Hope Eternal (A Memoir)

Sometimes people come into our lives, and we know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, or to teach us a lesson and to help us figure out who we are or what we want to become.  We don’t know who that person really is until we make eye contact. At that very moment, we realize that they are going to affect our life in some profound way. They make us realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing ever seems to happen by chance; it is either for good fortune or bad luck. The people who affect our life and the successes and downfalls that we experience are the ones who create who we are.  1

The bad experiences that can be learned from those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones. If someone hurts us, betrays us, or breaks our heart, forgive them; for they have helped us learn about trust and the importance of being cautious in whom we open our heart to. If someone loves us, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love us, but because they are teaching us to love and to open our heart and eyes to things we would have never seen or felt without them. Make every day count.  Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for we will never be able to experience it again. Talk to people to whom you have never talked before, and actually listen to them. Let each one of us fall in love again, sometimes only to break free and set our sights high. When your heart is broken, hold your head up high; because you have every right to. Tell yourself that you are a great individual and that you believe in yourself; for if we don't believe in yourself, then no one else will believe in you either. We can make of our life anything that we wish. Create your own vision for life, and then go out and live it. These are a few lessons Maleen had taught me.2

:......................................................................:3

:......................................................................:4

I remember when I was about four years old and I met Maleen. I was sitting all alone on the side bench during playtime when I saw and heard a big, blue eyed girl saying, “Hey you! What’s wong?” I did not answer her question and ignored her. Then she asked me the same question over again, but this time she sat next to me and kept staring at me I looked at her, and she was imitating me. It was her way of making me laugh, but I didn’t want to laugh. 5

Then after a while she asked, “Are you gonna’ temme what’s wrong with you or no?”6

I looked at her “No, I’m not tellin’ you,” but she kept staring at me, waiting for an answer.7

“I know those boies ova there made fun of you.”8

“Well, that’s not why I’m sitting here, I dun (don’t) even care whot they say; they are stupit.”9

“Yea! Boies are shtupit. They are crazy, too; and they shtink, hehehehe.”  We started laughing at the boys.10

“Do you wan’ me to punch them if you were sad ‘cuz of ‘em?”11

I looked at her with a smile. “I’m not sad cuz of ‘em it’s just… my friend, Kawal, is not playing with me, she found some new friends and they are more fun than me.”12

“I’ll play with you,” she said with a big comforting smile.13

Then the bell rang, and we went back to our classrooms. All during playtime she talked to me; and silly me, I never even asked her name. Maleen always made me laugh when I was sad, played with me when I was alone. We soon became very good friend. 14

:......................................................................:15

:......................................................................:16

Then when I was six, I changed schools and went to Crescent Model High Secondary School (Girls Section). It was a new beginning for me. I wanted to change everything; Kawal also changed schools, and I never heard from her again. I was in first grade, and I was one of the big kids now. I was so happy that I was a first grader; but when I went there, I realized that being a first grader wasn’t easy. I was behind in my class, I used to act like a little, six year old, ignorant girl; and every other girl in my class was a lot mature than I was. They knew how to write well, and they also knew how to solve math problems; and what did I know? I knew nothing but English and Urdu alphabets, counting one through hundred and drawing. Oh no! I wasn’t good at drawing things, either; my teacher thought that my drawings were stupid and that I didn’t follow directions. 17

My first week at school was really hard, but, I was trying to adjust. Then one day my teacher yelled at me in front of the whole class, calling me names; and everyone in the class laughed at me. I left the classroom crying and sat in the dark, lonely corner and cried. Then Maleen showed up (at that time I still didn’t know her name). 18

Astonished, I said, “Hey! What are you doing here?”19

She smiled. “Don’ you know I’m also in the shame shkool? I shaw you comin’ here. Why? What happened?” I looked at her with tear-filled eyes and told her the whole story. She started laughing.20

“You’re not any of dose name naw are you?”21

“No.”22

“Den why cry over shomefin’ your teacher shed? She doesn’t know you? Naw me, I know you. And I can shay you’re crazy enough to believe whot people shay about you.” She started giggling.23

“You’re not making me feel betta.”24

“Well! Tell u shomefin’. My grandma told me dun let anyone put u down by whot they shay and dun let bad fings overcome you. You have to be patent (patient), and they will pass; and if you need help, dun’ heshitate to ask.” 25

At that very moment I remembered that’s what Ummie (my grandmother) had told me. I soaked up my tears and washed my face. Then I bade farewell to Maleen and went to my classroom.26

Maleen always knew when to throw me a lifeline whenever I was sad or when I gave up on my self. She always gave me advices that only an adult would give me. Afterwards, when I used to think about what Maleen said, I realized that Ummie had told me the same things as well. It was pretty strange and I used to wonder why I saw Maleen whenever I was sad and alone. The odd part was that I never knew her name, and I called her my best friend. Every time I thought, “If I see her this time I’m going to ask her name;” but every time she met me, I was depressed and never remembered to ask her name. Whenever people asked me who my best friend was, I used to make up random names. 27

:......................................................................:28

:......................................................................:29

Then I started sixth grade, and my studies started to get harder and harder. I stopped worrying about what other people said or did. I guess I was too busy to care or think about what they said. My main goal was to concentrate on my studies and get good grades. I used to come home from school, then do my homework and get ready for tuition. I hardly got a chance to meet Maleen or talk to her. At night I used to be so tired that I hardly got a chance to think. 30

:......................................................................:31

:......................................................................:32

As soon as I went to tenth grade, my life got even tougher. It was my final year in school. To get to college after that meant that I had to pass my Metric Board Examination. However, I was failing Social Studies, Urdu and Islamic Studies; I was average in rest of the subjects. There was only a rare chance for me to pass.  I tried really hard, but my teachers started to torment me; and the situation got worse. I used to cry every day. I didn’t want to go to school. My whole family was upset, because when I told them about my teachers, there were already some family issues going on. I guess my problems aggravated them. My mom called my dad in America. He was also facing some problems, because he just moved to Massachusetts. My uncle, also my dad’s business partner, had to go to Canada. My dad was running the store alone; and owing to the September 11 issue, he wasn’t able to find someone else to fill in for my uncle. He had to work alone. When my mom told him about my problems, the situation got worse. No one knew what was going to happen. 33

Then one day when I was crying, Maleen came to me. She had grown up; and her big, blue eyes were even more beautiful. She looked at me and smiled. 34

“Long time no see. How are you?”35

“Not good! Why is that every time I see you I’m never good!”36

“Well, because you don’t need me when you’re happy, I guess.”37

“But I do need you.”38

“Well…any ways… just wanted to remind you of something.”39

“What?”40

“Remember what Ummie told you when you gave up on you’re seventh grade examination?”41

“No! What did she said?”42

“Well… she told you don’t ever let go of hope. ‘It gives you strength to keep going on, and when ever you feel like giving up doesn’t quit keep believing yourself. As long as you believe you will always have a reason for trying… Don’t let anyone control your happiness they determine the richness of our lives…Don’t let bad moments over come you be patient and they will pass...’”43

She reminded me of the things my grandma told my three years ago. I smiled. 44

“Yeah! I remember that I’m sorry I had to make you remind me of those true things.”45

“That’s okay; I just thought you might need to remember that. Hey! By the way you forgot the golden rule of our friendship!”46

There is no “’Sorry’” and “’Thank you’” between friends, we both said in one voice. 47

:......................................................................:48

:......................................................................:49

After that night, I started working harder than ever; and when I finally adjusted to the situation my mom told me that we were going to United States the next Friday. I didn’t know what to tell her. I was confused; everything I did started to go back to the way it was. Then Ummie told me to leave the situation in Allah’s hands and that He’ll do what ever is good for us.  I did, and we came to America. I never wanted to come to USA, but I guess whatever change occurs is good for us. The new school was like a school in heaven. I wasn’t average any more, the teachers were nice to me and I didn’t care much about the students. My first year in the United States was great, except for the fact that I was away from my family, friends and everything else that I loved. 50

I never got along with my mother. I used to stick with Ummie all the time, excluding the time that I was at school.  When I came here, there was a World War between my mom and me everyday. I used to meet Maleen every night.  One day, when I was writing a poem while crying, she came in. 51

“Hey! Watcha doin’’?”52

“Eh… nothing’ what eva it is I don’t want you to see.”53

“Why not? I am your friend you know.”54

“Yeah I know! But still…”55

“Still what?”56

“No I don’t want you to see it; it’s not about me.”57

She snatched the paper from my hand. 58

“Well, who is it about then…”59

“People you might know I guess or how u felt.”60

“Ha ha ha… ok fine what eva lemme read it.”61

So, she read the poem and thought thatI needed psychological help. 62

:......................................................................:63

:......................................................................:64

Frozen tears cutting deep into my soul, 65

and many are weeping for you.66

Cut them down into a bundle of flowers, 67

and place them where they will shine so bright, 68

where they will reflect a colorful shower 69

lit by the early morning light.70

In the garden of sadness I must walk, 71

only if it shadows your beauty.72

The moon will bear witness to my sorrow, 73

where the stars among each other will talk; 74

and a cold drop will fall upon my cheek, 75

the drop of love for you I keep.76

If by the river of love I am to stand, 77

watching the waters of passion run by me, 78

to put my longing hand inside the stream79

And wonder if one day I will be.80

Or will the waters freeze me over?81

My heart in fear and longing scream.82

Inside your garden, your circle of love, 83

is there a place for me to stay?84

Or will you take to the blue sky like a dove, 85

flying from me, far and away.86

Never looking down at me alone87

or the tree where my heart is shattered.88

Will you come down and rest upon the ground,89

beneath my shadow of lonely branches thinly spread,90

and feed yourself on the garland of tears?91

The leaves of my heart have fallen down to expose92

a heart and soul naked to worldly fears93

without your touch and love, no fruit to bear. 94

The need so strong within these halls of sorrow, 95

a river runs dry and the ground laid barren, 96

emotion frozen and grown in a faraway place.97

If I beg and am able for a second to borrow98

just one drop of your love to spill on my bed,99

for one leaf to grow, one single seed to spread.100

Another day without your beauty in my place,101

one more night without your untouched grace,102

the moon did not spill her smile upon my sheet,103

for hearts in a long time did not meet,104

there are no recent remains of love upon my bed.105

This river is dry; this soul is dead. 106

:......................................................................:107

:......................................................................:108

I guess that poem was very depressing. I was just playing around with different quotes that I read in a quotation book; and I recently learned how to write poems, so I thought that it was a great way to practice. Moreover, I haven’t been in love yet, and I didn’t know how it felt’s I took other people’s feelings and put them into my own words. I never thought that they might make me feel depressed or a like person whose heart have been broken. 109

That summer my dad sent me back to Pakistan so that I could spend my vacations with my family and bring Ummie to America with me. Everything was fine from that day on. I used to see Maleen every day, and I wasn’t even sad or depressed. Well… that was when I started my school year, and then I started having migraines. My doctor said that the migraines were because of stress and that I was having something called cluster headaches; she recommended a psychologist. I went there for headache counseling, but she drove me crazy with her questions; so I quit going there. When Maleen showed up, I told her that she was wrong about me seeing a psychologist. 110

“She gets on my nerves, you were so wrong about seeing a psychologist,” I said.111

“Hey at that time you needed one, did u saw what you wrote when you were depressed -ended a nice poem with a sad ending,” she replied with a giggle.112

“Oh well! I don’t care like I’m gonna’ publish it,” I told her.113

Then I got better and my migraine became occasional. 114

:......................................................................:115

:......................................................................:116

Then after a long time, she showed up on a day when I was sick and I had a fight with my family. 117

“Hey! Can I ask you something?”118

“Yeah! Go ahead you can ask me anything you want.”119

“How come I don’t know your name?”120

“Well I thought you knew. ”121

“You did? Well I don’t know your name! ”122

“Yes you do!”123

“Do I?”124

“Yeah! It’s Maleen”125

“Are you kidding me? That’s my online alias!”126

“Yeah exactly I am a part of you.” And she disappeared.127

That’s the last time I saw her. At that time I realized, Maleen is my life, my heart, my soul, my essence… I am her body. She reminded me of things that Ummie told me about life. She reminds me how to live my life to the fullest. She is not an imaginary friend; she’s a part of me in the form of Ummie’s words. She learns and looks at all sides of the things that happens to me and informs me of the positive side of life when I am about to give up. She is the only person who understood me who helped me get out of the difficult situations in my life. She is my eternal friend, and I know that she will stay with me wherever I go whenever I need her. We still have lots to learn as life goes on.  She was the person who gave me the better of the two choices; held my hand when I was scared, helped me fight off those who try to take advantage of me, thought of me at times when I was not there, reminded me of what I have forgotten, help me put the past behind me but understands when I need to hold on to it a little longer, stayed with me so that I have confidence, went out of her way to make time for me, helped me clear up my mistakes, helped me deal with pressure from others, smiled for me when she was sad, helped me become a better person, and most importantly loved me! 128

:......................................................................:129

:......................................................................:130

Epilogue:131

After reading this, you might think that I am a selfish person who wrote about herself or about her imaginary friend; but actually this is my way of telling you about my grandmother, whom I love dearly. Also, I wanted to publicly thank her for being my guardian angel, for telling me how to live my life to the fullest and for showing me how to solve my own problems. She told me the truth about life. My thoughts in the form of Maleen reminded me of those true facts and guided me. She taught me that if I look at my life in a positive way I can do anything that I want. I know that I cannot stop events that are going to occur, but I sure can change the result of it. I still have plenty to learn in my long life ahead, and that I hope Ummie’s words stay with me forever.132

:......................................................................:133

:......................................................................:134