“That is it!” my English teacher, Ms. Crayne, screamed at me. “I have had enough of you and your behaviour. I can’t even teach my class for five minutes without you distracting someone, or you calling out. I have rung your parents and given you detentions, but it seems to have absolutely no effect on you whatsoever!”1
“Jeez Miss, has anyone ever told you that you look like a witch when you’re angry,” I replied smirking, completely aware of the consequences of my smart comment.2
She looked as if she were about to explode. She went all rigid, her hair stood up in the back, her hands started trembling, and she opened her mouth and bellowed at me, the loudest any teacher has ever yelled, “GET OUT! Get out of my class now, don’t ever come back Samantha Horan, do you hear me? Out!”3
“Ok,” I said simply, showing no sign of fear. I stood up, chucked my work in the bin and walked out. I was getting a bit hungry so I walked across the road to the shops to buy a slice of pizza. I always did this whenever a teacher sent me out of the class for a while, or when I could not be bothered attending class.4
As I walked back over to school, someone came marching towards me. “My office, now,” said Mrs. Odonna, the school's deputy 'principal'. I decided to obey; if I didn’t it would only make things worse. I dragged my legs through the familiar staff room, and entered her office. I had been in her office so many times; it felt like home to me.5
She sat down in front of me, glaring her small dark eyes into my big blue ones. She did this for at least three minutes before she opened her mouth to speak. However the tone she spoke in totally shocked me. I thought it would be angry at the very least, however it was soft and gentle, something you didn’t hear often come out of her mouth.6
“Samantha, I don’t know what happened to you. I remember when you were a little kid, you never got into trouble. You were a straight A student, who handed in some of the loveliest and most beautiful things that I have ever read. I know you have been through some tough situations in the past year, but that shouldn’t change who you are.”7
I suddenly became furiously angry. Mrs. Odonna had no right at all to talk about my private life to me. I hated her for knowing my darkest secret. Last year, my dad lost his job at work, and things got a bit out of hand at home. He used to drink heaps of alcohol to hide his grief. It wasn’t too bad at the start, but as the weeks and months gradually went by, it was a whole lot worse. It got to the point I was too terrified to even show my face in my house. I spent every night crying myself to sleep, but even then, I had to shove something in my mouth to mute my cries. It was horrible. Finally the day came, when mom had enough of it, she called the police, and they took him away for abuse.8
I suddenly snapped back to reality. I had only just realized I was day dreaming, and that Mrs. Odonna had been talking to me for the last five minutes. She seemed to know I was not listening. “Are you even listening to me Samantha?”9
“Not really, your voice bores me,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders. 10
She didn’t reply to this, but immediately stood and up and shut the door. Sitting down again she looked at me and said, “I hoped it would never come to this point, but it seems I have no choice. You don’t listen to your teachers, your mother and especially me. I don’t think I have ever had so many complaints about a student before. I’m sorry to tell you, but I can’t have you disrupt my school again. I’m expelling you.”11
My mind froze. Expulsion had never actually crossed my mind. I thought she would suspend me at the very least. I was actually surprised that this piece of news didn’t worry me at all. I hated this school; I would be happy leaving. 12
“Go pack your things up, while I ring your mother, and then come straight back here. None of your usual wanders over to shops,” Mrs. Odonna ordered.13
I jumped to my feet. My heart was actually racing now. I was leaving this hell hole once and for all. I skipped up the stairs to my classroom, didn’t bother knocking, and entered “Didn’t I tell you I did not want you back in this class ever again!” screamed Mrs. Crayne.14
“Jeez, calm down, I’m just grabbing my stuff then leaving. You got your wish; I got expelled. Now I don’t have to ever see you and your ridiculous hair cut ever again.” As I said that I stamped out the door. I heard the class crack up laughing, and then eventually fade away as I reached the bottom of the stairs. 15
I walked to the office and waited. I was told my mother was on the way. I leaned up against the wall thinking of her reaction. Would she be angry? Disappointed? Sad? Whatever it was, I was not really looking forward to it. No matter how much I got in trouble at school, I never really cared. But at home was a totally different situation. I hated getting in trouble, mainly because I didn’t want mom to get all angry and depressed. I loved her too much to do that to her. 16
I finally saw her park her car and get out. She walked over to me, and just shook her head. Her face was full of disappointment. I felt so bad. She didn’t say anything except beckon me to the car. I didn’t want to get in, but I did. 17
Author notes
Please be harsh!
if u see any grammer/spelling errors can you please tell me
read the next chapters and comment!!!
In a list
A contest entry
- STORIES, POEMS, ANYTHING! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
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Bronze trophy winner
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Comments
1 - 72 of 72
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lol, I found this freakishly amusing!
Good work!!!
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really liked it please continue i would love to insult one of my teachers like that
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I loved it I hope you will continue!!!!!!!
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Im not going to write a comment because i have already in the past. If u want u can browse through your comments and check! U already know i much i love this story anyway i have read all the chapters and cant wait till u finish chapter 7 or whatever chapter that comes next good job and good luck in this contest!!
HSM -
There were a few grammar errors, but they were tiny and generally involved comma usage (or lack thereof). Very good, though! You could add a little more description in, though: more visuals would be good.
Thank you for entering! -
wow.. is this a real story? i mean it happened to you for real? no i mean a non-fiction? now wat? i have no idea what i am talking about. lolx.. gud story.. i want to read chapter 2..lolx..
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Well done *thumbup*
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It hooked me in.
You can use a little more description though. Most kids don't have that attitude to actually say to their teacher 'Now I don't ever have to see your horrible haircut again' I like the characters, and the building plot.
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This was very good. But now it's correction time. Line One: insert 'and' between 'parents' and 'given' and remove the comma. Line Two: capitalize 'miss.' The character is addressing someone, therefore 'miss' is a proper noun. Line Three, use 'were' instead of 'was' and in Line Five, 'Said' should not be capitalized. Thank you for entering and I got your comment, you are all set with the Author's Notes
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Now this I liked, but I thought you could use some more suspense. I think the story is very well-written. I liked the characterization, dialogue etc. I need more exposition on the plot, give some guesses at what may or may not happen.
Otherwise, great job!
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An interesting introductory chapter - with a good balance of action, dialogue and exposition. The main character's reactions and dialogue seemed realistic and her interactions with the teachers were done well.
Some grammar/punctuation/spelling edits:
para [1]'what so ever' should be 'whatsoever' - this is now an accepted compound word - so unless you mean to give each of its components extra emphasis, you'll need to edit it.
para [2]'I replied[,] smirking, ' - smirking is the additional information in this sentence, ergo, it needs a comma before and after its use.
para [3] “GET OUT! Get out of my class now. Don’t ever come back Samantha Horan, do you hear me? Out!” - More of a style suggestion - the teacher is angry and more likely to speak in short sentences - by making the first comma a full stop, you can make it somewhat clearer to the reader.
para [5] “My office, now,” Said Mrs. Odonna, the schools deputy principle. Three things wrong in this sentence: 'said' not 'Said', 'school's' not 'schools' and 'principal' not 'principle'.
para [6]remove 'just' from before 'glaring' - it's not needed.
'However[,] the tone she spoke in totally shocked me. I thought it would be angry at the very least, however[,] it was soft and gentle, something you didn’t hear often come out of her mouth.' - As a general rule, a comma should be used after any instance of 'however'.
para [8]'I suddenly became furiously angry.' A bit too wordy - espcially if you want the reader to see how angry this character is. Try 'I was furious' - as you want it as a direction reaction of the previous statement, rather than just a development of an agry feeling.
para [9]Redundancy: 'She seemed to know I was not listening. “Are you even listening to me Samantha?”' - generally, when you introduce information into the story, you use either narrative or dialogue - and here you have used both. I would suggest:
'She noticed. “Are you even listening to me Samantha?”' The first statement shows the reader that the woman noticed the character's inattention, and her dialogue shows her response - but only reveals the information once.
para [13] 'wanders' not 'wonders' - homonym confusion
para [17] 'saw here park her car' 'her' not 'here'
Thank you for your entry in ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 or younger and best of luck with your further writing endeavours. -
I had no idea this story would be this wonderful! One comment though, on the last paragraph, on this sentence: I finally saw here park her car and get out. I think you meant Her not Here.
3: )
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Hi!
This is a really interesting story. I'm going to read more.
--Aden
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That was pretty good, i agree with moon child though, if she loved her mother that much then wouldn't she try to stay good in the first place?
CHECK:
"I finally saw here park her car and get out"
I really liked it how you went from her not caring to her furious about her personal life, it said a lot about her character.
I will definetly read more when i have time, i'm swamped right now, but this stuff will definitley be worth reading.
If you want critique, i suggest not to be too blunt with her talking back, it suits her character but is not quite realistic, if she didn't care about anything at all, maybe. But since she cares sometimes, when she's at home, someone with that sort of personality might care somewhat at school? DO you understand? probably not, don't worry about it.
Good writing, Laterz - Melissa.
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really awesome!
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this is reallllly good. i like it!
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It's a really good first chapter, but there's one thing I don't really understand. If Samantha loves her mother, why doesn't she listen to her? But the rest is really very good and I enjoyed it so much! 3 rounds of applause!
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para 13 "wonders" in "wanders". other than that, this is interesting, i would love to see where this will lead to!
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very interesting start.
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This is great! I can vividly picture everything in my mind. ^_^ However, there are some spelling errors here. It's spelled "principal", not "principle", when you're referring to the person heading a school. Overall, though, I find this piece really insightful! Good job! ^_^
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This was really good, and it really sounded realistic. You've added in humour as well, and it's really well written!!
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Amazing
I really love this story, it was realistic and well written a few people have said about the punctuation and all but that's ok we all make mistakes right? But it was definately a great story -
so good! and it was very realistic, too!
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This is amazing and a great start for an idea!!
Thank you so much for entering!!
Souls!!
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Wow your a great writer.
Your story is kinda the life of my friend she's really nice but loves to get in trouble. Anyways I loved your story, keep it up!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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aaahhhmaaaaaazzzzzziinnnng!!
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good start to what could end up being a nice story later down the road. You do have a lot of editing to work on- punctuation errors, some typos/spelling mistakes, dialogue. But, it doesn't mean its bad- because its not. Its a good idea/start to a piece that with some editing, could be really good and intriguing.
Write on
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I think this is a good start. I thought the story flowed well and was fairly well written other than some I guess grammatical errors. You might want to edit the preview. It still has the wording wrong. If you just go into edit and erase the preview it will replace it with an updated one when you re-submit. Here are the things I spotted that I thought should be changed.
2 look like witch = look like a witch
3 I looked as if she = She looked as if
4 I walked over the road = I walked across the road
5 staffroom = staff room
7 never got in trouble = never got into trouble
8 came to the point = got to the point
9 and the Mrs Odonna = and that Mrs Odonna
11 you mother and = your mother and
12 crossed my mind to occur = crossed my mind.
14 I was leaving this hell whole = I was leaving this hell hole
16 I lent up against = I leaned up against
16 I got in trouble = I got into trouble
16 I hated getting in trouble = I hated getting into trouble
16 I loved her to much = I loved her too much
17 want to go in = want to get in
I'm a slow reader and I'm behind on replying to comments and returning the favor as you know, so I can't read more of the story. If I could; I would. I'm curious where it is going. That is a good thing for sure. Keep writing and don't forget that when you ask someone to point things out you should take the time to fix them when they do. I only say this because I took a lot of time to leave this comment and then I read the other comments only to find many of the errors I found had been pointed out already. This is a good story. It deserves to be as great as you can make it.
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awesum! i luv it! i so badly wish i culd talk 2 my teachers like this when they make me mad. lol this is really good! i am so gonna read the rest!
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i talk to my teachers like that when they make me angry..i shouldnt tho, but i cant help it. but this story is not based on anything real. thanks for the comment and aplaussies
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you din't have to be bad to ur mom...i think being in skool is a blessing...which u must accept open heartedly...
there are many poor kids who can't go to skool...
ur a blessed child of God...dont waste what hes given u.
no mistakes i gotta point out...its good... -
Solid:)
Pretty interesting and moves along at a nice pace. Samantha seems pretty familiar, easy to relate too.
Some little things....Line 3, "I looked as if she was about to explode." You were probably going for 'she'. Also, in paragraph eleven, "you mother" should be "your".
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Jeez, hun. I can't be harsh because this was absobloodylutely fabulous! I feel Samanthas grief for her mother. Is there more to this? I really want to read. I couldn't find any spelling errors. I could also feel her shock at the word expelled.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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thanks for the comment and applause. there is 4 more chapters after this posted at the moment, and hopefully i will be posting the 6th soon. thanks again for commenting!
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take out comma "told you that you lookd..." p2
"It looked" p2
"hair stood up in the back" p3
"usual wanders" p13
this was well written, it seems pretty realistic. However, if the reaon that Samntha was acting the way she was out of hurt, then we should be as little more in her head and be able to realize it. Until the office scene, I thought she was just prettymuch a jerk. (no ofense) but after we learn about her home life she sems mch more human. Maybe you want it that way. Its just a suggestion. But it was an enjoyable read ! Thanks! -
Nice. You definitely need to proofread and add stronger language. But it's a good start.
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I like it a lot! I'll be reading the next chapters, definately. It's simple, yet it has a great hook, and it draws in the reader well. Maybe, you could try using stronger language. What I like to do is just open my thesaurus and find a bunch of synonyms for a word I've used. Then, I can add little bit of stronger vocabulary in my story, which gives it a nice little bit of flavor, and avoids repetition. Theres a few little grammar and spelling errors i here, but everyone makes mistakes, its no biggie. Just proofread it and it'll be fantastic!
PS: paragraph 16: leaned, not leant.
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I really liked this, i'm a fan of this genre and am now going to go on and read the next chapters that are posted. This one really made me want to read more, its weird, i've been writing something a bit similar and pictured the same school I used for my setting.
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Very well done...
couple problems early on...needs a edit....to fix....(an I when it should be She...etc.)
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Great.. I can actually picture whats going on. Great description.. good write
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Very interesting beginning. I look forward to reading the next few chapters ou have posted.
I know this is just the first chapter, so this comment may not mean anything as I read more. What "trouble-makers" and I really do hate that term, do in the classroom is rarely the most interesting thing about them. What is interesting is why they do that, whether they are bored or if something has happened to make them apathetic or even cruel. You had the barest hint of the motivations and history, and I would really like to see more of that.
As I said, though, you're just getting started with this one, so don't pay too much attention to this if you don't think it makes sense.
Great job so far. -
*omg*
dude did u really get expelled??
and ur story totally rocks!!
it!! ^_^
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I like it.
The main character samatha reminds me of me with her nonchalant and sarcastic attitude. Now it has gripped my attention even more! Can't wait to get to the next chapter! -
hm...
interesting... I LOVED IT! u r a finalist! -
I'm sorry, I just switched computers and manage to send twice before I had written anything. I pointed out the few errors I found, but want to tell you, you are a very talented writer and story teller. I do hope this is fiction, but if it isn't, it's not unusual.
Please keep writing.
I will definetly read the rest of the chapters.
Trish
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wonderful writing and story tellilng.
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#2 look like [a] witch
#3 [It] looked as if
#11 teachers, [your] mother
#12 leave out [to occur]
#13 over to [the] shops
#15 [stomped] out the door
#16 [leaned] up against the wall
I loved her [too] muc -
I just realised how weird my comment sounded xD
Just to clarify, I didn't meant that your story sucks, I meant that what happened to the character sucked ^^"
Sorry about that!!
Eph -
Wow. That really sucks.
I have very little sympathy for anyone who's rude in class; I'm friends with too many teachers, lol
But this managed to make me feel a little empathy for this kid. Nice work!
Eph -
I agree with Amicus: Edit, edit, edit . . .and then edit some more. That's the best way to learn to find your own mistakes. There is a writing process that you will learn. It starts with a prewrite, then leaves room for edits and revisions.
That being said, I love this piece. For me in particular it is heartwrenching. I had an abusive father for fifteen years before my momma got smart and moved us away. I started being homeschooled when we moved to Alaska and for two years I slacked off on my school work. I went from being a straight-A student to not doing my work at all. Finally, though, I did graduate 2 years late (at age 20) and I did so with a 3.7 GPA. I am now a college student with a 4.0GPA and I'm back on track. Why bring this up? Because it adds credibility to your character. The abuse she suffers is absolutely enough to bring on this change.
I intend to read further chapters, but let me state: keep up the great work.
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Good effort...
Edit, edit, edit, and you will still find errors, it happens to all who write; find another writer to edit for you before you post...in addition to writing which is the only way to learn, read, read, read...believe it or not, reading published fiction, the proper grammar, point of view, pov, voice and how to create tension and mystery and create the desire in the reader to know more and read more, will just kind of rub off on you, osmosis like and you will find your writing suddenly reflecting what you read.
Must be wonderful to be young and full of story ideas that you just can't wait to get out.
regards...
Amicus...
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Interesting but I agree with one of the posts here that the character of the girl is not developed enough. It seems like you want us to know that she is deep-down a good person but is acting out to hide her hurt and anger at what has happened. You should develop this further and let us see what she is like as a person. Make us like her and sympathize with her as she acts out in an attempt to keep people from seeing her crying and you just might have something here
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Hi!
I think that this is a very good storyline. I haven't come across one like it. I also feel that you wrote this well. I hope you will continue with it.
p3 (It) looked as if
p12 crossed my mind(.) I thought
p13 (wandering) over to shops
Andy
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thanks, greatly appreciated
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i loved it!!! it was so cool. exactly what i see at school
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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loved it can't wait for the next chapter
i would have to say Caitlin that it waz really good i loved it and that is all i have to say i dont need to be harsh for this story.
from ur friend chelsea
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Dasfantom said it all. Anyway this was really funny and it flowed nicely. Great job!
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Hmm. This was a really interesting beginning to what looks to be a great story,. you spelt Geez/Jeez both ways in the story. You also said this hell whole, when it should just be hole.
Great job!
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Harsh, hum well I wasn't keeping a record of errors as I read so I have to try and remember here. You said Ms the first time then Mrs the second for the principal, you switched your to and too's a couple times, in a few spots the warding is a bit awkward. That's all I can remember off the top of my head. The story itself has great potental though, the opening ends in a way that would allow it to go in any direction you wish to take it. I can't decide whether to feel empathetic or annoyed by your main character, she seems to like annoying others to get attention but whether she does this purposely or subconciously would be the determening point. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Right, harsh might be a strong word. I will start by saying I liked this very much. I just wonder if it would read better in third person, this is just my opinion by the way. There is so much you can do with this story. I think a little more info about her, details about what she looks like, as in first person very rarely told.
Great job even so, enjoyed the first chapter.
Sarah.
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Good
This is a good story but I find that it could have been better if you had put more thought into the main characters emotions and why she cares so little about going to school. Also, you should proof-read for spelling and grammer errors because it kind of throws the reader off when they see this.
All in all, good story that could have been great with little changes and improvements. -
im sposed to be harsh?
Im sorry but im going to be the random and say i like it.
i know im sposed to be harsh but is goooood, little more would have benn gr8.
another reason i wont be harsh is coz idk how to...not my thing but i wanted to tell u wat i though so hehe, sorry if u not like me doing this.
btw im the little random that runs around and makes u feel better bout your stories *grins*
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Not a bad opening, but watch your techniques - this skipped from first person to third person, and then back again in the final few paragraphs - all I reccomend a little editing.
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Very good, again, but still some errors. In one part, I noticed it changed briefly to third person.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I only found a few issues with this piece, mainly in the grammar department. There should always be a period after a formal title, such as Mr. Ms. Mrs. and so on. In the first paragraph. In the first setence, the phrasing "screamed my english teacher, Ms. Crayne at me," is a little awkward. I would change it to "my english teacher, Ms. Crayne, screamed at me" but that is strictly just my opinion. Also in the last paragraph "would she bad angry?" should read "would she be angry?" Other than that, this is a great start! Keep up the good work! -Liz
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This is a very interesting piece. I actually kind of like the main character Samantha, even though I know some of the other commentors didn't. I could tell that she is just a scared child under everything else because of your description about what she's been through and because of how surprised she is when she is talked to in a soft kind voice by the principal.
I do agree with xineph that you need a more likable protagonist. I think one way you could make Samantha more likeable is simply by going into more detail about the abuse she and her mother endured. You might want her to have a flashback about it or something. The more we see how much she's been through the more we'll understand the way she is now.
Overall this was a really good first chapter and I really want to read more. You are a very talented writer. -
I like it!
characters: 3.
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Well, if you want me to be harsh...
While you have a strong and interesting narrative voice, the key problem with this right now is that there is no character the audience can root for, because pretty much no one is likable. I assume we're supposed to feel some sympathy for the protagonist because of her difficult past, but right now she just comes off as somewhat obnoxious. I mean, I get that she despises authority and everything, but she basically devotes herself to creating hell for people who seem as though they are only trying to do their jobs, and not even THEY are likable. This chapter does end on a depthful note, suggesting that you'll introduce another side of your protagonist and perhaps explain her actions a little better. Either way, this is still a good start, I just found those issues distracting. Keep at it!
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I like it. It doesn't seem too rough around the edges like most first chapters do. If you're going to continue this (just a suggestion) you could try maybe going to the mother's thoughts on everything, what happens when Sam gets home, or what her father is doing now. Just my thoughts in case you're in a bit of a block. Anyway, wonderful first chapter!
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Nauck's review of Class Rebel : Chapter 1
Pharyngealization;
Is a word you may want to take the time to read about When you get the time. When you write speak out loud what you write it will help you greatly. My best friend when we have the time we read aloud to one another her work my work the bible and or another work. if you can record you work spoken play it back to self you will and inprovement.
Keep up the Work
Nauck
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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thanks for the tip
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I can see your mind is full of writing, naturally creative, while the read is easy in that I can imagine the scene. The display of anger is there and the girl's need for attention.
This is all good news for you, though I still suggest that you use a dictionary, with words like 'Wonders', instead of 'Wanders' and the sentence...'I loved her to much to do that to her. The word 'To', should have been 'Too'.
I have the feeling that your mind races ahead of your writing, so that you simply write and then do not go over the work...You are not on your own, I do this and should know better...
I shall await your next write...
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