I was just a kid *True Story*

**Note** Please be aware, That this is a True but Graphic story. Not suitable for children.***1

Was it my fault?2

Did I ask for this?3

I was just a kid.4

I was 15. I was a stupid kid. I loved getting on the computer, going to the chat rooms, and finding guys. I had low self-esteem, I wanted to be told I was pretty. Every guy I talked to said I was hot, when the received my picture. Made me feel good inside. One day, I was talking to this guy, who was in the navy. I don't remember his screen name, but I agreed to meet him. We were going to go out to his place, to party and drink. He picked me up down the street from his house. He had a red truck, a Ford F-150. He was cute, Not the cutest, but cute nevertheless. I climbed in, trying to be cute. I got lost as he was driving, which was weird. I always had good directions sense, But I still got lost. We finally pulled into some apartments. He showed me the door, He opened it for me, like a gentlemen. I was thrilled. Walking into the apartment, I remember the living room...Something out of the 70's hit me, the neon colors, tie-dyed pictures and wall hangings. Several people were in there drinking and smoking pot. No body was even close to my age. So we sat down. 5

We began drinking, First they mixed me a drink, It was more alcohol then not. Then we had several shots of Jagermeister, Jack Daniel's, and Jose Cuervo. It's funny how you remember all the things that really didn't matter...They wanted me to smoke pot, and I told them I would stick to my cigarettes. It wasn't that I hadn't smoked pot before, I just hate being high. It made me sick to my stomach. The last drink was supposed to be a rum and coke, but I felt awful. I had this fear in the pit of my stomach after I drank it, (I'm not even sure if I drank the whole thing) I remember telling him to take me home, I needed to go to bed. He showed me the way to his room, half carrying me in there. He layed me on his bed then walked out of the room.6

I don't know how long he was gone. But I vaguely remember the door opening, and a guy walking in. My whole world was going crazy, my vision was slanting with the light under the door, my mind was playing tricks on me. I tried again to yell at him to take me home, but I don't think the words ever left my lips.7

I remember him yanking my jeans off of me, ripping my panties. I remember finally being able to say no, stop. and him saying "You know you want it, now shut the fuck up and take it" I continued trying to say stop, but again, the words froze on my lips. My mouth stopped working, He was grabbing at my breasts, I barely felt the pain as he twisted and pinched me. Then the door opened again.8

I remember thanking God at that point, thinking someone was going to stop this guy. I was wrong. The new guy began taking off his pants. I don't remember being turned over, so I was on my stomach. They kept yelling at me to get on my knees, but I couldn't. I couldn't use my arms or my legs, They weren't working, otherwise I would have used them to get me out of the mess I had put myself in. The guy who was raping me began raping me anally. I tried to scream, I couldn't. I opened my mouth, trying to take a deep breath, which was hard because I couldn't feel my jaw, The guy in front of me slapped me, hard. He got down in front of me, face to face. Telling me What he was going to do. "This, (He said holding up his penis) is going to go inside of your mouth. You are going to suck it. if you bite me, Then we will drop you off at your doorstep, dead." grabbing the back of my hair, he shoved himself into my mouth, I started gagging, he was using my hair to move my head back and forth. Every time the guy behind me would move, I moved as well. They kept calling me names, some of which were "little slut, whore, bitch, Little girl thought she could play with the big boys, and got burned." 9

I don't remember what happened next. I don't think I even want to. The next thing I remember, I was in the red truck again, I threw up all over his truck. He threw me out of it right then. Told me to walk the rest of the way home. I was only a few blocks. it was freezing, I had left my jacket at his house. All I had on was a T-shirt and my jeans. I remember sneaking back into my moms house, going straight to the bedroom. I cried. I cried I don't know how many tears. It all kept playing back in my head, how stupid I was, for letting that happen, for putting myself in that position. How could I have done something so stupid?! How could I let a bunch of guys take advantage of me like that? I couldn't remember what happened when I blacked out, I probably never will. I got up and took a shower, the hottest I could stand. After scrubbing my body for what seems like an eternity, until I was raw. I just stood there. 10

That is my story. I never went to the police, I never thought they would believe me. That and the fact that it was two Navy guys, I knew that they would never catch them, and at the time, I figured the police would say I deserved it, for being so stupid. I have never gotten over it, Even though it was almost 10 years ago. I still feel as if it was my fault, That if I hadn't gotten online, to talk to people, it would have never happened. There is also rage against my mother, who never tried to do anything to stop it. She knew I was meeting people, I guess she just didn't think it could happen to her. Everyone always thinks that it can't happen to you, Always thinking your on the other side of the fence. But it can happen. You can't be on your guard twenty-four hours a day, Seven days a week, but you can learn, Knowledge is power. 11

I am grown now, in many ways more than others. I am 24 years old, and I have 3 kids. My oldest being my only Daughter. I can only hope, that she will listen to my experiences, and learn from them, without having to go through them herself. I will be there to protect her, as much as I can. I know she will make mistakes, we all do. Some we regret more than others. I just hope to God, that she will never go through this.... Anything...Like this. 12