TiTleD

People and time seems to fall and blow away with all the memories, yet I still walk on a sandy beach. I am walking now on that sandy beach in a white dress, no wind blows and the water is still. Suddenly wind blows, fate takes control, sending a leaf flying by on the beach. I chase in a way that no one would for such a small thing, but in this bleak world, it is the only life that I now so want to cling to.1

Sadly, fate turns again and the wind blows anew. The leaf, so peacefully flying along, goes into the setting sun and rising moon both having been connected by the still water. I watch, following the leaf with my tear-filled eyes, it was my only hope. The water, that was always so still, moves unnoticed… The tide goes up and down closer and closer to my pale feet on the beach, just a few feet away. My eyes are averted to the leaf dancing in the rays of the sun, not noticing that the water is at my feet…2

It drags me in, the evil tide, throwing and tossing me around in the darkness. I go deeper and deeper into the dark world of the once still water. My white dress is the only light in this world…3

Rocks with jagged teeth start to surround me with hunger. The dark liquid pulls and pushes me into them, pain blooms and fades like flowers in the spring and winter. I become numb, it’s all red now. I am fading away into the water’s graveyard: into my coffin. I was always afraid of the water; I always stayed on the beach for safety and peace, afraid of falling into darkness. Never darkness, it hurt too much.4

My white dress is ripped apart from the rocks and a small piece floats off into the never-ending darkness. The pale white cloth glows in the dark, my dimming eyes watch it dance like a butterfly in the pushing and pulling current of the darkness… Pale and white, the fabric grows bigger and bigger, it is too bright… I close my eyes5

Wh- Where am I?6

Falling into the deep blue sky where nothing survives. Nothing exists… Nothing lives… Ominous and ill-fated dark clouds begin to gather in the sky below me, wicked, tormented faces growls and snarls at me wanting nothing more than my soul. The wounds and pain had disappeared from the last nightmare, but this one seemed to want to give me more…7

The monsters’ faces became calmer and calmer; however, they did remain dark. Sad faces formed with shrieks and cries the pierce my ears, water rained down their faces falling towards me. The drops came closer and closer forming into sharp spears. Getting into a ball shape, I bent over shielding my head with my arms waiting, anticipating when they would fall on me.8

Nothing… No pain or blood… Looking between my arms, I see the spears falling all around me, the clouds were still screaming, but I hear nothing… The spears miss me like magic, the silence is numbing my eardrums, but I have a lurking sense that something will happen, that I am being sucked down…9

Pulled back down… Down to the water again… I fall like an apple from a tree. Faster… Faster… Closer… Closer… Toward the dark surface of the water, it holds a greater fear for me now. The spears turn into small droplets of water that glow with light; they begin to gather around me. Soon I was covered all around with the clean, glowing water. Protected by it as the dark surface of water comes closer.10

I hold no fear now of falling into the dark water! Spreading my arms and legs apart, closing my eyes and feeling the lash of chilled air in my face, I excitedly dive head first into the water. The surrounding flow of the water protecting me bubbles away and the room turns upside-down. I was not in the dark water. No, just in a dark room.11

The floor was cold on my feet and my dress had no warmth. I took in my surroundings, noticing that I was in a rectangular room with hanging lights all off but one. It let up one corner, where a figure sat, staring into the corner, arms around knees, rocking back and forth, muttering words that I can’t catch. I step quietly toward the person.12

Bent down… I reach my hand out… Touch its shoulder… And…13

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As I came closer to the figure, I heard what it was saying as it came out of its cracked, hoarse voice, “Help me, help me. Stop! Stop the pain!” I hesitated to touch the figure curling my fingers back, was it really hurt? I decided to help, but as I leaned downed to comfort the figure, it jumped up and clawed at me, shouting vile words. “Its you that done it! Your fault! I will kill you!” She pushed me, before I could wonder what was my fault, sending me backwards to the cold ground a few feet away My head giving off a horrible cracking sound, however that was the least of my problems. The figure was coming at me again… And this time, I knew who she was… Me….15

I was positive that this was me: the dirty-blond hair, imperfect nose, and the eyes… The eyes I remember seeing in my reflection, the eyes that seemed to have a lot of knowledge behind them, but also pain, so much pain! Even the state of mind and shredded dirty white dress, ton in places, didn’t take away from what I saw in her- no, my eyes. Nevertheless, the shock didn’t last long, as if I knew it was me the whole time, and- whatever it was, was still coming at me. I pushed my heels into the cold floor, using my hands, too. I was trying to ignore the thrumming pain from my scalp and get away fast enough, but it wasn’t fast enough. I stopped my pitiful escape and placed my hands over my face as a lost attempt to save myself, but no new pain came, only the continuing pain from my head. Black spots started to bloom in front of my eyes now, I tried to give the figure one last glance before the blackness took me to unconsciousness. It was back in the corner, just as before, whispering and rocking back and forth. The only difference was that the light above it was now flickering off and on, just like my eyes….16

I fell into a deep sleep, will I ever wake up?17

I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to open them after the cool blackness had swallowed me, even if I felt solid ground under my feet. I don’t know how the ground came to be under my feet, I hadn’t stood up- I think. I knew one thing though, I was standing in water that was halfway up my calf. I felt small ripples of water hitting them. The sense of water brought back the vision of the black water twisting and turning me into the rocks, that is what made me keep my eyes shut for so long. Of course, I wanted to leave the water and I didn’t know where to go to escape these hells! Why do I deserve them? How much longer were they going to last, how many more?! What awaits me when I open my eyes? So much to think about! So I did the only thing I could do: endure it, hope it will end, and… I open my eyes…18

The shock was the same as before, but the place was new; a small blue bathroom. I was standing in a full bathtub, the scene below me was what shocked me. A middle-aged woman was crying over something in the tub. But what was it? An equally elderly man ran into the room, the woman turns, shouting to the man, but I hear nothing, a dead silence again. My attention is on what the woman had been leaning over, which was exposed when the woman turned to shout at the man. I was shocked again and again, I wanted to run away screaming! Why was this happening?!19

It was me… In the bathtub… In a tub full of red water… Blood red water…20

I would have loved to have just jumped out of the tub and run away, if not for that my feet were planted where I stood just three feet away from the dying me. Drip… Drip… Drip… Where was this solitary sound coming from? I found the source after a moment of searching. A bloody knife was on the floor, right below a bloody wrist hanging over the edge of the tub. Droplets of blood flowed slowly onto the greedy blade from a fingertip. Blinking was harder to focus on, the room spun around. Slowly, I realized I was now in the wet arms of the woman, tears raced down her face, why was she crying? For me? How could this happen to me?21

Everything made sense now. The dream-like nightmares were just visions of things that were happening to me in reality; inside and outside my body.22

When everything was working food and fine; my mind, body, soul, and heart, I was safe walking along on my lonely, but lovely white beach.23

However, when the greedy blade of the knife cut my slim wrist, making my heart bloom in pain and agony. I was on my beach, so lovely and lonely as ever, when the “leaf” or blade came slowly followed by thick red blood, sending me into the dark water where, like my hear, there was pain and agony.24

Next, was my soul to feel the pain of my mistakes. Clouds showing tears and madness, yet quiet to everything else. My soul was the worst to suffer, but you really couldn’t tell from the outside… The anger of my mistakes and the sadness of dying without living for all the memories I haven’t had like silent faces in the sky.25

The horrible black room with the insane figure that was me, it was my mind failing to solve this problem when before it could solve anything throw at it. My mind was suffocating without the life of blood, like a flickering light. Off and on…26

Finally, me in the bathtub full of my blood with the woman and man… My body withering away like my mind… heart… and soul…27

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I came back just for one last moment. The sounds came back, slowly traveling from my ears to my mind, but when it did it was the sloshing of the water and the soft sobs of the woman- my mother, I realized. “No… No… Why?” she whispers between sobs. I try to turn to her and she seems to notice my small movement, she looks at me with a little flame of hope in her eyes. I feel guilty to have to ruin that small hope. But when she looks into m dead dim eyes, she knows that there is no hope for me. The flame dies out on its own.29

All I could say is, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would go this far. I’m truly sorry…” I faded away. My soul left my ruined body to never find another that fitted the same, to never find one at all. My face just lay on my mother’s arm, already stiff and pale as my heart stopped beating the soft melody I was so used to that it used to put me to bed at night. My mind cracked under the darkness of the small room, where my once true self had screamed and pleaded for help. After scars and tears at night, its now fading into a light that blinds…30

How did this happen?...31

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The world continued onward after death, the same nights and days, the same weeks and months till years melted away, too. Nothing was erased or changed from history when I died, but I was just a small part, just another tally in calculating teen suicides. My gravestone still marks where my cold dead body lays in the dark ground, where no sun can reach it. I was sick of this life and I thought I would just fade away, but me… I’m still Am! Just stranded in between the living and dead worlds. Screaming means nothing, no one hears or sees me, but still I try…33

“ I want to start over again! I want to be whole again! Help!”34

But forgetting and starting over never comes… No second chances…35

“ I screwed up, I messed up! Please help me! Help, help, help, help, help… “36