I know Fear. Intimately. We meet in the early hours of the morning. I sit alone in my bed, waiting, waiting. Almost willing him to come. I know he will, he always does. Then he’s here. I feel his cold breath ghost over me; I stare into that cool impassioned face. I reach out, reaching to grasp that skeletal hand and my heart begins to race. Fast. Hard. Strong. Beats becoming irregular, palpitations. Missing beats, adding beats. I try to breathe, trying to draw the air down into my lungs and, although I can, it seems to have no effect. My lungs begin to burn. I look up into his smirking face and know he has taken it. Greedily sucked oxygen out of the air around me. Teasing, taunting. I can't move, I don't want to move. Pinned in his icy grip Fear holds me paralysed. I slowly feel my body warm. I see Fear poised with a needle, tightening the strap, imprints of his fingertips decorating my arms. He’s injecting me. Adrenaline. Warmth pools in my stomach before spreading languorously to the very tips of fingers until they tingle with anticipation. Fight or flight. It’s too much, too much. I throw myself into fear's icy grip, seeking solace, seeking comfort. I sob and shake. I feel alive now. I’m not apathetic, I’m not bored or disinterested and surely this, surely this is living, when every nerve ending feels alive and every cell is set alight. Surely this is what life is? But the room slowly begins to fade into focus and I feel the softness of the bed below me and the feel of the duvet over my exposed legs. Fear releases me slowly, tenderly lowering me back down into reality and when his last finger is prised from my arm he has gone and I am left alone. Left alone with the realisation that I always was and with the desperation of knowing that I won't be able to sleep tonight.
A contest entry
- Pain! by Writing0Freedom.
490 points, ended February 4, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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pretty good. i liked the shortness of it all and the whole "metaphoricalness". personally these happen to be my favorite types of stories, the short, choppy, frantic writing style, especially in first person.
i like the way you ended it vastly.
there is very little critisim i can offer other than take away the few rhetorical questions. most authors by trying to break the "fourth wall" end up messing the feel of their story. the whole panic of it disintergrates when time for a question is posed.
but its very well written and i like it. hope you write more liek it quite soonly.
Ps. in fact it kinda reminds me of a story i wrote a long time ago sort of like that. if you want to search it its called "silver bullets"
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Wow, this entire thing was extremely engaging. You had me hooked from the first sentence. Just the whole way you wrote it matched what you were talking about perfectly; the word choice, the flow (or lack thereof), and the pace.
What really got me was the fact that you personified Panic/Fear so well. I was very impressed with that aspect of this piece...heck, I was impressed with all of it
. Great job, and keep writing! 
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Short but sweet - you've got a great story here. The choppy syntax and short sentences really emphasized the frantic feelings you were trying to convey, and keeping this all in one paragraph was definitely a good idea. Splitting it up would lessen the effect. No real critique to offer; I don't see anything that really needs improvement. I enjoyed it through and through, mainly just wanted to congratulate you on a job well done =)
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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FUCK
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This is a very realistic, very descriptive piece of work. I personally suffer panic attacks quite frequently and you have described the experience in such detail that it's almost painful to read; you have portrayed it perfectly. Great job with imagery as well. For such a short piece, this one certainly packs a punch.
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Seeing how short it was i was skeptical at first. But after reading it i thought the shortness of the story didn't ruin the story at all. I applaud you for being able to write so little and yet create an interesting well written story. Good job.
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a journey into the mind
Almost a spontanteous beat generation exploration. I'm impressed
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Wow! This is really powerful and well written! I don't know if this fits with my story exactly but I can feel the emotion and the pain in this story. The imagery and metaphors are amazing. Well done! Finalist- I don't know if it works with my character but the writing is just amazing!
Thanks for entering!
WritingFree -
Awesomely written. I love your description of having a panic attack and your smooth, almost flawless word flow. It would be cool if you added more to this Great job!
Ink
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Oooh
This is great. It really embodies a panic attack. It's fast paced and nicely irregular. The one thing I would do (and keep in mind this is just something I personally would have done to stylize it more) is, as you get into the midst of the attack, drop more and more punctuation. First lose the commas and then the periods. And then, when it's over, bring them back. I think that would really add to the atmosphere of the story even more.
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This is a great piece of writing and I know that you understand the real meaning of panic attacks. I would like to see this placed in the waiting-rooms of any psychologists offices, perhaps they might then get some idea of exactly what a panic attack is like... So well done.
Bravo!!!
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Definitely worth the time spent reading, fantastic job here, keep it up
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I agree with racing snake and the thought of this being expanded. I personally love how many short sentences there are in this piece. Breaks up the movement and the time, makes you feel the panic attack, makes you listen intently to the voice inside of your head telling you the story (or is that just me.)
A very good piece, the fact that you edited it was kudos to you as well. Very good.
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Sleep paralysis?
Interesting. Fine work and an eerily fine essay on sleep paralysis, something that has plagued me all my life - with, obviously, a few obvious differences aside. Correlation? I don't know. But it made me wonder...
Well done :-) -
I really like this piece, the idea of personifying an attack. I know how you feel, I had my first fairly recently, I was working in a high pressure job, was out drinking all night, then got up early as it was my partner’s birthday. On three hours sleep I made her breakfast in bed, took her into London, drank a huge coffee (caffeine my new arch nemesis) then went to a gallery where they were displaying some surrealist art work.
I freaked out, at first I thought I was seriously ill, it took me over an hour to get out of the gallery and then I had to face the underground tube station, surrounded by thousands of seemingly menacing faces, all wanting a piece of.
I made it home but the feelings lasted well into the following day. I went to the doctors and he did some tests and within minutes sent me of with a prescription for Valium…
Then I went travelling some months later and the anti-malerials I was taking – larium (known for their psychological side effects) made it so I had panic attacks every day during my six months out there and for a further 2 since I got back.
I very rarely experience them these days but remember them so well. The point of this ramble, is to empower you. When life throws horrible or extreme circumstances at us, we can learn from them, or in your case, use them creatively to do something we love – like writing.
I myself have written a 100,000 word novel based on a character afflicted with similar ailments. Those terrifying moments served as my motivation.
Sorry if I have waffled, just interesting to see someone dealing with something I can truly relate to in a similar way
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Nice one.
the story has a very nice pace to it and the feelof the whole thing is also first class.
there is also perhaps the oportunity for an expansion of the story or even adittional chapters.
All the very best.
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