Taylor watched the wet windows slowly wind up in her father’s car. She turned around to see her goodbye surprise party disappearing around the corner as she drove down her street for the very last time. She saw her friends for the last time; her school for the last time; her house for the last time; her old life for the very last time.1
Taylor had just lost her mother, Christina to a very severe case of cancer. Christine was everything to Taylor. She helped her through life when things were just getting to tough and hard. She comforted her when she was down; she was her best friend. It had been awfully hard for her when she was first told the horrible news. The doctor gave Christine about six months to enjoy the rest of her life. However due to Christine’s determination to see Taylor grow up, she fought extremely hard. She lived a lot longer than the expected six months.2
It had been a year since Christine first broke the news to Taylor. One day, Taylor came home extremely happy to see her mum as she had the best news. She had been asked to participate in an academic competition for all the schools in her town. She ran through the house calling her mother. 3
She began to get worried when she couldn’t find her, as her car was parked in the driveway. With a dramatic sense of urgency, she called out again, her voice quivering with nervousness. She searched the whole house, eventually her mother’s room. She walked into the ensuite to see her mother sprawled in an extremely awkward position on the cold, hard bath room floor. Her flesh as cold as snow, her heart giving its last few beats ever. She was dead. 4
Taylor finally broke her stare from her hometown for the last time as they exited, on the way to the closest airport. She gazed down at herself. She was dressed in a long red and orange chequered skirt that looked appeared as if it had been ripped up from the carpet. Her plain white shirt was tucked in; the clothes of a typical stereotyped teenage nerd. 5
In Joville it did not matter who you were or what you looked liked. No one classified them self more superior than others, or better then each other. That’s the one thing she knew she would miss moving to a new town. She knew she wouldn’t fit in. She had seen too many movies to actually believe she would be accepted for who she was. According to movies, nerds were scum who were picked on, just because they were smart. 6
Her father- Sam finally pulled up at the airport. “I’m sure going to miss this place,” he said with a sigh.7
“Well whose idea was it to move away,” she replied in an angry tone. 8
Taylor did not want to move away. In the week leading up to moving, she would not talk to her father at all. She refused to look at him or have anything to do with him. The only reason she came along is because he was her legal gaurdian. Well until she is eighteen anyway.9
“We decided it would be best, remember,” he said in an exasperated voice. “To get away from that town where we had so many memories about Mum, and just move to a new town, for a fresh new start.”10
“I don’t know where you got that we part from, because I’m pretty sure I did not want to move at all,” Taylor replied in a frustrated tone.11
“That’s enough,” he said with a hint of finality in his voice. “We have had this argument before and we are not about to have it again, especially in public.”12
“I was not the one who brought it up, was I? Taylor replied under her breath as she pushed her way through the noisy crowd to the front of the plane. 13
She was angry at her father. She didn’t know if her anger would ever subside over the months, or disappear at all. She was leaving her whole life behind; just because someone wanted to get over their dead wife.14
Taylor sat down in her seat of the plane and closed her eyes. She tried not to think about leaving. But she was just so scared about moving away from Joville that she could not help thinking about it. She also thought of her mother. How she hated having to leave the place her mother grew up and loved. The memories of her mum quickly flashed through her mind. 15
She couldn’t hold it in anymore. Her head started to spin and warm, salty tears rolled down her cheek. She just wanted to go to sleep, and never wake up; be with her mother in heaven. She would do anything just to hear her voice again or even just get the slightest glance of her. She was lost without her. Eventually, after many warm tears poured out of her large brown eyes, she fell asleep, having the usual haunting nightmares about her mother. 16
The plane landed on the slippery surface of the strange new town, Taylor was about to experience life living in. She stepped out of the stairs and on to the ground. She inhaled deeply and glanced around the unfamiliar settings. She had never been to New Jersey before. However, within the first few minutes of experiencing life there, she already had a fair idea about it. People; they were so different already. It was like they were never taught how to be a proper well mannered person. They would barge through the slow moving crowds, without even uttering a single word of apology to anyone. 17
The weather; it was completely the opposite of Joville. Currently in Joville, the weather was amazing. It was one of the most beautiful places in the world to experience spring. The flowers were at that stage of blooming. It was an unbelievable site to witness. It was one of the many things she would miss dearly about Joville. In New Jersey, the weather was already horrifically atrocious. Taylor had never experienced electrical thunder storms of this scale. 18
Taylor and Sam ran for cover through the storm. Finally, after being soaked from head to toe they ducked under the door, entering the massive airport. They quickly located their luggage and headed for the exit. 19
“How are we getting to our house?” Taylor asked her father poliety. She did not want another argument occurring. 20
“Your Great Aunt Rose is picking us up in around about ten minutes,” he replied just as politely. It was obvious he too was trying to avoid another row21
“I never knew I had a Great Aunt Rose,” she replied in a slightly shocked voice. “Whose side of the family?”22
“She’s my aunty, step aunty anyway. And you have never met her, so please be polite to her. I know you don’t really get along with new people,” he stated with a hint of annoyance in his voice23
“I will behave myself if you behave yourself,” she replied angrily, obviously obviously aware of her fathers tone. Taylor had one last look at him, scolded and turned around the other way, watching the busy streets.24
He went to open his mouth to snap back at her when he was interrupted by a loud ‘honk honk’. The honking made both Taylor and Sam spin around. Parked just beside them was a red hot Ferrari. “Wow!” Sam and Taylor both exclaimed at the same time. Their eyes met, and then suddenly both cracked up laughing. It was a good thing about Sam and Taylor’s fights, they hardly ever lasted, and they were easily resolved.25
“Hi, I’m Rose!” said Taylor’s aunty towards Taylor, as she jumped out of her car to help give them a hand. “Great Aunt Rose.”26
“I’m Taylor,” she said simply but politely. “I love the car. We never had cars like this back in Joville. We only had old bombs, like dads car.27
“I like this girl all ready,” she replied with a large grin facing Sam. “You brought her up well. She has a good old sense of humour, just like her old great aunt here.”28
Taylor smiled and jumped in the car. It was a fair drive to their new house, about one hour. However the drive was worth it. When the storm had stopped, the scenery was beautiful. The rain droplets gave each piece of scenery or shrubbery an improvement. It was almost as beautiful as spring in Joville, when all the flowers were in the process of blooming. 29
Eventually, the Ferrari pulled up in their new driveway. Taylor looked up at the house. It was massive compared to her old house. Her Joville house had only two bed rooms, and it had a slight country look to it, that Taylor and Christine adored, and Sam absolutely hated. That’s probably why he chose this house, Taylor thought. It is completely opposite to our old house. 30
Thanking Rose, Taylor and Sam, jumped out of the car, and carried their luggage up to the front stairs. “Here it goes,” Sam said as he reached for the door handle, twisting it to open it. The door opened with an eerie creak, and Sam entered cautiously, followed by Taylor.31
They walked in, looking around. It had a slightly musty smell, but it was liveable. Taylor walked up stairs. She found a bedroom she liked and claimed it immediately. The bed was freshly made. She looked at it with a desperate look. She was so tired, but she needed to unpack. The unpacking can wait til morning, she finally thought. She switched the light off, and hopped into her bed. Her eyes drifted off to sleep, and silence filled the room.
Author notes
SOrry if you dont like it, but please comment on it. that would be really thankful
In a list
A contest entry
- Points Up For Grabs. by Savage.
817 points, ended January 23, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme Gimme Gimme by Luckyk.
228 points, ended April 8, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
ooo! this is amazing.. seriously girl, you are SUCH a good writer.. u have no idea
x -
Nice! I like dit, detailed ( i wish i can write like this ) I can't though you can! Moving to a new place is tuff, and im glad you express feeling and attitude. Some humour as well.
-
hiya
just dropped by to say... was up dude?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
its the only one of ur stories i haven't read. until now
i liked it heaps. im pretty sure i know who u based ur taylor character on
-
-
who did i base my taylor character on?
-
-
she is eighteen -she was eighteen
Great story overall, just make it a bit less direct. I dunno how to say it, but whatever. Good for a first chapter anyway(compared 2 me)
-
Excellent
This was great, but you should have added a some details about the characters' appearances. Nothing else, except for few minor grammar errors.
Great job!
Towards the questions:
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
I liked the beginning, kept my attention which is hard to do so congrats. Just a few notes. In paragraph your talking about Taylor's appearence, I believe the wording was typical steroetyped nerd...steroetypical sounds more natural. In 14 Taylor is referring to her fathers need to get over his dead wife, kinda harsh for someone who really misses her mother. last but not least in 24 you wrote obviously twice. Just a few observations. Other wise I liked it, has serious potential. gonna go read chapter two now!
-
Well written and very interesting. You repeated a lot of things in it and there were some spelling and grammar errors. If you go over it again and again and make it the best you can, I'm sure it will turn out great.
-
I think this has potental, you have potental as a writer as well. I noticed a few things that I think I ought to point out.
First off you paint this town that she is from as being perfect, I have moved 16 times and lived in many towns and there is not a one thus far that has a school (students and teachers) as excepting as that, or anything near to it. In any school there is going to be a hyerarchy with people at the bottom being bullied and people at the top who are 'popular' this even goes for the smallest schools (graduating class of 12 students). You make the town out to be too perfect and thus not believable expecially in comparison to how you describe the city.
She seems odly calm for just loosing her mother, I don't how exactly she seems as such but it just came across as such to me.
Why was the bed made when she walked in but she still had to unpack? They don't seem to be rich enough to have someone come in and get the beds set up and made for them and most houses don't come with made beds in tact, so how?
There are also a few editing things, swapped and repeating words, forgetten words, a few mispellings or wrong word use.
This does seem however to have potental it just needs a little bit more work.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. -
Hallo citcat...
I read this chapter and found I did not get bored, which is always a good thing. You certainly have the makings of a writer and I would be interested in the next chapter to this story.
I would suggest that you read it again slowly, so you pick up on small mistakes as...At first, you called the mother, Christina, then changed it to Christine. Most readers are also quite critical of even the smallest mistake.
Again, I would advise against the use of semi-colon's, when a comma will do. The gramma is good and I quickly grasped the nature of Taylor.
One other thing, it is never good to use the word 'mum' as you do. The book would be read world-wide and it is better to write as 'mother', which is acceptable to all readers. The word 'Mum' is very English, while Taylor is in America, where they use 'Mom'.
It is the small things which matter. I have to get into the tale before reaching a full conclusion.
Here's a treat... I help mature writers with their work and you have a far better grasp of english than most of them...Never give up on your dream!
Ron. -
That was good, but there were a few mistakes that kept yanking my attention off the story. Go through and check it all, and try changing 'I will' and stuff into 'I'll' it makes the story alot smoother.
Good luck in my contest, with this and your other story/ies.
-
Hey there, I was going to edit as I went, but after realising someone already have I decided not to confuse with more edits.
First of I think the story was fab and some great details. I would always like to say, never say you are sorry if someone does not like your story, they will either like it or not. There are so many readers and writers on here and out there that if this type of story is not for them, then they can skip it.
You have a very strong beginning with a little tweaking will be even better. I do advise making sure you don't allow your chapters to be to long, I am still working on that...lol...we are all here to learn no matter our ages.
Can i ask if you have made plans on where this is going? If not please feel free to ask for advice. Everyone works in different ways and my way may not be your way, but can be adapted to be your way.
Hope that helps.
Sarah. -
-
hey, if you read my story 'helplessness' im kinda extending on that like adding a beginnin to it and a end, so yeh thats kinda the plan
-
-
I have made some suggestions to help you improve this piece, suggestions are in bold, and the non-bold words are your original story. Please do not be offended as I have made quite a few. Your story is great and the characters believable and descriptions well detailed, I have literally tried to help you out with your grammar and word choice etc.
Taylor had just lost her mother, Christina to a very severe case of cancer. Christine was everything to Taylor. She helped her through life when things were just getting to tough and hard. She comforted her when she was down; she was Taylor’s best friend. It had been awfully hard for Taylor when she was first told the horrible news. The doctor gave Christine about six months to enjoy the rest of her life. However due to Christine’s determination to see Taylor grow up, she fought extremely hard. She lived a lot longer than the expected six months.2 (This is just a suggestion, and maybe only something that bothers me, but it is sometimes best to avoid repetition, in this paragraph alone, you have written Taylor 5 times. Maybe you could refer to her as “her daughter” or even “she” or her.”
Taylor finally looked away from her hometown for the last time as they exited, on the way to the closest airport. She looked down at herself. She was dressed in a long red and orange chequered skirt that looked like it had been ripped up from the carpet. Her plain white shirt was tucked in; the cloths of a typical stereotyped teenage nerd. 5 (you have repeated the word “looked” 3 times in this paragraph, perhaps replace it with “gazed” or when you wrote “looked away” you could write “broke her stare” and when you wrote “orange chequered skirt that looked like…” you could even right “that appeared as if” just some suggestions is all)
In Joville it did not matter who you were or what you looked liked. No one classified them self more superior then others, or better then (should be than
Her father, Sam (should read “Her father – Sam, finally…” finally pulled up at the airport. “I’m sure going to miss this place,” he said with a sigh.7
The only reason she came along is because she is legally his property (not sure if property is the correct word here, perhaps change to “he was her legal guardian”. Well until she is eighteen anyway.9
“We decided it would be best, remember,” he said in an exasperated voice. “To get away from that town where we had so many memories about Christine (would he call her Christine or mum?),
“I don’t know where you got that we (consider deleting “we” part from, because I’m
She was leaving her whole life behind,(replace comma with semi-colon) just because someone wanted to get over their dead wife.14
The plane landed on the slippery surface of the strange new town, Taylor was about to experience life living in. (life living in?? are you missing a word here?) She stepped out of the stairs and stepped on to the ground. (repetition of the word stepped, you could remove the second stepped and the sentence flows much better) She took a deep breath in (don’t need “in” just “she took a deep breath” or “inhaled deeply”and glanced around the unfamiliar settings. She had never been to New Jersey before. However, within the first few minutes of experiencing life there, she already had a fair idea about it. People; they were so different already. It was like they were never taught how to be a proper well mannered person. They would barge through the slow moving crowds, without even uttering (I sound trivial now, but think if you swapped the words “without” and “even” around it would sound better) a single word of apology to anyone. 17
In New Jersey, the weather was already horrifically atrocious. (horrifically and atrocious, basically mean the same thing so maybe only use one to describe the conditions) Taylor had never experienced electrical thunder storms of the sort that was happening now. (may sound better as “Taylor had never before experienced electrical thunderstorms of this scale”, or of this magnitude.” 18
Taylor and Sam (her father) ran for cover through the storm. Finally, after being soaked from head to toe they ducked under the door, entering the massive airport. They quickly located their luggage and headed for the door. (repetition of word “door” try replacing the second one with “exit” 19
“How are we getting to our house?” Taylor asked politely to Sam. (asked her father politely) She did not want another argument occurring. 20
“Your Great Aunt Rose is picking us up in around about ten minutes,” he replied just as politely. He too was obviously trying to avoid another row.21 (It was obvious he too was trying to avoid another row)
I know you don’t really get along with new people,” he said answering her question. However he answered with a tiny hint of annoyance in his voice. 23 (a slight restructure here may help: An “I know you don’t really get along with new people,” he stated with a hint of annoyance in his voice
“I will behave myself if you behave yourself,” she replied angrily, obviously not missing the hint of annoyance in his voice. (you do not need to be so explicit as to repeat the “hint of annoyance in his voice” maybe would sound better something like: “obviously aware of her fathers tone”.)
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
