Beasts Build a Colossus Column in Astrid, Antarctica

After August an abundance of animals accumulated at the abandon land of Astrid, Antarctica. Before these babbling beasts besieged this barren land, they had bumbled blindly but blissfully in the scattered places of their birth. Convinced though, that an otherworldly voice was calling them to converge and collectively cooperate in order to construct a colossus column, they congregated in Astrid to fulfill their cosmic contractual obligation. Day in and day out these deranged animals dragged giant chunks of debris from around the world and started dispatching them into a dysfunctional pile in Astrid Antarctica. 1

Elephants emerged from Africa, tramping first through Egypt, disassembled the great pyramids, and dragged them through the Red Sea, out the Gulf of Aden, and across the Indian Ocean. Florescent pink flamingos perched on the backs of the elephants and helped strap the fractioned pieces of the former pyramids to the elephants’ tails. 2

Giant tortoises from the Galapagos Islands overran the Ecuadorian government, and joined a large number of gold fish, goats, and geese that had collected in the city Guayaquil, and then headed off to Brazil. Having reached Brazil, they joined with all the animals from South America and Mexico and proceeded to hack apart the rainforest and set it afloat across the Atlantic, toward Antarctica. 3

In a matter of months this teetering pile of broken items and random materials in Astrid Antarctica expanded to the incomparable height of 29,030 feet; one foot taller than Mount Everest.4

...5

Just as the one last egg carton was jiggled into place by a couple jumpy jackrabbits though, the top third of the so called “column” collapsed over onto the ground, causing the millions of varied animals to let out a cacophony of disappointment. Keeping to their contractual obligation these animals refused to give up though, and instead sent a couple kangaroos to convince more komodo dragons to join their cause, as these giant reptiles were indeed the best architects around.6

Listening to the pleas of the kangaroos, these large lizards agreed to lend their expertise on one condition; that all humans must be either eliminated, or lobotomized. Man had been the only animal that had remained deaf to the otherworldly voice demanding that a magnificent column be built in Antarctica, and this inability to properly hear had made all the animals very nervous; it showed that humans were either evil, or very dumb. Never had animals held man in very high regard before, and as there was something very wrong with them anyway, they had no problem agreeing with the dragon’s proposal.7

Over the next couple weeks the pale, obstinate and deaf creatures that referred to themselves as humans, were rounded up and deposited in the cities Magadan, Russia, on the coast of the sea of Okhatsk, Ophir, Alaska, and Burns, Oregon. Parrots were put in charge of lobotomizing the least violent people, while the rest were given to polar bears to be eaten or pulverized. Quicker than expected though, the humans became aware of the animals’ intentions, and reacted in a more intelligent and organized manner than anyone thought possible. 8

Retreating into a large number of metal, box like objects, the humans shut themselves inside and started fires underneath, then shot roaring into the sky. Soon the only people left on Earth were the couple hundred or so that the animals had managed to lobotomize; the rest had disappeared into space, leaving only trails of sparks behind them. The animals watched in awe as the last couple rockets disappeared into the atmosphere and then looked at each other, finally realizing what they must do. Unless the otherworldly voice said otherwise, they must build the colossus column up, through the atmosphere, and follow the humans. 9

...10

Very much revitalized by their recent realization the parrots, polar bears, and kangaroos all voyaged back to Astrid, Antarctica, with velocity only comparable to the speed of the extinct Velociraptor. When they reached Astrid they found that the komodo dragons were in no way upset by their failure to exterminate the human race, and had already drawn up detailed architectural designs for the column. Xylocarps and artic berries were soon dispersed throughout the crowd in celebration; for the first time it seemed, all the animals knew what to do, and how to do it; they had their hope back. 11

...12

Years passed as the animals collected the needed materials and cleared out the mountain of trash that marked their first attempt at building the column; soon though, the dragons’ tower began rise. Zigzagging into the sky, massive beams supporting it on every side, the animals soon realized the words ‘colossus’ and ‘magnificent’ vastly understated the mounting column’s grandness. Yearning to finish, to reach the top of the sky and step above it; to see where the humans had disappeared to, they worked faster. Xenops, birds with extreme xenophobia; who had previously remained hidden and refused to help, even struck up the courage and motivation to fly around and around the tower and help tie knots.13

When the tower rose to over 30,000 feet though, the animals received a wicked surprise. Vultures were directing some birds and bats building at the very top of the column when a number of sparrows fell unconscious and tumbled dead to the ground with no apparent cause.14

Uneasily the animals on the ground approached the motionless birds and stared at them in shock. Tortoises from Tibet though, were fortunately able to pinpoint the cause of the sparrow’s ill-fated demise. So tall had this superb spire stretched, that oxygen was no longer able to reach its present summit, causing the species that reached to top to suffocate. Responding with remorse the komodo dragons leading the project recalled their reliable recruits from the revered column and set to work renovating their design. 15

... 16

Quoting a famous serpent queen, Quintessa Quinn, a motivational quail tried to quell animals’ despair and called out, “Those who try to quit at every obstacle will only ever go in circles!”
“Please, the quail begged, we have promised the otherworldly voice that we will finish this column; if we let this petit problem prevent our production of this project from proceeding, we will have failed!”17

Of course, the outraged komodo dragons chose this opportune moment to shout out, “Alas, this mission, ordered so unfairly onto us by the otherworldly voice is overly impossible!”, and thus overcame any optimism that the motivational quail had managed to arouse. Never had such a negative mood grasped these animals so; they craned their necks and stared regretfully up at the seemingly never-ending tower and tried to understand this nauseating news.18

“Maybe,” a couple of miserable and moronic muskrats from Malaysia managed to mutter, “we can move close to this magnificent monument and listen for the otherworldly voice to tell us what we must do.” 19

“Listen for the otherworldly voice!” a lurking leopard lashed out at the poor muskrats, “I for one am finished giving my loyalty to this lording voice, who gives us these, pointless, laughable tasks.” Kicking a couple cringing kittens on the way the keen leopard stalked off toward its homeland and was followed, shockingly, by the much needed komodo dragons.20

...21

Just as the tails of the komodo dragons disappeared into the distance, the otherworldly voice, who was actually just the roman god Jupiter, reached down and joined the air together into a tunnel of oxygen that enabled the remaining animals to continue building the tower up into the sky. 22

In no time at all the inspired animals managed to build the immense tower tall enough that the first couple creatures could scramble up into Olympus, the world of the gods. How happy the animals were when they saw the huge and heroic habitat unfold before them. Great, gleaming gold structures towered into the violet sky, and hills of green grass and blooming geraniums extended in every direction, as far as the eye could see.23

“Forgive me,” boomed the otherworldly voice, now visibly emerging from man with golden hair and green eyes, “for my mangled and fractioned messages, but us gods can only interfere with the physical world sparingly; to make you animals build the colossus column was the only way I could think to save you.” 24

Entranced by the god’s emerald eyes, the only animal who could speak was the even-headed eagle, who enquired of the god what he meant to save them from. 25

“Do wait,” Jupiter demanded, “and you will soon see,” he gestured down at the tunnel, where the last couple animals were emerging, and where the planet Earth was visible, spread out beneath them. Crammed around the tunnel opening the animals concentrated, obviously waiting for some catastrophe to strike their planet. Before five minutes had passed Earth brusquely rippled and bubbled into a broken ball of fire with a startling BOOM, and a brief blinding blaze.26

After the animals’ eyes adjusted from the flash, all that was left of their former home was a drifting pile of debris, and they could not help feeling sorry for the poor lobotomized humans that they had left behind.27