Clarity

I opened to the first page of my new diary and read the first entry dated my 17th birthday. It was titled, “17…& Balding.” I sighed as memories of the last two years of high school flashed in my mind. I cringed and snapped it shut. SPM was over a couple of months ago, I left my room exactly as it was during the last day of SPM. Textbooks, reference books, notes and examination papers were left stacked atop each other on the book shelf. A medium sized mound of study material piled under my bed. I never touched them since that day of liberation. It was as if they were invisible to me.1

After two months of indulging myself by doing absolutely nothing productive I decided to write an autobiography focusing on high school. That was, until a few seconds ago. I mean, what kind of masochist would I be if I actually DID write one? It is absolutely ridiculous to try and replay high school life in your head and try to describe them in words. Ergo, I would like to illustrate my life in general and hopefully by writing them down I would be able to find some sort of enlightenment and understand myself better. 2

Let’s start with a happy memory of my excellent adventures with the boy next door. We lived in a two storey twin terrace, so our backyards were practically connected. Once, we tried to talk our parents into building a connecting door between our bedrooms so that we could say ‘good night’ to each other every day. I was 8 and he 7, we were standing in our backyard staring at the huge drain behind our houses. The clear and shallow water flowed slowly and smooth rocks in the drain glistened in the hot afternoon. It was not long before we succumb to our hearts’ desire and went into the drain. We had to scale the 2 meter drop carefully but the rough surface of the jagged rocks and cement allowed us easy access. Our parents scolded us afterwards but they were also surprised to see the small anchovy-like fish we caught in a jar which later we fed to a stray cat. 3

We were inseparable. We played together every single day from the beginning of my memory until I was 11 and he 10. Then we simply drift apart. We never spoke much ever since. Believe me, it still surprises me now. We still live just next door, as a matter of fact we even go to the same high school but the innocence of our friendship is no longer intact. Thank god the memories are still intact though. I cannot comprehend why our friendship had to end. It is perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of my life. Estranged, we are now only memories to each other.4

Life in elementary school was rather vague to me. I was naïve and perfectly contended with everything, if not somewhat spoilt. I had crushes, I love to draw, read fantasy novels (especially Harry Potter) and embarked on fantastic journeys during my horse-riding days (no, I do not ride anymore). Everything was perfect.5

Next, is my debut in high school which is commemorated with the labeling of the nick name ‘Pot’ by a very close friend of mine, Ain. Derived from ‘Potter’ of the famous boy wizard ‘Harry Potter’, I am addressed as ‘Pot’ by my close friends (and also their parents, to my horror) until now. My infatuation with Harry Potter novels compelled me to bring one of the seven books to school daily. I was socially inept and oblivious to the entertainment world unlike other 13 year olds. Ain was horror-stricken when she found out I had never heard of Eminem and several famous rock bands was. She almost choked me when she said, "Keanu?" and I said, "Who?". She revolutionized my recluse self into a more normal personality by lending me her music CD’s and a tour of her poster plastered bedroom.6

I made new friends besides Ain, we were the ‘Agogo’ gang that had a notorious reputation of labeling people (including each other) and laughing like rabid dogs in the hall ways. Naturally Ain was the ring leader. The first two years of high school was the best part of my life to date. Cheerful and invincible to any form of insult (Ain labeled everyone at high school except herself, no one can seem to sum her up into a single word). She was a shooting star that led me out of Harry Potter World in my head into the universe and beyond. It was in these two years that I made friends with the people that are very important in my life (if you are reading this, “Yes, I mean you guys!”).7

Sweet 16 as some call it, 16 is the age in which life taught me its ways. To put it simply, I learnt that the world is not always a happy place and that life could be difficult. This particular year introduced I to my own personal hell and perhaps how little words like ‘pain’ and ‘hate’ are useless to describe what they are supposed to. My belief in ‘Friendship’ was also tested to its limit. I was separated from two of my precious friends as they went to boarding schools. I was placed in a class without the two of my remaining best friends. I was introduced to the horrors of Additional Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry. In the month of March one of my friends attempted suicide for the second time and this tragic incident unleashed a world of ‘pain’. I was frustrated at my failed attempts to reach out to her. I also started to fail my subjects and for the first time in my life, I felt utterly alone and misunderstood. To conclude it, Life was hard.8

Finally, we have arrived to the last year of high school. I was 17 and already felt world weary. I wanted it all to end. The notion of going to school brought an unpleasant sickness in my stomach. If it was not for my dear friend Adila I doubt I would be able to pull through the curtain of despair that cloaked my world. It took me a whole year to learn that one must be able to put limits in relationships and thus I emerge into my 17th year with ‘barriers’. To my surprise, things got better. By the middle of the year I no longer felt the need to cry my miseries into my pillow before I sleep. My urgent need to improve my studies drove me to focus myself as much as I could into school. Horrid things came upon me, from all directions, family, friends and teachers. Angst from the year before carried on to my 17th year but I coped better. Last but not least, the death of my aunt gave me my first experience of lost of a family member and it made me think of how lucky I am to still have my parents. ‘Family’, meant more to me than it had ever before.9

All in all, by the end of high school I learnt a lot of things. Things that matter, and things that REALLY matter that text books cannot teach you, if you know what I mean. By putting these milestones of my life until now into words has helped me to clarify of who I had become now. Now and forever, I hope to learn new things and take on all that LIFE has to offer with more zeal.10