Monique gazed at her own reflection in the mirror appraisingly. Her dark curls were arranged on her head in a fashion no one had yet thought of. Splendid. She was going to make a sensation at the masque tonight.1
Monique was the only lady at court with her own title and estates. Her father, an Earl and friend of the king had died when she was but thirteen, leaving her the richest woman in Calovia.2
She dearly loved to be one step ahead of everyone else at the court of Henri IV, King of Calovia. Everything she wore, the way she fixed her hair, the way she danced, ate, and talked was admired and imitated by the nobility of Calovia as well as even some of the surrounding kingdoms! Monique smirked to think of it. 3
This hairdo certainly was going to make the other ladies green with envy. Monique giggled to think of how they would scowl. She would get asked to dance far more than any of them. Perhaps the king would even condescend to dance with her as he had at the last ball...Her eyes sparkled with mirth remembering how angry Christine La Bompourre had looked. 4
The young King was supposed to be engaged to a foreign princess from Spain or England or someplace--nobody cared where--but that didn't stop all the eligible ladies at court from hoping. Monique didn't worry. She was practically queen already! 5
A knock sounded at her door.6
"Come in," she called in her most sophisticated tones. Christine and her friend Emilie gracefully sailed in, wearing the full layered skirts Monique had dreamed up. Christine was chattering merrily. Emilie never said anything except to agree with Christine. Monique couldn't endure such a lack of spirit, and therefore couldn't stand to be around her. One Christine was bad enough, but two...7
Monique flung a scarf around her head, furious. Those girls came deliberately to spy on her so they could fix their hair the same way for the masque, she was sure. How could she make a sensation if two other girls had their hair the same way? They were just trying to get the king's attention.8
But the girls hadn't even noticed her hair. Monique sulkily wished they had at least been a little curious.9
"That is a gorgeous gown you are wearing, Lady Monique." said Christine graciously. 10
"Yes, it is indeed!" echoed Emilie.11
Monique condescended to bestow upon Christine a nod of assent. 'So they wanted to see what she was wearing, did they?' she thought sweetly, 'Too bad for them this isn't the gown I am wearing for the masque!'12
"It really is a shame it isn't your color!" continued Christine in the same polite, irritating tone.13
Monique flushed and declared in a mimic of Christine's tone of voice, "You wouldn't know that the King himself told me I looked especially well in it."14
Monique could tell by Christine's deflated expression that the King had never complimented any of her dresses. 15
"We actually came to see if we could borrow some of your pins," said Christine in a meeker tone.16
Monique highly doubted that was the only reason for their visit but she called for one of her maids to fetch her pin-box. She loved to be asked favors of Christine, who always was trying to get the better of her. 17
After the maid had given Christine some pins, she still loitered around the room, talking of gossip that Monique had already heard half an hour before. 18
"Did you hear about the young revolutionary that was arrested yesterday?" asked Christine innocently. Monique wished she could say yes, but she hadn't. 19
"He is sooo handsome," cooed Christine.20
"Yes he is indeed." echoed Emilie. 21
Monique's interest was aroused. "Why--have you seen him?" she asked, trying her best to not sound too interested.22
"Yes," said Christine, "I was on my balcony last night and I saw him being driven over the drawbridge in a wooden cart. His wrists were tied, but he still looked proud, and very handsome. He is right this very minute under us in the royal dungeon. I heard Colonel Oswald say so." 23
Monique hadn't even known there was a dungeon but she wasn't about to let Christine know that. She was furious that for the first time Christine had known something before her.24
Monique wished she knew something about this revolutionary, whatever a revolutionary was. All the ladies would be talking of it and she would have nothing to contribute unless she either made something up or found out something no one else knew. She couldn't bear the thought of she, Monique De Lavosier, who always knew the latest before anyone else, should be beaten by the likes of Christine. After all, Christine's father was only a Duke.25
Monique's silence soon persuaded Christine and Emilie they were not wanted and they went, laughing. Monique scowled at the shut door when they were gone. She was sure they were laughing at her. Her only consolation was that she had given them pins out of her bent-pin box.26
'How am I to find out anything about this revolutionary?' she thought despondently. 'I don't even know what a revolutionary is!'27
Suddenly she turned to gaze into the mirror, her green eyes were bright, her creamy skin flawless and smooth, and her lustrous dark shining hair, which was piled high on her head and studded with diamonds and pearls, was partially covered with a gold silken scarf. Her gown, of the latest fashion that she herself had designed, was made of a dark green velvet trimmed with gold. 28
"Monique," she told herself sternly. "Look at yourself. You are the queen of the court. You always get exactly what you want when you want. Are you going to let that halfwit of a Christine get the better of you? Of course not. You will spy, Monique. You will spy, just as you always have when you had a shortage of gossip. You will spy."29
Very courageously, she put on her most splendid smile and sailed out of her bedchamber. She would show Christine a thing or two. 30
In a list
A contest entry
- Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Story.. by Lady Kay.
375 points, ended February 28, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling All Novelists by Forgotten Anomaly.
1400 points, ended April 4, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Another Contest from Me! by His.Golden.Eyes.
113 points, ended March 25, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Ich Hasse/Liebe Dich by Atticus Unanimous.
100 points, ended May 1, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Any comments? This is my first novel and my rough draft. I could use all the help I can get!
Comments
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I must first say that I like how you describe, and that the emotions you convey are really well done. Good job on both of those.
I would, however, suggest more of a reason than what you have written in paragraph 29, unless you indicate she is quite...full of herself.
Also, in introducing your main character, trying to state her first and last name in the beginning. The reader hasn't been acquainted yet, after all.
When you use "Earl" and "King," be sure that you capitalize only when a name or something else follows (King George; King of Calovia). If a name doesn't follow, keep it lowercase.
Par 7: most sophisticated tones [tone]
Also, you use their names too frequently. Try for some pronouns.
Par 20: avoid spelling words like 'soooo'
Par 21: "Yes he is indeed." echoed Emilie. ['Yes he is indeed," echoed Emilie. - Use the ," when the word follows isn't capitalized.]
I further notice that you only use about one sense: sight. Don't forget to use the other four.
I am enjoying this and am wondering about the revolutionary. I can't wait to see what she has up her sleeve next. I will continue reading and I hope that this comment has given you some help.
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Paragraph 7 reminded me (for some reason) of Jubilee by Margaret Walker...
It seems as though you've got a mix of periods. I'm getting an odd vibe of American Civil War and much previous times combined, sort of like Scarlett Johanson meets Marie Antoinette (actually that would be an excellent collaboration).
I agree with those below so I won't bore you with repetition. Though I would like to say that I very much enjoy your characters here. -
JMHO but the young King is on the verge of loosing the loveliest lady in the kingdom,
Hello Kariana,
This is an interesting, fantasy-like beginning to a delightful romantic tale
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JMHO but the young King is on the verge of loosing the loveliest lady in the kingdom, (according to herself
) to a young, attractive revolutionary. Aha 
the lawless bad boys, trying to right society’s wrongs, are always so appealing to fairest of the maidens.
Your writing is clear, the plot moves along nicely without feeling rushed, and the characters are visible.
Only one thing you should consider doing, put a paragraph or two at the opening to allow the reader entrance into the time and place of your novel. Don’t depend on the book cover or introduction to do this.
You might take a look at a few things I found;
Monique gazed at her own reflection in the mirror appraisingly. Perhaps the king would even condescend to dance with her as he had (at the) last ball...
A knock sounded at her door. "Come in (,)" she called in her most sophisticated tones.
"He is sooo handsome (,) " cooed Christine. 9
"Yes(,) " said Christine, "I was on my balcony last night and I saw him being driven over the drawbridge in a wooden cart.
Her gown, of the latest fashion that she herself had designed, was( of) a dark green velvet trimmed with gold. 16
Geri
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Oh, your in the contest too. As co-runner of Phoenix's contest, I'd like to say I read this for that too, and everything I said below applies to this commetn too. THank you.
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I don't really read romance very often, but this seems all right. It is a little rushed. WHen Emilie and Christine came in, they just barged in, siad there was a handsome revolutionary, then left and Monique suddenly decides to spy on him. Maybe you could strech it out a bit, tell us more about her and her social standings. Before we focus on her trying to get info on the Revolutionary, display what an eligible lady she is. Maybe wait a day or two and have someone confess their love to her, or have her goto a different dance or ball or something, before the masque, to display her additiude towards theworld and others, and maybe tell us about her faimly adn up bringing? What were they like? That's just what I think, with my unprofessional opinion. I did like it, and when the "Novels only" reading list is cleared, and you post the next one, I will read it.
Thank you
-Savannah
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Is that better?
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Well, Monique does seem a bit really airheaded..I wonder how the revolutionary will fall in love with her..but this is not as cliched as I thought it would be...
My rating-96/100
You could expand this a bit more when you have the time..you have the potential to do so..
Cheers, and best of luck in writing this!
FL
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Thank You
Great discription! Thank you for entering my contest. I cannot find anything wrong with it.
Your rating: 95 out of 100
Ratings can change. But this is the last until the judging. Thank you
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good story
I like Monique's spunkiness. She reminds me of a Bertrice Small character. I don't think you've mentioned how old Monique is yet. I would guess she was about 15 or 16.
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I think I actually made her 19 later in the story but i might change that since shes so immature.
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This is very well writen. Your main character (I won't even try to spell her name) is very shallow, selfish, and lacks depth but I am assuming (or hoping) that through the novel you progress her character. I wish you the best of luck on your first novel, I'm working on my first possibly completable novel as well (I made it to chapter six without abandoning it so that's further then my privous attempts). Thank you for entering my conteest and good luck.
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Most of the main edits I'd suggest have already been mentioned by other folks, so just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading this piece and look forward to part 2. I -did- find Monique a bit annoying, but I think she's rather intended to be at this point. At any rate, she was annoying in such a fashion that I want to find out what happens to her next - it wasn't too off-putting =) Hoping for some character development down the road, though.
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This was absolutely delightful to read! You did an excellent job with description and dialogue. You painted a nice vivid picture of the surroundings, as well as the appearance and personality of you character.
I loved that you gave her such personality! Feisty, a little conniving, very self-serving...but I'm sure she will go through a bit of character development along the way.
A couple editing suggestions:
P3.... She would get asked to dance far more than any of them.
-- Perhaps change this from 'get asked' to 'be asked'?
P 9....."He is sooo handsome" cooed Christine.
-- There should be a comma after 'handsome'.
This was really well done! I quite enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your chapters. Keep up the great work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Nice...
This is very interesting with much personality. Already, I want to continue...discover what's next.
Great job!(:
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It would sound better if you said 'create a sensation' instead of 'make a sensation', in the first paragraph.
Apart from that, I think this is a very interesting story and I personally love stories from this particular time era! ^_^
You're very good at getting your readers to hate certain characters. I only got to the second paragraph and I already wanted to smash Monique over the head with a rolling pin.
Excuse me for expressing my desire to abuse, and possibly seriously maim your character, but she really is quite shallow and annoying. What you wanted I suppose XD
Great story, I'll certainly continue reading (you've got me hooked).
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thank you for your comment. Of course One of the main themes of the novel is how Monique acquires some depth of character. But she is horribly annoying right now, I know.
If you have any ideas or critiquing go right ahead--you can't hurt my feelings!
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Oops!
I gave you three applause but they haven't shown up!
I'll try again.
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Intriguing!
This is indeed an intriguing beginning to what looks to be an interesting story.
The descriptions are good and Monique is now set in my mind's eye. You didn't give any description of Christine or Emilie so I assume they are only minor characters, unless you're going to describe them later in the story.
I would like to suggest that you place Monique's thoughts in single quotation marks as follows:
'How am I to find out anything about this revolutionary?' she thought.
The reason being that the reader could become confused as to whether she is talking or thinking if you use full quotation marks for both speech and thought. If she is thinking out loud, then by all means use the full quotation marks but let the reader know she is thinking out loud.
I am not sure what century you have set this in. It seems to be around about the 16th/17th century and if this is so then you need to re-think one of Monique's thoughts from para 16. The word 'twit' was not in use in those days as it is a 20th century idiom. May I suggest something like buffoon/halfwit/clown/nincompoop.
The story reads very well until para 15. I don't think you need the word 'herself' because there can't be anyone else she sees in the mirror. The descriprtions of her eyes and skin begin with those features yet when you describe her hair you describe the color and texture before the noun unlike the other two features. I believe you need to let the reader know what material the gown is made out of as all that is known are the colors. I would re-write it something like the following example:
Suddenly she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Bright green eyes; smooth, flawless creamy skin; shining, lustrous dark hair piled high, studded with diamonds and pearls. A golden silk scarf partially covered the glittering adornments. Her (silk/satin or whatever) gown, designed by herself, was of the latest fashion. The color of dark green was enhanced with gold trimming.
Sorry if I'm getting carried away for this is your story and it is up to you how you write.
I see you have already posted Chapter two which I will now take a look at. If it is as intriguing as this first Chapter then I know I will enjoy reading.
Good work and good luck.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I kind of intended it to be set in 16th century England--but I had to invent a new place because I have to mess with the history/politics. Should I give hints as to the time era?
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The actions of the servants and the gentry, as well as the mode of dress will be enough of a hint. Although using a fictitious court and fictitious circumstances, if it's being set in England then I would, somewhere in the story, have Monique or Sarah or one of your leading characters mention London. If you don't want to mess around with history/politics then set it in a fictitious country. Many writers have used this ploy. There is a crime series on UK TV at the moment set in the non-existant county of Midsomer which is 'somewhere in England'.
At the moment your story reminds me of 'The Scarlet Pimpernel' and 'The Tale Of Two Cities' - two of the best (in my humble opinion) stories ever written.
Hope that helps.
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wow thanks you are such an amazing help!!
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You're welcome
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This is so great! It's really hooking and I like the character of Monique I love how you expressed how she knew everything before everyone else many times, but said it differently each time. It was very good! I'll read chapter 2 when I have time...
*KT*
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the emotions show are very strong it built up some suspense, twas very good
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delightful!!
Love the personality of Monique! Hilarious, can't wait to read more.
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i love ittt
i absolutely adore fun reads like this, and this period- it's just my thing. the novel that i'm working on is during the 1800s
i just love juicy scandal stories and tales of courting and love- and you can't help but like an overly conceited character with a good sense of humor. one thing i want to say, although i have no problem with it, some history buffs will probaly say that your story does not seem to coincide with hostorical detail. that charcaters didnt act that way during this time, talk that way, blah blah...
in my opinion, the story is still very good. but since you are doing a period piece, you might want to research a little about the era. i know that for my story, i had to do a LOT of research. you need to make the story believable for that time- set the scene, you know? i had to lok up not only names, but settings, the daily life style, common phrases, dialogue and stuff like that. historical fiction is hard work to write, but in my opinion, its the best genre (ecspecially when theres romance-or rather only when theres romance) and well worth the effort. i enjoyed this read greatly, and if you need any more help just send me a message or something i'll be happy to help!
xoxo
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