Well Robert, I see you coming home again from one of your little dalliances. You old fart, you think by now that I would at least hear one original excuse from you, about your latest reason you did not come home last night. But I have a surprise for you and it is on video. So now yes that is right come closer, a little closer. Yes open the door and here I am in my red lace cocktail waitress dress.1
"Surprise darling its our anniversary?" I stood there licking my lips, and while anticipating the look of complete surprise come into his eyes. You see I knew he had been cheating on me when I flipped the channel to the Maury show and there he was caught by the Video Vigalante. Hell the bitch was a two bagger, so ugly that Robert needed a bag and she needed a bag and the camera man needed a bag. But oh, now Robert always said he was out taking care of his real estate business. Hmm he seems interested but first I hand him a martini, stirred not shaken with an olive. He likes the black olives for some reason and maybe that has to do with that other little surprise I got in the mail.2
The letter summoning him to court in a paternity suit filed by the Black Bambi of Miami, only we live in Philadelphia. But the picture of the baby was real cute. And he had that distinct football shaped head like Robert. Too bad baby this is the fifth one I got this month. Oh yes in between his stints to the coast he buys insurance policies and names the beneficiaries of the policies. Only none of them is me. Well I had him sign a policy the year before last, while I planned the perfect way to murder the lying, farting bastard. Oh sure, all the presents he bought me was just fine, but that last one took me about three thousand dollars to get rid of. He insults me by screwing around on me and then is too tired to do nothing but fart on me when he is in bed with me. But he said he wanted to give me something for my birthday only he did not tell me it was an STD.3
So there he is standing there looking stupid, and he is thinking something, but then the knockout pills is working on him. Before he passes out, he gets this wild look in his eyes, because he sees that Brutus our Rottweiler is coming out the door to my little secret room. Brutus just loves to lick Robert to taste test him before he chomps down on his ass. Speaking of that ass man I recognized it in another Jerry Springer show the one with the woman dominatrix that liked to dress her men in diapers. Only his diaper slipped and I recognized that mark where he burned made in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 1942. And he is the only man that I know that has three balls. So I guess that is where he gets all that extra hormones from. 4
I also found the thank you card from Bill Clinton, to him for recommending all the hot chicks in Miami when they went down there to check out some real estate? The bar tabs from the clubs were all signed by different women and yet I held my temper. I just had to plan this thing out right. So one day I was driving through the country and I saw an auction sign up for equipment from a farm that was going out of business. I looked and I spotted it in the cow barn. I even thought to myself now what will I do with a milking machine. That is when the farmer told me how much milk it got out of a cow per day and that is when the idea struck me. So now I had the perfect way to get rid of a cheating husband and I intended to make the punishment fit the crime.5
God that was the awful smell to get past because Robert always farts louder and louder when he gets excited. But Brutus drug him to the bed where I tied him up with some of those silk throngs the women in Miami had given him. The blue ribbon one worked just fine as a gag. Then I took a feather and tickled him right under his third ball to get him awake.6
My it was so delicious and you know what he always said that he had a fantasy and so I indulged him in that fantasy. When I hooked him up to the milking machine, I just smiled at him and said to him.7
"Robert darling, you remember when you said that you wanted to be fucked to death baby. Well tonight is the night and lets see how you keep up with this." Oh in between the hissing and the farting and the suction the sounds coming from my bedroom sounded like the fartiscord rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh say can you see Robert and the milking machine. Farttt hiss slurp, slurp. And you know something else since he screwed the judge's wife and the deputies wives plus his defense attorney's wife, I seriously doubt that they will find me guilty, because after all it was the perfect end to a human fucking machine. But he gave out one last fart that sent poor old Brutus out of the room gasping for breath. So I went and got the Febreeze air freshener.8
Author notes
I went back and tried to find the how to know he is cheating but then I said this reminds me of my neighbor Robert and how he was always bragging on his sexual contest. The irritating bastard always had a lame excuse for cheating on his poor wife. He put her through hell but he had a heart or hard attack while having sex with another woman. He really did say that one night to my husband and myself so I came up with this crazy story.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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laughing, oh my goodness....
I agree, I absolutely sit in horror over the Maury show!
and those like it, wondering what the hell are they
thinking, and that's just it ...they don't ...not ever,
until the "consequences come a knockin' on their door"
or appearing on our television screen!
I chuckled at that last line, I too have used
Febreeze after a friend came over and butchered the
cussing language to the point i felt i need to take
a shower!
This was a great unleashing,
and cleverly done, i do believe you should slip
it under your neighbor's door...his wife sure does
deserve better!
ears/Seattle
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Death by snoo snoo? OK I'm lost on that one. lol
I had to read some of your work. to see how you used hooks and created enough mystery to pull a reader in. I give you big points for novelty and rythem. The hook to me was the weird title. I had to see where that would take me.
I could only wish there was a little dialog. Rather than just the internal one from the wifes perspective. Your allusions to other cheaters and otherwise strange man was quite entertaining.
I liked in all in all, it was smooth and fun to read.
Den -
Heya, DEATH BY SNOO SNOO. sooo very funny
XXX -
This was funny. If ya gotta go, go while havin the Big O.
Hugs and bites, Lady Raven -
Yes, this was very funny! I read this story three times and laughed a lot! He got what he wants (a good squeeze) and deserves
An original idea to kill an old bastard lol
Thanks for the laughter and all the best with all you do!
Mari
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This was fun to read and I'll bet it was fun to write.
As to content: You got all the marbles for making your victim dislikeable and creative execution. Not sure that your getaway plan was foolproof. I mean somebody must have liked Robert somewhere. Think you could have done a little more with the ending, but no major deduction there.
As to humor: I laughed and chuckled, grinned and smiled. You did well here.
As to style: you stopped one edit short. This is basicly good solid story telling. It would take very little editing to make this slick.
As to subjective points: You did well here. I think you tapped into your feelings and got them on paper. I think people reading your story will be benefitted from the experience as well as enjoy themselves. Thank you for entering the contest and ridding the world of another creep. Brida has my score sheet and will be announcing the winners shortly.
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This was an interesting story, but I think you could make it easier to read and add flair with the proper punctuation.
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Brilliance in your heart and soul.
~CountryCousin way to go take it to the limit! ~
Sledgehammer up and down in a “milking machine”
Truly a fantastic humours scheme fitting for the crimes
Seems I know a Robert as this
If only if only this could be my destiny
Witty, Forging forward and showing all of us
How darn low low low some men can go.
You only see these things as you experience life
As for me this is the truth and I salute the divine spirit and love within you and your husband for sharing the truth in all its brutal honestly. ~Namaste Blessed Be to you and yours eternally, AngelEyes711~ You unlock the door with the key of imagination . . .."
~ Rod Serling (1924-1975)
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lol how interesting and unique your imagination is. this is a wonderful story. i love it
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HILARIOUS!
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What a way to go..lol. Definately an eyeopener technique. I enjoyed reading this piece. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
this was awesome, i was luaghing so hard through the whole thing, great write.
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Well it definately was a unique way to murder someone and as it was a fantasy of his well, should've kept his mouth shut or rather his trousers zipped.............very novel idea........ some of the paragraphs were a little mixed together making difficult to go with the story but other than that I loved it girl, febreeze inded, works great on their trainers too..........
hugs and Love
LindaXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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