Everyone Here

FADE IN:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
We open on a CU of the MORTICIAN, a worn, middle-aged man with disheveled long hair, wearing an unkempt black suit. A half-empty beer sits in front of him. His nervous gaze shifts from the glass to the door of the bar and back, again and again. He meticulously rubs his filthy, rugged hands together, partially as a nervous tick, but mostly to wipe off crusted dirt.
CUT TO:1

A CU OF THE BARTENDER -
Watching the Mortician with cautious eyes as he needlessly wipes a clean spot on the bar with a dirty rag, stained with a deep crimson... His eyes drift to the far corner of the room-
CUT TO:2

TO A YOUNG WOMAN WEARING TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
Who sits in a booth, stubbing out a long white cigarette in an over-flowing ashtray. Her mascara is running a bit and she looks sickly and tired. After tediously ensuring that every bit of burning ash is extinguished, she immediately lights another. Her gaze wanders across the room and stops on something OS that causes her to do a subtle double-take and suck on the cigarette very deeply. She appears to be watching-
CUT TO:3

TWO YOUNG YUPPIES IN SUITS
Getting up from their seats at a nearby table. They are dressed in expensive business suits and one picks up a thick metal briefcase from under the table. They seem to be in good spirits as they make their way into the-
CUT TO:4

THE BATHROOM.
The small, sterile restroom is ghastly white, but has an unnerving dirty feel to it. The Blonde Yuppie places the briefcase under the sinks while the other digs in his pockets.5

BLONDE YUPPIE
You see that chick in the corner?6

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
She’s alright. Tits are kinda small, but I’d go there.7

The Brown-haired Yuppie produces a small mirror from his pocket and places it on the edge of the sink.8

BLONDE YUPPIE
She look familiar to you? Seems like I know her from somewhere.9

The Brown-haired yuppie takes a baggie of cocaine out of his jacket pocket and pours some onto the little mirror.10

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
She kinda looks like that junkie slut from the Winslow. Remember that shit? I sure as hell don’t.11

He CHUCKLES as he uses a credit card to break the cocaine up into lines.12

BLONDE YUPPIE
(smiling and pulling out his extremely thick money clip)
God, that was fucking ridiculous. But, no, no, I know her from somewhere else.13

The Brown-haired Yuppie pulls a hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket and gestures with it to his friend.14

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
I got it.15

BLONDE YUPPIE
Cool.16

The Blonde Yuppie puts his money clip back and the Brown-haired yuppie rolls up the bill and snorts a line off the mirror.17

BLONDE YUPPIE
But, dammit, that’s gonna bother me all night! Where have I seen her?18

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
I don’t know. Maybe the market convention in Vegas. One of those TradeCorp bitches or something.19

BLONDE YUPPIE
(taking the bill and reshaping the lines with the credit card)
TradeCorp? Nah, what would she be doing HERE?20

The Brown-haired yuppie inhales sharply through his nose and rubs at it fiercely.21

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
The fuck are WE doin’ here, man?22

The Blonde Yuppie smiles and does a line.23

CUT TO:24

THE POOL TABLE
Where a VATO and a GUY WITH A BANDAGED HAND are setting up a game. The Vato places a cigarette on the edge of a table over a side pocket as the Guy With a Bandaged Hand lines up his shot for the break. His crude bandage is dripping with blood from a fresh wound and some of it drips onto the cue stick.25

He breaks and sinks a few balls. The two men catch eyes with very serious looks. There’s definately something riding on this game.
CUT TO:26

A CREEPY MOUSTACHED MAN SEATED AT A TABLE IN THE BAR
Typing fervently on a laptop. He seems very serious and very suspicious. Seated next to him is a NERVOUS GIRL WITH A BLACK EYE who keeps looking around the bar, seemingly trying to be inconspicuous.27

A BAR PATRON passes by behind the Creepy Moustached Man, who quickly pulls down the screen of the laptop halfway to hide whatever is on it. The Bar Patron doesn’t seem to notice and once he is a safe distance away, the Creepy Moustached Man resumes his rapid typing.
CUT TO:28

THE MORTICIAN
Who jolts with fear and surprise as the front door to the bar bursts open. Three KIDS walk in who can’t be more than seventeen. Upon seeing who it is, the Mortician settles down a bit and takes a deep sip of his beer. 29

The Kids approach the bar and sit down on some stools.
The Bartender pockets the dirty rag and approaches them.30

BARTENDER
Alright, fellas. Let’s see some ID.31

KID #1
I.D.’s?32

They all share a coy CHUCKLE and Kid #1 takes a pill bottle out of his pocket and sets it on the bar.
CU of the pill bottle. The directions read: “Take 8-9 caplets every four hours as needed for self-medication.”33

The Bartender looks around the bar to make sure no one is looking and quickly pockets the pills.34

BARTENDER
(obviously a bit ashamed)
What’ll be, gentlemen?35

KID #1
Three Bud lights, please, kind sir.36

Kid #2 walks around the side of the bar to grab a matchbook.
The Bartender jumps up from his resting position and stands awkwardly, as though he were trying to hide something behind the bar.37

BARTENDER
(to Kid #2)
Hey! Get out of there!38

Kid #2 gives him a confused look and puts up his arms, mock-defensively.39

KID #2
Just gettin’ some matches, man.40

He goes back to his barstool.41

BARTENDER
Yeah, well just ask next time.42

KID #2
Sure thing, hoss.43

The Bartender looks very upset and begins to wipe down the bar again, even though, by now, it is completely spotless.
CUT TO:44

THE VATO
Pocketing the seven ball with ease. He catches eyes with the Guy With a Bandaged Hand, giving him a devious look of pride. The Guy retorts with a look of worry showing through his stern demeanor.
The Vato lines up his next shot.45

CU of the side pocket with the cigarette resting on it. The Vato powerfully knocks a ball into that pocket. SLOW PAN down from the cigarette, revealing a SWITCHBLADE crudely taped under the pocket.
CUT TO:46

THE MORTICIAN
Gulping deeply from his beer, eyes shut. When he puts it down, he is startled to the bone by the MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES, who is suddenly seated beside him, grinning.47

The Man With Mismatched Eyes is fit and rugged. He wears a black satin shirt and his hair is well kept. He looks decidedly cleaner than everyone else in the bar. There’s something unusually mischievous and wicked about him, though. His teeth are perfect, but stained yellow in the creases and his eyes are, of course, mismatched; one brown and one blue, like an old blind dog.
The Mortician seems terrified of him and keeps his eyes on his beer glass.48

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(he has an aristocratic Southern drawl)
How do, compadre?49

The Mortician is so nervous he can barely keep still.50

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(playing with him cruelly)
Aw, what’s a matter, son? You seem a little... unnerved.51

The Mortician becomes intensely uncomfortable and looks around everywhere but at the well-dressed man and clasping his hands together; trying to get off what’s left of the dirt that just won’t come off.52

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Relax... You did well. I knew you would-53

MORTICIAN
Please... Just pay me and go.54

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(guffaws and slaps the Mortician on the back)
You’re my kinda guy, gravedigger!55

MORTICIAN
Don’t call me that.56

CU of the Mortician’s boots. They are encrusted with dried mud and dirt.57

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
On the level, down to business! I like that. 58

The Man With Mismatched Eyes rummages in his pocket and pulls out a handful of peanuts, still in the shell. He lays them out on the table.59

The Mortician grabs them up greedily, looking around to make sure no one’s watching. He picks up every little bit and puts them in his pocket as the Man With Mismatched Eyes GUFFAWS wickedly.60

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Don’t fret and fuss, son! No one’s gonna find out. We had a deal!
(he grabs the Mortician’s beer and toasts the glass, then downs the remainder)
And I have a very solid reputation for holding up my end of deals.
He smiles that awful, toothy smile.61

MORTICIAN
Just go now... Please.62

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Nah, I think I’ll stay for a bit. We’ll chew the fat! I’ll buy you beer.63

MORTICIAN
Please...64

The Man With Mismatched Eyes raises his finger in the air to signal the bartender and motions for two more beers. The Mortician hangs his head.
CUT TO:65

THE BARTENDER
Who stops rubbing the counter with the red-stained rag long enough to acknowledge the Man With Mismatched Eyes’ order with a head-nod. 66

He bends over to grab some glasses out from under the bar and we TILT DOWN with him. Just below where he keeps the glassware, a pale human arm rests on the floor by his feet. The body that it’s connected to is not visible and the bartender carefully uses his boot to move the appendage back out of sight under the bar. He reemerges with two glasses and fills them with beer.
CUT TO:67

THE BATHROOM
Where the Yuppies are extremely high on cocaine. The Blonde Yuppie finishes doing another line and rubs his nose. 68

BLONDE YUPPIE
Did you finish your presentation for Monday? 69

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
The FUCK do you care? But yes, of course, and it’s KILLER, and I’m gonna get that nod from the big guys that I needed and hot DAMN we are gonna PARTY when I- dude, dude DUDE! We should pick up that girl you think you know-70

The Blonde Yuppie’s eyes turn cold and his smile fades.71

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
(cont.)
-and maybe that shy little looker with the-72

BLONDE YUPPIE
Wait a second, man...73

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
(not listening)
-the, the... You know. But seriously I’d like to-74

BLONDE YUPPIE
DUDE!75

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Yeah, what?76

BLONDE YUPPIE
I think I know where I’ve seen that girl before...77

The Blonde Yuppie looks at the Brown-haired Yuppie with a very serious demeanor; a look that says “and I think you know, too.”
The Brown-haired yuppie’s smile quickly fades.
CUT TO:78

THE YOUNG WOMAN WEARING TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
Who lights another cigarette, her eyes looking occasionally at the bathroom door.79

The ashtray in front of her is ridiculously overflowing with butts; far more than she possibly could have smoked.
CUT TO:80

THE CREEPY MOUSTACHED MAN
Who types a bit more, then closes his laptop. He looks over at the Nervous Girl without emotion, then at his watch.81

The Nervous Girl sees him do this and she looks up at the clock on the wall, which reads six minutes to six. We may or may not have noticed that the time on this clock has not changed since we’ve been here and the second hand is definitely not moving.
She looks over her shoulder, then down at her lap.82

We SLOW PAN down from the tabletop to reveal that the Nervous Girl’s hand is handcuffed to the underside of the table.
The Creepy Moustached Man and the Nervous Girl exchange an unreadable look.
CUT TO:83

THE MORTICIAN AND THE MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Still seated at their table. The Man With Mismatched Eyes leans back in a relaxed position, enjoying his beer. The Mortician hasn’t touched his. He just keep rubbing his dirty hands together... They won’t come clean.84

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(teasing)
I know what’s bothering you. I know you so well, compadre, you have no idea. 85

MORTICIAN
You don’t!
(realizing his voice was too loud, he quiets down)
You don’t know me at all.86

The Man With Mismatched Eyes grins and leans forward, getting very close to the apprehensive Mortician.87

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(suddenly very stern and menacing)
Don’t pretend with me, boy! You knew all along and it’s just EATIN’ you up inside, isn’t it?88

MORTICIAN
(shaking his head)
No. No... I...89

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(grinning)
Oh, right! You didn’t know. You didn’t even stop to think or question or even wonder in nonchalant passing why she was tied up? Why she was gagged with that filthy rag? 90

MORTICIAN
(almost like a child)
No. No. No. No....91

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Ahhhhhh. Maybe you didn’t know. Maybe you didn’t.
(beat)
‘Til she opened her eyes.92

MORTICIAN
No, shut up, no. Stop.93

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
She opened her pretty little eyes right when the dirt started falling on her pretty little face. She watched you do it. Too weak to make much of fuss about it, of course, I saw to that, but YOU...
The Mortician is practically convulsing, still shaking his head. The Man With Mismatched Eyes grabs his beer and points at him.94

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(cont.)
You kept going til she couldn’t see anymore.95

MORTICIAN
Shut up..96

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Shovelful after shovelful til she couldn’t see what you’d done nooooo more.97

MORTICIAN
SHUT UP!98

The Man With Mismatched Eyes LAUGHS and leans back in his chair again, taking a deep drink of beer.
CUT TO:99

THE BATHROOM
Where the Brown-haired yuppie is pacing back and forth frantically with his hands behind his head.100

The Blonde Yuppie is leaning on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror.101

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Are you SURE? Are you absolutely POSITIVE?102

BLONDE YUPPIE
Yeah, I think so...103

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Fuck.. SHIT! Okay. Okay, we’re gonna go check, to be ABSOLUTELY sure-104

BLONDE YUPPIE
She’s right THERE!
(he gestures toward the door)
What if she recognizes us? What if she’s already called the cops?!105

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
NO! No way, they would have been here by now. Shit...106

Beat.107

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
We’ll just sneak out the back, act as cool as possible- which we can TOTALLY do. We’re good at that. We’ll blend in, slip out and check. We’ll check to be sure.108

The Blonde Yuppie hangs his head in front of the mirror and takes a deep breath.109

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
FUCK!110

CUT TO:111

THE VATO
Uses his cue stick to point at the corner pocket, calling his eight ball shot. The Guy With a Bandaged Hand watches intensely as the Vato takes his shot. 112

The eight ball goes in and the Guy closes his eyes for a moment in defeat. They rest their sticks against the table and the Vato quickly detaches the switchblade from under the side pocket and hands the cigarette to the Guy With a Bandaged Hand.
They head out the back door.
CUT TO:113

EXT. BACK OF BAR - NIGHT
The Vato and Guy With a Bandaged Hand emerge from the back door and stand against the white brick wall, illuminated by a single flickering florescent light overhead.114

The Guy With a Bandaged Hand puts the cigarette in his mouth, takes a deep breath, as though to ready himself, and holds out his left arm, clenching his teeth.115

VATO
Now?116

The Guy nods his head.
The Vato opens the switchblade and slashes the Guy With a Bandaged Hand across the arm.117

GUY WITH A BANDAGED HAND
AGH!118

He slams his fist on the wall in pain as the Vato pockets the switchblade. The Guy takes a bandana out of his back pocket and wraps it around the wound. For a moment he bends over, hands on his knees, getting over the pain.
The Vato holds out a lighter to ignite the Guy’s smoke.119

VATO
We cool?120

The Guy takes a deep drag from the cigarette and gathers himself. He pats the Vato on the back.121

GUY WITH A BANDAGED HAND
Yeah. Yeah, we’re cool.122

CUT TO:123

INT. BAR - NIGHT
The Young Woman Wearing Too Much Make Up is too busy stubbing out a cigarette to notice the Yuppies make their way quickly out the bathroom door.124

The Vato and The Guy With a Bandaged Hand are coming back in through the back door as the Yuppies are exiting.
CUT TO:125

EXT. BACK OF BAR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Once the back door is safely shut, the Yuppies make haste to their luxury car in the parking lot.126

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
It’ll be cool. She didn’t see us. We’re cool, man. We’re cool. Let’s just check.127

BLONDE YUPPIE
(reassuring himself)
Just gonna check. We’re cool.128

The Blonde Yuppie uses his key to pop the trunk of the car. It’s full of bizarre S&M bondage masks, tools, whips, and leather apparatuses. Scattered amongst these scary-looking items are hundreds of Polaroid photos and unmarked video tapes. The Brown-haired Yuppie keeps a look-out as the Blonde Yuppie sifts through the photographs.129

The Polaroids are disturbing and vile images of young girls, bound and tortured. In his coke-fueled haste, the Blonde Yuppie is shaking and dropping the pictures until he finally finds one of a girl with a ball-gagger in her mouth, bleeding from the forehead. The Blonde Yuppie looks at it in horror, as the girl is unmistakably the Young Woman Wearing Too Much Make-Up.130

BLONDE YUPPIE
It’s her... Oh, god, dude, it’s her.131

The Brown-haired Yuppie snatches the photo and looks at it in fear. He quickly pulls out a lighter and tries to burn the picture.
The Blonde Yuppie is beginning to freak out.132

BLONDE YUPPIE
Oh shit.. Oh shit.. What are we gonna do? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?133

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Calm down, man. Just calm down. We’re gonna get in the car and we’re gonna drive the hell outta here. We’re gonna be fine. 134

BLONDE YUPPIE
(bracing himself on the trunk of the car)
Okay... We’ll be fine. Let’s go. Let’s go RIGHT now.
He slams the trunk shut and heads for the driver’s side door.135

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Wait.136

BLONDE YUPPIE
What? Let’s fuckin’ GO!137

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Where’s the briefcase?138

CUT TO:139

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The Bar Patron is whistling while he relieves himself in a urinal. The metal briefcase is just sitting in the FOREGROUND under the sink. He doesn’t notice it.
CUT TO:140

THE MORTICIAN
With his head in his hands. The Man With Mismatched Eyes seems to reveling in the Mortician’s agony.141

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
I don’t mean to get all philosophical with you, gravedigger...142

The Mortician winces.143

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(cont.)
...but this life? It’s a like one great big business venture. You gotta invest what you can, while you can, in the right opportunities. And you, my friend, are a real risk-taker. And I really respect that about you. I mean, you’re own daughter...144

The Mortician looks the Man in the eyes for the first time. His face is so filled with guilt and regret that he is almost on the verge of tears.145

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
(cont.)
For an investment like that... Heh, well let’s just say you’ll get every bit of the return you deserve.146

CU of the Mortician’s hands under the table. The Man With the Mismatched eyes places an old revolver in them and the Mortician grips it tight.147

The Man With Mismatched Eyes stands up and pushes in his chair.148

MORTICIAN
I didn’t... I- I don’t want to work for you.
(sniffing to choke back tears)
Not you...149

The Man With Mismatched Eyes smiles his wide, terrifying grin.150

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
Hell... everyone here works for me.151

He downs the rest of his beer and begins to walk off, then stops.152

MAN WITH MISMATCHED EYES
I’ll see you real soon.153

At this he LAUGHS wickedly to himself as he disappears out the front door.
CUT TO:154

EXT. BACK OF BAR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Blonde Yuppie is frozen with his hand on the door handle.155

BLONDE YUPPIE
We’ll leave it.156

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Leave it? You’re fucking crazy! Do you have any idea how much blow is in that case? 157

BLONDE YUPPIE
(angry)
Yeah, I think I have a pretty good goddamn idea! But I’m not going to jail over some fuckin’ coke!158

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Some fuckin’ coke? It’s not a damn eight ball, man! There’s a hundred thousand dollars in that case!159

BLONDE YUPPIE
Jesus...160

Beat.161

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
I’m gonna go get it.162

BLONDE YUPPIE
No way.163

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Yes fuckin’ way!164

BLONDE YUPPIE
I’m staying here.165

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
You stay here then!166

BLONDE YUPPIE
I will! And if you’re not back in five, I’m taking the car and getting the fuck out of the city, the state, the country, the GODDAMN solar system, you crazy son of a cunt!167

BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE
Five minutes.168

The Brown-haired Yuppie turns and rushes back inside.
CUT TO:169

INT. BAR - NIGHT
The Creepy Moustached Man checks his watch one more time, then nods at the Nervous Girl. She nods back and the Man gets to his feet, puts the laptop under his arm and walks casually out the front door.170

The Nervous Girl makes sure no one is looking and lifts her shirt a bit. There is a BOMB strapped around her abdomen. She presses a button, probably to arm it. 171

She takes one more look at the clock on the wall. It’s still six minutes to six.
CUT TO:172

THE KIDS AT THE BAR
They are LAUGHING and toasting bottles. Kid #2 accidently drops the cigarette he was about to put between his lips. It rolls behind the bar and he goes to pick it up.173

When he looks up from the ground, he sees the DEAD BODY of a woman stashed under the bar. A ghastly look of fear comes to his face and he glances up at the Bartender who has just noticed him and has the same look of petrified terror. They just stare at each other for a moment before the Bartender zips up his fly.174

The Kid quickly gets to his feet, eyes wide and returns to his stool at the bar. The Kid and the Bartender continue to look at each other with indescribable fear, obviously coming to an agreement not to speak of this to one another.175

Finally they break their stare and the Kid frantically lights his cigarette and COUGHS. The Bartender whips out his blood-stained rag and begins rubbing the bar down more fiercely than ever.
The other Kids do not notice this bizarre exchange.
CUT TO:176

THE POOL TABLE
Where the Vato is finished racking the billiard balls. He removes the triangle and the Guy With a Bandaged Hand breaks the rack.
As the balls scatter across the table, the Vato places another cigarette over a different side pocket and we PAN DOWN to find a SCREWDRIVER duct-taped beneath it.177

Under another side pocket, a hammer is taped.
And under the fourth, a 9mm handgun.
The Guy With a Bandaged Hand takes a deep breath and takes another shot.
CUT TO:178

THE BROWN-HAIRED YUPPIE COMING IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR
Moving quickly and somewhat conspicuously avoiding eye contact with the Young Woman Wearing Too Much Make-Up. But she sees him and a terrified look of recognition comes to her face. 179

The Brown-haired Yuppie disappears into the bathroom and the Young Woman pulls the last cigarette out of her pack.
CUT TO:180

THE FRONT DOOR
As it swings open slowly to reveal two uniformed POLICE OFFICERS who enter, looking like they mean business.181

Immediately the entire bar goes quiet and the rest of the scene is played out in one long agonizing DOLLY SHOT around the whole bar.
The Kids hide their faces and try to distance themselves from the bottles in front of them.182

The Police say nothing, just make their way slowly around the room, looking at everyone suspiciously.183

The Bartender tosses the bloody rag under the bar and grinds his teeth.184

The Mortician only looks at the cops long enough to know they are there, before returning to his usual position of staring at the table.185

A CU of the Mortician’s hand under the table reveals him clutching the gun tightly.186

The Nervous Girl’s eyes dart from the Police to the clock (six to six) and back again.187

The Guy With a Bandaged Hand tries nonchalantly to hide his fresh wounds while the Vato meticulously chalks the end of his cue.
The Young Woman Wearing Too Much Make-Up stubs out her last cigarette and glances at the bathroom door...188

...where The Brown-haired Yuppie is just emerging with the briefcase. The moment he spots the Police, he swiftly shuts himself back in the bathroom.189

Suddenly the Nervous Girl gets to her feet as best she can, as she’s still handcuffed to the table. In the BACKGROUND we can see the Mortician putting the gun to his head.190

NERVOUS GIRL
(beginning to lift up her shirt revealing the bom
I am-191

BANG! The Mortician scatters his brains across the table.
This immediately grabs the attention of everyone in the bar and the Police rush over to him and grab the gun.192

Seeing that no one saw her or is paying attention to her at all, the Nervous Girl quietly pulls her shirt back down and returns to her seat.193

The Brown-haired Yuppie takes the opportunity to burst out of the bathroom and run out the back door with the metal briefcase.194

The Guy With the Bandaged Hand sees that the Vato is distracted and sneakily drags a nearby pool ball into a pocket.195

CUT TO BLACK.
The End.

Author notes

If you choose to go with this, let me know and I will e-mail you a much more readable pdf version. Storywrite doesn't take well to script format.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • hotwaxtears
    April 6

    Edit | Reply

    WOWZIES!

    Totally amazing. I didn't see any of it coming . It kept me reading till the end, which is quite a feat. Good luck!


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 14

    Edit | Reply
    I was looking through a few of your works again, and realized I somehow managed to miss this one. Don't know how that happened. Turns out I was missing out on a whole lot - this was excellent. I'd love to see it translated to film. The glimpses of all the strange goings-on behind the scenes were both tantalizing and disturbing, and made me read eagerly onwards to learn more. Nice job of keeping the viewer just enough in the dark to shock them when secrets were revealed, but also hinting at enough along the way to make us keep an eye out for details.

    My only complaint: I wish there were more of this to read. =) It really "wowed" me.


  • CactusJack silver member
    March 10

    Edit | Reply

    Duuuude

    What the hell man? You pull me in and just drop me like a sopranos finale? This was really good. I loved the dialoge, very real and gritty. Just the way I like it. Some of the descriptions in the beginning felt a little cliched but nothing to make me stop reading or anything.

    On line 141-
    "seems to reveling in" - missing the 'be'
    and line 144
    "you’re own daughter" - I think you mean 'your'.

    It's nitpicking, because a thorough read through would catch these but I figured I'd give something helpful admist the praise.

    This is the kind of story I love and the kind of movie I end up quoting and recommending to friends. Very Tarantino-ish back in his hey day.

    A much appreciated read, I only wish there was more.

    Jack