife I am granted, but my Momma had gone through the same pain as I had and she understood my actions; maybe present some background for this girl's mother, a reason that she can't cope.
I'll keep reading. Maybe you explain it later on.
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troubled home...
...troubled teens and rather curious, several of those I have read lately are from down under. What's goin' on down there anyway?
Since you did not say and I will not probe, this could be a story based on your own experiences, or of close friends or all imagination, one can only guess.
In any case, writing can act as a catharsis, getting all those thoughts out of your head and into the computer, in other words, it be good for you regardless.
Amicus,... -
again great
of course if i loved the first one i would have to love this one aswell it was great loved it
from ur friend again u know who it is. lol
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I didn't catch any errors, this was really good! Alot of people could relate to this; i know i do. Great write!
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Seems as though InkHeart has seen every error I saw, so now I get to just comment on the content! Good addition to the story. Ugh boarding school would suck! However, there might be some interesting things in store for the charachter, I suppose I will have to continue reading to find out, eh? Keep it up! -Liz
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In the third paragraph you said: "I stood up and forwarded into my room." Hmm, the word "forwarded" is kind of strange, maybe you should change it to: "I stood up and walked into my room." Also, in this paragraph you want to convey an extremely powerful and emotional message about a girl who no longer wants to live. This is how I suggest you write it:
"I wish I wasn't even alive anymore. What’s the point of living when you own father hates you; your mother most likely doesn’t like you; and you have no friends. Exactly, there IS no point."
Paragraph 6: "My mum walked into the room, her eyes were as red as mine. “I’m sorry about before, dear, but you have absoultely no idea how hard it is to raise a child like you. Daily phone calls from school because of your behaviour...it’s downright impossible.”
“I think, and your grandmother thinks so that our life and your life would be a whole lot easier if you were attending boarding school.”7
You don't need the 'so' in there at all; it just makes it awkward to read. Re-write the whole thing so it sounds like this:
"Your grandmother and I think that our lives would be much easier if you were attending boarding school."
“WHAT!” I said so loudly and so strongly. “Boarding school. Like leaving here and living in a school with completely new people. Are you out of your mind?”8
This is a good paragraph, but watch the 'so' again. Make it like: '"What!" I exclaimed, enraged.' Doesn't that sound better?
Paragraph 10: 'I replied angrily.' That repeated use of 'so' has got to go
"She made no attempt to calm me down what so ever." 'whatsoever' is one word. There is also a sentence fragment here, I recommend you write the paragraph like this:
She made no attempt to calm me down whatsoever, but just left the room, quickly and quietly. I dove into my pillows. How could she do this to me? Boarding school is the one thing I have always hated the idea of. Who wants to spend their whole teenage life in a school? And the students probably are the nerdiest people you could ever meet.
I lay down on my bed, closed my eyes and prayed to God I would wake up and this would all just be a terrible nightmare. As much as I hoped this would happen, I knew it wouldn’t.
I apologize for dissecting everything in this story, but you wanted harsh criticism so I decided what the heck, mind as well scope out the grammar Good luck in future writes, this was an excellent read! It just needs a bit of cleaning up grammar-wise.
Ink
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The idea of the story is still good and moving along nicely.
One thing you have to watch in first person is over using I's. Great read.
she said, hoping I would not start an argument.(since this is in first person, i.e inside Samanthas head, which means she cannot know what her mother is thinking
Sarah.
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I agree this is great!
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WOW
this ir really good keep going.
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This story is beginning to roll and holds my concentration. You would know that, when reading, one gains a sense of the author within the work and, if you are not like the character in the book, then the write is even better.
You must remember to go back over your writing, checking the grammar. But, all-in-all, a great read!
Ron.
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I really liked this chapter. It really builds on the previous chapter and shows Samantha's character even more. I can sympathize with her much more in this chapter. I really like her character actually. She's got spunk and I understand where she's coming from. It's hard to find reason to live when you feel like everything in your life is screwed up. I hope she finds that reason though.
I can't wait to read the next chapter to find out where you're going with this story. -
My first impression of the story was WOW. It was so captivating. Everything was absolutely perfect in the beginning of the story. I liked reading this story because it was long, but not too long. Perfect!
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Naucks review
Well there little lady you are good, I can see you do something most young woman women your aged an heck even my age do not do much anyone that is use your head other then some thing as I hat rack and hair spray, keep up the work I will check in on your work when I can.
I spoke with my best friend angellove she tells me she to have read some of your work she is why I have read your work. if it is good enough for her it is good enough for me Most of the time.
God Bless an Get it Going
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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great piece of writing
The whole piece is alive, and the situations beleivable.
Comes across to me like the girl is perhaps the product of a broken home, hence the behavioral problems.
can hardly wait for the next chapter...Well done.
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Perfect
You made me hang on every word. It felt like I was actually beside Samantha, watching her take every single word. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Brilliant (:
This is really good ! Like it actually happen to you!
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OMG, so much feeling in this story! Are you only 14?! You're so good! This story had me gripping to the end, I can't wait to read your next chapter! It has so much description here that you can see right through her head. Keep writing! =D
Sorry if this is not a good comment for you, but I'm an amateur writer and I'm 13, so I tend to like things a lot easily. =)
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Sam just seems to be getting herself into a large pickle doesn't she. Hopefully, boarding school won't be as bad as she thinks. You're moving right along! ^___^
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