Footprints on the Desert sky

After Marissa's innocence spilled into the nighttime sky like fireworks exploding among the stars; she sat alone and cried for how empty she was. Behind her the red rock rose into the dark sky, bracing her body as she leaned against the rough edges. Catching her breath she wiped away the makeup crowding her green eyes with her knuckles, staining her skin with black smudges of sorrow. Despite her best efforts, the mascara left sticky trails down her face that only branded her shame. 1

Examining herself, she smoothed out her shirt and tried to pull hem of it down to cover the gap of skin before her shorts; she rubbed her shoulders bare to the sun except for pink spaghetti straps as she wished she could cover herself so she wouldn't feel so vulnerable. Fingers of soft hands at had peeled back the layers protecting her skin, and pulled her shirt away from her stomach as the moon watched. Gathered in his arms she had been warm against his passion infused skin, and she had felt ready. Hearts pounding side by side, the pieces had seemed to come together in a way that made her feel invincible. It didn't matter anymore all her reasons against it and the way being pregnant would ruin all her dreams; they just slowly slipped out of her mind.2

Joined together as one being temporarily, instead of feeling connected intimately as even as his arms wrapped around her waist and held her tight, she had felt completely alone. Keeping her eyes closed tight, her eyelashes brushing her cheeks with dark specks, she buried her head on his shoulder and tried to stop the sobs threatening to cartwheel out of her lungs.3

Liking Jake had been easy like falling into a familiar pattern of their childhood; one of running outside at the first rain to dance in it, and of camping out on summer nights staring at the moon except he would kiss her as the rain soaked them or put his arm around her as they stargazed- it was loving him that was hard. Making herself smile and hold her head up high knowing everyone was talking about her sister in the halls was enough of a battle within her soul, which just built up the walls between loving anyone by the time she was ready to be in love. Not running far away while he held her after Kate’s suicide was like forcing herself to not wince as someone poured rubbing alcohol on a skinned knee; because just she had taken the baby steps towards falling for him- she lost Kate. 4

Obstinately she pushed towards her dreams and aspirations convinced they were all she had left and that if she could reach them they would give her wings to get out and run from the memories of being Kate’s sister. Pulling away from classmates and teachers was easy- they weren’t quick to approach her; just quick to pity and expect her to not want any one around-it was filling the void that was hardest, finding a way to be numb, to not feel the pain ripping fissures in her heart. Quietly she tried to force herself to disappear until she was a shadow slipping way from humanity but Jake held tight as the world pushed her away. 5

Running through her veins was the same blood that ceased to beat in her sister’s heart. Sunrise crept up on her sitting alone at the top of the canyon as she wondered whether her sister could see her now. Turning away from Jake she had asked him to let her be so she could think and she had scrambled over the sharp edges, deeper into the rocky desert. Up into the arroyo she climbed, and not until she could no longer hear his footsteps did she turn back knowing he would make it too easy to just go back home with him and continue her life the way it had been.6

Vanishing from the world was harder than she thought it would be because even alone with no one around her, she couldn’t vanish from herself -glancing up to the sky she stopped and stared at the colors she saw. Xanthic, emerald and fuchsia painted the clouds hanging below the sun in the desert sky and it reminded her of Kate because it was the color of the sparks in her eyes when she fought for something or someone she cared about. Younger than Marissa by minutes, Kate was the fire and soul that made the twins invincible- the force that was a legend in Valyermo because she wasn’t afraid of anything. Zealous and devoted to the causes she championed Kate trusted anyone and everyone in contrast to Marissa whose voice was loud to cover up her inability to trust anyone. 7

Yet she, Marissa was the one sitting here back against the rocks rising into the sky barely holding herself together but still alive. Xanthic skies rose above her head and she questioned that even if Kate was hurting, even if someone had broken her down- why didn’t Kate have enough fire left to fight leaving Marissa behind? While her thoughts spun in a whirlpool of emotion, a breeze of light air crept into the crevices between Marissa’s clothes and her skin and pushed away the pain leaking to the surface of her body like heat waves rise from the desert ground in the middle of summer. Vulnerability didn’t come easy to Marissa- her instinct was to push away and stop thinking about thoughts that hit home. 8

Unable to see the life around her- caught up in the shards of pain that she had yet to bleed out through tears- she barely saw out of the corner of her eye the way the light shined on the uneven desert rocks showing another facet of their mass- almost seeming to give them a new beginning in the early morning. The clumps of fur creeping out into the light from ledges along the sloping canyon sniffed the air and breathed in the brief lapse of time before the sun grew hot enough to burn any living creature silly enough to be out in the open. She felt empty because her habit of holding in her grief had finally pushed her to bursting and all it had taken was the emotional high tide of being loved. Realizing that even if she never knew why Kate was gone- even if she never knew what had made her legendary sister ache so bad to numb the pain with her own life- Marissa stared at her wrist and saw the silver bracelet hanging from her wrist that had never been seen off Kate’s wrist she knew that Kate would never truly leave their world because by her whispered promises and her easy smiles she had helped define who Marissa is. 9


Quickly she got up and started walking down the path, opening her eyes and just seeing everything around her- the magic in the way the desert still lived on despite the sorrow that existed in the world. Painted skies full of scarlet fires and xanthic and emerald shades contrast the animals only able to forage and be unhidden for a couple hours each day. 10

Noticing the beauty that exists amidst the harsh atmosphere that is full of life and death and pain and euphoria- Marissa understood that that is the reality of the desert. Opening her eyes in a way she never had before, she saw the barren images that were attached in many minds to the dream of freedom. Marissa stood at the edge of the canyon staring down at the brush accenting the brown rock trying to comprehend why her sister never came here. Losing her balance she reached out and grabbed the rough slab of boulder next to her but as she stumbled she stubbed her toe on a rock- cursing. Kneeling on the fragments of the canyon cut away by the wind and rain- the dirt and pebbles created little cuts in her knees but she barely noticed the pain. Just then she heard footsteps behind her, she turned around snapped out of her reverie, to see Jake picking his way along the thorns of the manzanita bushes and the football sized rocks. 11

Instead of explaining why he was there or how he was there, silently without looking at her he sat down next to her. He was close enough that they didn’t have to touch if she didn’t want to but close enough that he could reach out to her and reconnect her to reality. Grateful to Jake for caring enough to watch over her but unable to break the silence she watched the little bugs crawl over the rocks so determined to live their hopless lives and the way the light shined on the ground, not understanding how she could see so much of her sister in this place even though her twin was buried deep beneath them. 12

Finally, while her fingers played with the bracelet on her wrist- not really thinking but remembering how much stronger and confident she felt just by wearing Kate’s- she looked at Jake and broke the silence.13

“Everywhere I look- I see her. I see her fire in the sky- I see her in the legends of this place but still she never came here maybe if she had something would have tipped the balance and she might still be here.”14

“Don’t know if that’s true- maybe she never needed to come here or maybe she didn’t want to take it from you”, he looked up at the sun squinting noticing that it was rising high overhead. 15

Carefully he stood up and reached a hand out to her knowing they need to start going back or they would roast in the heat. 16

“But the desert mirrors her in so many ways- I just wish she could have seen what we all did- but maybe it just means that I can always come back here and find her because she lives on.”17

As she stood up holding on to him- she looked back and realized that she didn’t have to lose Kate because every time she came back and every time she thought of who she had become- she could find her again- Kate's footprints had marked Marissa so she'd always be connected to her twin. 18