“Drive.”1
“Where to?” He asks, fingers fumbling with the seatbelt.2
“I don’t know, just drive. Anywhere.”3
She turns away sharply, carefully opening a pack of Marlboro lights.4
He watches her.5
“What?” She hisses, the frustration is evident, though misplaced, “I can bloody well smoke if I want too! Don’t you dare think of preaching to me. Just drive!” 6
Rolling her eyes she turns away once more, focusing intently. Shakily her fingers pull out a single cigarette, they twirl it around before grasping in her pocket for a lighter. She flicks it open and bends her head down, cigarette hanging out of slightly parted lips, lighting it. It glows as she inhales and he’s struck by the beauty of the moment; her sharp pale features illuminated by the soft spark. Then the lighter snaps shut and the moment is over.7
She sighs to herself and he can hear her soft mutterings, no doubt on how crappy her life is, how she always expected more, how no one understands her. He smiles to himself and starts the car.8
She gazes out of the window, bright lights flash by then begin to blur together. She’s taking occasional drags and the smoke coils and twists so prettily that he thinks it must be intentional. It isn’t. It’s untameable, like her. As he watches it dance, he thinks. About her. About him. About this and this moment. About everything.9
He’s still watching. He hasn’t realised; she has. Her brow furrows, cigarette momentarily forgotten as it dangles loosely between her fingertips.10
“What?” She asks, almost aggressively. He snaps back. He realises his gaze has been transfixed by the bow of her mouth, the red swell of her lips and how the smoke seems to curl out between them, so…prettily. 11
“Oh” he says, still dazed, “oh I” and he sees the corner of the mouth quirk upwards slightly and knows she is teasing him.12
“Nothing,” he smiles. 13
She rolls her eyes again, turning bodily to stare out the window, her lips wrapping around her cigarette almost reverently. He smiles to himself now, returning his attention to the wheel as she flicks away the remaining ash deftly and with surprising grace. The glow of the cigarette is gone, the curling smoke disintegrating and the moment is over.14
Author notes
grapevine
- Penned to the Letter group list • next in list
A contest entry
- ♥ by Just Breathe..
175 points, ended January 27, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - !music! by LivingDeadGirl56.
350 points, ended January 22, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anti-Twilight && Joker Group Contest by bird-mad girl.
650 points, ended February 1, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Odd Love by Darkhearted.
350 points, ended April 23, 65 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - the Shorts on the Clothesline must be dry! by Silver Dancer.
115 points, ended February 1, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Heads Will Roll (Round one--open) by Atticus Unanimous.
100 points, ended March 28, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Taylor's Series of [Un?]Fortunate Events by Taylor Renee.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Music by blackvamp.
175 points, ended August 15, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I liked it a lot. you deserve your accolades
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I liked the discriptions on the characters, what the girl is doing, what the guy is thinking, ect. The only thing is that this seems like it was cut out of another story. It picks up suddenly and ends suddenly also. Great job! Thanks for entering.
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Well penned scene. Kinda makes you wonder where this is leading and where it's been. Have you written more in either direction?
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A very well-written scene, dreamlike and oddly beautiful, in a transient way. Part of me would like to see more of these characters, but at the same time, I know that this works just as well standing alone, and that's a tribute to your writing. Great work with the dialogue and description - truly made me feel as if I were there in the car, watching. Interesting how she seems to be the main character, even though he is the actual narrator. Very nice work.
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Very nice write. For some reason (and I'm glad it didn't turn out this way) I expected a car crash in which the male figure heroicly gives his life to protect her. Cliché cliché. But it didn't end up that way. And I rather enjoyed this. Your descriptions and characters... All very nice.
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Very nice, I liked how you put this together. It says a lot without using a lot of words. Good job on this!
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i love the description in this story. is this just the beginning or the whole thing?
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I enjoyed reading this short story.
There is a great deal of description which gives a vivid imagery to the scene. I could picture the two characters in the car; she teasing him and he admiring her.
He is obviously besotted with the woman and I'm sure she loves the man even though she gives the impression she would rather argue.
A good write with good description and dialogue.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was a very fine write, my friend. It was like glancing at the rough sketches of a painting, trying to fill in all the bare spots and imagining how everything would turn out in the end. It's rare to read a piece of writing so captivating, but you've done it
Great job!
Ink
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First off, I loved the length of this and how it captured a moment. I felt like I was breaking into someone’s life, kind of like when you see a movie for the first time but you came in late and didn’t get to see the beginning and what you see is good so you decide not to finish it so you stop watching because you’d like to see it from the beginning. That’s what this piece felt like and loved that aspect, I thought it was so perfect and fitting. Even though the characters aren’t explained I feel an attachment toward them, they feel so real and raw and maybe that’s because they aren’t explained. I almost don’t care why she was angry or how they know or each or who they are, it doesn’t matter given the situation and the way it was told so elegantly. I think the intensity and lustrous quality to the piece was satisfying enough.
Thank you for entering. -
um... if you where trying to advertise cigarets it worked (not the i would ever smoke) i like the story good luck
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What a very interesting moment in time. What I loved most was how so much was implied about their relationship through his thoughts alone. He thinks she looks absolutely lovely smoking that cigarette lol he must have it bad.
It's very cute. Have no idea why she's so frustrated in the beginning, but starting the story simply with "Drive." is just too gripping to change. It raises a lot of questions. (for me, at least.)
Realistic characters and dialogue.
I'd like to see the you create a bigger story around this little scene
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This is really good. I love how even though it is a short story, the characters were still introduced and developed. It was very good on your part.
One thing: realised in line 10 is spelled realzied.
But other than that, awesome!
*KT*
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I loved it but read over the rules if you want to be a finalist
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Done, updated my author's notes (:
x
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Please read over the rules or else I will have to DQ your piece. Thank you.
hint: it has to do with your username and author's notes. -
Interesting!
I love the descriptions that you used in this piece. There was one thing I noticed, which was that you usually aren't supposed to capitalize "she" or "he" at the end of a dialogue-sentence. But that's only minor, it didn't interrupt the flow of your story. Great read!
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I could follow the activity easily and understand what was happening
Unusual bit of writing, you offer here. I gather you are supplying us with a scene to wet our appetites for more of the story
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Your characters are visible and their conversation sounds authentic.
While the male is the narrator, the female, by her actions, holds the reader’s attention. You almost made me want to hunt up a cigarette
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I could follow the activity easily and understand what was happening. JMHO but if you want to intensify a mundane word like ‘about’ try to keep it in the same sentence for impact. (As he watches it dance, he thinks about her, about him, about them and in this moment, about everything.)9
Geri
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Very discriptive.
The story although on the short side has some very good discriptions and vivid imagery.
The language is super as is how the whole piece reads.
Perhaps an expansion on the tale would be in order, as I for one would welcome reading it. -
ah, the beauty of the moment lost
I checked your profile and some of your influences mean a lot to me. The Smiths's song is very dream like, then when you wake, it begins fading away quickly. You capture this well, so you get the atmosphere as intended. Very impressed, i'm heading back to the dreamworld myself in my new work
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This is a well written story. I really like the whole plot and everything. Great job with this story and good luck in my contest.
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Very good.
I love the song this is done to so kudos to you. It's my favourite Smiths song! I didn't know what to think at first, I enjoyed reading your piece first of all and thought it was very relevant of the song. The ending I thought related to the name of the song, the cigarette being the light? Brilliant. Made me very happy as I wanted to listen to the song over and over again!
Mike
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