Abuse

All she can see again is the darkness that's filled with her every nightmare. She waits, waiting for the bad things to come. They don't. Time passes too slowly. She feels the doctors struggling to get her awake. The darkness is a good darkness this time. Why do they want to take her from it? This peaceful darkness, no demons this time. It keeps her away from what has become of her life with the padded walls and the maybe-just-a-little-too-nice nurse. They're not here. It's nice. But it won't last. Good things never last.
She can feel the pain in her wrist now. It's a cold-sting type pain. No. They are pulling her back. Why? She was happy for the first time since...since...HE left.
They are the vile of the Earth. The crazy ones, that WANT to live in a world where nine year olds make themselves sick to look "pretty" like the media say it looks like. No she had never been that type of girl although her mother wished it, to be the preppy girlie girl, like Mary-Kate and Ashley. No. She was the type of girl who had few but very close friends, where they all dressed in black. The ones society looked down at. She was the type of girl who didn't show her legs because there were too many hurtful scar that held memories. The scar shaped like a heart for the guy who broke her heart. The one that streaked her leg for the dad that cared more about his boat and how much beer he could drink then his own daughter. The one that wrapped her leg for the ones she never really got to say good bye to. Yes. That's the type of girl she is.
That's what landed her here with the maybe-a-little-too-nice nurse. A life that was just like the world, screwed up.
Now she could feel the pain in her stomach from weeks of not eating. Yes, she had been that type of girl. The one that was just a little too big. The one that never threw up but never really did eat. That was her. The pain traveled. Now to her head. She must have hit it when she fell to the floor from loss of blood.
How long had it taken them to figure out she wasn't really taking a shower? Did they even realize that she was gone? Probably not. She has always been the invisible one. That even if left in the room with one other person staring straight at her they would find the dot on the wall behind her much more interesting.
Except for him, he had always been her saving grace. The one that kept her going, that was there for her even when she couldn't always be there for him. But he had left. He left taking her heart with him. At least what was left of her tattered and beaten heart that was barely able to be held together with duck tape. Yes. She was glad he took it; she now was numb to the ones that hurt her. Just an empty shell that held a smile on her face to fool the Norms. She had given the rotten world lovers that name when she first came to Midland Mental Instuition. They tried making her like them and for awhile when he was still visiting she tried to be like them to. But his visits faded out and so did her act. Her smile faded, there was no more reason to act even if she wanted to she couldn't. The years she had acted had taken away the strength to. She was the weak helpless girl that her abuser, Jay, always told her not to be. She now saw it as a good thing. To not be under his control but the Norms thought that it was wrong. That she was the crazy one to be sad, in this type of world. She was the crazy one. Of course they would judge her like that. That's always the type of thing they did.....1

She awoke to the sound of the K.G. Beep. Beep. No doctors, yet. No padded walls. She looks down to see her wrist wrapped and tied down. She wonders what they thought about her handy work with the piece of tile she broke off the bathroom wall. She looks over to the chair where a loved one would sit awaiting for there sick or hurt loved one to wake up, but instead she finds a feeding tube which she figured they had shoved down her throat when they realized that her stomach was more then empty. With a couple chuckles to herself this brought her attention to the pain in her head. She feels some type of wrapping on it. The a-little-too-nice nurse walks in. The one from Midland Mental Intuition. She's here. The a-little-to-nice-nurse reaches for the IV and when she tried to scream for her to stop nothing came out. Damn she thought. SLAM! She was out again finding herself back in the old familiar darkness. The un-nice darkness. The one that haunts her. She's back there again...
She's back walking through the dark house from way back then. She remembers this time. Why couldn't she stop herself? She knew Jay was waiting on the other side of the door. She was drawn to do the same thing that happened that day. That horrible day when all her memories first started to disappear like a magic trick was being done. Her memories disappeared and the magician couldn't get the trick right to bring them back.
She was at the door now and she tried to prepare herself for what she knew was on the other side.
The garage was dark because the light had been burnt out. She knew it like the back of her hand. So she took a step forward and found what she was looking for...the soccer ball. She loved soccer at the time and now because of it she couldn't remember how her brother looked, or who was her best friend in 3rd grade. She hated soccer for drawing her in like that.
As she turn to head back into the house the door slams, and smash. The shovel connect with her head. She remembered that. That's one of the few things that she never would be able to forget no matter how much she wished she could. Why is it that i can only remember the bad stuff? She wondered for a quick moment before the dream took her attention away. She looks around. She can feel him grabbing her wrists in the bad darkness and dragging her back into the house. She remembered how he awoke her. Ice. The cold ice. All over her. Freezing every inch of her, but feeling good on the spot where the shovel impacted with scull. Awaking her just to tell her she was his. His and only his and that she better remember that. She did. For awhile.
"Don't let him get me!!!" She knew she was screaming that aloud in the real world too but she couldn't help it. Maybe the doctors would help her this time. Maybe.
She was being pulled away from this bad place she could feel it. He disappeared and it all went black again. "Doctor, she is just dreaming, it doesn't matter" The voice of the maybe-a-little-too-nice nurse said. "No. Awake her. If she is having a bad dream that can awake her from being sedated...then its a horrible dream. Wake her, it may be the reason why she is in Midland Mental Instuition. Don't force her to relive something she obviously does not want to relive Felicia" Oh what a sweet voice the doctor man had, she thought. Felicia, the one who was "forcing her to relive her most hated memories". She liked this doctor. He was different then the others.
"Doctor Basen. Carrie is a mental case. When she is awake all she does is stare off into space and cry. This is better then dealing with that" Felicia said with the hint of that know-it-all-attitude.
"She is in pain in that dream. Wake her now before YOU are fired."
There was some shuffling and the light was starting to shine through her eyes. Was she waking her? Oh what a sweet doctor. He saved her from a night terror. It was just one of them but he saved her from it.
"Carrie? Carrie, your safe now. No one is going to hurt you. I am Doctor Basen. Its okay. There's no reason to cry."
At this point she realized that she was. How stupid Doctor Basen must think of her. To be crying from a dream like a seven year old.
She tried to thank him for saving her but nothing seemed to come out. Of course, the only time she was able to talk for the last six years was when she was sleeping and cried out for help. He seemed to understand what she meant though. He pulled some of her blood red hair off her face and then patted her head. "Seems like she has lost her voice from that blood curtailing scream" Doctor Basen whispered to Felicia with a wink to Carrie.
"Don't sedate her again. Let her sleep when she falls asleep. If i find out that you have i will have you fired and your nursing licenses will be taken away."
"Yes Doctor.."
She sees him leave but Felicia stays. No. Take her with you. Please....Please!
Carrie see a smile come across her face. This one is more then just-a-little-to-nice type smile. This is one of those revenge smiles. She looks at Carrie.
"Doctor Basen said to stop you medication so that's just what we will do."
Felicia reached for the IV again but instead of injecting something she turned the knob that was allowing the pain killer to drip.
"No medication means, No medication"
She smiled that evil smile again and walked out. Carrie knew what was going to happen. The pain in her wrist would get worse and so would the pain in her head. I guess this is what she got for sending herself here. But she knew Doctor Basen just told her no sedation. This was her getting revenge on Carrie. There was no reason to try to scream for help so she sat and waited for the pain to increase.
She thought about what she could remember from her childhood. She remembered coming from a large family but she no longer could remember what her father or mother looked like. Or any of her siblings for that matter. Whenever she had a night terror about them they just popped up as a blur like looking through someone's glasses when you have perfect vision. She remembered her father being abusive and a drunk and her mother remarrying. But she no longer cared about her home life. They stopped visiting when she turned 17.
She remembered that other guy, Ted, the "friend" of the family. She had trusted him and he hurt her. She still had nightmares about him. Yes, he came and visited her but just in her dreams. At least with her family she couldn't remember who they were so therefore no pain in them not visiting. But him, she didn't want a visit and he came anyhow.
Asshole.
She had always been surrounded by guys she could never fully trust. They all turned out to be abusive or a drunk or just plainly, a pervert. Some had broken her heart and some just left leaving a hole in her heart.
She didn't know what was worse, having someone she loved but didn't love her back in her life or have them out of her life and living with all the memories and having to see them all the time. Yes, she had a couple cuts for guys like that because she always seemed to find that type of guy. She was "okay" till they no longer needed her then threw her away like a used McDonalds cup. She had always hoped to find the guy that fit the whole 'Love is patient, Love is kind...' thing but so far all that did was leave her with a broken heart....
The pain increased dragging her from these thoughts. She could try to find the button that would call for help but there was only two problems. She couldn't reach it with her wrists being tied down, and Felicia would probably be the one to come in. She was to sit here and deal with it.
She tried to make herself go to sleep. She knew the pain from the dreams would be better then the physical pain she was about to feel... She's in one of those dreams where nothing happens. Its just you thinking. She wonders if her mom even thought about her or if she just left without a second glance back. Was she as a daughter that horrible? That her mom could only think about herself. Not her daughter, her baby. No it had always been all about Carries mom. No one else. Her way or the highway. And if you weren't useful to her then oh well. Yes that was her mom. Carrie had spent her whole life determined not to be like that at all. She gave and gave even when she was emotionally and physical spent. She gave when she had nothing to give. Getting her heart broke over and over. In the end Carrie was nothing like her mom but then again she was here. Carrie knew that even if she did get out she wouldn't have kids just in case if she did turn up like that.
Her mind switched paths.
She thought about all her friends back home who thought she "moved to her dads" without even a good bye to them. She hurted for them. She missed them. They had become like her family. The ones who knew she didn't need to be there. That being there was what would make her depressed. They knew she was just broken beyond repair and that she was fragile like a young child is to pornographic images. But nobody in her family knew her well enough to know that. And she was glad. They never gave her a second glance, why should she?
Snap.
The pain in her wrists caused her to awake in the most physical pain she had ever been in. "Doctor.....Doctor Basen, HELP!!!"
She screamed. It wasn't any help. It was three in the morning, no one would be around on this level of the hospital. The 3rd shift people were all party animals and always snuck downstairs to party hard with the slutty interns that were trying to make there way up the latter. She was stuck. Tied to a bed with horrible pain in her wrist, and thoughts that made her wish she could make her body her drawing board again. What was she to do? She felt as hopeless as she did that night Ted hurt her. When he drugged her. Then did the unspeakable to a child who was there seeking safety from an abusive father. He was surpose to help not hurt. Yes. This darkness she would get yet another visit from the man she didn't want a visit from.
Carrie remembered how tired she had been and even though it was just a dream she felt that tiredness now. She had been at her fathers and hadn't slept for she feared she would awake to the calls of her little sister crying like she had cried when he and her mom had been married. No his new wife never was told about his past although she often thought she should be told. She was dead asleep and for the first time in 6 days, she slept. Feeling safe and warm. Not knowing how in two hours that would change. Carrie was sleeping in the dream and she could feel his hand slid up her leg as she slept. She tried waking herself in the dream but the tiredness took over. She slept on. She felt him pull off her shirt some what. NO!! What was he doing? Why was he doing this? He knew her past with men....how could he add to the pain? Proving that she was just a sex toy and that thats all she was worth, even though he had said many times before that wasn't true.
His ugly rough hands grab her breasts in the dream...she was screaming in her head for him to stop. She wanted to kill him but she laid there in hell, unable to do anything. His hands slid down her stomach. Why hadn't she kept on her jeans? Why had she have to dress for bed? Lifting the top of her shorts he moved his hand down.
She awoke. Pain sending her straight back into the dream.
She had awoke finally. She turns and open the door and runs. She doesn't know were she is going. She just knows she cant stay there. She runs across by the pool were just that last summer her and her sister swam. No this time it wasn't such a happy memory. She was to scared to stop to see if he was following. She was strong and fast and could outrun him any day but if he had gotten in his car there was no saving her. She got to the main street. She didn't even care to look to see if a car was coming. She ran out into the way of a truck that almost hit her. He slammed on his brakes stopping an inch in front of her. The man went to get out. She ran. No not another guy to hurt her. She ran towards the 24 hour walmart. In the parking lot her heart gave out the fear and pain and she no longer could stand. She fell to the ground sobbing. She looked up in time to see a cop car. She had two choices
1.) Tell the cops and hope they would keep her safe
Or
2.) Keep running and hope that she dies before she can fully grasp what just really happened.
She flagged down the cops. Despite how much it hurt to know all the questions that were about to ask.
Men. She flinched every time they looked at her. She could see in their eyes his face and her dirty feeling body. She didn't want to talk. But she told them what she could remember. She cried showing these total strangers what a weak little girl she was.
She awoke again. The sun was barely coming up. Her wrist didn't hurt so much now...although now her heart ached with that memory.
Doctor Basen walked in
Carrie didn't care anymore. She cried for him to untie her or just kill her. The memory was to hard. To hurtful. She just wanted it all to be over.
Doctor Basen looked worried
"Carrie, how did you sleep?"
Carrie didn't want to have small talk! She just wanted to be dead. He was in on it. He probably knew what Felicia had done and was just messing with her.
"Why don't you ask your lovely nurse" she spat
Doctor Basen gave her a look that could never be described with words. Then he saw what made her such mean person. She hadn't had any pain killer all night. The dial was switched but obviously she couldn't of done it and he hadn't done it.
Doctor Basen picked up the phone.
Oh now he wants call Felicia and ask for a date she guessed while she sat there in pain. But the thought was cut short when she heard him talking to the police.
When Doctor Basen got of the phone he turned to her.
"She is never coming back and she will never come near you again. I'm sorry Carrie. You must of had a horrible night"
FINALLY someone understood her. But how? She had never met someone that did. No. It was just a trick she knew it. To get her to trust him then WHAM she would get hurt again.
"Whatever" was all Carrie could say to the man that just protected her but she didn't want to get her hopes up that maybe the world wasn't so rotten after all. But no....she wasn't a Norm she knew better. Doctor Basen would be sending her out of here as soon as he could....she knew it.2


"They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat me instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun3

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by4

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try5

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above6

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by7

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy"8

The song played over and over in her dream as she saw her life fall apart. Sitting on the sideline of what happened for the last 6 years, watching, knowing. She would spend enternity wishing she could redo things. An enterntity waiting, which was useless. No point in waiting for the past. But yet she did. For it to chetch up to her...again and next time she wouldn't be seeing doctor Basens handsome face. She would be meeting the devils. At least it seemed more possible to find compassion in the eyes of the devil then in the eyes of a paster. Pasters are worse then Norms. "Everything happens for a reason. A greater plan" Wasnt it just possible for shit to happen and God to go "Oops, sorry i was worrying about little children starving in africa" No no no. God saw everything. And your fucking term paper due tomorrow was right up next to starving kids on the pray list. Foolish people. Carrie knew better. Why couldn't anyone else see the obvious? But then again thats what got her here. No one saw the obvious. Crying yourself to sleep for 3 years was not enough to give off a signal or the cuts all over her body or the pain (not even hidden) in her eyes. No it was all over looked till it was to late to save her. She was unable to be saved. They were just wasting there time...
"Your going home today Carrie" Said Doctor Basen "Home, not the mental home".....
Was there even a home left for Carrie to go back to?
For the first time in three years she saw her mother and stepfather. Waiting at the desk well the nurse rolled her down the hall. They didn't smile nor wave. She was just a disappointment to them. The only thing that kept her some what happy was knowing she was going to see her friends soon, if they hadn't forgotten about her. Doctor Basen was standing next to them frowning.
Doctor Basen had went over care instructions with her parents. Her mom the whole time giving the doctor the "I know my daughter better then you, i will do what i want" look. As they walked out of the hospital, Carrie still in the stupid wheelchair, Doctor Basen slid a envelope in her hand and put a finger up to his lips signaling not to say anything.
In the car, it was quite. No fight, no asking what had been happening in each others lives for the last three years. No. It was like they had lost there voices although she knew they hadn't because she just heard them talking not even 30 seconds ago.
"So mom, what have you been doing" Carrie said trying to lighten things up.
"Not much"
Silence. Sometimes it seemed so loud even when it was silent. She was screaming "I hate you" without even saying it. At least that would have been one word longer...
Carrie sets her stuff on the bed which was more like a bunch of blankets all together. But at least it was better then the floor. She looks around; the room even more depressing then before. The black paint had turned gray or was just covered with dust. Lost and lots of dust. Nobody had been in here since the first time she tried to commit suicide. You could even see the blood stain. It hadnt even been cleaned up. Probably a way to haunt her even more. Like the memories of being pushed down the stairs or having hot water poured on her as a punishment or having to eat soap was not enough to have to deal with.
Her demons were tearing her apart. Inside to out....and nobody was gonna save her
Then she remember the note in her pocket....9

Dear Carrie,
I know life back at home is going to be hard but you are a very wonderful girl. You are more strong then anyone i have ever met. But i understand how it can get.
Please call me if you need a distraction.
555-2738 And thats my personal cell so feel free to call anytime
By the way your mom is a real work of art isn't she?10

Thats all it said....
Carrie was confused. She wasnt the type of girl that got guys attention. She was kind of pretty but most people just ignored her. Was Doctor Basen another one of those guys that were gonna get to know her and get her trust then hurt her? Probably. She wasn't gonna take the chance. The risk was just to high and she learned her lesson with the last three guys....
Carrie crumpled that note up and shoved it under the dresser. The one place her mother never looked because she couldnt get her old bones and muscles to bend that way. Carrie was back to one of the most hated places in her past....prision.
Again she would be resume being cinderella...being treated like shit and spending all her time cleaning. Carrie wasnt sure which was better. Being with Felicia the just-a-little-to-nice nurse and going through the night terrors or this. At least when she was there she could tell the differance between night terrors and life. Here...would just be a big blur. Hell in dream land and hell in real life....
Carrie went to bed early that night aching. It had been a long time since she worked like that and her body was protesting.
Asleep again she finds herself back in the bad darkness. She's walking at night in her neighborhood towards her house. She had been at a friends house because she felt safe there. Jay wouldnt dare touch her there. Why didnt she have her friends walk her home? Did she want to die? Did she fear them getting hurt? Or maybe it was both.
Carrie keeps turning around in the dream. She knows he's there. Lurking. Waiting. Getting ready to strike.
Carrie knows whats next in the dream and is still drawn on...she counts back from 5.
5.....4.....3.....2....1....POUNCE
Next thing Carrie knows shes in a emergancy clinic. The doctors keep calling her Lesliy. Why are they calling her by her best friends name?
Lesliy walks in....Carrie looks at her with question in her eyes. Lesliy gave her her one of those shut-up-I'll-tell-you-later looks.11

What happened?....