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...At that moment I noticed two scraggly looking Mexican minstrels across the street. They were pointing at Bianca and strapping their guitars over their shoulders. She saw them too and sort of hid her face in her hand and looked away from them. But they were hurrying toward us, prompting Emilio to stand up and step close to the iron railing in a protective, menacing move. He towered between them and Pancho, glaring at them as though they were assassins on the approach.2
However, the musicians ignored Pancho and were undaunted by Emilio. They stopped in front of Bianca instead and grinned at her as they began playing an old B.B. King blues song, "If You Love Me." She tried to ignore them for a moment but they began to plead with her as they played their guitars. Then she laughed and started snapping her fingers to the slow beat. Out of nowhere, Snake whipped his harmonica into his hand and joined in on the tune as if he had played it all his life. She grinned at him and began to sing...3
"If you love me... you will give your heart... why should we be apart... if you love me..."4
A young American boy scurried over with a drum, set it down, pulled out his brushes, and quickly laid down the beat to the soft bluesy ballad. Bianca locked her eyes onto Amy's eyes and sang...5
"If you love me... Baby, you will know the truth... I wasn't born to lose, no, no... and I love you..."6
Tourists and locals alike stopped in their tracks to listen. One of them pulled out a tambourine and joined in as Bianca lifted her voice for the entire street to hear...7
"If I love you... I will find the key... if it's meant to be... because I love you..."8
Suddenly it was one of those wonderful moments when the magic that is Old Mexico reached out and touched everyone present. The music filled everyone's heart as Bianca's soulful voice made love to the song. All up and down Olas Altas Street, time stood still and all the people froze in spellbound silence. When the song ended, no one moved or made a sound. They all seemed stunned by what they had just experienced. I just stared at Bianca through watery eyes, then at Amy. Tears were running down her cheeks too.9
"That was beautiful," Amy said in a choked whisper and put her hand on Bianca's hand on top of the table. Bianca smiled softly at her.10
"You are just full of surprises," Doctor Lupe said to Bianca. Pancho was staring at her, an uneaten bite of strudel still on the fork in his hand. Snake looked off into the distance, as if trying to remember what would have been. And Olas Altas Street became animated with people going on their way again.11
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Author notes
a scene out of a story I wrote
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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You could really feel the ambiance of your piece as though you were there, really beautiful, a couple of suggestions though
That was beautiful," Amy said in a choked whisper and put her hand on Bianca's hand on top of the table. Bianca smiled softly at her.
maybe if you put
That was beautiful," Amy said in a choked whisper and put her hand on Bianca's laid on the table top. Bianca smiled softly at her.
and
Bianca locked her eyes onto Amy's eyes and sang...
maybe
Bianca locked her gaze onto Amy's eyes and sang...
just a thought, but a wonderful write and pleasing read
take care
sanity
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I understand this completely; one of those once in a life time moments that makes us pause, makes us thankful just to have been there in that moment. I understand the urge to write it out, capture it in some tangible way. Thank you for sharing it with us. It was special indeed.
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I like this Trav.. your lil' trips into Mexico always make me smile and give so much flavour and wonderment at looking through your eyes to see this place..
I enjoyed this sojourn into a melodic evening of delight..
Nicely done hun
Now play some more Mr King please.. and I'll sit here and tap my feet and wiggle my hips
~GILL~xxxx
Edited on Jul 05, 3:53 because ''. -
The experience of reading this was like the experience of meeting with a bunch of friendly strangers, with maybe one friend as a link between them and me. My way would be to observe, to watch the interactions, to figure out the links and the relationships...maybe I've heard the names, before, of some of them, and I start to piece things together, to put the faces to the names, to attach the stories I've heard.
That's what I did here, as each character appeared. The lack of formal introduction gave a sense of realism to the scene. I was leaning on the wall nearby, soaking it up, figuring out the backstories. Some of them, of course, I knew, because I've leaned on other walls, listening.
Yeah, the "you" could go. You could dump the whole "you" sentence, actually, because you've conveyed that joy-in-the-spirit without needing to spell it out.
I think you told the story brilliantly. I will continue to listen.
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a very good observation, Dee, about using "you." I'm not sure why I did that. at any rate, you are right ~ it needs to be changed.
on the color of text and background, do you think if the font was a point larger it would be easier to read? I used the bavkground color to match the colors in the photo on the left border.
Edited on Jul 03, 5:48 p.m. because 'typos'. -
I liked this slice of life. The reluctance of the singer extends the beginning in a natural way until she snaps her fingers to the beat. It builds as she sings. While incidental things happen, as they would in real life, people joining in, doing thei jobs and their activities while she sang, the lyrics tie the thing together until what, for me was the best part. "Suddenly it was one of those wonderful moments when the magic - - - reached out and touched everyone present." Beautifully effective because of the anticipation of its lead-up, her singing, the "spellbound silence" held its collective breath . . .Yes! I paused there to savour the experience and --hey! Where did "YOU" enter the picture? This is the first mention of this individual, Not I, for sure, but "when it ended "YOU were thankful---" I was? "YOU had been there to experience it..." Actually I was sitting at my computer. Switching like that from first person narrative broke the spell for me, faintly annoyed .because I had been imagining the rapt looks on faces as "it left a profoundly joyful mark on" not your but THEIR spirit.
This is a personal response to that section of the story. From the remarks no one else saw it that way so chalk it up to preference. However unless it has been a recurring device from the story, a 'deus ex machina' to get the emotions across, in my opinion it would be better left to the existing characters.
Sorry for a jarring note. but honest. The scene and the singer had been at a real high and carried me there with them. Why couldn't the audience in cheers and spontaneous applause have burst the silent bubble wthout help from "YOU" ?
Oh well. Go ahead, shoot the messenger.
As for the colour off text on background, although white would have been better, (Check the contrast with the white comment box and other boxes at the end.) it was pretty close to the limit of what is tolerable for my damaged eyes, if early enough in the day..I hope that such obstacles may grow fewer.
With thanks for your help, Rollingstone. --Dee
Edited on Jul 03, 5:11 p.m. because 'typo'. -
poe-ette-ess, no need to apologize. all your points are valid. this was a snippet scene taken out of a longer piece. and here is what you missed - it was an entry into a snippet contest. the contest rules were: "Alrighty all, for this contest I would like you to write me a scene as though you've just taken it out of a story and pasted it here for me to read. It doesn't need to be an introduction, it could just be any scene you can imagine. I don't need an intro to the characters or the setting or anything, I just want to be swept away by what's happening - I want to know the characters without an introduction - I want emotion, action, whatever you feel like writing. Just go for it."
anyone would be confused or uncertain what was going on in this snippet, but I was simply following the rules of the contest (which can have read if you want to click onto it at the beginning of this snippet. however, that is asking perhaps too much for people to do) and while I agree that you have the right to be confused or not understand what it happening, my whole point in replying to you was because you said "this scene is unrealistic" and it sounded like something in American Idol. I diagree with you. it was not unrealistic (perhaps it was surrealistic) - it was a real scene that really happened.
and yes, I agree I could improve it. jeff suggested that and so did michele. but their reasons why it needs improvement are not based on it is an unrealistic scene. they are based on sentence structure and grammatics and prose style. I have no problem with that. the whole longer piece needs to be worked on and improved. I just wanted to defend the fact that it is not an unrealistic scene (because it really happened) and that it was short and left out essential details because that is what the contest called for.
anyway, I truly do appreciate the time you've taken to discuss and debate this with me. and you should not feel apologetic. I just love to argue, that's all. LOL
thanks again for your interest.
~travis
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I think you have captured a heart warming impromptu scene that sticks out in one's memory when humanity is capable of surprising all with such acts of solidarity.
I thought the opening excerpt gave a sense of urgency and anticipation. I could easily see the musicians recognising the singer and wanting the honour to play with her and hear her sing.
The only thing I'd ask about is in the line, 'I had never heard a voice like that.' I wondered if it would give a more warm feeling if it was, 'I had never heard a voice like hers.' Adding to the love and awe? However, just my opinion.
I like the use of italics for the lyrics and I think, for me, the best part was, 'Pancho was staring at her, an uneaten bite of strudel still on the fork in his hand. Snake looked off into the distance, as if trying to remember what would have been...' that to me conveys so much.
Most enjoyable write.
Jani
Edited on Jul 03, 3:44 p.m. because ''. -
The writing is good; my only suggestion is to maybe vary your sentence structure a little more. You have a lot of SV and SVO going on...other than that, very good work. Best wishes in all that you do! Take care!
your cerulean dreamer,
michele -
Wow, this was really easy to read. It flowed with a melody like the one you have written about. I'm not sure if that made sense. I have never been to Mexico, so sadly I do not know of the magic of Old Mexico, but I feel I've lived vicariously through the moment. Is there more to this, or did you simply write this piece for the contest? If there is more I would like to read it. How I wish I could write like this!
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thanks, jeff. I appreciate the compliment and the applause.
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I dont think that seeing "scraggly" looking people carrying musical instruments makes that many people feel like malicious acts are about to be performed. but perhaps I'm wrong.
Bianca hiding her face from them meant she knew what they were heading over to ask, and she didn't want to sing. I disagree when you say it is "obvious" that she was frightened at these gents. have you ever seen someone approaching you tha you didn't want to have a conversation with and sort of hid your face hoping they wouldn't really see you?
you are right, however, about Emilio. he is a bodyguard, and his job is to notice anyone coming close to his boss and to react in a protective and menacing manner.
and while I can see where the actions in the first paragraph would lead you to the wrong conclusions about what was happening, don't you think that is part of story-telling? I guess I fail to see where if you think one thing and it turns out to be something else that makes a scene unrealistic.
on the other hand, perhaps I'm just being defensive because I think my version of what is going on is better than your version. but I appreciate your comments about it.
~travis
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i enjoyed this. i could nitpick on the prose style, but when it comes down to it, prose writers either possess that something that makes the reader not be able to put it down, or they don't. you appear to be the former.
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Its nice. IT flows ands has a nice tone.
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It's just the language in the first paragraph that makes me think that something negative is going to happen.
Examples:
"I noticed two scraggly looking Mexican minstrels across the street."
*** there's a tendency to believe that scraggly looking fellows are able to perform malicious acts. This takes me back to my children's literature class. The good always looks beautiful; Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White. And the bad always looks ugly; ugly step sisters, wicked witch, and the big bad wolf. Therefore, when you wrote that the minstrels looked scraggly, I automatically assumed that danger was imminent.
"She saw them too and sort of hid her face in her hand and looked away from them."
*** This continues my belief that there might be something wrong with the minstrels. The character is obviously frigtened of these gents and wants to flee as quickly as possible.
"But they were hurrying toward us, prompting Emilio to stand up and step close to the iron railing in a protective, menacing move."
*** Why does Emilioi stand up to be protective if there is no need to protect? Obviously he thought something was up as they hurried over to them.
"glaring at them as though they were assassins on the approach."
Emilio was obviously very scared of what they were going to do. Assasin's are not people to mess around with.
It's the language you used in the first paragraph that makes the scene seem unrealistic. Perhaps you use it for irony. It just led me to a state of confusion.
Wonderful imagery though. -
I loved this the first time I read it, and I still do.
Probably feels a bit more real to me since I just spent some time in Mexico.
And hey...this could be a very good book! LOL I'd love to read it when its finished.
Hugs my friend...
Mary ann -
thanks, Maddie. yes, that's Bianca sitting on the rocks at Conchas China Beach...a very beautiful place, a very beautiful person.
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A good story will pick you up and place you into the middle of the scene effortlessly. This one does. It's real, it's warm, and it's beautifully written. Could picture it so realistically. Especially with the picture at the side. LOL is that Bianca? Funny how some scenes, memories..or just plain thoughts, never leave one's mind.
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thanks for the comment, poe-ette-ess. let me address what you said. first of all, it was not at night. It was a busy afternoon on Olas Altas street in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. that is a very funky place, like Bourbon Street or Royal in New Orleans French Quarter, or Sunset Strip in Hollywood, or a street on South Beach, Miami. and although it may sound unrealistic, it really happened. people stop and play music all the time up and down Olas Altas, "ill looking" people and others. and it was a very magical moment. and it was long before American Idol was ever on TV (not sure how it compares to American dol) but I can understand how it would strike you as unrealistic. it did seem very surreal. that's why I wrote about it.
as far as thinking it was going to have some "action' in it, I think it had an intense amount of action in it. nevertheless, it's the difference of opinion that makes life interesting.
again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
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7/10
I want to say first of all it's a great write; full of wonderful imagery. Second, it sounds like a miramax film screenplay. It just sounds too perfect. To have a bunch of ill looking people just start playing music sounds a little unrealistic. Perhaps I'm just not familiar with the going ons late at night. At first I thought this story was going to have some action, not a scene from American Idol.
Just a few thoughts. -
I appreciate the atmosphere of (melancholic) joy that you cast around your words. Write more like this one ... write more stories, a novel maybe? Thank you.
Take care,
Maria -
You painted the scene with sharp detail and gentle eye. The tenderness with which it is handled is palpable and transfered to the reader with purity intact. really good writing here.
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thanks mary ann. actually I took this snippet from my journal, was working on a long story version, and need to get serious about it again. this was one of those really magical moments that take place in puerto vallarta, mexico from time to time.
as a side note, the "amy" in the snippet happens to be MisInclined. -
This sounds excactly like something that could happen on a street in Mexico.. I doubt seriously there are many places in the U.S that would fit this senario.
I was at a blues festival here in Phoenix once. And being a people watcher, I was doing just that. I saw an old guy..with a beat up guitar case..tape strapped around it to keep it from falling apart. It took everything I had to not follow him and ask him to play for me. I KNOW in my heart he could have played rings around those on stage who pretended to know what the blues were. Even to this day I wish I had at least followed him long enough to just say hello and wish him a good day. He made a huge impression just by walking by me.
Whoa..sorry...wandering there... LOL I loved your story snippet. (cute word LOL ) Is the entire thing online...or perhaps a work in progress towards publication?
VEry visual..and even lyrical, in my mind anyway.. Enjoyed greatly.
Hugs..
Mary Ann -
Man
I wish I could do a snippet like this hun
I felt as if there walking down the street
Uh is this a real place btw??????
Excellent imagery, enjoyed this one muchly
Good luck in the contest
To me its a winner
Luv ya
Come see me too lol....
Susan~~~~~
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Drew me right into the moment and made me feel as if i was also standing on that street listening to the tune...and i could almost hear it...AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SONG!...and that is saying something... must have been a truly magical moment.
UB
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This brings a smile to my face, and really makes me want to go to Mexico >.< It's so cool how it all comes together just like that. I'd like to see the whole thing now! ...And I'll be checking our your other stories that are online too...
Awesome write!
jannin -
this is so beautiful, i want to read the whole story.
This reminds me of white oleander because it has that same surounded-by-warm-bathwater feel to it. It pulled me in.
I think I like this best out of everything of yours that I've read so far. Of course I've only read a very small percentage of your work, but still.
-Dawn
Edited on Oct 01, 8:00 p.m. because ''. -
I just love how you dragged us into this scene~~ even without knowing anything of the characters, it was a beautiful and richly vivid scene indeed
My favorite thing about this was how you weaved the song lyrics into it~~ so I can hear it and not just know it was being sung {I love that song by the way}
This was just wonderful, and for a contest?? Well I think its in the bag, if you ask me
~~Dawn
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*applause*
Excellent description. Very well done. But then again, so is everything else of yours that I've seen. I love it. -
What a stunning snippet and a heart-warming scene. If this is a slice out of your real life, I wish I could have experienced it too ~ although I almost feel that I did through reading your piece. You have an awesome way with words, Mr. Stone!.
I think now I will download that old blues song and listen to it....
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This was great. I want to read more stories by you. I do adore them. Hard to find good storytellers these days, but you, sir, have the skills. I was really drawn in here, it seems so vivid and real. Ironically I was listening to a song that seems to fit this snippet, even if it is sung in German.lol Good stuff from you as always.
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I could see it all. And it WAS beautiful.
)
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Trav, can I come visit?? PLEASEEEEEEEEE.. I want to walk down Olas Atlas street and do some people watchin'...
It's my favourite hobby.. 
Just loved this snippet of life from your wonderful pen.. well done hun and good luck with the contest
~GILL~xxx -
A moment that unfolds infront of us. As if we were there..just watching. This really was a snippet. An unforgetable one. Lifts you from your computer, transports you to Olas Altas Street. And you find you were glad to be there. Very touching snippet of this story. Perhaps you'll post the rest of it? No? Much enjoyed.
Maddie -
That was a wonderful snipet. Really drew me in. Was the story based on fact, or simply made up?
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Well, this certainly put a smile on my face as I read, I could see the whole thing, clear as a bell. Much enjoyed. Good luck with the contest.
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