I Do Not Do Halloween Very Well

I do not do Halloween very well and I remember several Halloweens that went awry. But the most memorable one was the time that I dressed up like Big Bird to go to my friend's party at the church that I attended.1

I had gone to the previous one dressed as a pumpkin and had forgotten to check the gas tank. I ran out of gas on my way to the party and had to walk. I heard the screeching of air brakes and looked up to see a truck driver beaming at me. I stated to him that I had run out of gas, so he went and got the gas for me. But he requested that I let him take a picture of me as he wanted the guys back at the terminal to know he was not pilled up. "They would never believe that I gave a pumpkin a ride to the gas station. Okay and I was very red faced especially since the state trooper that was always chasing me had a field day laughing at me.2

"Oh did the widdle pumpkin run out of pumpkin juice?"3

So this time I was dressed up as Big Bird but the feet were too big for me to get into the car and drive. So it was a short distance to the church and I walked. I had gotten about one block when a poodle came running out of a house ans started barking at me. He grabbed my tail feathers and ran off with it. So I chased him and I heard his mistress screaming at me and she called the police. They were amused at the fact this woman said a big chicken was chasing her Fluffy and she wanted them to come and shoot me. I almost wished that they had because of the same state trooper who by now was having hysterical fits. I surely wished he had given me a ticket because of the ribbing I got.4

And then I got to the party at my friends house and I was assigned to hand out the apples to the children. There was one little blonde haired and blue eyed girl dressed in a fairy costume. She was so cute and so I dropped an apple in her basket that held her goodies. The host of the party came up and told me to give her another apple because she was so cute. I started to but the kid looked at us and said.5

"Hell no bitch you broke my frigging cookies the first time." 6

To top that off one kid saw me in the Big Bird costume and Janella in her witches costume and he dropped his basket after peeing on himself and ran screaming to his mother. Wouldn't you know it but this was the same lady that called the cops on me in the first place and that damned poodle got out of the car and charged me again. This time he tore out a piece of my the costume where my leg was and the foot came off. So this time my friend called the cops because the dog bite had broken my skin.7

Here they come up there and the kid is crying his mother is mad and Fluffy has not gotten my chicken foot out of his jaws. The cop looked at Fluffy and goes.8

"Well I guess he came back for another piece of chicken." They did tell her that I could not be held responsible for scaring the shit out of her kid and that she had better apologize to me for her dog biting me. But the report read this. Dog chased woman in chicken costume, got a piece of tail the first time and then came back and got a leg. We hope subject dog does not go for the breast next time.9

The next year I dressed like a pirate and took along my friends parrot and I had to drop by the bank to cash a check for the church. That damned parrot flew off my shoulder and went in the teller window where it flew over the teller's head and scared the next cashier. She set off the alarm and here comes the cops again. I had a hard time explaining that I was not trying to rob the bank, because you can't enter a bank wearing a mask. The newspaper did a story on it because they thought it was funny and the headlines read. Pirate robs bank with Parrot. So you can see that I do not do so good on Halloween. I should just go as myself. Oh I forgot to mention that Fluffy died from unknown reasons two weeks after the costume party. And I felt guilty because it made me feel like I had given that dog rabies or something.10