If I Die

If I Die1

If I am to die today, listen and please try to understand2

I am not to be blamed, as3

These woods are adamantly magical, although the sky,4

Overcast and gray as it is,5

I could envision the rain falling, though 6

No droplets seem to be touching the ground,7

Paved with asphalt it is,8

Black as a nightmare it is, and9

If I were to have been attacked or strangled by 10

This strange person whose voice I have heard commanding me to die,11

Some horrific humanoid creature that wants me damned, dead and gone,12

If I am to die to day, it is to be my fate;13

I just cannot persevere,14

Not one more moment, neither a second longer, as15

My pain has cut me so deeply,16

I believe my time has come.17

Please do not pick roses for me, neither18

Wild flowers whether be wild violets, dandelions or19

Let the morning glories open and laugh all they care to, as20

I cannot laugh, but neither can I weep,21

Though pain cuts deeply into my soul and the very core of me.22

No rain has ever fallen from my heart, or laughter from my essence.23

Somehow I cannot feel the raindrops no matter how hard they fall24

Touch my lashes or braise my skin, and as25

I try to collect the few leaves that fall from the maple trees in this forest26

In the early summertime,27

I hold them in my cupped hands so that28

I may forlornly place them upon my gravesite29

If I am to die today.30

If today is the day that I am to die,31

It will only be the obedience of some commanding voice or thought32

That so cruelly orders me to take my life –33

I know deep inside my core that this lurid command34

I must obey.35

I am forever on the run with the graceful and lovely deer that rule these woods,36

Forever on the run I am from what has been deemed as reality.37

If today is the day that I am to die,38

It is my plight,39

Suicide must be my fate tonight,40

But please do not punish me for I am at such a loss,41

So confused of what is real and what is not,42

I must obey the lurid commands that permeate my mind so many hours of each day and night I am alive,43

For if I do not I shall be destined anyways, to burn in hell-44

My pain cuts more deeply every single moment that advances on my inner time clock,45

So tonight must be the time my life must end.46

Please do not pick roses or any wild flowers47

To place by my gravesite, just48

Let the morning glories’ laughter entertain you as you 49

Walk past my stone and50

Accept my apologies for leaving you- my family and the few friends I have on this planet,51

I hope I have not hurt you as much as I am hurting at this moment,52

But I must bid my fond farewells to everyone,53

I have for so long been on the run54

From what is real and also all the terrible thoughts, voices and beliefs that others have deemed as false,55

I just cannot live this way another day.56

So since today is the day that I am to die,57

Leave a branch of an evergreen at my site, as58

It is the most beautiful tree in all these woods,59

And wherever my spirit ends up it will always be on the run60

And looking out for the welfare of everyone61

Who tried to save me from this dreadful plight,62

That I have had to live with every morning, day and every night,63

And remember I love you all as much as I am capable of loving anyone,64

So I bid you all a fond farewell,65

Please do not weep for me but always laugh with the morning glories66

Every day when they open their eyes to the rising sun…67

Claudia Krizay68