-------warning contains violence and profanity---------1
I was fooling myself that I wouldn’t regret this later. The guilt I would never shake, you truly live for the moment when your actions are ruled my emotion. At this moment, my life was ruled by pure, undying, all encompassing hate. I have no care or vision of the world outside. No thought or intelligence, just pure emotion. 2
The adrenalin was making my hand shake, I pushed my knee down harder onto his chest, I could hear him wheezing through the blood, drowning, most of his face was covered in it, both my hands were.3
I wiped my left hand on my jeans, keeping my right on his throat. I then took a biro out my back pocket and held it to his cheek4
“You fucking cunt,” my words came out much shakier than I had hoped.5
I drew a circle around both his eyes, however no ink came out, instead I just spread his blood around in circles.6
“Pick a fucking eye,” I said, putting emphasis on each word. There was no reaction, I stared into his eyes, imagining what one of them was about to look like, from the perfectly constructed organ that took millions of years to get right, to the unsightly mush that would take seconds to create. His brow was tensed, so about a dozen lines lay parallel on his forehead, his brown eyes were so shiny, but through the tears I could see deep into him, I could see how he was scared, his humanity, I knew at that moment that he was once a child, he was once innocent, that he could have years of full life in front of him, he could raise a family. I knew this, because destroying it all was what I wanted, I want to take everything from him. 7
“PICK, A, FUCKING, EYE!,” I repeated, louder this time.8
My hand was shaking, I knew he wouldn’t respond, if my mind was in an emotional state, it was nothing compared to what he must be in, I looked down and saw he had pissed himself.9
"Pussy," I said in his ear. I held the biro to the side of his right eye. Both eyes shut instantly, and a tear dropped down the side of his face.10
I was surprised how hard it was to push the biro in, the nib split his eyelids, and the biro slid in, there were a few drops of blood, accompanied by a scream, far from the Hollywood zombie movie scream, the scream was almost quiet, perhaps damped by the amount of blood flowing down his throat, however it was piercing, echoing inside my head.11
I let go of the pen, it was about three quarters of an inch in, and he was wailing uncontrollably, I felt sick, I expected to feel joy from doing so much damage to him , but the anger was substituted with something much more bitter. I placed my palm onto the top of the pen, and let all my weight drive it home into his head. With barely a whimper I felt him go limp. 12
Author notes
(Part of the Raw series)
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Oh my god. Wow. This is... oh my god. Vicious. The piece is written very well, but I'm curious as to the setting, where the characters are located, who they are, and what happened to make the main character do this to him. But really, wow. This was powerful. I cried.
Minor mistakes I caught, nothing major. (:
P2; 'my' should be 'by'
P3; 'adrenalin' should be 'adrenaline'; P3 is also a bit of a run-on, and should probably be shortened up or split into two sentences. :]
P7; last sentence is also a really, really long sentence.
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You hit the nail on the head. didn't see it for myself but its so obvious now.
Thanks.
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I'm not really sure what you're trying to do in terms of technique. I understand the content and I like the way you take the story itself, but it's written in the first person and quite coolly at that, as if someone were recounting being angry and committing an obscene act -after- they came to terms with it. My question to you is this: Why not write it from the moment? Was it a stylistic choice for the narrator's tone to be so matter of fact? I always use Faulkner as an example of breaking syntax to really get inside of his character's heads, but even consider modern 'greats' like Cormac McCarthy. So I guess what I'm saying is, to me, your narrator is on the middle of the fence... not defined enough to be stylistically one way or another (disinterested or impassioned) and consequently comes across like flat coca cola.
I don't mean to pan you so hard, and don't get the impression that I didn't like this. That is, I didn't like it until the end, when I realized it wasn't just senseless gore. -
Very graphic and explicit.
Like the other reviewers, I am also wondering what happened beforehand to bring about such hatred; perhaps a clue of some sort could be given in the dialogue eg this is payback for (whatever).
Other than that this was a very good descriptive piece of writing.
P2 - my emotion - by emotion
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Well, you certainly have my attention. I'm curious just what happened before all of this occured, though sometimes we don't need to know. You did a very good job of describing the absolute rage within the character, but without knowing what had happened to deserve the ire, it is hard to connect with. Overall, well done.
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Holy S**T
Seriously that was vicious. I am quite a bit curious about what would bring someone to something like that. Through an eye *cringes* and into his brain? Grah... so violent. This was great, probably a bit more imagery than I would have wanted being as it was so gruesome. Great work!
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