Cigarrettes on a Rooftop

“You made up your mind yet?”1

The teen started and looked over his shoulder at the intruder.  “What the f***-how long have you been standing there?”2

The man pulled out a well-worn pack of cigarettes and lit one, the flame from the coral red-pink lighter illuminating his watery blue eyes.  “Long enough to want a cigarette.”3

The teen blinked and clenched his pale hands.  The intruder noticed they had small cuts on them, as if the boy had been handling birds. “You’re not gonna try and ‘talk me out of this’ are you?  ‘Cause I’ve had enough of that bunny.  Everyone always saying they care and that eventually everything will be fine, but that’s a bunch of bulls***!"4

The man shrugged and inhaled on the cigarette.  “Everyone’s had their share of misery in their lives.  Myself included.”5

“That’s ‘cause you’re a homeless bum.”  The teen accused.6

The man shrugged again.  “So I am.”7

“You have no one.”8

“So I don’t.”9

“No one gives a damn about you.”10

“Not at all.”11

“So why aren’t you beside me?”12

“That’s my business.  Why are you ready to jump off?”13

“Like you care,”14

“What if I do?”15

“You don’t!  How can you?  I’m just some stupid kid you bumped into on the roof while you went up for a smoke.”16

“I did go up for a smoke; that much is true.  And maybe I don’t know what you’re going through, but if you’ll bother to tell me, I will know whether I know what you’re going through.”17

The teen blinked, and then started to laugh.  “You’re nuts, you know that?”18

The man smiled.19

“Anyways, I’m not going to tell you.  That’s my business.” The teen laughed as he threw the bum’s words back at him.20

The man smirked and the wind ruffled his scraggly long hair and made the teen rub his arms in an effort to keep warm.  “Ah, but it is now my business because I’m the only witness to your suicide.  Want one?” the man took out the pack and held it out to the teen.21

“They’re cancer-sticks.”22

The man laughed at this and put away the pack.  23

“My Dad used to smoke,” The teen went on.24

“Mm?”25

“He died of mouth cancer last year.”26

The man made a sympathetic ‘hm’.27

“My mom barely got over it.  Even now, if you mention his name, even, she’ll start to cry.”  The teen looked down at the street.  “I hate it when she cries.”28

“She’s gonna cry when you kill yourself.”29

“So you are trying to talk me out of it,” The teen accused.30

“I was simply stating a fact,” the man replied, tossing down the butt of the cigarette and grinding it into the cement with his ratty sneaker.31

“What’s your deal, man?  Are you trying to talk me out of this or not?”32

“I think,” the man looked directly into the teen’s eyes.  “I think the reason you’re so twitchy with wondering if I’m trying to talk you out of this is because you’re trying to convince yourself not to jump.”33

This silenced the teen.  Then, slowly, he started to laugh.  He laughed so hard that tears started to course down his cheeks, and the man wondered whether the teen was really laughing or crying.  “Well, bunny.” The boy said as he regained his breath, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes.  “You’re right, Lunatic.  You’re right.  But I still have nothing left.”34

“You have your mom,” The man reminded the teen gently.35

“Not anymore.  She left.”36

“Oh?”37

“Left a note and everything.  She can’t stay in the house anymore.  It has too many memories.  She trusted me that I could take care of myself.  I guess she was wrong.” He made a choking noise, and the man realized that the teen was laughing again.38

“Some people aren’t very strong.” The man mused, and continued.  “She wasn’t wrong about you.  You haven’t jumped yet.  And she might come back.”39

“Right.  She’s neglected me all her life, and she’s gonna stop now?  No way, man.  She’s not coming back.”40

“You have anyone else?  Any friends?”41

“No, not really.”42

“Not really?”43

“There’s this one guy, John, who I say hi to every morning before school.  I say hi to everybody, but he’s the only one that says hi back.  He’s okay, I guess.”44

“What about those birds?”45

“Birds?  How did you-?”46

“Your hands have scratches on them.  What kind of birds do you have?”47

The teen laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.  “It’s one bird, and he’s not really mine.  It’s a falcon, but I like the Welsh name for it, corwalch.  It’s also called a merlin.  He’s a really energetic bird and hard to take care of.  I named him Merlin, ‘cause I’m a really big King Arthur fan, just like my dad was. I volunteer at the animal rescue center and even though I wear gloves, today I was stupid and didn’t wait until I was out of the cage when I took them off.  The janitor dropped a metal trashcan lid nearby and it made a loud noise, which startled poor Merlin.  It kind of attacked me, so I held out my arms to defend myself and got scratched up.”  48

“Does it like you?” the bum asked.49

“Yeah, I think so.  It’s hard to tell what he’s really thinking.”50

“He’ll probably miss you.”51

There was a pause and the wind blew some dead leaves over the side of the building to the street below.52

“Are you still going to jump?” the man asked.53

The boy was silent, contemplating his options.  “Nah.  I’ve changed my mind.” He walked away from the edge and towards the man.  On the horizon, the sun was setting, turning the air a dusky, brick-red and orange.  It accented the smog covering the city and somewhere below on the street there was a crash and the sound of crunching metal and shattered glass.54

“Ouch.  That sounded like a big car crash,” the teen remarked.55

“It did.”56

“What’s your name, anyways?” the teen asked.57

“Conner.”58

“I’m Nick.”59

“Glad you’ve decided to join the land of the living, Nick.”60

“Me too.” Nick laughed.  “Isn’t it weird how the stupidest things in life can make you want to stay alive?  I stayed alive for a stupid bird.”  There was a pause.  “Why do you live?  You have less than I do.”61

“I live to see the sun rise and set.” Conner smiled.62

“Really?” Nick’s voice was filled with disbelief.63

“No, but the truth is more complicated.  Maybe I’ll tell you someday.” Conner dug out another cigarette from his worn pack and was about to light it when Nick stopped him.  64

“Could you not?  Those things make me feel sick.”65

Conner smirked and put the pack away.66

“So, where can I find you to hear why you keep living from day to day?”67

“You can always find me up here at sunset on Sundays.  It’s a tradition of mine to have a smoke on the roof of this building.”68

“Why?”69

“Because one time, three years ago, I tried to do the same thing you did on this very building.  Almost in the exact spot too.”70

“Oh.  Why didn’t you?”71

“Someone convinced me not to.”72

“Who?” Nick pressed.73

“An old angel with dirty wings,” Conner replied, his voice sincere.74

Nick wasn’t quite sure whether Conner was lying or not, and didn’t want to ask.  Instead, he strayed up on the roof for the rest of the night with Conner, sleeping under the stars that were partially hidden by city lights.75