Fragmentation

Every time I think I understand myself, I discover a new layer of confusing difficult crap.1

So, I feel like I understand where my violent impulses of the last few years came from. I'm no longer psychotic thanks to medical cannabis, and I have someone who loves me in my life now, ugliness and all. I vent in ugly little drawings and ugly little stories when I feel the need, and that crazy vibrating *need* to plunge a knife into a rapist like I'm raping him all over... the need to hunt, to kill, to feed... it's still there, but so much quieter now. No more overwhelmingness.2

So why do I keep thinking about it?3

I have emotions. I am genuinely empathic. I know because I became "friends" with someone who isn't. We compared ourselves to each other, and found distinct and obvious differences beyond certain... commonalities.4

So why do I keep writing about it? So why do I keep drawing it?5

If I'm such a decent person, why do I keep wanting it so bad?6

Sometimes I want to kill myself, just to keep from doing what I know I'm going to do someday, when there's no reasons left not to.7

Other times I can't wait for that day, I dream of it, wait for it...8

The illusion of unity stands revealed as wishful thinking. I may be sane now, by some measures, but I'm just as fragmented as ever.9

How can I be the predator's hunger and the predator's pack-love at the same time? 10

I am a starving wolf in a city.11

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to be. I don't know what to think of myself.12

Sometimes I tell myself I just need to accept myself as I am. Other times I ask myself, What the hell is wrong with you?13

What the hell IS wrong with me?

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • DeniseC
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    Oh..I feel sorry about your story. Sometimes, I feel sad because things go not the way I want, but you know, hard things can make us stronger and push us harder to grow and learn, also become a person. But don't ever try to kill yourself, it not only affects your life, but the others. Like people who love you. And I believe that you have got many people who love you too!

    Just like me, I was a really pessimistic person. And there was no happiness in my own world, but I eventually became a happy person. Because I have found many people who care about me, who love me. Of course we always get into troubles or feel sad, but you just need to find ways to make you feel better. For me, I would go and eat chocolate, it always makes me feel better!

    I hope you feel better now. And yeah, try to accept yourself! Sometimes, I want to be anyone else, but its impossible, right? So the only thing we need to do is accepting the way we are, and love life and never give up.

    Great job. I hope I did help you. Feel free to find me again if you need me. Best of luck in the contest and thanks for entering it.

    Denise


  • Reaver Greeters member
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    What is wrong with you?....nothing. Everyone feels violent, emotional, lost and strange at times. You just experience them differently than others, so it makes you unique. Not wrong.

    Good entry and best luck.
    Rian


    • intoothandclaw
      January 14
      Edit | Reply
      Heh. Thanks for the sentiment. But I know better. It's different in me. Everyone does feel violent sometimes at emotionally appropriate moments. What happens to me is totally disconnected from that kind of cycle. It's OCD, essentially, twisted into something uglier than usual. I don't know why it's not going away. Maybe just the increase in stress and hence anxiety lately... I dunno, though. It seems to crop up almost at random these days, alternately connected to and disconnected from sexuality, emotionality... Don't know. Still trying to understand it.

      I also don't know how unique I am. I wonder sometimes just what everyone else is hiding. Nature of the disorder, I guess.

      Thank you very much tho'. I hope things are going well for you.

      • Reaver Greeters member
        January 14
        Edit | Reply
        huh. You and i must have totally different variations of OCD. Just let me know if i can help in any way. Feeling disconnected is no way to go at life

        Rian

        • intoothandclaw
          July 5
          Edit | Reply
          I also manifest a lot of the more typical obsessions and compulsions, too. I have food rituals, perfection rituals, number rituals... so much crap. So much I don't realize how much is even rooted in pathology, so much of it seems totally natural and happens so unconsciously.

          Sorry it took so long to reply to this. Somehow I overlooked the comment.

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