We skated down the dark street,1
our stomachs upon the board.2
It was such fun to muck around,3
and being chased by the police.4
Some of the roads were blocked* off,5
Others were too dark to go down.6
We knew we had to hide,7
The police held guns tonight.8
We ran behind a locked door,9
falling into a bamboo bathroom.10
We smile at the thought of our escape,11
and he kissed me roughly.12
He climbed on top of me and teased my lips,13
I laughed at his goofy smile.14
There were footsteps outside,15
And gunfire started up.16
We ducked for cover below the window,17
Reaching for our own pistols.18
The black woman stood her ground,19
Our bullets seemed to miss.20
I ran to the other window,21
Feeling for the right moment to shoot.22
Aiming for her chest, I shoot three bullets.23
Though only metres away they did not hit.24
The big woman turned her gun towards me,25
and I felt two bullets pierce my back.26
I fell to the ground,27
Men gathering all around me.28
They took me to a house,29
Stairs lead up to the first story.30
They were watching the rest the movie,31
it was like reading the end of the Bible.32
I wouldn't watch. 33
I had to see it all before I watched the end.34
My end.35
Author notes
It's late at night so there isn't much detail. Sorry. I feel the end is pretty weak, if anyone has any suggestions, all are welcome!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Yes, I really liked this. The description and words you used throughout the scene were good. And I dont know what else I liked about it but I liked the entire thing... coz it was cool!
MonicaX -
PRECIOUS!, this is really cool, i love your way of explaining things to there full extent oh precious oh precious! u schinzel my thizel! eeeeeeeeeee......
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wow! i think it's wonderful! very dark and scary though
. great job!
miss ya,
luv paige xxxooo -
That was interesting, I have no idea what the hell it meant, but it was interesting.
-Vasquine. -
Enthralling
This was quite a good write, Annie, the only problem was the end, which was hard to understand, like Travis said in his comment. This story (Which also seems to contain some elements of poetry, at least, that's what the layout seems to be whispering in my ear... bare with me, I'm bored and sleepy) is really quite an interesting piece, I'll have to come back and re-read it when I'm not so tired (It's 1:40 A.M, according to the computer clock). Nice work here, Annie, I promise that I'll check back tomorrow, when I can actually tell the difference between the words "weather" and "whether"! Yeah, I hate cops too... I have a criminal record until I'm 18, cause of the cops... well, actually, because of me...
Love, Nick
* Living Death - A Cold Existence *
Edited on May 28, 9:47 because 'I'm cold and lonely'. -
Thanks Trav!
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Invoking
This was cool! It flowed well, appart from the end, which I didn't get. Maybe just me, hehe. This could be expanded into a story quite nicely. It pulled me in well and I wanted to read to the end, even though I'm using an evil mousepad on this laptop.
~The Enigmartist~ Searching For Infinity... -
Thanks
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This is really really good Annie!! I really like you using this style of writing, it works really well for you!!
That is not meant to insult your other work at all though!!!
Luv
Aimee
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Thankyou very much for your comment
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this was really good...I thought some parts were really intresting...you did a great job on this story though...I liked it very much
keep up the great work
lots of love
~~Tori~~
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Yep, all fixed now though.
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Hey Annie, this is cool!
But I think theres a little error here
Some of the roads were block off,
Others were too dark to go down
Is block meant to be blocked? I thought as such but anyway I loved this! You are my talented friend Anniebear! This read like a novel.
L.S
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...Wicked. I like this style of writing. Go you!!
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I know this feeling, is it because i was in jail for almost doing the same, oh YEAH!! It's all fun untill someone gets caught, hurt, or just fucks with the cops. THEY TAKE EVERYTHING FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEE, MY GODDAMN DECK, that cost like 159 total
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um um um um WOW! this is really kewl. u should hav left the lipgloss part in lol it'd b kinda funny. i do like this tho so i guess i gotta get off muh lazi Azza (ass) and do sum more junk before i leave sooo...ill check out your work again later. blessed be ...shawna
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Thankyou very much! I was beginning to lose hope that someone would comment! This is actually based on a dream I had so it's a bit confusing in parts as dreams for are everyone except the dreamer themselves. There was a part in the dream where if someone was holding this 'special' lipgloss they would die. I thought i'd just leave that out though..
Thanks again!
Edited on May 21, 7:43 because ''. -
Damn Good
This really held me from the start. You could really expand this into a story, excellent work. The ending was especially strong and the Bible reference was supurb. You really have tallent, I will be reading more of your work, keep writing.
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