Rush: Ch. 1

Chapter 11

I found my dad’s gun on the kitchen table. 2

Well, that was before I knew it was my dad's. Needless to say, I was totally freaked out. I had never seen a gun. I didn’t know what it was doing on my kitchen table. 3

So why the heck was it there? I still wish I knew.4

I searched the rest of the apartment me and my dad shared. It didn’t take long, since our apartment is small and compact. He wasn’t there.5

I sat down in his armchair situated in front of the TV and thought. This wasn’t something I did often. The sitting, I mean, not the thinking. You see, I’m what people whose main knowledge source being Youtube would call an urban ninja, even though I’m a girl and only sixteen. 6

After you learn to run on walls and leap rooftops as well as I have, it’s difficult to sit still for a while. But I did. I tried to remember all the things my dad had said or done in the past few days to see if there were any clues about his disappearance.7

One memory came through clear as a bell. Yesterday, we were walking through central park like we always do on Wednesday afternoons, as I’m home schooled. He asked me a really out-of-the-blue question. It stuck in my mind, because we had been talking about shoes or food or something, when he said “Where would you go if you didn’t live here?”8

“I don’t know Frank,” I said, calling by his nickname, short for Franklin, like I always do. “Tokyo?” If what I see on TV about Tokyo is true, then I would have a blast there, just running. 9

“Huh,” he said. “If I could go anywhere, I’d go...” Go? Go where? 10

“Come on Scarlett Scott, where did he say he would go?” I said quietly to myself. I drew a blank. 11

I began making excuses. “I’m just overreacting,” I said aloud in a calm voice that didn’t reflect my feelings. “He probably just bought the gun for self-defense, just in case.” 12

“Yeah, right,” I thought. There is no way my dad would ever even touch a gun. He hated guns. And I say hate for lack of a better word. There is no way that gun belonged to my dad. The only other alternatives were that he had been kidnaped, killed, or some other things that my mind was too scrambled to imagine. 13

On the off chance that I was totally overreacting to this, I decided to stay put for a little longer. I tried watching TV, using our computer, reading a book, but nothing I did could keep my thoughts away from that gun in the kitchen. 14

After about an hour of this I started feeling a little nauseous, so I went into the bathroom. I stood over the sink and looked into the mirror at my reflection. Despite how I was feeling, I didn’t look any different than normal. Half Asian, (I got it from my mother) my dark, wild hair fell around my face, the only thing taming it being a strip of red ribbon tying my hair into a short ponytail, and it wasn’t doing a good job. The rest of my hair fell around my face, but the barrette was enough to keep it out of my face. Jade green eyes from my father, and his soft, rounded face, but my well-muscled body was all me. I was wearing a red shirt with a white, zip-up sweater over it and a pair of worn blue jeans. 15

It’s times like these that make me wish I had a second parent. God made two parents for a reason. But my mom died in childbirth. Luckily, it didn’t bug me too much since I had never met her. My dad was enough parent for me.16

One thing was for sure, I needed to relax. My stomach was rolling and my dad still wasn’t home. It probably wasn’t a smart thing to do, but I decided to go for a run. I could use the fresh air, and the Parkour.17

Parkour was always a hobby of mine. Parkour is technically a martial art, using body movements to overcome obstacles in the quickest and most efficient way possible, as if fleeing or pursuing someone. Not free running. It’s an easy thing to pick up in the city, and I rock at it. I’ve never lost a race, and I never will.18

I left my apartment building and went outside into an alley I used frequently on my runs. I took a deep breath looked at the tall brick wall I was facing. I ran towards it and used my momentum to get a small boost, allowing me to grab a windowsill. Hanging by one hand, I turned and kicked off the wall to grab the bottom of a fire escape above me on the opposite wall. I climbed up the fire escape and began to run up the stairs to the roof of the building. Once on the roof, I broke into a run, jumping over and sliding under all of the structures and ducts that littered it. I even decidedly added a little acrobatic flair, doing a few easy flips as I cleared them.19

Once I reached the edge of the building, I leaped and landed on a lower rooftop, rolling as I landed to reduce impact. The roll is important. This building was long and connected to several other buildings of varying heights. I ran, going up and down as I changed buildings, but I could feel the wind chill my face as my hair whipped around me. 20

This was what I loved. Running. I didn’t have to think about all of the things that were going on in the world, all the violence and pain, all the stress. It was all behind me as I raced past it. 21

I approached another gap that was too big for me to jump over normally. There was a billboard posted on the edge of this building and it jutted out into the gap. I jumped up on the billboard and ran on it. Let me say that again. I ran on the billboard. Once I reached the edge I jumped and landed on the building with another roll. The wall running technique was a tough one and took years to learn.22

I continued to run along the rooftops for about another hour. Every time I ran a part of me wanted to never stop, just keep going and leave the world behind. But I never did. The only real reason I ever came up with was that my dad would get worried. But now my reason was that I needed to make sure he was okay.23

I finally returned home as the sun was setting. The apartment was still eerily empty. I walked into the kitchen to see if that thing was still there. It was. I sighed and stared at it in the doorway. 24

I walked over and slowly picked it up, being very careful to point it away from myself. It was kind of small and was a deep black color with a short barrel. Towards the hammer I saw a slide that indicated that the safety was engaged. On the side of the barrel I saw P22. 25

As I held the gun, I noticed something had been carved into the table with a large kitchen knife. CHICAGO the etching said. 26

That was weird. Why would someone carve ‘chicago’ into my table? Then I heard my dad’s voice in the back of my mind. “If I could go anywhere, I’d go to Chicago.”27

Chicago. My dad was in Chicago.28

“Wait,” I told myself. “Doesn’t that seem a little far-fetched?” I doubt the memory had anything to do with the etching, but then I caught something that convinced me something bad had happened. There was blood on the kitchen floor. 29

I slowly set down the gun and went into my room. I grabbed a red drawstring bag and began to fill it with clothes, money, and other necessities. I also grabbed a credit card, but I hoped I wouldn't have to use it. When I went into the kitchen to grab some food, my eyes drifted toward the handgun.30

I sighed again and picked it up. I placed it in my bag. This gun was here for a reason, and for whatever reason that was it was coming with me. And as much as I hated it, I might need it. There was definite foul play here.31

As I stepped out the door, a single thought popped into my head. “What are you doing?” My voice of reason had a point. This kind of thing was better left to the authorities. But I didn’t call the cops, going against what I knew I should do. They wouldn't find my dad. My instinct told me this was something I would have to handle. My instinct had never been wrong before.32

"Chicago, here I come," I thought as I closed the door behind me.

Author notes

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/591749

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • Dovina silver member
    November 13
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    You have an interesting plot here, having her trying to locate her dad and find out exactly what happened to him.

    I'm not going to say I loved this, because there were quite a few mistakes. Even though this is for NaNoWriMo, I can say that because you have comments dating back before this year's NaNoWriMo even started.

    One thing that bugged me was your use of the word "I". Even though you're writing this in first person POV, try not to use it that much. The constant use of "I did this" or "I did that" is so annoying. Try to think of other ways to word your sentences that don't start with I.

    Anyways, thanks for your entry!

  • Reigning Fire
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    The story wasn't badly written, and overall i think it was good ,but some areas it is a bit dull, and just lacks the interesting air, for example the ending when she figures out her dad is in chicago.


  • wolfcub
    October 4

    Edit | Reply
    It didn't really draw me in at all. The opening paragraphs diodn't have any kind of wow factor, or mystery to draw me in - yes, there was a random gun, but did I feel I wanted to determine why it was there? Not really.
    The description was reasonably good.
    Thanks for entering


  • Benwater
    August 23
    Edit | Reply
    p16 It’s times like these that make me wish I had a second parent. God made two parents for a reason. But my mom died in childbirth. Luckily, it didn’t bug me too much. My dad was enough parent for me.

    It is contradictory. First you say that she wished she had another parent, and then that her dad was enough for her. You might want to change one of them.

    Other than that, great!

  • Benwater
    August 23

    Edit | Reply
    I thought it was very good. An interesting first chapter. It was a little slow, however. The running on the rooftops was really cool, but it seemed unnecessary. And I missed the descriptions of how she felt about going to chicago. Was she scared? Maybe something had happened to her father? Did she have any guesses of what might have happened?

    Anyway, it was a good first chapter! Thanks for the read!


  • xjones101
    August 16
    Edit | Reply
    great


  • hsmlover1
    August 2

    Edit | Reply
    Very discriptive and a great build up story only got to the piont where she is decribing herself infront of the mirror then it got confusing and bit lack in intrest. Well done and good luck


  • Tricia3 gold member
    July 29

    Edit | Reply

    I love the writing style

    And it is a great beginning. I'm very curious as to where it goes from here.
    It is still, just a chapter and this contest is for full stories. It does contain a lot of promised adventure, so good job.
    Trish


  • xjones101
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    very well done loved very descriptive


  • Ariss Rose
    May 19

    Edit | Reply

    like it a lot

    I have to say that most first person storys are really bad because it's hard to know what everyone else in the story is like without hearing some of there thoughts but this one was good. Now I'm hooked on another story.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • simply.nothing
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    I started reading it, and I haven't finished yet. I'll get around to finishing it, I promise. Remember how long it took me to read Spiritheart? =P The grammatical errors are bugging me, but I'll help you sort them out later. If I give you my flash drive, would you save a copy? Some of the wording feels weird, too. This genre of story is more my scene, and I'd loove to help you with input and such (well, if you'd like. you really don't have to.) Let me know! =)


  • Lekos Memory
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    Wow and I mean wow. I love it. Sometimes chapter ones can be a bit slow but yours was interesting after the first sentence. You definitely have my interest in this one. DO you have more?
    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    March 14

    Edit | Reply
    An interesting first chapter. Your narrator has certainly aroused my curiosity and made me want to read more .

    Funny she didn’t see that cubs carved on the table when she first saw the gun? Oh well, all will be revealed if you keep writing .

    I’m only reading through today to get an idea of all the members' novels, their plots and genre. I don’t have time to edit before the list comes down. Time sort of got the best of me this week . Besides, it seems someone else already did a complete job of editing this work.

    Hmmm how do I get that person to start reading mine.

    Geri


  • ElfSong
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Great job! However, as all great stories have in the beginning, you have many errors ^^

    Para 5:

    "me and my dad " should be "my dad and I"

    "apartment is small" you flick into present tense here This should be "apartment was small"

    para 6 is written really awkwardly. Try reading it aloud.

    para 7:

    what skill? *blank look*

    "I tried to remember all the things my dad had said or done in the past few days to see if there were any clues about his disappearance." I can hear it screaming "GIMMEEE COMMASS!!" ^^

    para 8:

    "I’m home schooled." Two things wrong here. Present tense again, and home schooled should be hyphenated. (And it is not generally suggested to have things in brackets...)

    para 9:

    "“I don’t know Frank"" comma after "know"

    "calling by his nickname" I think you know what is wrong here

    "do" - present tenseeee.

    " If what I see on TV about Tokyo is true, then I would have a blast there, just running." This whole sentence is in present tense.

    para 11:

    "“Come on Fiona Scott, where did he say he would go?” I said quietly to myself. I drew a blank. " I didn't understand this at first. It's a bit ambiguous. Perhaps you could say, " But I just couldn't remember where." or something like that.

    para 13:

    "“Yeah, right,” I thought" thoughts don't need talking marks.

    "There is no " present tense.

    "And I say hate for lack of a better word. " This sentence is a bit pointless, and a bit casual. Perhaps you should kill it. ^^ But if not, "hate" should be in inverted commas.

    para 14:

    "off chance that " don't like the phrasing ^^ sorryy

    para 15:

    "After about an hour of this I started feeling a little nauseous" Commaaa pleasey.

    "(I got it from my mother)" interrupts the flow of the sentence.

    16:

    "It’s times like these that make me wish I had a second parent" present tense.

    para 19:

    "I took a deep breath looked at the tall brick wall I was facing." try reading this. you'll see what is wrong ^^

    24:

    " stared at it in the doorway" perhaps "from the doorway" would be better.

    para 31:

    "for whatever reason that was it was coming with me" comma pleasey.

    Overall, I really liked this! You described her movements really well, and I feel like I was there watching her. She is likable, and the way you wrote, it makes us feel like we know her.

    The scene where she was running was great. When you wrote how she feels about running, it really got me thinking.

    As the story progressed, the tension built, climaxing when she sees the engravement. The way you write this is quite engaging!

    Thanks for posting this


    • Arcos
      March 13
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, I am aware of my many, many errors. When I write, I usually don't go back and edit it until I'm done with the whole thing. I prefer to go through the story first, then my mistakes.

      Even so, whenever I eventually go back to edit this, your comment will be my checklist. Thanks a lot!


      • KodyBoye
        May 12
        Edit | Reply
        I didn't read the piece yet (sorry,) but I just wanted to tell you that if you're writing in first person (or dialogue) you don't have to use 'my dad and I.' You can use 'me and my dad' or 'my dad and me' or whatever you want.

        Just saying--not all people are proper with their dialogue.


  • Indistrict Cullen
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    The beginning of this is a little bit confusing. You say the POV character found the gun on the kitchen table, then you go on to say that the character didn't know the father owned a gun - how would they, then, know it was the father's?

    But other than that, I really enjoyed this. It was clear and, unlike most first person stories, did not suck, which was the best part about it

    I like the little things you gave your character as hobbies, etc. - they make her her own unique person, and I learned like 3 new words reading this. Great start, but the ending is slightly cliched - I know of many books that use the "Insert place name, here I come" to end a chapter. Perhaps end with her grabbing her bag, slinging it over her shoulder, and shutting the door to her house closed? It would symbolize that she is closing the door to her old life and heading out into the unknown world o: just a suggestion.

    Keep writing!

    • Arcos
      February 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot for that. I know there are numerous problems with my story, but your suggestions were very helpful, especially with the ending. I mostly write fantasy, so I'm a huge fan of symbolism. I hope you don't mind if I steal that ending .


  • DreamWanderer gold member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Cliche? Potentially but far too early to say. Stories are chess games: it often takes more than 20 moves before you finally see original play. It's only chapter one, let us see how this develops...

    I love a mystery. And there is one here. This is written well enough, I like the anime feel about it. And, at 15 you already write better than most. I'm only left to wonder what you'll be coming up with when you're fully developed.

    That said, I get that jumping to the last page feeling - as if Fiona's dad really isn't missing at all but just late getting home. Also, the "clues" are too cryptic to be credible.

    Cool points: Her "semi-super" abilities will no doubt add action - do I sense a forthcoming foe with likewise talents? Fiona is well painted. By the end of the chapter I was both liking her and sharing her concerns.

    Good work
    Dw


  • Fiddlewilly
    January 16
    Edit | Reply
    One memory came through clear as a bell
    really out-of-the-blue question

    ...Cliché

    several info dumps especially para 16.

    no need for quotation marks within internal dialog

    I like the story line but I think she may be jumping to conclusions given the info she has available to her. maybe include some blood or, an SOS message left that only she would recognize.

    beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    First off, good hook (I'm making comments as I go)

    *Para 5 - Should be "my dad and I"

    I think it should be noted that parkour involves more acrobatics than free-running. If I remember correctly (and I may be way off ) free-running is where you want to keep as much momentum as possible while finding a way around any obstacle without stopping. As of paragraph 7, it looks like you may be confusing the two. I'm not sure though

    Also, it looks like you could possibly put off describing Parkour until later, as it almost takes away from the drama of "where's my dad and why's his gun on the table?" She could reference parkour as her reason for not sitting still easily, but maybe later on when she starts doing parkour in the city you could describe it as she does it (y'know, the old show don't tell think? )

    You may want to consider making it clearer that paragraph 12 is coming out of the memory. When I first read it, I thought it was the girl talking to her dad, and then realized her dad's name wasn't Fiona

    This isn't actually a thing of personal taste, but rather one of someone else's guidance. I was told that in-the-mirror first person descriptions have kind of died out, as in, publishers will avoid it. It was on the writing board here. You may want to do a little searching for more info on this.

    Here, paragraph 19, this is your opportunity to start detailing Parkour/Free-Running/the difference between the two.

    This is a very good beginning. You've given your main protagonist good, strong character, and the conflict is already beginning to unfold. These are the only things I really found that needed pointing out, aside from a few small errors that will probably be picked up in editing anyway. I predict that we'll see a lot of running from Fiona Scott, and hopefully some reminiscing of her father as well? I mean, you need to make the reader care about the person she's going to save

    Also, one more note while I'm thinking about it. Did you mention where she lives? It would be helpful to have some idea of how far she has to go to get to her father.

    I hope you find this comment helpful, even if just a little bit


  • Gossamer Guile
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    I really like where this story is headed. And I'm glad that you chose to call the main character "Fiona" rather than "Amelia." It just sounds tougher. The only thing that I noticed needed tweaking was this sentence, " The rest of my hair fell around my face, but the barrette was enough to keep it out of my face." It's just a little repetitive. I promise to read the other story soon. I'll scoop out a little time while I'm at college. You're such a great writer. Keep it up!!!!!

  • Vampwolf
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    I like the over all feeling and pacing of the story. Some issues though. At the begining of the story you state that the gun on the table is the Father's gun. How did the young lady know this? Then she back tracks and says it's not because he hates guns. I realize the she's trying to reason why the gun is there, however it maybe more efective if you stated that she found the gun and her mind lept to different conclusions at to the reason for it's apperance. Also I'm not sure how your main character missed the carving in the table. You state that it is carved in the table by the gun. Did she just look at the gun from accross the room and then look closer later?

    Next question... is your main character a super human? Her running skills on the roof tops seem extrodinary. I'm just curious. If she is I'm sure you will reveal this through out the story.
    Other wise great read and I hope you will continue to write it.

    • Arcos
      January 9
      Edit | Reply
      I knew that I stated that it was her father's, then I said it wasn't, but I thought that most people, like you, would reason and see that she was trying to create an explanation. I guess that wasn't enough.

      And no, she's not superhuman. Sorry to spoil anything for you. Parkour is a true art that originated in France and the moves and abilities described are possible. Just with a ton of training.

      Thanks a ton. I'm almost done with another novel, so I'm not sure how often I can write this. I'll try to keep going.

  • funkychica
    January 9
    Edit | Reply
    I'm really curious to see/read whats going to happen next. Thank you for sharing!!!

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