They dance together
To the sound of their heartbeats
Time slowly ticks away forever
The clock sounding out each second1
They swirl, they sway
He hugs her close
On their last day
She whispers of love2
The ignore the ticking
Their eyes only for each other
Yet still the clock continues clicking
And then, suddenly....3
Boom.
Author notes
Umm... Don't ask. Seriously.
Comments
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Could Be Better
I wont say it isn't good, but it could have been done much better. Don't get on my case if it was something you didn't put any time or effort into writing; you should always try when you write something.
It does convey some meaning, but in my opinion, it failed to evoke the emotions that come with "The End". The symbolism of a ticking clock is powerful, but much more so when used in repetition, like the chorus in a song. It is so short that if you just focused on one aspect of the scene (instead of including the dancing or last words, perhaps it would have been better to simply make a point of the drone and unending ticking, the countdown of the clock), it may have improved the poem.
Another suggestion would be to improve the overall flow of the poetry, because the words you chose can easily cause the reader to stumble over it. A redone poem might sound something like--
They danced together,
A heartbeat keeping time.
Pressed against the other
As a clock begins to chime.
They danced with each other.
He gazed, she blushed.
They murmured, "My love..."
And all had become hushed.
Oblivious to the incessant ticking,
Deaf to the sound of their own hearts breaking,
All the while the clock tick-tocking!
Counting.
Counting.
-- Just a suggestion.
Ok, other than that, though, it was good. I liked the picture you paint, if not exactly how you go about painting it. Umm... Yeah. Not much more to say. Yup. Later. -
I really enjoyed this story. There is so much meaning in it. I like how the ticking of the clock plays an important role. Great job!
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shows promise
enough to make it interesting
Is there more to come?
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