Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Sixty Three

The voices were back1

The next morning
And around lunch time
I ended up having similar problems
To the day before
I tried so hard to hold on
I told my one to one right before
I got completely sucked in
But then I lost control again
And ended up getting restrained
And given an injection again2

The same thing happened my third day
I remained on one to ones and SOs
The staff weren’t mad at me
They said they would keep trying to work with me
To figure out how I could stay in control3

My parents were another story4

Mom sounded sad on the phone
She said I needed to keep trying5

Dad was mad on the phone
He didn’t understand about the voices
Or he didn’t want to understand
He’d rather believe that I had more control
He’d rather believe I could just cut it out
Because then things would be easier
The problem was I didn’t have total control
And I couldn’t just cut it out
And things weren’t easier
I tried to explain to dad that I was
Doing everything they told me
When I wasn’t hearing voices
And that I was trying my hardest
To stay in control and not hurt myself6

Dad didn’t get it at all
He didn’t want to hear about the voices
He didn’t’ want to hear about getting sucked in
He wanted me to tell him I was just going to be good7

He yelled into the phone that he didn’t want to hear
About me getting restrained or losing control again
I cried and then told him that I loved him
Because I did love him and that was why
His not understanding hurt me so deeply
I just told him I loved him and would try
And that I would see him when he came to visit
That was when dad told me he couldn’t visit
The drive was too far and mom was coming
And he needed to get a lot of work done anyway8

I cried again and told him I loved him again
Then I said bye and hung up and cried some more9

Willow who was my one to one
Explained that it’s hard for parents
When their child has a serious mental illness
I nodded through my tears and Willow
Pulled me into a hug
The kind of hug my parents
Hadn’t given me in years
The kind of hug that felt safe and comforting10

Dr. Whitman talked to me11

Later on my third day at Harding Hospital
He was a friendly looking man who wore a bow tie
He wore a different bow tie every day
But he always had one on without fail12

“You need to be on some type of antipsychotic medication to control the voices. I also think that you need a different anti depressant.” 13

He told me and then asked me
How I felt about changing meds
“I know I need different meds,”14

I admitted15

“But I’m scared of weird side effects.”16

I told him about the Zyprexa17

“Well I think I want to put you on a medication called Geodon for the voices. It doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect and it usually helps get rid of psychotic symptoms pretty well. Your parents have agreed to this medicine, how do you feel about it?”18

“I’ll take it”19

I decided immediately
Anything was better than
Living in a fractured reality
Getting strapped down to boards
Getting locked in the Quiet Room
And getting painful shots in the butt
And being unable to go anywhere
Without a staff member right there20

“I also want to change your Prozac to Lexapro. I think the Lexapro might be more effective in combating your depression. The last change I want to make is changing your sleeping medication to Trazadone, because the clonodine your taking now might be making your depression worse.”21

I agreed to it all
After all
Anything would be better
Then the way things were now22

I started the new meds the next day23

After a few more days of voices and restraints24

The voices started to get quieter
They became less intense and demanding
I was able to ignore them more easily25

Soon I was able to focus on reading again
I was able to play card games with my “one to one”
I was able to write in my journal and even
Talk with that girl named Krista26

But best of all was that I was able
To stay in control of myself enough
That I stopped hurting myself
And stop getting put in the Quiet Room
And stopped getting forced injections
And stopped getting restrained in that
Awful blue board they called the papoose board27

At group three and half days after I started the new meds28

I turned my head to the side
To look at something the nurse Karen
Was drawing on the board in the Dayroom
And then I noticed that when I tried
To turn my head back it kept returning
To the sideways position like there was a magnet
Pulling at my head and neck muscles29

After about ten minutes of magnetized head feeling
My head got stuck on the side and wouldn’t move back
My eyes started twitching and my tongue swelled up
I couldn’t get myself to swallow my own spit
I could barely speak enough to tell Karen what was happening30

Luckily she noticed something was really off with me31

“Are you all right?”32

She asked me33

I tried to answer her but could only grunt
Through my swollen tongue and stiff neck
Inside my chest my heart pounded with fear
There was something really wrong with me
That much was obvious and I was scared34

“Can you move your neck or is it stuck like that”35

Before I could respond she came over to my side36

“Open your mouth for me.”37

That much I could do
Karen took a look at my mouth38

“I’m going to page Dr. Whitman right now. Just go lay down on the couch to wait okay?”39

I nodded and walked to the couch
With my twitching eyes and twisted head
Over the intercom I heard the page40

“Dr. Whitman come to the child and adolescent unit immediately. Dr. Whitman to the child and adolescent unit immediately.”41

It was only about five minutes before Dr. Whitman arrived
But it felt like much longer than that to me
When he got to the unit he looked worried
His worried look scared me even more42

He looked in my mouth
Felt my twisted neck
And asked me if I could swallow
When I said no he reassured me
That everything would be okay43

“You’re having a reaction to the Geodon. I’m going to need to give you an injection of a medicine called Cogentin, and an injection of Benadryl to counteract your reaction. They should work within five minutes or so. You’ll be okay”44

Dr. Whitman rushed off to the nurse’s station
And returned with Karen and two syringes
The shots in my shoulder burned
But they also returned my neck muscles to normal
Stopped my eyes from twitching
And brought down the swelling in my tongue45

I don’t know if I can fully put into words
The relief I felt when I became in control
Of my body movements again46

The first words out of my mouth
When I was able to swallow
And speak again were47

“What happened?”48

Dr. Whitman explained that I’d had a bad reaction
To the Geodon and from now on would be taking
A different anti-pyschotic to help deal with the voices