-------warning contains profanity---------1
I stare at the teacher across his desk as he attempts to discipline me. I’m not listening to what he’s saying, but inspecting the diplomas on the wall. Ha you have put up your A level diplomas, you silly cunt. 2
“Christopher!” the teacher shouts at me breaking my concentration3
“Yeah?” I reply4
“Are you even listening?” I can see the teacher going red5
“To be honest sir…no,” oh, a nice shade of purple on your cheeks there.6
“You’re an insolent toe rag Coyle, I am going to call your mother and suspend you.”7
“No, you aren’t sir.”8
“Oh, and why not?” the teacher sounds angry and amused, a strange mix really.9
“Because sir, if you do, I’m going to tell everyone you tried to fuck me.”10
The teacher stand up so quickly the chair slides a few inches backwards with momentum. I can see at least three veins sticking out of his forehead.11
I put my feet up onto his desk.. perhaps its a bit too much.. but I think it helps magnify my arrogance.12
“Think before you do anything sir, in this state you may do something you will later regret. I’d take a seat and think long and hard. At some point your going to try to decide if I am capable of actually publicly accusing you, sir, you know I am. And even without proof, you know your reputation will be ruined and, the rumours will exist forever. And sir, I am very good at lying… I tell you what sir, ill let myself out. Only a year left sir, just keep out of my way and we are cool.”13
I lean forward slapping my hands onto my knees as I get ready to get up. He twitches, then takes another step back.14
“Oh and sir, say hi to your daughter for me.” I give him a smile, and twitch my eye, not quite a wink but I want him to be unsure if I winked at him or not. I hope he has a daughter. In fact if he doesn’t it could just confuse him further. He will think I’m totally insane.15
As I’m making my way down the corridor my hearts a little faster than usual, my emotions are well hidden but they do exist somewhere inside. I open the door to the year eleven common room.16
“What’s up motherfuckers?” I shout as I enter17
“Hey, Chris… what happened with Lindsey?” James replies18
“Usual shit mate, I should have told him to go fuck himself.” I say19
“Yeah, right, you would be kicked out of school!” James says as he shakes head20
Author notes
(Part of the Raw series)
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I see the grammar, punctuation and spelling have already been mentioned. I agree that this smart ass needs to be taken down a peg or two. Hope somewhere in your story that happens in a big way.
-
Your character isn't exactly a lovable one. It's more like a Mary Sue for those who hate their teachers and would do anything to get one over on one of them. You know, the rebel type that everyone thinks they are. He's full of himself and has no weaknesses.
Beyond that, you should comb through this piece for errant commas, missing apostrophes, and letters that should be capitalized. In example, ill and I'll are not the same thing.
People like to see a character who has weaknesses, because that's what will make your character real. If you're going to have a kid like this who comes off as being an arrogant self-titled badass, you should have that come around to bite him in the end. As an example (and I hate using my own pieces as a reference) I've written a short story where someone's car gets hit and he tries to trick the person at fault into paying for more than he was supposed to. He ends up succeeding, but soon realizes that he was the one who was duped in the end.
I can say, however, that your dialogue is probably the best part here. The initial exchange between the character and the teacher comes off as being somewhat realistic. It was later that it began to dissolve--mostly where he goes into his big tirade.
So all in all, it could use some work in my opinion. To use the words of earlier commenters, I hope he gets what's coming to him. That would make this a more worthy read
-
I am randomly looking around, and this is really good. You have peaked my intrest. Keep up the good work....
-
I found it very interesting, and quite funny. I especially liked the blackmail in it! Well, great work!
-
I like it
when you are saying sir, i think it would be better to state that you are mocking him. "sir," i said mockingly' you know, to get it goin. Just a suggestion.
As for the story... there have definatly been teachers i have wanted to say that to, but i dont have the guts like your character. I dont think many people do lol. I agree with icewolf though, i hope this kid gets what coming to em. -
good story, not sure how I feel about the idea- I personally believe kids get away with too much nowadays... but the story was well writtern, and I liked it.
-
o.o did you continue this? i kinda hope this kid gets whats coming to him. lol. great read.
-
Paragraph 13: "publically" is spelled publicly.
"roumers" is spelled as rumors, also, before that, in the same sentence you use and twice. Once before the comma and once after. Eliminate one. :]
Those are the only ones that popped out at me. I don't wish for you to take any offense by this, I'm just trying to help...
-
-
Thank you.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
