I was a lot of things in my life... Mayor of my town, served two years... unfortunately, 1 and a half of them were for embezzling town funds. I was commander and chief of the local Taco Bell... I made the hard calls... hot or mild... cheese with that... extra lard... when I called out orders, people jumped. Yep, I also had a promising career twisting the little cotton tops on Q-tips before they got a bunch of Chinese orphans to do it for 10 cents an hour less.... sigh... 1
I had my share of lovers too. Gretta Pocmark stands out. What a woman... could crush pork ‘n bean cans between her thighs... with or without the beans. Damn I loved her. Licking that fatty meat and faux barbecue legumes from her knees use to drive her crazy. Didn’t work out though, she left me for this orphan foreman at the Q-tip plant. Damn those soft tip swabs anyway... they cursed me to my grave. 2
That’s my grave over there... underneath some concrete holding up the grandstand. Never did figure out why those guys mistook me for Jimmy Hoffa. I don’t think I even looked like him, but all the way they was screaming at me and calling me Jimmy, so I guess they thought they had it right. That’s kind of cool though. Could have died a nobody.3
Author notes
Is there humor after death? No... however, I would have accepted grim realisation or morbid misguidance as alternatives.
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Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Here I was expecting a grand roll of deeds left done, well come to think of it you did have a pretty charmed life....lol. That pork n bean adventure sounds pretty nifty! It was a pleasure to stroll through this one darth, as it is with all your humor writes. Thanx for sharing and take care.
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Yep, you got it right except the glass of whiskey is drained and the ice evaporated days ago. Thanks.
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Juliana hi, Uh, What inspired me... well, odd story actually. I was watching the news the other night and my mind got bored and left me to get a few beers. Well, I waited up nearly the entire night for it and finally went out searching and found it in a pool of urine in the gutter. It does this all the time. In the meanwhile, my subconscious was back home and this movie came on lifetime about Jimmy Hoffa, but it wasn't very good so it kept switching channels with this other show about a funeral parlor. Like tacos and ice-cream, the two ideas came together and my subconscious wrote the entire thing backwards in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. Ok, so I come home with my mind and try to sober it up, you know, slap it around and call it bad names, but it was out for the count. Well, nature calls, but I don’t have caller ID so my body thinks it needs its probably just my Aunt Eloise and decides not to pick it up... bad move. In short, after coaxing my mind back to reason and buying my subconscious that blow up doll its always wanted, I discovered that my body had ruined my pants while I was out of my mind. So here I am, rinsing pants in the sink, when I sees this message on my mirror. Its backwards, but then so was my reflection... that got me to thinking. Maybe I should read it. I decided NO. I left and two weeks later, the message was so smeared on the mirror that I couldn't read it and I was forced to write this story instead. My subconscious tells me the other one was better, but hell, it thinks I should marry my sister. Stupid subconscious, my sister is already married. Hope that clears things up.
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Oh Master Ohbi Bohb, Thanks mucho. Its been a while since I did a story. I have a coal fired typewriter and my licence to shamelessly pollute had been revoked. Fortunately, I slipped a few bucks to the right inspector and I am belching black acrid smoke once again!
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LOL! You've tied the punch line in very well in this piece -- with true wit and humor.
Very 'off the wall' -- but we've come to expect no less.
Hey....it made me laugh. -
he he, yep Gal. I originally wanted to be processed and canned. When people came to the funeral, there would be a huge display of cans with my picture on each one "100% Pure Darth, Not A Speck Of Cerial!" Each person attending would get a can to take home. Those lucky enough to find a finger or toe in a can could take them to Wendy's and exchange it for a free chili!
Edited on May 20, 6:54 p.m. because '08qjtm kljf'. -
lol...This is great...Keep it up...Very funny...
...~~Licks~~...~~Nutty
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Cool, I llike it, it is a different genre, a breath of air. Love it, what inspired you?
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yer!!! i like your style.. Really great lines embedded in here.. The best simply HAS to be the opening!!!
Comic genious!
xxx
Scarlet -
My arse just fell off
The narrator of this had a glass of whisky to hand and probably a matchstick in his mouth didn't he?
"could crush pork ‘n bean cans between her thighs... with or without the beans".
One of the most descriptive, well written and just gosh-darned (another phrase I've never used before, they all come out on AP) funny lines I've read today. Or this week. Or for a long time. Cheers -
Humorous to say the least.
darth, this is friggin hilarious. I get the funniest visuals of "Gretta Pocmark" and her pork n' bean can crushing thighs. The commander and chief of the local Taco Bell is such a distinguished title. You must be proud. Glad you didn't die a nobody. -
haha! i like this piece, it made me laugh. I liked your last lines "That’s kind of cool though. Could have died a nobody."
Good Work!
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