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"Can you tell us anything about your missing girlfriend Mr. Simmons?"2
“Yes she is a cute, tiny, little thing; brown hair and eyes, five feet nothing tall and weighs about 95 lbs.”3
“Tell us a little bit about your life together Mr. Simmons,” the heavyset police officer inquired suspiciously looking across the kitchen table.4
“Well, it’s been over two years since Marcy moved in. She’s almost perfect, with a few endearing quirks. She’s adventurous, but I pretty much got over her wrecking my classic car, I mean, the way she explains it, it was my fault. I practically made her borrow it, by not hiding the keys. And my insurance company would have paid for the totaled Porsche and the phone pole, if she’d remembered to mail the premium and not spent it on new shoes. But I could’ve mailed the check myself, rather than give her the cash, so I shouldn’t blame her for my laziness. And she says she only wants to look good for me.5
When my friends tried to convince me that Marcy was a slob, I defended her. After all she was vacuuming when my hand carved ivory chess set inadvertently got sucked up into the motor and started the silly little fire that burned up the vacuum and my baseball card collection. And you can’t blame her for not washing the dishes after the incident with my bird. I had that Macaw for 15 years and taught it to speak over 300 words. I could have taught it to say, “I’m not dishwasher safe,” but I didn’t. So I guess that was my fault too.6
In her defense, Marcy has a warm heart, she is into animals and they just love her, she’s the kind of girl that takes in a stray kitten, over and over again. First there was one, then two, then 15 then 50. Then somewhere around 79 cats I lost count, I mean, it got hard to tell where one cat ended and another started. They were always having kittens in my dresser and closet. Things smelled of cats, but you got to love a girl that loves animals.7
Marcy’s a romantic, I can’t complain about our love life. She’s not the kind that would ever say no, complain or even wake up. Mornings, when she came home and all the cats were in the bed, I wasn’t always in the mood. Then there’s that cute game she plays when I fall asleep with my pants off, we call it ‘stash the cash’. It’s like hide-and-seek with money. She takes all the money out of my wallet and hides it for me to find. She’s a really good hider. Someday, I’m going to find it all and I’m going to buy her a nice gift; but don’t tell her, it’s a surprise. In any case, not enough sex is mostly my fault. I’m usually too tired at sunrise, or have to go to work, can’t get into those cats clawing at me and in all honesty, I really can’t afford sex anymore. 8
You see officer; overall our life’s pretty normal. She says she’ll never leave me. And she always says, that everything’s my fault, but forgives me anyway. Isn’t that sweet?”9
“Is there anything else about her that bothers you Mr. Simmons? No relationship is perfect. Are you having any other problems?” inquired the other policeman.10
“No, we don’t have any relationship problems officer, but she has a nasty habit of sticking used chewing gum on the furniture. And of course she never ever stops talking.”11
“Did that upset you enough to make you want to do bodily harm to her sir?” inquired the first detective.12
“The gum does kind of bother me, I try to talk to her, but never get a word in edgewise. Earplugs and handiwipes help. But I would never lay a hand on her.”13
“That explains at least one thing,” said one policeman nodding to the other while wiping his fingers on his trousers and looking thoroughly disgusted. “So where’re all those cats you were talking about Mr. Simmons? And where’s that K-9 Unit?”14
“I’m not really sure about the cats or your K-9. Seems to be something in the air that drives animals away from this neighborhood. First the birds disappeared, but that was mainly the cats’ fault. Then the cats left, then some neighbors complained they couldn’t find their dogs and then even the deer that used to eat our tulips just up and vanished. Strangest thing. If it weren’t for my snake Smedly I don’t think there would be a pet left in the neighborhood.15
“I think its time you tell us about your snake, Mr. Simmons. The one coiled around the piano and the sofa. How long have you had it? What kind is it?” asked the plumper cop.16
“Well officer, it’s a Machu Picchu anaconda. It’s actually quite rare. They were coincidently discovered in jungles around abandoned Inca cities in South America. You see right after Marcy wrecked my 1973 Z28 and I started getting garnisheed for the damages, we took a U-haul down to the pet shop to pick up cat food and we saw this cute little yellow snake. He was 46 feet shorter then and fit right in the palm of my hand. He ate white mice. The guy at the store said snakes only grow to the size of their surroundings. I was originally against buying him, but the more I objected, the more Marcy insisted. With all the cats around, he didn’t grow too fast at first. It wasn’t until they started disappearing and he got some room to stretch out, that he really started getting big. We couldn’t keep him in his cage anymore then. But Smedly got along great with those cats. He used to follow them around like a puppy. After the cats were all gone, he started following Marcy around the house and yard. I think she’s into him more than I am.”17
“So when was the last time you saw your girlfriend?” asked the detective as the other cops left through the back door. 18
“Well, one minute Marcy was standing right there, bopping Smedly on the nose with a newspaper, and the next moment she was gone.”19
“Do you normally train giant snakes by bopping them in the nose with a newspaper?”20
“Well, I don’t, I think snakes respond better to love and treats. I told her several times not to, but she always did the exact opposite of what I said. She always insists that she's always right in the end."21
Well Mr. Simmons, I don’t know if she’s exactly right in the end, but unless I miss my guess, I can pretty much safely say, that’s where she’s going to turn up, in the end.22
Author notes
I can't imagine colaborating on a contest and judging someone else on what I have not myself attempted. This is not an entry. Nor should anyone copy it. But it contains the basic elements. First I set up the victim to be unlikeable. Next I planned and executed the homocide. Then I got away with it.
And hopefully you found it funny or at least amusing.
Remember the object of the exercise is to get revenge on that special or those multiple members of the opposite sex that have ticked you off, annoyed you or drove off in your new car with your divorce attorney. The contest is meant to be funny and catharctic, not necessarily realistic.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Well someone up above likes Mr. Simmons. He may have gone through hell a few times but look at his life how. I highly endorse the buying of large snakes.
Reminds me of John Collier and English short story writer who often added dark elements in a humorous vein and with that gradual revealing of the truth.
It's kind of too bad. With all her flaws she did seem monogamous...that in itself isn't easy to find...ok, I'm playing devil's advocate and that was the best I could do for her.
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This is wonderfully funny. I loved it from begining to the very last word. It is really a riot.
Deke -
"f you enjoy what you do, you'll never work a
Hahahahahhahahaha the second time reading this heavenly kiss of bliss, i am rolling on the floor laughing. Seems your life is just like mine. LOL!! Bravo RJ, i can deeply relate to someone blaming you for everything that goes wrong. I deeply enjoyed this laugh today. You’re charming at Humour, and your X O Lent at romantic poetry. Never Never stop writing; your allure shines bright and high! I love how you leave this up to the reader to decide... Hahhahahahahhhahaa... love you forever. Thank you this storywrite brought a twinkle to my heart and laughing eyes. Namaste Blessed Be, the power of love is a curious thing, makes you laugh, and true love make me sing. All the best, to you and yours Rj, I can feel your the charm and allure of any gathering.. I can feel your good vibrations today and yesterday. Just me being wild and free, Sharron
My Comment, which did not come clear in the verdict, goes something like this.
"If you enjoy what you do, you'll never work another day in your life."
Edited on Jul 05, 10:03 p.m. because ''. -
ha! that's awesome. if that happened in real life, well, that'd be kinda creepy. i am kind of confused as to how the person got away with it though. did the narrator make up the story with the snake and the cats? did he actually kill her? or did the snake? did he basically siq(sp?) the snake on her? i'm a bit confused. but other than that, cool story.
~Addie~ -
Genius, Humorous, Passionate. ROTFL!
~My beloved RJ this is a priceless Kodak moment. Being an animal lover what an ingenious fantastic plot and story. I deeply agree with montez, is there a fee to borrow your "anaconda for a while"? ROTFL! Thank you my new old friend precious wonderful beautifully penned. I was laughing the entire time. Strange as it seems the same thing happened to me. ~Namaste Blessed Be, to you and yours, oh please give us more as this humours story. AngelEyes711~ -
Quaint little story Rj.
Is it possible to borrow the anaconda for a while (but only if he's ravenously hungry)?
Robin. -
Very well done, the way you laid this out was perfect. You could picture it in my mind this guy giving off his story to the cops and keeping the same face even as the stories of what she use to do to him got worse. Even while knowing he did it, you couldn't help but feel bad for the guy. Take care and God bless.
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Ohh that was priceless. Tho I prefer torture devices for the opposite sex. . I am so gonna have fun writing mine. This was great.
Hugs and bites, Lady Raven -
Oh, I said I'll never read anything for this contest, but I had to read your story anyway. One thing I have to confess, you are a great writer. The story is well written, but I still think this contest is more twisted than anything I've ever thought of. Wishing someebody to die, even in fiction is not good, not good at all.
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This is great! You mixed humour with a very intelligent plot.
I liked the idea of this perfect 'murder'. A very good way to get rid of someone who really annoys you
Very well done! I only wonder why this isn't in the contest, more people should read it tehre to have an idea of what you are expecting to find as entries.
I told you before how good you are writing stories, must tell you again after reading this one.
GG -
Your a twisted man.And just like Steven King ,a total talent.How did you come up with this? Wow! I'm no where near this inventive. This was a fantastic story! And it all took place in the matter of a few paragraphs.Great job!~~Suseann
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