I. Of Anger and Accusations (New Edit)

I felt the power well up inside of me, filling me, and the warmth grew. The sun looked pale next to my magic, and the stars swooned in jealousy. My hands held outward in a spell casting position and my feet slightly apart, I turned to look at my master, expecting a grin on his wrinkled face - but there was nothing, no spark of joy, no silent encouragement. His eyes were as cold as his heart, which was hardened from many years of teaching pupils. He claimed to see no difference in me than any other student.1

The warmth left my body in the cold of a sudden blizzard. I turned to face the old man, looking down at the top of his balding head. "Master Leorn," I began. He looked up. "Why do you doubt me?" Tears welled in my eyes.2

"I do not doubt," he replied coolly. "I only do not give you such self confidence as to think yourself higher than anyone else." 3

"But I AM better!" I retorted stubbornly, nose in the air. I was his first apprentice, no one else making it past “pupil” stage, and his most powerful. Everyone in the town knew it. But I had no motivation from Leorn. He had never been supportive of my talent, he never saw it for what it was. I had more natural talent, albeit raw and untrained unlike his, and he knew it.4

"That's enough!" he snapped back at me. "Now, do you want to continue the lesson, or do you think yourself above that too?" I grudgingly lowered my head and felt the power build within me once more.5

How I wanted to cast the transfiguration spell that was gathering at my fingertips! But I didn't want to hit the target. I wanted to hit Master Leorn’s wrinkled, hateful face and make him pay for everything. With the anger adding to the inferno I felt in my face, I let the magic go. It hit the target cat, but it bounced awry, hitting the rickety table in the corner. 6

"The anger," Leorn scolded and muttered some words under his breath that I didn't completely catch but I'm sure they weren't fitting of one of the masters. I rolled my eyes. How many times had I heard this speech? Then he would tell me that I had had enough for today, and to go home and get some rest. But all these kind sounding words couldn’t hide his disapproval.7

But this time I wasn't going to go along with his feigned kindness. "If you think I'm angry now," I began, inching closer to Leorn's ugly face, "just wait." I tried to keep my voice level, as the masters do to intimidate a young child. Sometimes, it was scarier than yelling. And without looking back for his reaction, I stormed out of the small hut and into the dusty street. The master made no attempt to stop me. 8

I knew it was dangerous. A mage was never supposed to be angry when there was still residue of a very recent spell within. Accidental magic was too common in these cases. It could end very badly. But I didn't care. My rage was uncontrollable. Not only was the extent of my power known in the town, but my quick temper was equally as famous.9

Through the crimson vision of my rage, I managed to find my way into the castle. My footsteps pounded the stone floor and I marched up through the great hall and into the throne room. 10

"Why did you apprentice me to him? Why!?" I cried as I entered the cavernous room. My father regarded me solemnly from his position on the lavish throne. His weary eyes regarded me curiously, the skin crinkling up around their edges. He shook his mane of light hair in disbelief. His group of advisors stood positioned behind his throne. "I hate him! I hate you! I hate my life!" I stomped my foot on the floor. I was purposely overreacting. This tactic had worked every day since I was five years old.11

"Lekina," The king held his hand out lovingly to me. I turned away, as if avoiding his actual touch. "I know you are upset, but I am in the middle of a very important meeting with the council. Can you come back later?" He knew that I wouldn't answer to this, but being the royal figure that he was, he was required to try. It had never worked before, why would it work now? 12

I screamed. "Later! It's always later! Why is it never NOW?" He held a hand out to silence me, but I was too far gone. "I don't want to be royalty and have a father that NEVER has time to listen!"13

"Lekina, can you please excuse yourself, you're in a right state." I could feel my father's temper beginning to flare. It was what I wanted. So, I refused to leave, remaining resolutely where I stood, shouting insults. Father straightened up, filling the room with his commanding presence. I stopped my shouting at once.14

"Please remove this thing," he spat the word with utter disgust, "from my sight." Two of the burliest men of the group gathered around grabbed my arms and dragged me from the room. I put up a struggle for a moment, but soon I realized that my efforts were futile. After we left sight of the throne room, I let myself go limp in their grip. I hated my father more than ever. How dare he insult me like that! I wasn't some wretch on the street, groveling for every penny! I was royalty! The only daughter of the blood!15

I was still fuming as I got into my chambers. The maids quickly undid my dress and shoved my head through a nightgown. I forcefully yanked the brush through my blonde hair and threw it down onto the floor with a clattering noise. One of the maids picked it up and gently offered it back to me. I pushed her away. The rest of the maids followed, retreating into their chambers.16

I stared at my reflection in the sink of clear water. My hair was unmistakably Yukinski, the royal line, and my eyes the same blue as my late mother's. Beneath my tear-streaked face, the high cheekbones of the beautiful resided. I didn't want to be beautiful. I didn't want to be noticed for being royalty or pretty. I only wanted recognition for my talents, which was an almost impossible. I slapped the reflective water with the back of my hand, the image disappearing in droplets. 17

The maids hadn't yet returned, so I threw myself onto the bed, hearing the frame creak beneath my weight. My eyes scanned the white ceiling. I was told as I child that my blood was a blessing - my history, laden with heroism. I now recognized it for what it was- a curse. I wasn't free to do anything, I was held in check by a short leash. I needed my own identity, not simply 'daughter of the blood' or 'princess.' No, I wanted to be my own person, to make my own decisions. 18

Restless, I rose from the bed. I stormed over to the window, my footfalls heavy on the marble floor. The sun was setting over the mountains and the sky was a brilliant crimson and persimmon inferno. Most days I would have admired its beauty, but today I saw it only as an omen of destruction. The color of blood and flame. 19

I stared out the frosted panes for quite some time. The moon rose in its glory, with its procession of stars following close behind. In the weak glow of the celestial bodies, I saw a figure move across the wet lawn. Curious, I continued to watch as the silhouette approached the gate. 20

It was let through unchecked. Something was not right. The guards were supposed to do a search on anyone who arrived after nightfall. It was certainly approaching ten. The figure was let through with a casual wave of the hand from a watching sentinel.21

I hitched up my robe and scurried from the room. Trying to make my steps as quiet as possible, I ran down the staircase. Whoever this invader was, I was going to put a stop to this. It was not my father, certainly no, he was in his chambers, and he would have been escorted by a procession of army officers. Who was this visitor then?22

I hid behind a pillar in the grand hall to watch the figure approaching. It appeared to be a slim female, dressed in a billowing black robe. Her hair was tied back, and its color seemed to be shifting in the candle glow. Silently, she entered my father's chambers. I waited outside the door.23

There was no conversation, no words at all, only the gentle snoring of the sleeping king. Surely, then, the guards had stopped the woman from entering any farther into the rooms. I allowed myself a quick glance down the darkened hallway. Torches burned in their brackets, but the darkness was unquenchable. In their wavering light, I saw two figures, slumped in the shadows at the bottom of the wall. 24

"Drunk, no doubt," I muttered, expressing my contempt for the soldiers. I ventured down the hall. As I approached, the sickly smell of liquor reached my nose. I bent down to the figures and saw the empty bottles in their hands. Yes, I was right. They were drunk. Using a simple spell, I lifted the guards to an upright position, spears in hand. I could be disgusted with them, but if my father knew what went on, surely he'd be in a frenzy and dismiss them before they could explain. It was the simplest thing I could do for the men. I was not an unkind person, despite the rage I felt at the moment. I knew whatever anger I could show the men, my father could double it, even triple it. It was a small kindness, one that would not take long.25

As I finished the illusion that would show watchful eyes, I heard a scream. It wasn't manly, not in the least, but the snoring had also stopped. Ignoring the voice in my head that told me not to get into things, I ran full-out into the bedchamber, throwing open the door with a bang. Red blurred my vision, a mixture of anger and blood.26

Lying in a heap on the bed was the king, resplendent in robes of the whitest fabric, suitable only for sleep where they couldn't be spoiled. The designer, no doubt Tonslo, hadn't factored in one possibility; murder. The robes were stained crimson, and multiple tears in the material pointed all signs to the woman standing over in the corner. Father was pallid and cold, his soul already on its way to its resting place.27

I froze. My body would not respond to my commands. It couldn’t be true – my father! As much as I detested him at times, he couldn’t possibly be dead. I didn’t know how to believe it. Tears blurred my vision as I sunk to my knees on the cold, stone floor. 28

I don’t know how long I knelt there, grieving openly, tears forming tiny rivers on their way down my face. But I could not forget the other woman in the room. I knew her gaze was on me as I sobbed but I didn’t care to notice or acknowledge it. Then she spoke.29

“Dear, dear, dear.” She clicked her tongue. “You should never have had to see this. So young, so beautiful. Pity he’s gone.” The voice was intoxicating and vaguely familiar. Her fingers raised my head until I was staring directly into her eyes. 30

A little smile twinged the corners of her mouth, and I saw the high cheekbones of the very beautiful. I stopped dead. The hair let down proved to be a white blonde. My hair, my face, my eyes, my body! The imposter! I looked at a mirror image of myself.31

"I'll kill you," I said through gritted teeth. As often as I had been angry with Father, I had never been this angry. This rage was beyond words, almost beyond action.32

"So then you'll have that on your record too? After all, look what you've done to your poor father." The imposter smiled maliciously, not even trying to hide the expression. She went through a series of physical changes, before settling on one that resembled one of my father's attendants. "It may be midnight," she indicated the grandfather clock in the corner, "but someone will hear." Still in a fury, I grabbed at every part of the imposter, but a magical barrier held me back. I didn't even think to use my own wizardry.33

With a cry as shrill as a whistle, she ran from the room. I heard the words echo back to me. "The King is dead! His own daughter! The King is dead!" I slumped to the floor. No one would believe that it wasn't me. I was caught in the act, still at the scene of the crime. There was no point in running now. The footfalls of heavy boots approached the chamber.34

I felt myself hoisted to my feet and led from the room. The world went blurry as tears of rage, despair, and grief filled my eyes. If I ever figured out who the imposter was, I would kill them. Likely, it was one of the Masters, the true virtuosos, no one else could accomplish such advanced magic. I didn't even realize when they had released me to my room.35

I looked about curiously, my head still fogged with anger and sadness. Was this the normal procedure with murderers? I thought they were thrown in the prison, not led back to their chambers. I looked around the doorframe to see my maid, Coria, talking to the soldier who had dragged me here. She appeared to be nodding in agreement. Both kept casting nervous glances at me. I settled to my bed. Finally, I heard the heavy boots leave, and the maid entered the room.36

"So, am I now a prisoner in my own quarters?" I asked without feeling. The anger, along with the sorrow, had rushed out of me. I felt numb, the pain leaving temporarily. It didn't matter what happened now. I was as good as a dead man. 37

Coria nodded and went about the business of straightening my clothes for the morning. "Good," I replied, in the same, cool tone. 38

Author notes

This is a work in progress. This shall be part one of a larger story that I haven't gotten around to writing yet, but the second chapter is now up!

For more, read II. A Dishonest Request. Trust me, that one needs some serious commenting!

THE DREADED CONTEST NOTES

A member of my family? Hm...well...my family is pretty crazy, it's awfully hard to pick just one of those nutters. We've got the crazy Jewish grandmothers, the vegetarian children's librarian, and the list goes on. Yay for strange families!

A contest entry

What did you think? Please comment!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 71 of 71

  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 8

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    You entered this in way way too many contests make up something new next time okay. It was a pretty good story. I like how stubborn the main character was. Kind of like me


  • tallblondie gold member
    October 26, 2008

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    Quite an engaging piece. The princess seems to be quite the spoiled brat - but I couldn't really put a fix on her age - in some respects she seems quite young, and in others (her hold on her magic, her knowledge of the palace procedures etc) she seems to be somewhat older. Some beautiful descriptions used in the piece - I especially liked the decription of the sunset, as well the language you used to set the scenes.

    Thank you for your entry in Sheer Brilliance.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    October 18, 2008

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    Not a fan of your narator, very spoiled and ignorent. How old is she? The story is wonderfully descriptive, well writen, a nice plot twist. Still if I ever ran into your character I'd smack her. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    October 15, 2008

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    It's a great start. With the tantrums, I estimate your heroine at age 12 or 13. If that's too young, you might want to tone down the tantrum part. Otherwise, yeah, what a brat!
    Your imagery and detail is wonderful, and I really enjoyed immersing myself in this world. I loved how she couldn't tell who the intruder was until it was too late!
    Although in P29, after the king is killed, the part "I don’t know how long I knelt there" at first made me think it had been, like, an hour. But it really wasn't; the killer was still there and everything, as soon becomes apparent. Not grasping time, yet remaining aware of a killer, seems like a bit too much mental gymnastics. P'raps if you aim for her losing track of everything for a moment (or more), in shock and horror, as it were, and then sees the killer is still there, and that snaps her back to the situation. So it doesn't sound like the killer's just hanging out while the princess weeps.
    Also, dude, Coria must have nerves of steel, to be essentially locked in a room with a suspected killer! Whoa.
    Innyhoo. Overall I really enjoyed the story, and I even looked up chapter 2. Sadly the two together don't add up to the minimum of 5000 words for my contest, so alas! I must DQ your entry for not meeting the rules! If you can write another, what, thousand words or so, feel free to enter it again though, and I'll happily read the rest. Verily, 'tis that good!


  • wolfcub
    August 27, 2008

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    Wow. I didn't realise your character was female until you said so, and the princess thing was a surprise as well - that's good, because I normally see things coming!
    I think her witnessing of her father's murder should be much more dramatic, because it sounded like she was just stating what happened - try using really short sentences or something to show how hard it is for her to think.
    Thankyou for enteirng and good luck
    Katie


  • Asfand
    May 24, 2008

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    I think the main problem comes to be with your main character. All I saw from the very start - a spoiled princess, who doesn't want to be a princess. Highly unlikely actually.

    I think your story has everything, description, imagination, creativity and a strong plot twist. What to me, it lacked most was believable emotion. No matter what kind of person she is, she wouldn't be furious seeing the duplicate kill her father. She would go numb, her hands would shake, her heart would forestall it's beating. She would be more than just furious.

    I love the writing style. Very captivating story. I like that it's direct, you don't linger on unnessecary details etcetra.

    Excellent job on this!


  • ForestFaery
    March 26, 2008
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    wonderful and captivatiing! i loved it!


  • bird-mad girl
    February 20, 2008

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    this was an amazing story but I'm sorry to admit it wasn't what I was looking for. please forgive me.


  • Toxic Paradox
    January 23, 2008

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    Hmmm... not sure I like your narrator, she's arrogant about her talent, no matter if it is justified. However, I can see from the first few lines a massive potential in this story. I can see how hard you've worked on this chapter and if I have time I'll try and comment on your second chapter.

    You left with a lovely cliffhanger. I like that.

    Thanks for entering my contest

    -T.P.xxx


  • Surreal Rhapsody
    January 10, 2008

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    That was really really good. ^.^ I really enjoyed myself throughout the whole thing. I love the main character. She's so indignet, and grumpy. Im looking foward to character develpment. Great story, good luck on the contets


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    December 29, 2007

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    What I like about this story is that it takes a contemporary theme of being framed into the medieval setting. It's a well written story with a different twist.


  • LadyShiva
    December 29, 2007

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    I like your voice and the imagery, but I think you are doing a little bit of telling instead of showing with the characters. I think it's kind of odd that she refers to her father as the king and not her father, when she runs into the room to see him dead. I don't feel that would be a realistic reaction and I think it throws it off a little bit.

    I try to print out parts of my story because it can be more difficult to read long passages on the computer, and then see how the story sounds to me. If there are parts that sound strange or not right to you then chances are that they don't sound right to other people either.

    I don't really feel that the main character is likeable as this point, I know that she is supposed to be spoiled but still show us that we should connect to her, she us that she has feelings and is not just a whiney brat that we should care less about. Why should we feel bad for her when she is framed for her fathers' murder, we need to be able to connect to her as readers. I have an issue with this myself which is why I recognize it here.

    This is an excellent story with a lot of potential but it just needs a little but of tweaking here and there. Good luck in the contest and with your story!

    Lauren


  • purplelirpa
    December 18, 2007

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    An interesting twist. I agree with the previous comment. The bratty behavior was a bit overkill. Maybe a bit of subtlety could help? Only show her being a brat at her most emotional of states? There's no way they'd train her with magic if she were as emotionally unstable as you are portraying her. Would've also liked to have read a little more dialogue between her master and herself, as well as more action on his part. How does he discipline her disrespectful behavior?

    Par 1: This is a run-on sentence fragment: "My hands held outward in a spell casting position, and my feet slightly apart, I turned to look at my master, expecting a grin on his wrinkled face - but there was nothing, no spark of joy, no silent encouragement." and might read better as: "With my hands held outward in a spell casting position and my feet slightly apart, I turned to look at my master. I expected a grin on his wrinkled face; but there was nothing--no spark of joy, no silent encouragement."
    Par 18: "The maids hadn't yet returned..." is phrased awkwardly, maybe "The maids hadn't returned yet"
    Par21: "It was let through unchecked." sounds passive. Maybe could be "No one checked it." and again, another passive sentence: "The figure was let through with a casual wave of the hand from a watching sentinel." which could be rewritten as "The watching sentinel gave a casual wave of the hand to allow the figure passage."
    I noticed a few more instances of passive voice, maybe you should look up the difference between active and passive phrasings for future reference.


    • Nesa Lyrel
      January 8, 2008
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      Thanks for the great comment!

      I was going back through these comments and trying to edit the story, and realized that everyone seems to think my character isn't likable...

      So...I'm trying to figure HOW to make her less so, without disrupting the flow of the story. If you have any suggestions I would be all too glad to hear them!

      Thanks!!!


  • Vagabond
    November 16, 2007

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    Okay... First off, Hi, how are you doing? Welcome to my contest, and thanks for entering!
    I will be reveiwing your story through quick comment as i read, and my critique will take two forms... Reader thought, and editor thought (henceforth RT and ET) Just so you know, I am very picky in concerns to both... so as of right now, you can probably kiss goodbye any warm and fuzzy feelings you might have held in respect to me thus far. That is alright, i have grown to expect it... fume over me if you like, hate me if you see fit... but please, for god's sake, and because you knew this was coming when you entered, do it quietly, i'm TRYING TO READ!

    The Review:
    Paragraph 1 - RT: the character sounds a little vain
    ET: The use of the long paragraph to commence the story is a little bit dissuading. Through the use of shorter paragraphs earlier on, the reader can be eased into the tale rather than dropped in on his head.
    Paragraph 2 -
    RT: If the character is a boy, he's kind of girly, if its a girl... still kind of girly. Not to mention distracted easily.
    ET: "The warmth left my body in the cold of a sudden blizzard" sounds very literal in this passage. It might be better to use a simile here. Also, you already stated in paragraph one that the character has turned to face his/her master.
    Paragraph 3 -
    RT: Say what?
    ET: The dialogue in this passage is confusing. Also, the word "cooly" is mispelled and wholly unnesisary. The art of dialogue, when don't correctly, does not need the props of narration to make it flow... If Master Leorn speaks cooly, that should be reflected in his words and acts; shown, not told.
    Paragraph 4 -
    RT: who peed it this person's cheerio's? Why are they so angry all of a sudden? Talk about reactive.
    ET: Once again, you have resorted to the narration of each of your characters' actions. "I retorted stubbornly, nose in the air." is used when "I said" would be just as effective, We can tell without having it screamed at us that the character is stubborn. Also, it is amusing to see these words used in referance to the main character when the entirety of the tale is told from her point of view. Is she calling herself stubborn? the sympathy of the speaker in a first-person story should rest primarily with themselves. And finally, if the character is Master Leorn's ONLY apprentice, then obviously she is the most powerful.

    Paragraph 5 -
    RT: Is it just me, or is everyone in this story just a tad tightly wound?
    ET: I find it quite in conflict with the character Master Leorn has been presented as so far; to find him "snapping" at his apprentice after so little provocation. Also, you continue using unnessisary directions to prop up weak dialogue... the "he said" locution is fine in most instances, and far more practical than having people bark, snap, growl, hiss, or grumble what they are saying (people seldom do that)
    Paragraph 6 -
    RT: But he hasn't DONE anything! He's hardly spoken ten words! "With the Anger adding to the inferno i felt in my face"? What? "The target cat"? WHAT? your targetting a CAT?
    ET: The internal dialogue at this point is fairly well done, there are some awkward phrases in this passage that could do with revision, however.

    Paragraph 7 -
    RT: Okay, a: why does he get to preach about anger when he is clearly hot under the collar himself, and b: What freakin' SPEECH? he said two words!
    ET: Dialogue props again... Also, the internal dialogue in this passage seems poorly organized.

    Paragraph 8 -
    RT: So he's waiting... and then... Is this person ever NOT angry? Also... what the hell, you don't want to be sent home, so you go anyways?
    ET: .... (This time, i wasn't going to take his bullying lying down. "If you think," I said, "That i'm angry now..." and i tried to keep my voice level and calm as i spoke the threat, "just wait."
    Straightening, i stepped back from the position i had taken over him, and turning, stormed out of the small hut and into the dusty street beyond.
    Master Leorn made no attempt to stop me.)

    Paragraph 9 -
    RT: "I'm endangering innocent lives because I don't care! Attention everyone, I'm and out of control APPRENTICE Mage with a serious PMS issue. Clear the way, i'm endangering innocent lives... oh and lets not forget, i'm just So damned better than everyone else!"
    ET: This passage seems alittle confusing, and the latter half of it almost sounds as though it has been written in a completely differant tone than the first.

    Paragraph 10 -
    RT: Well congrats on your fabulous accomplishment, you found your way home without killing somebody
    ET: ... (My footsteps echoing off the stone floor, i marched up through the great hall and into the throne room)


    Well bah, you get my basic point. Your dialogue is weak, your far to reliant on props and stage directions to make your characters moods stand out, and your main character, though the story is only a few paragraphs in, has established herself as a spoiled and uncaring brat... her behaviour in the following passages, during her confrontation with her father, can be likened to that of a child... and its hard to maintain interest in a story where the main character is wholly unlikable.
    I wouldn't say that the concept of the story is bad. and as a matter of fact, i can tell that you are a talented writer, but this story needs alot of revision in my mind before it can become anything even mildly capable of grabbing and catching the readers attention.

    My suggestion would be to sit down and do a little work on your characters... If Lekina is bad of temper, then their are better ways of expressing it than turning her into a brat. If her master is cold, then he needs to be cold 100% if the time, and if he's going to scold her for her temper, then he should really have his under control.
    Secondly, in issue to your dialogue, I would suggest reading it aloud, perhaps even having a couple of friends help you with it... Does it sound like something anyone would really say?
    The story has potential, but it still needs alot of work.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 1.

    • Nesa Lyrel
      November 25, 2007
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      Thank you so much for this nice comment.

      I don't understand what you mean when you just put a sentence in () towards the end...

      As for turning the girl into a brat, that was exactly what I was going for. She IS a brat - spoiled beyond belief. It's Lekina looking back on all of this; there is a great deal more to the story afterwards.

      Everyone is a bit tightly wound...after all...there tension brewing over things in the kingdom. If they all have short fuses, that's what I was going for again...But I do understand your comments...I'll take a look.

      The dialogue: I don't expect for someone to say it now...It's supposed to sound a bit pretentious and awkward - she is standing on ceremony after all. When Lekina is alone or just with Coria, things are a bit different...

      As for the stage directions, I feel that when I read a story, I find that "he said," "she said" gets old very quickly. It could just be my preference, but I think that speech needs something more - something to give it life and emotion, not just words being "said." I suppose that I could use "he said" a bit more, but I kind of like my directions *smiles shyly*

      And no, I don't hate you, and I'm not trying to dispute what you have said. I'm just giving you MY reaction to your comments. They do have a lot of merit.

      Thank you SO much again!


  • Ayesha Raees
    November 7, 2007

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    wow this is really very good!
    i like it a lot!
    no wait... I LOVE IT!
    when i was reading the first paragraphs, i thought that it was a boy but then i was kinda surprised when i read that she was a girl.
    I know how she must feel... lol

    i also like the part when her own duplicate thingy kills her father... though i think that idea is taken from a number of animes, cartoon series and drama series that i have watched but still, the idea is still quite common.
    The idea of magic and spells was very exciting to read and i totally loved it!
    good luck in the contest.!


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    November 6, 2007
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    Wow, I great read! You have certainly spent a considerable amount of time on this story. I found this to be a great read and very interesting.

    Good Job! And Good Luck!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Kitzwa
    October 29, 2007

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    I disagree with KiNKyAngel. I thought it was very clear who your characters were. The only problem was that I didn't realize the main character was a girl for a while and that's okay. It's hardly a minor mistake if a mistake at all. I thought it was very well written. Good luck on writing future installments and I don't think it needs a prologue. I think the story is set up enough in this first part.


  • plurangel silver member
    October 22, 2007

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    first off, I do not know whether this is a continuation to another story, or what. It was kind of hard to understand who the characters were but I will give you credit on (sort of) capturing me in with the essence of the characters, while reading I was remembering when I saw resident evil: extinction (long story short, first RE movie, sorta confused but caught up with the story and who's who very quickly)i love the name lekina. very originial and pretty. im kinda wondering where you came up with it. another thing i loved was this line "I needed my own identity, not simply 'daughter of the blood' or 'princess.' No, I wanted to be my own person, to make my own decisions. "

    Now for the bad, i admired your ability to try to wrap me in, like i said in the beginning but i did have one advantage when i was watching Resident evil: i had IMDB webpage on my phone with me in the theatre. this i don't have an advantage remotely close to this. i'm sorry to say but it was probably my ADD that caused me to lose focus on the story. overall i think this story is good, maybe trophy worthy idk just yet. but thank you for entering my contest. and goodluc

    • Nesa Lyrel
      October 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the nice comment!

      This isn't a continuation of a story...I kind of tried to throw the reader directly into the action BEFORE explaining who is who. There will probably be a prologue before this story... but I haven't written that just yet. I thought that the very few number of characters (I believe there are about 3 in the beginnin - Lekina, the king, and the master) wouldn't be TOO confusing. Sorry it it was...

      As for the name...I did what I always do...typed in random letters on my keyboard then fixed it up to make it sound pretty. I've played around with her name for quite some time, but I think Lekina has got it nailed.

      Again, thanks for the nice comment!


  • Oleander
    October 19, 2007

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    Wow. This is engrossing. I loved the story. It really did leave me asking for more. I want to to know more about the magick and what happens to her. You should definately continue this story! THanks for entering.

  • Jinxgirl
    October 16, 2007

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    interesting, this is a good beginning to a story. it's apparent that you have worked on this a lot.


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    October 7, 2007

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    very good story, I liked it a lot. It was a nice twist when the murderer was a shapeshifter, I didn't see that coming. I was thinking that maybe the soldier at the gate was involved with the whole thing. But then the murderer looked like her! My eyes actually widened in surprise.

    The one suggestion I can make is to make it more apparent earlier what her gender is. That's the problem I see with first person most of the time. I didn't know she was a girl until she said she was a daughter.

    Other than that, good job, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this.

    Good luck in the contest.


  • The Poetic Prince
    October 2, 2007

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    This was well written. You used just the right ammount of detail, involing setting, characters, and other elements (ex. her magic). Good luck in the contest

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • happy go lucky13
    October 1, 2007
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    very nice detail, i wish you had finished it. good job


  • LostShadow silver member
    September 25, 2007
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    Thanks for entering. I liked this and how it captured my interest. I liked how the characters had a realistic element to them and how the story held some mystery to it.

    Thanks for entering and i'm sorry its taking so long to jugde (graduating school etc)

    Keep up the great work and goodluck

    Emma


  • Holey Pastry
    September 21, 2007

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    Nice! I like how there's a sort of mystery to it, and yet, well...I don't know what comes after the yet. I just got out of school and my head hurts too much to comment really well.

    I do know this, it was an awesome write, and I like how you said that it took you a lot of time to get the way it is now. At least I know you're like me!

    Good luck in the contest!

    H.P.


  • Bitter Irony
    September 17, 2007

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    As I'm reading this story for the "Voice your thoughts" contest, my comment will deal mostly with tone.

    I like your choice of viewpoint for this story: the reader understands the main character a lot better by seeing her through first rather than third person.

    Watch out for purple prose, or description so over-the-top that it jolts the reader out of the story. For example, "the stars swooned in jelousy" in the first paragaph.

    Also be wary of speaker tags that don't contain the word "said": muttered, snapped, screamed, etc. are fine, but they do call attention to themselves. Using the word "said" allows the dialog to speak for itself, and keeps the reader's attention focused on the story rather than the words.

    Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!

    beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 1.


  • Token Massacre silver member
    September 11, 2007
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    I got cut off before I was able to post my comment.
    I was unable to find anything wrong with your structure, which impressed me A LOT. I am not normally one to read stories like these, but found myself enjoying the story and the flow. I am impressed with the whole thing. Well done and thank you for entering.

  • Baba Jojo
    September 1, 2007
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    ahan, very good. Nice take on the ordinary stuff to make it extra-oridnary.

    Nice job here!


  • Taylor Renee
    August 28, 2007
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    Hah
    Just wanted to show I commented on this again for the contest
    This is my third comment and like 5th time reading this!
    I really did like it a lot

    Congrads for being nominated, good luck!!!!

    oxox
    Tay


  • Andrew Timothy
    August 21, 2007

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    Ooo, very nice. You have captured and peeked my interest. This is marvelous, all those won trophies witness to that.

    I have no critiques of anything, truly, wonderful job.

    Good luck in the contest, and congrats on being nominated.


  • I Dare to Dream
    August 20, 2007

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    This was awesome, excellent. I love the emotions, the descriptions, the dialogue, all wonderful. I would have liked a better description of the master, but that's just me. It was excellent work, and very good job! Good luck!


  • lovely nightmare
    August 7, 2007

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    This was really good. I was surprised that she wasn't more angry about an imposter using her image..with her quick temper it seemed something she'd be more upset about. Or the fact that she was a prisoner in her own quarters. Well done, good luck!


  • Sunless Spirit
    August 3, 2007
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    GREAT STORY THOUGH

  • Sunless Spirit
    August 3, 2007

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    TOOO long, I spent half my time reading it!jk
    I was reading another book while reading the beggining in which I did not understand, but good work


  • Isabella Swan
    July 31, 2007

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    I looooooooooooooooved this!!! It's amazing!!! I thought the character seemed very realistic. And ooooohhhhh I can't beleive you left it on a cliff hanger!!! I have to read what's next! The detail is very good. At first I thought maybe the imposter was her mother but it was her! That surprised me! (In a good way) This story is very imaginitive. The imagery was really good too. Great Job!!! Your definitely a finalist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    July 27, 2007

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    I liked this!

    I thought this was a very good story. The character has so much depth, it makes her very relateable. I didn't really like the fact that she's such a spitfire, but lol..that makes it interesting. tee hee.
    Good Job and Good luck!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    June 29, 2007

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    Wow.. not your average heroine indeed! She throws a tantrum, misunderstands certain things that her "master" tried to explain... this makes her so real, believable, in the sense that I can relate with her so much my only gripe is that it feels a bit unfinished... but that could be a good thing since we CAN read more when you continue anyway good luck with the contest


  • asthray.heart
    June 20, 2007

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    This was good, thanks for entering my contest, there is not much to say about this I loved it.

    Lady Madeline.

  • Taylor Renee
    June 19, 2007
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    Like I said before, I think this was really good. I just read it again, and I think its really good.
    Great work.
    And thanks again for entering the contest!!!
    xoxo
    Tayy


  • Unpredictable Lover
    June 17, 2007

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    "I was his first apprentice, no one else making it past "pupil stage, and his most powerful."


    You forgot a " at the end of "pupil stage"...^.^




    Wow, very well done! I absolutely love it! It was a great idea to make it seem like the kings own daughter would kill him. Plus, it seems believable considering the fact that she had been angry with him and shouting at him earlier. I really love this, good job ^.^

    • Nesa Lyrel
      June 19, 2007
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      I fixed the typo....hehe, I think I'd noticed it before and just never had the chance to correct it. Thanks for pointing it out though!

  • Taylor Renee
    June 16, 2007

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    I'm actually kinda upset that you got so many critisicing comments, because I think this was pretty good.
    I do agree with the pace thing, but if most of happebns later I think this would be fine when it's all put together.
    I think you did a really nice job with this!
    The style of the writing is nice, and this type of a story keeps the reader engaged.
    Love the cliffhanger, very nice spot to leave us
    Keep up the good work!
    xoxo
    Tay


  • Phoenix Orion
    June 15, 2007

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    Paragraph 9...equally as famous, it just doesn't sound right to me. You might want to look at that again.

    how old is Lekina? From paragraph 11 to paragraph 15 she is acting much like a young cousin of mine when she doesn't get her way, and that cousin is 9...I understand Lekina is royalty and therefore a spoiled brat, but you might want to tell us how old she is.

    In paragraph 29, if the rage was beyond words why does she say "I'll kill you," it just doesn't fit the rest of the paragraph.

    Paragraph 34, "good as a dead man," doesn't fit a female character that well, plus, with the way you've been describing everything else, you are more creative than that. Don't use an old cliche if you are creative enough to come up with your own saying.

    This was good, I loved the detail, though I have one question. You detailed the surroundings, the magic and even the king's clothing, but you didn't describe the master, or the maid, or the king, or even the real murderer except for who they were. You did an alright job of describing Lekina, but you could do better with how you described everything else. Don't forget to describe people, because I felt like I was actually in the story, until I kept meeting people who didn't have any features. Just something to work on.

    • Nesa Lyrel
      June 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the great comment! I'll be sure to look at (and probably change) the things that you mentioned. Thanks for the help!


  • Radiance
    May 22, 2007

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    This was fantastic. I enjoyed it a great deal, and I really think it was good. It was easy to keep up with and enthralling.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

  • MDavid
    May 7, 2007

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    Ah here again is the problem with submiting half a story to a contest that is to impress me. How happy do you think I am with half a story. That is like only giving me half a donut, half a pay check, or finding out the bridge is only half done as I'm sailing over the end of it.

    You had me, it could have been a contender but now I am left undone.

    Since you're able to write, then write or submit something I can sink my teeth into that has an ending.

    Good luck.


  • Amelia-Anne-Black
    April 18, 2007

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    I did enjoy this. The descriptions are nice, although the story was a tad bit rushed. I liked it. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck in the others!

    • Nesa Lyrel
      April 19, 2007
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      Thanks for the comment. The story is supposed to be a little rushed, as the real meat of the story takes place AFTER this section. If you're interested, I have the second chapter (called A Dishonest Request) already up. So you can take a look if you'd like and see what I mean about the pacing.


  • passion29
    January 28, 2007
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    you have a very similiar writing style to my one good friend. and i love her writing, so that means i love yours! well done congrats, a nice piece..


  • Xanadath
    November 28, 2006

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    As this is intended to continue as a longer work, then I shall comment with that in mind.

    Pace is something you might need to work on. While the act of writing can seem laborious, remember the act of reading is something like 1 minute to every hour of your typing. For a novel length work, which I assume the pace is set for, the action happens entirely too quickly... unless the real meat of the story is about consequences and struggles after a murder which if watched in a film would happen in the first few minutes after the opening credits roll.

    Pacing. It's all about pace, timing, flow and details... your work to date is good for a much shorter work, perhaps novella size or smaller, but then I don't know what else you might have planned. The pace does seem to indicate a work smaller than novel length.

    For a longer work, I would consider greater development of the first two "parts". The apprentice aspect, then the royalty aspect. Whole chapters could be played out just elaborating on those two sides. Another side could be a deeper examination of characteristics beyond rage. What of love, fear, etc? Since rage is most focused on, it seems almost uncharacteristic of your MC to "help" the guards. I'd have expected them to bear the brunt of a wrath for being off the job at such a situation she found herself in.

    Overall, excellent detailing and a most vivid dream-like flow. It was quite easy to read.

    I hope this helps.

    -Kevin

    • Nesa Lyrel
      November 28, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, it does help. Thanks! And the main focus of the story will be on what happens after the murder. I know it's kind of hard to understand withe just the first chapter here.

      I do appreciate the comments on exploring her other traits and how it is out of character for her to help the guards.

      Thanks again for the great critique!!


  • Golden Guardian
    November 13, 2006
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    I think I like it better the second time around. Good job.


  • TheLittleOne-Paul
    October 29, 2006

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    Go deeper for more effects

    Your contest submission meets all of the contest requirements with ease. Your story has a female action hero character and she is definitely portrayed as being involved in major adversity (i.e.-overthrow of her father the king) and conflict (i.e.-finding out who killed her father), fighting the good fight (i.e.-assuming her rightful place on the throng). Good job at fitting your story into the contest and helping in the battle to get more female action characters into newly developed stories.

    Now let me give you some of my impressions on your story

    > The storyline and plotlines are both well designed and
    executed. As you are dealing with a somewhat typical storyline here I would shoot for the introduction of another special or unique twist or turn in the story/plot that would set this story apart from the rest of those published in this gndre. To give readers something special to think of when they see your name associated with a story.

    > The scene settings and presentation to the readers are well
    developed and their execution was smooth in their
    implementation. While the scenes of the story are well set, I think you could take just good scenes and make them breathe taking with the addition of more depth and detailing.

    > The character descriptions and dialogue were very well
    presented to the reader and were in good support of the story
    and plot. Here again you have just good characters and could turn them into remarkable characters with the addition of more depth and detailing. In particular the king himself could be flushed out considerably more.

    > The use of the conflict component between the MC and her teacher and father are both well used to move the storyline and the plotline forward and to keep the overall pace of the story moving along at a nice readable clip. You might want to examine the very faint conflict situation you have established between the MC and the other group of magicians who are behind the overthrow. You have managed to just tickle the reader with this conflict, in hopes of building and using this in subsequent chapters and it might serve these future chapters well if you hooked this conflict into the reader here a little deeper while you have the chance.

    All in all this is a very well designed and developed story. It is well presented to the reader. It is executed hand in hand with good reader interest and it holds the reader’s attention throughout the reading. Excellent writing. Excellent display of a true female action hero character.

    Paul


    • Nesa Lyrel
      November 3, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thanks for the great comment! I'll work on that stuff and make the story the best I can. Thanks for the help!

  • wolfbane8
    July 3, 2006

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    Good!!!!!!

    I liked it. It was pretty good although I didnt really get it. It was a bit wierd but i am sure other eple would hav loved it.

    • Nesa Lyrel
      July 10, 2006
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      May I inquire as to what part you "didn't really get"? I would love to know how I can improve my story and make it clearer to everyone who reads it.


  • Rebel Rebel silver member
    May 13, 2006

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    Fanciful Story.

    Enough action that it gave us a great adventure. Good characters. There will have to be more as the end has got us so worked up that we must simply know more.

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 1, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

  • Golden Guardian
    May 12, 2006

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    For a work in progress, it's very good. The main character seemed to be a bit young to me (what, with her outbursts), but that added to the realism of the story, and as I found out, had importance near the end. It leaves me with so many questions at the end, but that's the point, as I assume this is the first chapter of the story. I found the plot a little typical, but you fixed that by adding great character development and intrigue. Great start. I'm looking forward to reading more.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

  • BloodStainedSoul
    December 9, 2005
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    this is a good wright i can wait to read more of your stuff


  • Juliette Rose
    December 9, 2005
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    awesome write

    I want more! It is a really good story, but it is kind of left unfinished...but it leaves me on the hook. well, good luck in your contest and also please notify me if you write a sequel I'd really like to read it. <3-juliette rose

  • Cobalt Blue
    December 9, 2005
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    Wow I was a little dissapointed when I got to the end and realized that this wasent finished. I can't wait to read more from you.

  • LaBelle
    November 26, 2005
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    Well, you better keep writing this story (if you already haven't) because it's really good! This sounds like the intro to a book I would buy; I love everything about it. One of the setences caught my eye, too: "The sun looked pale next to my magic, and the stars swooned in jealousy."

  • freakaboutfrosty
    June 1, 2005
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    wow

    this is so great! i wish i could write like you. you get a gold star. and i faved you


  • dragondancer
    May 28, 2005
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    Just Pre-Judging

    Strange...this seems...unfinished. The story-line is good and everything. There were a few points were I wondered about somethings like what the king actually looked like and such...perhaps a few names to things or maybe a quick glance at the landscape/scene would be good too. You focus so much in the "me, me" stage that you've forgotten that the reader (when interested) will want to know everything from what time of day it is to what color the soil under the girl's feet is. Basically, try adding some (not a terrible lot) of descriptions in here or there. It'll add just a little more definition to your lovely [unfinished] work.

    Now don't get angry or remove this from the contest just yet, but I have to do my "grading" and critiquing now.

    PG-18...Yes...10/10
    Opt. List...No...0/10
    Grammaticks...Good...8/10
    Comment Box...Yes...10/10
    Missing Apples...Yes...10/10
    Comprehension...Great...10/10
    Proof of Rules...No...0/10
    Story...Yes...10/10
    Per...Good...18/20
    TOTAL...76

  • Wickedly
    May 27, 2005
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    Wouldn't him saying that anger sound better then the anger?

    "A mage was never supposed to be angry when there was still magic within." <- Wouldn't there always be magic within a mage? Maybe you could explain this a bit better.

    wow, she is filled with such rage! You end this story at a great place, really leaving the reader in suspense. One thing that I'd like to comment on is that your writing is getting a lot better. Grammar, plot...everything just worked beautiful. I can only wish I were this talented!

  • Eleika
    May 26, 2005
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    Fantastic

    This is good. I, too, look forward to reading more ... you have quite the knack for description, and you well-conveyed the princess' feelings of anger. I am not online much, though ... drop me a line at eleika (at) shaw (dot) ca, because I'd love to read the rest.

  • freakaboutfrosty
    May 20, 2005
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    glad to know you aren't finished. i got to the end and couldn't believe it was over. very good/ i love it, please IM me when you put the rest up!

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