Helplessness

It was a warm, sunny afternoon but her body was cold. Her mind was frozen, she couldn't think. She collapsed against a tree trunk because she couldn't think of anything else to do. She buried her face in her arms and she fought back the burning in her eyes. The harder she tried the more persistent they became, until her sleeve was soaked in her salty tears. Thoughts tumbled around in her head. What was she going to do? Her instant reaction was to deny it all. Say that it was wrong, but deep in her heart; she knew that it was not. 1

She wanted to run. Run far away from this place, but she couldn't. Her body felt heavy and her limbs felt like lead. She was simply frozen on the spot. Her head ached and she just wanted it to stop. How could this happen to her?2

"What is going to happen to me?" She whispered to herself.3

She was scared. This was like being trapped within one of her nightmares. The one where she'd fall and not get back up. 4

Someone came up to her. She felt a hand on her shoulder and fingers running through her hair. She pushed the hand away and wiped her face but someone was grabbing at her, pulling her closer. She looked up. She recognised his hazel eyes and strong body. Comforted by the face she let herself fall into his arms. 5

His body was warm and he hugged her and rubbed her back. She cried and cried. She knew she was home. In his arms. That was where home was.6

“I have bad news,” she whispered in a soft, but terrified voice. 7

Tristan was the kind of boy that Taylor had always dreamed of. He was strong and yet sweet. He was the kind of boy that remembered your birthday and visited your grandparents with you. He was romantic, intelligent and gifted with sports. And to Taylor, everything about him was perfect. 8

Tristan and Taylor had been going out for nearly a year. A year in the life of a teenager seems like forever and when he saw his girlfriend slumped against a tree in tears, his heart ripped into two. He could not bear to see her upset, he loved her so much. 9

"Don't worry Taylor," He said reassuringly. "Don't worry, whatever has happened, it'll all be ok... I'm here, your safe, don’t worry." 10

"Don't let me go," she sobbed as his grip around her tightened. 11

"I wouldn't dream of it," He said, stroking her hair. 12

His mind was confused. He didn't have a clue what had happened to make her so upset. But that didn't matter. All he wanted to do was comfort her.13

"Tristan... do you love me?" Taylor wept.14

"Of course I do, honey. You are my world, my life, my everything. I don't want anything to ever come between us," He replied, kissing her forehead. 15

For some reason, this made her cry even harder. He pulled her as close as he could to him. She was shaking and her eyes were red and puffy. She rested her head against his chest. Tristan stood about a head taller than her and her body fitted neatly into his. They were like a jigsaw puzzle, fitting snugly into each other
"What's happened, sweetie?" He asked after sometime when her tears had become subdued. 16

"Tristan... I'm dying..." She whispered.17

Taylor bit her lip as she said it. The words seemed unreal. They'd been said over and over in her head but, spoken aloud, they didn't sound the same. Hearing the words coming from her own mouth made her think of something that you read about, but dismiss as 'it will never happen to me' But this time, it was true, and it was happening. It was 100% real. She was scared. 18

She felt Tristan’s grip around her loosen, and closed her eyes to block out more tears. She felt sick, every inch of her body ached and she longed to feel free again. Happy, Blissful, without a care. Her insides bubbled and her stomach churned. She wished for yesterday. Yesterday, when her troubles seemed far away. 19

Tristan hadn't said anything. His arms had fallen by his sides and his face looked petrified. For the first time in his life, he was scared. Taylor looked at him, Caught the look in his eye, she saw the panic etched on his face, she saw his fear. 20

"Tristan...” She whispered looking into his Hazel eyes. 21

"Tristan...Please say something... anything... just say something...” 22

He remained silent. His lips pressed together. She studied his face. His smile was gone, and so had the colour from his cheeks. It was as if everything she knew of him and drained away. The love, the warmth and all that was left was an empty, meaningless shell. 23

The sun was setting in the sky. Day was turning to dusk. The sky was descending into darkness; the clouds had turned a deep purple colour. Within half an hour the sun was fully down. It was pitch black and she gazed at the moon24

"Taylor... I'm scared" Tristan breathed. 25

"I'm scared too," She replied, feeling a surge of relief when he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. 26

"Tell me it will be ok, Tristan," She begged.27

"Everything will be alright," He said, although he doubted himself as he said it.28

"Tristan...I'm dying..." The words played in his head. He heard them over and over. He thought for a moment, and then he froze. His mind, His body, his soul. Wounded, broken. He couldn't think, He couldn't move, He couldn't speak. All he could do was stare and listen to the words repeat. 29

For the first time, He felt fear. He felt everything he knew slip away from him. That was until he saw her face. It was just as scared as his, if not more so.30

"Taylor...” he said, pulling her into a tight hug.31

"Yes, Tristan?" She replied. 32

"I love you," he said, letting her go. 33

"I love you too," she whispered as she felt him reach out and touch her hair. 34

They were scared. They wanted to run away, to hide like children do when playing foolish games. They wished that their biggest troubles were scraped knees or nasty words that hung bitterly in the air.35

That night, her reckless dreams were punctuated with flashbacks of the doctor saying the same thing over and over that she was suffering from a severe case of cancer, and it was highly unlikely that she would even last another week, of her short life. Suddenly, the dreams stopped, and so did Taylors beautiful, kind heart. She was gone. 36

That next morning, Tristan came over to see how Taylor was going. His heart was still broken and he seemed distant with everyone who he talked to. He didn’t know if he would ever go back to his usual cheery self. He slowly dragged his tired legs up the stairs as his dreams to had been disrupted with yesterday’s incident playing continuously through his mind.37

“Taylor,” he said softly and smoothly, pushing the door open. He went up to Taylor and put his arm around her, not knowing what was just about to happen. He cooed her name again. Suddenly, his body froze. His heart fell, feeling as if it was never going to stop. The horrible truth sunk in. She was not breathing. Boiling hot tears rolled down his terrified face. He had never been so upset in life. All he wanted to do was be with her in heaven.38

He sat there crying his eyes out for hours with the rest of Taylor’s family. Everyone was in shock; denial that such a thing had happened in such little time. They thought at least she would have another few days to plant memories in Tristan’s and their minds. But those thoughts were shattered, and nothing else seemed to matter. They didn’t know if anything else would matter at all in the rest of their lives.39

Tristan and Taylor’s family lived in grief for many years after her devastating death. They never recovered from the shock of Taylor’s sudden heart falling passing away. They never moved on. 40


Author notes

user name: citcat

twilight <3
sentence for comp: It was pitch black and i gazed at the moon
i got the idea for this story from no where. it just came to me

catorgy: romance
Exploding Chicken

A contest entry

Is it good? what do you honestly think about it

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 56 of 56

  • HaydenLautner
    November 7
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    I'm speechless. The story was beautiful, no doubt about it. And those two characters seem to really love and care about eachother..
    It was greatly written.
    Just a bit of advice would be to indicate that you are switching scenes.. It was a bit confusing with the scene changing and the characters POV's.
    Other than that, it was amazing.
    The last line just shattered my heart, literally. It bought me close to tears.
    Just a little sentence made me want to cry.
    So well done for that. Amazingly done, thanks for the entry and good luck


  • ELFgirl12
    September 4

    Edit | Reply

    Awwwww....that made me cry.

    That was soooo sad . I definitely cried for that one. The best so far, I think. Great job, and I hope you writ more stories, since you're so good. Thanks for enterting my contest, and good luck!

    -Ellie

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Marisalyn13
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I think it was good. I connected to the characters. I also can see you entered this in a lot of contests, and if you want a lot of reads put it in the Featured Box if you didn't. This story deserves a lot of reads, and was very good.

    That's why I'm saying Congratulations! You've made it to the finalists list! Good job, good luck, and thanks for entering!

    -Keep Writing!


  • YaoiQueen Killa
    May 24

    Edit | Reply

    Hmmm

    I dont know if I like it or not, I couldnt get into the feeling of the charcters, I couldnt seem to get to know them in that short amount of time... Thankyou for entering


  • Dassy
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    omo that was so sad! to find out that you are going to die two days before so... and poor tristan... to have his love torn away from him. amazing story


  • Carina.J.LR
    May 11

    Edit | Reply
    I liked your story, it was well written and different. Please keep writing! >smiles<

    Thanks for entering and good luck!

    -Carina


  • Neolittlefish
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    aw, ending was sad , I liked the way you built up to Taylor telling Tristan what was going to happen, it felt a little rushed towards the end but on the whole, great well done.


  • Violette silver member
    April 24

    Edit | Reply

    Yes it is.

    But honestly, it requires a little tweaking here and there. Grammar and punctuation in particular- stuff like that just jumps out at me and wrecks my concentration. So go through it again and see what you can find.
    Tristan and Taylor were very yin and yang for me-which is great. I love characters that mesh well together and I found their descriptions rather good. It held my interest, despite the length so all the best for your future writing endevours!


  • ManualLoveLetter
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wow....
    Ummm that is really good. I love the way you developed Tristan, the way He was strong, but his weakness comes out in Taylor.

    Good Luck in my contest!


  • WhiteHorse17
    March 30
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    i felt so bad 4 taylor! great. thanx for entering.
    whitehorse17


  • VelvetWings
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    This was a lovely write, reminds me of stories written by the author Lurlene McDaniel (hope I spelled that correctly). Stories like this can almost bring me to tears. As was said before me, though, it isn't the most original thing I've read, but it was well-written and held my interest despite the length of it.
    Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck!
    ~Sparrow


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm. This was well told, though I've heard stories in a very similar vein before. I didn't have to force myself to read it all the way through, which means it was nicely written =) just not the most original of works that I've seen.

    Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest.


  • Vampiric souls
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really sad story, and you have written it so well. I loved the love you showed between Tristan and Taylor at the start of the story, it is such an amazing idea that you have chosen..... Thank you so much for entering!
    Souls


  • Cupcake14
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    Hey. You seem to have a knack for writing romances.
    Anyways, cancer is a serious disease. It's not the sort that is diagnosed just a week before you die. I'm younger, so I'm not a really credible source, but I think you should check it out anyways.
    Also, you need to proofread it.
    Good job!

  • VelvetWings
    March 1
    Edit | Reply
    This is so sad. It reads like one of those Lurlene McDaniel (if I got the name correct...) stories.
    I love this. Thank you for sharing a beautiful, eye-watering piece.
    ~Sparrow


  • Maggie Kay
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    He let her go! he said he wouldnt let her go
    Very good story. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
    Didnt quite make me cry although it was a very sad story. I think the death was a bit to quick for me but good anyway.
    Thanks for entering

  • SilentMoonDance
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    Nice...

    The beginning of the story held some mystery, which is great. I was trying to figure out why the main character Taylor, was so distraught. Now, I understand that it was her helplessness and hopelessness from not being able to control her dire circumstances. It was sweet and romantic that her boyfriend Tristan was there for her. My only criticism: it's a bit melodramatic and unrealistic. If someone was suffering from cancer, the doctor would aid that person with medicine and chemotherapy...she would be in a hospital, not crying by a tree. But I'm not going to hold that against you, being that you're fourteen and your writing skills are excellent for your age. You'll only get better as time progresses.
    Otherwise, this was a well-written piece, and good luck in my contest!


  • Lady Kay
    February 25

    Edit | Reply

    Thank You

    Thank you for entering my contest. This story was truly heart felt and I absolutely loved it. The only thing is...she dies a little too soon. A couple weeks should pass by. Now, for the grammical errors and punctuation.

    10. 11. 12. 14. 15. 25. 26. 28. 33. 34. - You should have a comma at the end of the character speaking. Then, add the qoutation marks.

    5. Comforted by the face, she...

    10. Don't worry, Taylor...

    20. UN-capitalize caught

    23. It was if everything she knew ABOUT him had gone away.

    24. Take out colour after purple. It just adds to awkward wording.

    40. Falling should be failing. (I recommend taking this out)


    Otherwise...good story. Just clean up the errors.

    Ratings might change before judging, but this is the only one you'll get.

    Your rating: 89.5 out of 100 (Your errors were pretty noticable)

    Thanks for entering the contest!


    -Xoxlaughinchickxox











    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 4.


  • Atticus Unanimous
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    I don't usually go for the romantic death bit. No, if I have a couple I'm writing about, I kill them off after sever rounds of depression, anger towards each other and fear. But I sometimes like to read something else.

    This was nice, short and to the point. I think perhaps if you used stronger language, your images would be more vivid.


  • Jennywinnie
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    I really like you easy descriptive style. You describe so well without being too wordy, this is a great flow.

    I would suggest giving her a a name a bit sooner, before you bring Tristan in anyway. In the beginning "she" can work great in a dramatic way, but at some point you might name her so that the reader feels that we know her. For instance, "She this...she that. Angela, the cobblers daughter, sat at a tree...."

    It just helps us feel like we've been introduced, and a name always helps me focus my characters better. I hope you don't mind the comment...it's up to you. But I do comment alot on stories I like, so take it as a compliment.

    Ok well great story and good luck in my contest

  • VariousSingularity
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    P10: 'your safe' Should be 'you're'

    P16: After the word 'other' there should be a period. And 'What's happened, sweetie?' should start a new paragraph.

    'asked after sometime(,) when her tears'

    P18: 'never happen to me(.)'

    P20: 'looked at him, Caught the look'--Lowercase caught. Or replace the coma with a period.

    P23: 'she knew of him and(had) drained'

    P24: 'a deep purple colour.' Colour is useless. 'A deep purple' sums up the color well enough.

    It would end much better if you took the last paragraph out completely. Just an opinion there....


    This is really sappy...There are some good moments in there, though. Some pretty good writing too.

    P19: 'She wished for yesterday. Yesterday, when her troubles seemed far away.'--Listening to the Beatles were you?

    lol...Couldn't resist...


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    thanx i have read it b4 and i still like it!


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply

    hm...

    Thank-you for your entry i will be reviewing all of the finalists momentarily!


  • Tricia3 gold member
    February 9
    Edit | Reply
    #6 That was where home ???
    #10 I'm here, [you're] safe


  • ElfSong
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    This was touching and well written, although was a few mistakes you will see are included below.

    paragraph 10:

    "Don't worry Taylor" comma after "worry"

    "ok" should be spelt "okay"

    "your" is spelt "you're"

    Paragraph 11:

    ""Don't let me go"" you need a comma after the dialogue.

    Paragraph 12:

    ""I wouldn't dream of it" He said" comma after "it" and lower case "h" in "he"

    Paragraph 15:

    "...us" He... " Same thing as before: comma after "us" and lower case "h"

    Paragraph 16:

    "fitted neatly into his. They were like a jigsaw puzzle, fitting snugly into each other
    "What's happened, sweetie?" He asked after sometime when her tears had become subdued. " These paragraphs are merged. please separate them ^^

    "sometime" should be two words here.

    Paragraph 19:

    "Blissful" should be lowercase.

    "She wished for yesterday. Yesterday, when her troubles seemed far away. " .........cliche.... much?

    Paragraph 20:

    "Caught" lower case.

    Paragraph 21:

    "...whispered looking into his Hazel eyes ..." comma after "whispered" and lower case for "Hazel" pleaseee =]

    Paragraph 23:

    "and drained away" I'm guessing you mean "had drained away"

    you need a comma after "the warmth"

    Paragraph 25:

    comma after "scared"

    Paragraph 26:

    "too" She " I'll let you guess what is wrong with that ^^

    27:

    "ok" is "okay"

    28:

    "alright" He " ..................

    29:

    "His" lower case.

    "He" lower case. Pleaaseee

    Same story for paragraph 30. Why do you love capital letters so much?

    34:

    "too" she" please insert punctuation here (:

    Paragraph 36:

    "That night, her reckless dreams were punctuated with flashbacks of the doctor saying the same thing over and over that she was suffering from a severe case of cancer, and it was highly unlikely that she would even last another week, of her short life." Too long and hard to understand. Please break it up somehow.

    "Taylors" needs an apostrophe.

    37:

    "He slowly dragged his tired legs up the stairs as his dreams to had been disrupted with yesterday’s incident playing continuously through his mind." I have no idea what you are trying to say here. Please revise this.

    Overall, well done!

    The final paragraph to this sad story gave me chills.

    I won't say that I cried like everyone else who commented, but it was very saddening, although a tiny bit cliche with the perfect boyfriend, although I'll have to admit, sweet...*sigh*

    I enjoyed the descriptions in this story greatly. It was quite beautiful. ^^

    Thanks =]


  • FireHawk
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    that was beautiful. it wrenched my heart to read about their love and how it was over so quickly! a few simple mistakes but overall a excellent story! I liked the use of the sentence in the middle of the story. creative.
    ~smiles

    good luck in my contest!

  • tonyher
    February 8

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good

    I really enjoy your story. Very well written and as far as any mistakes, who cares. We all make them, again good job.


  • Dreama
    February 8
    Edit | Reply
    cried at this. it is very good.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my god...that is so sad. It was beautifully written. I admire how you did this and I just can't bring myself to criticize this work. Has this ever truly happened to you or someone you know? If so I am deeply sorry


    • citcat
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for the comment. and nah it hasnt happened to someone i know...thank god


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 7
    Edit | Reply

    hm...

    very sad, very beautiful, very awesome great story!!! i loved it!!! good luck on the contest


  • Lois.Stone
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    I just cried! So sad... and beautiful. I could see what you write! And I would be embarrassed if someone compared what I write to yours- because you are so talented, and know how to put words together.

    Loisxx


  • GrimDeath
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    It was very sad story, the details and descriptions are very strong and vivid. The romance part was very sweet. I loved it. Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
    -Grim


  • Reaver Greeters member
    February 1

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to StoryWrite!

    Ok, this was very sad. You managed to bring out emotion in me, which is quite a task for most. You do need to sit down with it and do a very careful proofread, but there was really nothing major that took away from the overall effect of the story. I really enjoyed reading!

    Thanks for entering the January New Members Contest! Good luck in all of your writing!
    Rian, Greeter

  • Carissamahrie
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    This is really sad.
    I like it alot, and it was written well.
    Good job.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • VampireFriends
    January 30

    Edit | Reply

    Good story, but just a few errors...

    Firstly, I would like to just say that this was a good story. The plot was quite simple, and I understood it well - there weren't really any massive gaps or anything. The emotions were put across well, though I felt that you might be able to do more with them - really bring them ro the surface.

    Okay, the boring bits:

    A couple of times, you started dialoug in the middle of a paragraph, like in paragraph 4. You should start a new line whenever you have someone speaking - but if it's the same person speaking, keep it on the same line - for example, in paragraphs 17 and 18, it's confusing as to who is talking.

    Something I saw was that paragraoh 30 just stops in the middle of a sentence:

    "They wished that their biggest troubles were scraped knees or nasty words that hung bitterly in"

    In what? You should probably revise that.

    Occasionally, you ended speech marks without any punctuation:

    "Tell me it will be ok, Tristan" She begged

    Really, there should be a comma after Tristan, otherwise it just doesn't read right.

    I think that's most of the major errors which I saw, and it's a shame that there are some, because it destracts you from the story itself. I did like the way this was presented, I felt it had something about it. Just look over those details, and it will be great!

    Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!


  • Rose Hathaway
    January 28
    Edit | Reply
    Wondeful. I really enjoyed this peice. Beautiful work.
    Well Done!


  • Just Breathe.
    January 24

    Edit | Reply
    Omg....this is so sad! My eyes went watery. This is well written and a really good story. But please put your username in your author's notes.

    But, anyways...this is a really good story. Great job and good luck in my contest!


  • Fiddlewilly
    January 23
    Edit | Reply

    Good job


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply

    Sad Story

    This is a sad story. Her death came very quickly. You had a lot of emotion in this story, but I feel that you could have developed it even more.

    You have a couple of awkward sentences. It might help to read this out loud to yourself.

    I think this is a pretty good story on the whole.


    p4 In his arms(, that was) home.

    p19 and so (was) the colour

    p20 (The) sun


    Thanks for entering the New Member contest. Welcome to Storywrite Let us know if we may be of assistance.

    Andy, greeter


  • rinzu
    January 19
    Edit | Reply
    well written story...!!! framed in good words...!!!but kindly get rid of too many first person usages and second person usages...
    it makes the story and its flow break...


  • Doverstar
    January 17
    Edit | Reply
    Ohh. Wow. That's the saddest thing I've ever read.



    But the writing was good!

  • frostany
    January 15

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was a really well written story. I liked so many of the poetic lines you used in here. I liked the way you talked about the two teenagers fitting together like jigsaw puzzle pieces. I also like the way you talked about their wishes for easier worries like scraped knees or bitter words.

    My only suggestion is that you might want to add a little more detail of Tristan's emotions at the end.

    Great write though, I really enjoyed it.


  • Savage
    January 14
    Edit | Reply
    Great! I know this sounds weird, but make the last bit more heart-wrenching, upgrade it from sad to terrible.

    'Suddenly, the dreams stopped, and so did Taylors beautiful, kind heart. She was gone.' You can make that worse, come on you can do it!

    Apart from that there were a few your/s instead of you're/s, but you have talent if you go through this carefully.


  • sanctuaryWHiTE
    January 13
    Edit | Reply
    Err, word, not world. See, even I, the one who is knit-picking your work to pieces, make mistakes.

  • sanctuaryWHiTE
    January 13

    Edit | Reply

    Use some work

    Well, first of all, it could use a little world variation, and there were a bunch of errors, but that what being a new writers about, right? Anyhow, I thought it was awfully sad and, just, abrupt. It was undetailed but you are a budding author and you will be writing wonderful stories in the near future!

    Overall, it was a medium on the scale, but thats probably just me. Keep up the good work!

    -Sanc

  • BrokenGirl
    January 13
    Edit | Reply

    OMG I love it!

    This is so good! It made me cry! I love it! You did awesome!


  • voldo
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    First I'll talk about grammar and all that jazz, then give my overall impressions.

    paragraph 1... you have a lot of "shes" and "hers" and it was kind of distracting me from the story. one day to rid yourself of that is...

    The harder she tried the more persistent they became, until her sleeve was soaked in her salty tears.

    ** Until her sleeve was soaked with salty tears.

    Her mind was frozen, she couldn't think. She collapsed against a tree trunk because she couldn't think of anything else to do.

    **Vary word choice on "think" Maybe she couldn't figure out anything else to do

    Her body felt heavy and her limbs felt like lead.

    **Vary w.c. on "felt"

    That was where home.

    **where home was?

    Tristan stood about a head taller than her and her body fitted neatly into his. They were like a jigsaw puzzle, fitting snugly into each other11

    ** I like that description

    some grammar mistakes, read it out loud... it's hard to spot them when you've been looking at the story for so long. not many though.

    Okay

    Positive
    - You really created a scene of sadness and love... and the type of guy that I guess all girls want as their boyfriend. (i'm a guy so i donno lol)

    - I like how the girl sort of opens up and is completely naked (metaphorically) with her grief/fear and that the boy is too but they just huddle together and try to bear the sadness.

    - At the beginning, just showing sadness without a reason or what was a cool effect. It all came together as the story went on.

    Negative
    - We read a lot of stories about sadness, crying, romance, the perfect boyfriend, you know? One thing that makes them not cliche is that... we really associate with the characters, feel like we know who they are and therefore our emotions are invested in them. Kind of like... with a romantic comedy. We get to know the characters and then when they lose their relationship, we are heartbroken with them. With this story, I didn't feel that right off the bat. I couldn't tell if she was crying over a boyfriend or that she was dying... meaning... it didn't impact me as much because I didn't know the girl as well. Maybe if you give more flashbacks to the past when she's not in this havoc state so we get a sense of who she really is. Then when it is revealed she is terrified, we feel it stronger .For instance.... a girl who's a nurse who always tries to be strong and is weak in this one moment (let's up) and comforted by her boyfriend is more meaningful than a girl who is weak in this moment and is comforted.

    - I like stories that go from - + -... starts out negative, goes a bit up hill, then down hill or... - + - + .... after trials has an up happy ending. I think you should better develop how this girl is saved by her boyfriend...I know you described it very well, but just state more how she felt... calm after his consoling... how everything seems all right and then it crashes, revealing the cynical but realistic side of humanity.

    -Finally, I was not pleased with the ending. I understand it's a down ending, but it felt like the whole "They never recovered from the shock of Taylor’s sudden heart falling passing away. They never moved on" Was too much of a sum up. I think... even though she dies... someone should be changed in some way. Maybe they are never the same but Taylor realizes that he must make every moment count and... i don't know... takes up the guitar. Even though he can't get over her, he learns to better live his life you know?

    Ack... that's the bell.. Okay short thing

    I think this story has good potential... you need to make it hit the reader's sympathy more though. Like if you hear a story about a guy that's run over by a bus... you think... oh shit... the next day you're still laughing with ur friends. if you hear the story about your best friend hit by a buss... you think over the meaning of life and shit and morn the loss. We need to see the characters as best friends...get to know them you know? You might know them well in ur head, but not the reader.

    overall, i'd give this a 7/10. Very impressive, like others said, for a 14 year old.


  • Pleasance silver member
    January 12

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    Fantastic

    Awww *sniff, sniff* now that's my kind of romance! I really like the sound of Tristan...the kind of boyfriend who goes with you to yr grandparents place...I want one of those . Real tearjerker stuff...but not too soppy, loved it. I was kind of sad that Taylor died so soon!

    The language was quite realistic, the characters symathetic, I liked the idea of Tristan dying a little himself after hearing Taylor's news.

    All the best in the contest, nice to know I have good competition!

    Ciao
    Pleasance

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Alvilos
    January 12

    Edit | Reply

    u lied to me

    u said that u werent good at writing. it was brilliant. and written so well and descriptivly. i love being able to see wats going on in my head and i loev feeling the emotions these stories portray and u did both very well done


  • bulan
    January 12
    Edit | Reply
    I love it. I almost cry, lol

  • badchik
    January 12
    Edit | Reply
    omg thats soo good
    your an excellent writer


  • Rawrr.
    January 11
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    It was so good, it almost made me cry !


  • bowmore bill
    January 11
    Edit | Reply

    Liked it.

    Hi citcat, for a fourteen year old you have done a good job, the story has a lot of merit, the worst that can be said is that you have to work on your puncuation, read your work out loud to yourself, this usually helps.
    Ps. I know ths to be true because i have the same problem.
    Very well done.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Hi citcat , you know that is the name of our black cat. My kids love unusual names so our cats are Gizmo and Kitcat and we have a dog named Arnold.

    Welcome to Storywrite. Thanks for sharing this deeply emotional story about young love; and the terrible helplessness of facing unexpected death. While my heart went out to Taylor and I realized how devastating the diagnosis was for her; you made just as strong a case for Tristan’s grief.

    I truly expected this would end in his foolishly taking his own life. I was so glad to see you change that ‘Romeo and Juliet’ ending .

    You definitely have a talent for writing and I imagine it will grow stronger as you indulge in creating situations for other people to enjoy reading .

    Good luck in the contest.

    Geri

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