Journal Part 1

Sunday October 12th 2008 7:36 PM1

Today is Oct 12th, my 25th birthday was Oct 6th and I’m 1/4th of a century old now and I feel “old” because even though I’ve been old enough to drink for the 4 years now, somehow I’m still hanging out with someone that only just became old enough to smoke 3 days ago. 2

For about as long as I can remember, it’s always been a hell of a lot easier to interact with people just a little bit younger than me than to try to interact with anyone that’s even just a little older than me, so right now I’ve got this girl who has only just turned 18 a couple of days ago considers me her friend, and she’s prolly freaking out about the fact that she hasn’t seen me in 2 weeks, even though I’m 7 years and a couple of days older than her.3

The fact that I’m 3 days past being exactly 7 years older than this girl doesn’t bother me, the 7 year age gap between me and her doesn’t really mean anything to me, partially because I’m not dating her, and partially the guy that is actually dating her is 16 years older than her. I don’t have a problem with this girl having sex with a guy that’s almost double her age because she sees the exact same people every single day and these people don’t have a problem with it. I’m gonna let her date who ever she wants because she’s in Texas so she’s been old enough to legally have sex for the last year (Texas age of sexual consent is 17, not 18) and also because she’s a sexual person, where she’s having sex because she’s getting horny, as opposed to those altruistic women that have no sex drive at all and just have sex to make the horny people happy. 4

So, my philosophical question for the moment, should I feel any weirdness about my female friend being an entire 7 years younger than me? Should I have a problem with this young girl being a “kitten” and dating a guy that’s almost double her age? Is the 7 year age-gap between me and her significant enough that I should feel guilty about the fact that I sometimes used to fantasize about fucking her? Should I feel “old” just cuz I’m sometimes “the oldest guy in the room”?5

I would say no, I think that if I feel guilty at all about wanting to fuck this specific girl that it should be because she doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’m a male and I’m under 30, so I’m horny 24/7, so I should just go out and actually have sex with someone else instead of spending time fantasizing about the one girl that will never sexually touch me, although she does occasionally slap me when I piss her off. She’s not really any where close to being a “ghettoville gangster girl”, but she does occasionally beat up guys, including her boyfriend, which I think is pretty funny.6

I occasionally think about the phrase “the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest” and sometimes I think that I really just “want what I can’t have” just simply because I can’t have it. If this girl ever actually wanted me, it wouldn’t feel right for me, I’d never be able to actually sleep with her. In fact, I just realized that I honestly haven’t even thought about fucking her at all in a couple of weeks.7

When I am sexually fantasizing about this young female and the older one that won’t ever touch me, I think that I prolly should just go out and just fuck the people that actually want me, but these women that actually want me are all totally fucking crazy. Sometimes jacking off actually feels a lot better than actually having sex because having sex with another person is always so fucking difficult, not making a female orgasm, I could do that in my sleep, what I mean that having sex with crazy people is really fucking weird because they’re so crazy, and most of the time, the only people that end up having sex with me are completely out of their minds.8

It sometimes gets so completely, totally frustrating having sex with people that are totally insane, that sometimes I actually find myself sort of, kind of thinking about buying one of those “realistic” “life like” sex dolls with their new metal skeletons. I don’t really think that I could ever actually fuck one of these though, because now they’re purposefully made to feel so incredibly “realistic” that without any kind of movement it would totally feel like I’m fucking a god-damn corpse. I think that these newer, more “life like” sex dolls are prolly made for necrophiliacs and men with “sleeping beauty syndrome” and I’ve always been way too sexually submissive for that kind of thing. When I engage in any kind of sex act, I always make the other person orgasm, so no matter how desperate I get, I could never fuck a corpse, cuz it would feel like I’m fucking an inanimate object and I could never fuck a sleeping woman cuz it would feel like I’m committing rape, and even fucking the crazy people is starting to make me feel guilty because they’re all a little crazy and it’s starting to get a little hard to distinguish between when it’s acceptable to have sex with a slightly mental person, and when it crosses the line into “psychologically abusing the mentally handicapped”, especially cuz I’m thinking about sex 24/7. 9

My super strong sex drive is totally driving me crazy. I know that the intensity of my sex drive is completely normal for a male that’s my age, this is why the older nymphos usually turn into “cougars”, but I just don’t know how to purposefully be smooth, suave, or seductive. The hornier that I get the less sexy I am. When I’m actually wanting to have sex, I can’t get laid to save my life, but when I’m sitting down with someone having a totally non-sexual conversation, then the crazy women think I’m the sexiest thing alive, which is really great, except the being crazy part, and we’ve come right back to square 1. 10

Monday October 13 10:30 PM11

I just realized that haven’t had a shower in an entire 3 weeks, and honestly it isn’t really bothering me as much as I would have thought. I haven’t been allowed inside the Bridge for about 3 weeks, and I’ve been at my mother’s place since the 1st, but the inside of her bathtub is covered in cat blood. I decided that I’m gonna clean it out soon, prolly in the morning. Haven’t had sex in 2 weeks and this is bothering me a hell of a lot more than the fact that I haven’t bathed in 3 weeks. I know that to a female, it looks like my priorities are pretty fucked up here, my non-symmetrical wrist-veins are obscured with dirt and I know that I smell really bad when my body is wet from sweat, and I actually feel dirty, but the intensity of my sex drive fucks up my ability to think straight. The body smell from non-bathing isn’t there if my skin is dry, and I could have gotten laid today, except that the girl that wanted me had a boyfriend and I don’t want to sleep with women that have boyfriends anymore, it feels morally wrong. It felt wrong when I was doing it, but now this sense of morality is actually stopping me from sleeping with married women. It’s really fucking frustrating, but it’s really the right thing to do, I think. 12

Even when I do actually have sex I’m usually the submissive, so I don’t get to orgasm during sex most of the time anyway, so should I even be having any sex at all? If I’m gonna make someone orgasm, and then they just completely refuse to return the favor, then, is this something I should be doing? Should my altruism be extending into the bedroom? Prolly not, I always tell people that “if only one person reaches orgasm, then the other person is getting raped” and now I think that maybe I should apply this to my own sex life. It’s hard, though; I don’t know how to be the dominant during sex, and the fantastic smells, and tastes, of horny people, and the intense sense of accomplishment when someone else cums, those sensations are intoxicating, exhilarating, mesmerizing, even when I don’t get to pull my dick out of my pants, and I’m still addicted to sex even though I don’t usually cum. Am I insane? Am I just letting myself get abused? I know that I should insist on my own orgasm during sex, but I just don’t know how, and the only people willing to make me cum are totally completely crazy. 13

I recently ended up spent a couple of months listening to lots people telling me to break up with the totally creepy girl that I continued to date only just because she was making me cum. It got really bad, really fast, she was even freaking me out pretty bad and I already wanted to break up with her from day 1, but I just kept dating her because she was making me cum. The last time I saw this girl was just a month ago and even now she still expects me to go back to her, even though I kept telling her it’s over, she’s delusional, thinking that I would go back to her after dating and breaking up with lots of other people. 14

There were a lot of girls like that, crazy to the point that I would never have dated them except that they were willing to make me cum, the most recent one wanted to be my pimp. I didn’t really want to prostitute myself at that point; it was weird enough without a pimp, and there’s just no way in hell I’m going to have a pimp, I might occasionally be a hooker without a pimp, but the whole concept of me having a pimp is just too much for me, I know I couldn’t deal with a pimp, and I don’t think any hooker should ever have to. 15

I’m really sleepy now, which I only feel it’s necessary to mention here because I’m noticeably more sleepy than normal. I’ve pretty much just been asleep since the 1st and decided that I’m gonna return to drinking morning-wake-up coffee tomorrow. 16

3:56 AM Sunday October 19, 200817

I’ve had a lot to write about since my last entry. Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Thursday night I groped the tits of a girl while her boyfriend fucked her. Thursday afternoon I signed a master/slave contract that I pulled off a website, I’m the slave and this girl is my new master. Since this girl is already a slave, her master, the guy she’s fucking, also controls me. This girl, Cheyenne, she’s the second female to steel my phone. (The first girl to steel my phone won’t ever have any kind of sex with me because she’s completely lesbian) I got my phone replaced after the lesbian stole it, after Cheyenne stole it, and before them, Stacy’s ex-boyfriend got arrested with my phone, so I had to replace my phone 3 times since I became homeless. Cheyenne says her ex; Chad still has my phone from when the 2 of them were in Fort Worth, Cheyenne came back, Chad didn’t, but I still don’t trust Cheyenne at all, I just like groping her tits. Am I evil for that? Is it wrong to have sex with someone that you can’t trust? Friday night I spent all afternoon with and then slept next to Marissa an her guy Smitty even though they’re not interested in doing any kind of 3-some with me like Cheyenne and her guy are doing. At first I just followed Marissa and Smitty to eat the Soup Man giving out lunch down next to Sister Karen’s, I’ve slept at Sister Karen’s before but I’ve never eaten the Soup Man’s lunch there before (cuz Sister Karen’s is in ghettoville, and I don’t wanna go down there by myself) and I ended up sleeping next to the 2 of them because they don’t want me hanging out with Cheyenne and her guy, and Marissa and Smitty don’t know about the master/slave contract that I signed Thursday afternoon. 18

In addition to Cheyenne being my master, I also had Ashley sign it as my master. (Actually Ashley signed it first, cuz me and Ashley printed it out while Cheyenne wasn’t there) Cheyenne doesn’t want Ashley being my master anymore because Ashley just broke up with her guy that’s in Mesquite to date JD just a few hours after Li-Li broke up with JD. I really don’t like having to keep track of who is dating who, (with the jumpers it gets confusing, hard to keep up with it) but who dates who affects me, especially this cuz Cheyenne is pissed off at Ashley for breaking up with her guy in Mesquite, even though he’s not part of the group and Cheyenne has never even met the guy. 19

Also, according to Cheyenne, Ashley was flirting with Cheyenne’s guy during those few hours immediately preceding Ashley having sex with JD the first time, which was Thursday night, and she thinks this flirting will continue even though Ashley is having sex with JD. Cheyenne and her guy want to do threesomes with me, but apparently they don’t want Ashley. (They want to do threesomes but they don’t want a foursome?) Cheyenne and Ashley will end up arguing over my money when I get paid, even though Ashley has her own disability check and Cheyenne’s guy will prolly get food stamps in a couple days. (Cheyenne can’t get food stamps because she doesn’t have any ID right now) Ashley will prolly object to Cheyenne spending any of my money at all, which will create them having an argument, Cheyenne’s prolly expecting me to pay for her and her guy to go to a hotel, even though Cheyenne and her guy have no way to pay me back, cuz neither of them have jobs. Ashley wanted to spend Halloween with me, with the 2 of us getting dolled up in elaborate costumes.20

Marissa and Smitty emphatically made it clear want me to avoid Cheyenne specifically but I know that they also want me to stay away from the rest of the group. I can’t do that, I’m with the same fucking people every fucking day, and I can’t just ditch them, it’s just not going to happen. 21

I don’t even know if Cheyenne and Ashley will be on speaking terms with each other when I get back, it’s past 3 AM Sunday morning and I haven’t seen either of them since Friday before noon.22

Saturday morning I had a total stranger giving me a footjob with a woman that’s in the master/slave lifestyle sitting there watching us on the train. The woman with her foot on my dick (Tray) was so naïve about sexual things, that me and the other woman (Miss D) decided to “teach” her about “the lifestyle” of fetishistic sex, which will prolly include taking Tray to “the Sanctuary” I’m exited about finally being able to get on “the list” of people that can get into “the Sanctuary” 23

Miss D decided to put the incident on the train online and she said that she’ll e-mail me a link to where ever she puts it so I can e-mail the link to all of my on-line friends and I’ll prolly even e-mail it to everyone that knows me face-2-face as well cuz the people that see me face-2-face know about my foot fetish, as soon as they read the story, they’ll know the male in the story is me.24

Still haven’t cleaned the cat blood out of the bathtub and now the dishes in the sink have mold on them cuz Mom hasn’t done any kind of cleaning since I left Tuesday morning. (I’m typing this journal on my mother’s computer right now.)25

9:30 AM26

My phone alarm woke me up @ 9AM and I realized why I’m sleeping so fucking much. My sleeping schedule is fucked up all to hell, I’m sleeping more hours per day than normal, but I haven’t had a “solid 8 hours” of sleep in a row in a while, even with me taking the Seroquell every fucking day. I should prolly start drinking coffee because it would prolly help a lot with the sleeping problem.27

11:30 AM28

I’ve been seriously thinking about this bizarre, weird-ass sexual situation that I’ve somehow gotten myself into with this slutty bitch Cheyenne and her newest guy for the last 24 hours, and I just now realized that I’m not really any more comfortable with this woman than I was before I started sleeping with her, and they’re not even letting me pull my dick out of my pants yet, so now I’ve finally, definitively decided that I’m actually gonna try to pursue having some sort of 3-way sexual relationship with Tray and Miss D instead of continuing to have sex Cheyenne and her newest guy. Tray and Miss D aren’t homeless, and they don’t know that I’m homeless, so they’re not gonna start playing any of the those fucking frustrating mind games that the homeless women always end up playing with my mind. Tray is so fucking naïve and innocent when it comes to sexuality, which it’s really fucking comical because she’s got 7 kids and I just couldn’t stop thinking that her oldest kid prolly knows more about sex than she does. As I said before, I and Miss D are going to try to “teach” Tray about the “lifestyle” and I think this could very quickly turn into an extremely fun little “project”, especially since Tray made me cum on the train, and any further sexual encounters with either of them would prolly end up with me getting to cum, which would definitely be a hell of a lot better than the weird-ass crap that’s been going on with Cheyenne and her newest guy.29

Monday October 20, 2008 2:30 PM30

My mom finally found someone that’s actually willing to buy her total piece of crap car and the car should be out of the parking lot (with money in my mom’s hand) tonight or tomorrow morning unless she gets someone else to buy it. Her car is so completely crappy that the guy she’s already found will only be giving her enough to pay her bills. She’s got a lawyer trying to give 6 thousand in a cash lump sum (for child-support from my father) and she’s trying to get into this “life net” housing thing where her monthly rent will only be 1/3 of her monthly income (the child support money won’t count) so her being broke all the time should be over pretty soon, maybe. 31

Miss D showed her friends the story about what happened on the train, and some of them want to meet me whenever Miss D can arrange it just from what I did on the train and I’ll prolly end up flashing these specific people, which should be very fun.32

Thursday October 23, 2008 8:30 AM33

Marissa got a male dog while I was with her last Friday and since my last entry Monday, a tranny hooker named Diamond took Marissa’s dog and “supposedly” left it at a client’s house. Also since my last entry, my black fluffy feminine jacket, and my blanket that has my name on it in really huge ass letters on it, and my cell phone with Miss D’s number in it all got stolen. My phone might be in Colorado, the person that has my phone doesn’t have my phone charger, (because the phone and the charger were jacked by 2 separate people) and, although she won’t ever admit it to anyone (even herself) Cheyenne is totally responsible for all my shit getting stolen.34

I’m totally fucking pissed off at Cheyenne because of her loosing all my fucking stuff. I can’t walk around when it’s really fucking cold outside without my thick fluffy coat, I can’t sleep outside without my thick fluffy blanket (cuz this is Texas where the nights get freezing even though it’s as hot as hell at 3 PM), and my cell had Miss D’s number on it. I couldn’t send an e-mail Miss D yesterday to tell her that my phone was gone because of Cheyenne being a bitch, Cheyenne made me sit next to her computer in the library next to her all fucking day while she flirted with lots of different people online, but she wouldn’t let me send an e-mail to tell Miss D that my phone was gone, because she’s afraid of me “replacing” her with Miss D. 35

When Cheyenne signed that on-line “master/slave” contract that Ashley printed out a week ago, it was cuz Cheyenne thinks she should be my “master” instead of Ashley because Cheyenne has known me longer. Cheyenne has been calling me “slave” and “sub” and she’s been making me call her “mistress” so when I mentioned “Miss D” Cheyenne thought I was going to replace her, she thought I wanted Miss D as my new master, and now that I’m thinking about it, I prolly do, Cheyenne is seriously getting on my nerves and I think Miss D would prolly be a better master for me.36

3:20 PM37

Mom spend several hours this morning and the last 20 min talking on the phone trying to get people to buy her car. She just sold her car just this second and the buyer is coming over here right now. Woo-hoo, now she can pay her electric bill with this money instead of borrowing my money, again. 38

Tuesday October 28, 2008, 11:00 AM 39

On Saturday night I went to the big Halloween block party in the gay part of Dallas. It was such a spectacular party that I’m already planning on going next year. Every one was wearing costumes even though it’s not actually Halloween till next Friday, and I got to suck toes of a pair of pretty feet of a woman that I’d only known for about a minute, and a gay guy dressed as The Riddler gave me a hand-job, I didn’t cum, but it was still really fun having someone else’s hand on my dick. 40

2:30 PM41

I got up and went with my mom to go get some food from an Irving food bank to go get some food. The box of cereal contained dehydrated strawberries. Dehydrated strawberries are totally delicious.42

Miss D finally agreed to meet me face-2-face, Saturday, Woo-hoo. She’s put me on a guest list for a Halloween party that’s the day after Halloween, and there’s going to be BDSM type stuff going on. 43

Wednesday October 29th 2008 3:30 PM44

I’m still here at my mom’s house, and I just now realized that I’m just still here cuz I’m totally hiding from Cheyenne. She’s a bitch and I’m hiding from her, it makes me look pretty bad, but that’s what’s happening, I’m just being a little baby and hiding from the bitchy girl. 45

Thursday October 30th 2008 10:00 AM46

Tomorrow is Halloween, tomorrow is also payday, woo-hoo. This is really great, except that in addition to hiding from Cheyenne, I’m also being lazy. There’s still mold in my mom’s sink, there’s still cat blood in my mom’s bathtub, the floor of her bathroom is still covered in dried out cat food, even though I agreed to clean up all this a week ago, and my pubic hair has grown back because I’ve been too lazy to shave it, even though I’m prolly gonna be having some sort of sex, with Miss D and/or her friend(s) at the sex party the day after Halloween. 47

Monday November 3rd48

Went to purgatory Halloween night, purgatory sucked and closed early, went to “The Church” afterward.49

I Went to Sanctuary, the night after Halloween, just like I planed. Sanctuary has a big privacy policy thing so I can’t really talk about it. If you want to know anything about the sanctuary you’ll have to go to the website www.santuarylifestyle.com 50

Tuesday November 4, 200851

The identity of the most powerful man on Earth is going to change today. When the United States of America’s presidential election happens, I always hope the right guy gets the job, but this time it actually seems possible that the wrong guy will get into the office. This is as scary as hell, not because of the idea of the wrong guy being president, but because of the wrong guy being president of the United States of America. The United States president is the most powerful man on earth. The wrong guy becoming US president is not merely outrageous; it’s become even more outrageous than the last few times this has happened. Every country on the planet is watching this specific presidential election, and they all want Obama to win, but despite this, the actual American people seem to want McCain to win. How could this have actually happened? How the fucking hell could have America become stupid enough to actually disagree with the whole rest of the entire fucking planet. How the hell are we stupid enough to not realize that McCain is nothing more than a clone of Bush? Is there still anyone thinking that a clone of Bush would be a good thing? How in hell is anyone in America voting for McCain? This is really just baffling me.52

10:30 PM53

Finally, this goddamn fucking election is finally actually over, and Obama actually won, woo-hoo. Still freaked out about how anyone at all voted for McCain, let alone so many. What scares me so much is that it now really seems that America has finally gone completely insane.54

Wednesday November 5th 2008 7:00 PM55

I saw Cheyenne today, but she didn’t see me, I’m still pissed off at her, but I’m still kind of afraid of her, cuz I’ve always been the most non-confrontational person that I’ve ever met. I don’t want to confront her about her being responsible for my shit being gone, I don’t want to have to listen to her bitch at me for the fact that she hasn’t seen me in the last few weeks, and I don’t want her to be my “master”, I really just don’t want to see her at all anymore. I understand that I’m totally just being a little chicken-shit about this subject, but it really just seems so much fucking easier for me than trying to actually confront Cheyenne about all of this fucking crap that I’m so fucking pissed off at her about.56

Today I got a footjob from a 30 year-old virgin. She’s done this a dozen times before and she’s clearly enjoying giving me footjobs but it’s not going any further than that, she’s admitted that she’s still a virgin, and I think it’s because she’s not really ready to loose her virginity, but she definitely enjoys giving me footjobs. So if she’s enjoying giving me footjobs, but the sex isn’t going any further than that because she’s a “virgin” and if she’s a “virgin” because she’s not psychologically ready for “sex”, then is it wrong for her to be giving footjobs, even though she’s clearly enjoying doing it? Is it acceptable for me to allow her to touch my dick with her feet, even though she won’t touch my dick with her hands? Is what we’re doing wrong? Am I sexually abusing her when she smiles while she’s giving me a footjob? 57

Thursday November 13th 2008 2:00 PM58

Cheyenne is leaving Texas today, woo-hoo. Lesbian Crystal might pay me back Friday night, and the black guy that acts like a white person will pay me back Saturday @ 3PM. I might end up taking Miss D out too lunch Saturday or Sunday.59

Sunday November 16th 2008 9:10 PM60

Cheyenne didn’t go anywhere. Gay black guy only paid me 15 instead of the 20 I expected and lesbian crystal didn’t pay me back at all. 61

Tuesday November 18th 9AM 62

Just woke up, planned to wake up @ 6, just had dream involving me getting tazered by Marissa. 63

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Thursday December 4th 200872

Scraped clean the bathroom floor, cleaned out bathtub, took first bath since starting this journal. (Sunday after thanksgiving) This was definitely the longest amount of time I’ve gone without bathing, and I’m seriously disgusted with myself. I thought I had a tan, but it turned out to be caked on dirt masquerading as a tan. 73

Saturday December 6th 74

Thanksgiving was boring, no turkey, there was no special big meal. Sort of vaguely want to go to some sort of Christmas party.75

Tuesday December 9th 76

Gave a foot massage to Jacqueline today, we talked about her sex life, we talked about me dressing in drag and wearing makeup and shaping my eyebrows and she thinks that I’m completely gay. Should I tell her I like women? Should I tell her that I had a hard on the entire time that I had her foot in my hands? I prolly won’t.77

Wednesday December 10th 1AM78

Scarface is 25 years old now. This is kind of a big deal because a lot of people consider this to be the greatest movie of all time. I wanna know what you guys think. 79

Channel made specifically for Hispanic Americans just now showed a Pink video. Seemed sort of odd, because in all the time I’ve spent interacting with Hispanics, I’ve never seen any of them actually like Pink at all. Obviously there are at least some Hispanics that like pink if they’re showing pink videos on the channel “made for Latin Americans”, I’ve just never seen it. 80

Friday 12th 11:00 AM81

Had a wet dream, just now orgasmed, woke up and changed my pants. What made this weird is that I don’t have wet dreams very often now that I’ve figured out how to orgasm while I’m awake. My sex drive started at 10, maybe 11 years old. I started having sex at that time, which was partially because I couldn’t bring myself to orgasm while I was awake. I ended up having wet dreams almost every time I went to sleep cuz I couldn’t reach orgasm while I was awake. I was just too submissive during sex. Masturbation is a very self-ISH thing and when I’d have sex, it was always an extremely self-LESS thing. I couldn’t reach orgasm while I was awake until a couple of years ago, and even now it’s difficult to do it during actual sex. I’ve been living with my mom (instead of having to deal with all the “baby mama drama” of all of the “chronically homeless” people in downtown Dallas) and my sex drive is so strong that I’m jacking off every time my mom falls asleep, so having the wet dream was weird because it doesn’t happen very much now that I’ve figured out how to push myself into having a waking orgasm. 82

Sunday December 14, 2008 2:40 AM83

The show called Cheaters is on, the episode is showing the sex club called “Sanctuary”, and it’s a re-run from the part of my journal that got accidentally deleted. The woman that called the show was married and her husband was going to Sanctuary. When she went to the club to confront him, he kept saying that he was cheating because she wouldn’t indulge his sexual fetishes, but all I saw was “the confrontation” part, so I’m not sure exactly what his fetishes were. He said that all she wanted to do during sex was “only missionary” and he was so frustrated that it was fucking up his syntax/grammar, he kept saying “only missionary” over an over, because he didn’t like Catholic sex and she wouldn’t indulge whichever fetish he was indulging in while at the Sanctuary. www.sanctuarylifestyle.com this might sound bad but I actually feel pretty sorry for the guy. I’m not saying he should have cheated on his wife, but if her refusal to indulge sexual fetishes was their marriage’s only problem, then I think that maybe this marriage could have been saved with marriage counseling. I definitely think that the wife should have indulged the husband’s sexual fetishes, but I don’t mean that in a misogynistic way, a married guy should indulge his wife’s sexual fetishes as well. 84

I look at it like this, if your partner won’t indulge your sexual fetishes, then what the fucking hell is the point of sexual monogamy? If she’s flat-out refusing his sexual requests, then, he should get divorced and have his sexual fetishes indulged by someone else, but if she had no idea what his sexual fetishes were, then the marriage could have been easily saved with couple’s therapy. 85

Friday December 19th 7:30 PM86

Last Saturday somebody died of heat exhaustion, Monday and Tuesday were both freezing with ice on the ground and today was hot again. I’m living in the DFW Metroplex. I saw Jacqueline on the cold days. She loves the cold and loves the fog. She thinks I’m totally gay, but it’s obvious that she’d be sort of interested in me if she knew I was straight. I’m debating with myself about whether or not to tell her. I know I could fuck her if I wanted to but I’m just not sure I actually want to. Right now my horniness is burning my blood, but I keep thinking that sleeping with Jacqueline would be a mistake. 87

Today I saw miss D face-to-face again and it was weird. It was weird because when I’m with Jacqueline, she does most of the talking, but with Miss D, I did most of the talking. I did most of the talking because I am so fucking horny. It might sound weird to the people that haven’t met me face-2-face, but it wasn’t even sexual talk, though, a huge amount of the talking was my mind just trying to think or random non-sexual things to say just to avoid talking about sex. I wanted to talk about non-sexual things because I know that Miss D wants to take me back to Sanctuary to do sexual stuff with me, but at the same time she’s just really not able to do any sexual things with me outside of Sanctuary. She’s not having sex with anyone right now, (she hasn’t been back to Sanctuary since I was there). She’s got a roommate that hates me, and that combined with some other stuff is just making it impossible for her to do any kind of sexual things with me outside of the Sanctuary setting. Also I won’t be able to go back there for a while because, apparently I was acting inappropriate. I’m prolly going to buy a gag and handcuffs for myself the next time I get any money. If I was gagged and handcuffed, (maybe even put into a straight jacket) then it would be easier to avoid pissing off people. Different people go on the different nights so it would prolly be easier to just go on a different night of the week, with different people, but I’ll prolly still end up going gagged and handcuffed anyway. The reason that I like talking to Miss D so much is because she wants to have sex with me and she also wants me to have sex with other people, it’s so incredibly intoxicating to interact with someone that doesn’t believe in monogamy. 88

Day after Christmas 12:06 PM89

Spend part of the afternoon yesterday with Jacqueline, and she still thinks I’m gay, and I think that it’s been just a little too long, I think that it’s already gotten to the point that if I tell her I’m straight now, she’s prolly gonna be at least a little pissed that I didn’t tell her earlier, and I’m not so sure that I want to sleep with her even if I could arrange it, so I just now decided to just not tell her. If I’m not with her when I flirt with/sleep with females, then I could prolly keep Jacqueline thinking that I’m totally gay forever. I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts on this. 90

Jon-Bonnet Ramsey died 12 years ago yesterday, and John Mark Karr was on one of those celebrity gossip shows again and I’m still pissed off that he’s not in jail. I think the DA totally dropped the ball on this one. If you watch the documentary about the Jon-Bennet case (the one that was made BEFORE John Mark Karr got himself in the American news) there’s clearly evidence showing that there were at least three people in that basement with Jon-Bennett, and when it was found that the male DNA that was on her did NOT match John Mark Karr, there was at that point clearly enough evidence to say that John Mark Karr knew the identity of who that male DNA belonged to, and the DA should have arrested him for being an accomplice to the murder/rape. 91

After 27 years, the killer of John Walsh’s kid has finally been “brought to justice”, which is great, I think, but it just makes me think of how insane John Walsh is. There are American children being killed every single fucking day, thousands every month, and out of all those parents, only a handful ever achieve celebrity. It’s usually because of the child being mutilated or raped in addition to being killed or something else horrific like that, but John Walsh became famous because his mind was shattered to the point that he was unable to deal with the death in the same way as all those other grieving parents. John Walsh went completely totally nuts. He went crazy to the point that his insanity caused him to change laws and create that America’s Most Wanted show. Other kids get themselves killed and it doesn’t result in the laws being changed, other kids get killed and it doesn’t result in TV shows getting created. John Walsh did these things because he had to do them, these were projects he undertook because he couldn’t grieve properly. If he’d been totally unsuccessful at his attempts to get that law passed, if he’d been unable to get that America’s Most Wanted show on the air, then John Walsh would have prolly shot himself. 92

Tuesday December 30, 2008 2:11 PM93

The Maury show is on, and they’re finally showing an episode that has absolutely nothing to do with “DNA paternity testing” for the 1st time in several months (unless you count the “is it a man or a woman show they did for Christmas). The DNA paternity testing has gotten so fucking repetitive that it was really fun to see the show do a totally different show idea.94

4:45 PM95

Just now found out that Brittney’s mom actually published the book that she’s been writing.96

December 31, 2008 1:00 AM97

Its already past midnight now, so 24 hours from now, it will be 2009!!! 98

Thursday January 8th, 3:00 AM going to go to sleep now. I’ve apparently become a “night person” now, which is kinda disrupting my life. I’ve got to go to sleep and wake up in 3 hours. Also this “reversed circadian rhythm is preventing me from typing every day. My mind is just fucked up right now. 99