Lives of mayhem pt 4

Wednesday, February 1st 20061

My mind is pounding and my head is spinning.  I just want to end my sorrow and seek it no more in the depths of my lonely heart.  I have been stalking my small room in search of some reassurance.  Is life supposed to be hard?  Am I supposed to want to end something so valiant?  2

~*~3

I actually did leave the solitude of my room and retreated to the games room where Murray turned and walked out as soon as he saw me nearing the frame of the door.  He pushed me aside and hurried down the hallway towards Phoenix’s room, mumbling inarticulate words as he passed.  I sat down in a large sofa and flipped through the television channels.  4

Soon, Kerri had nestled comfortably beside me and smiled when I looked at her.  She leaned her head on my shoulder, which totally took me by surprise.  I looked down at her and she looked very timid and sad, unlike the girl I met yesterday.  She seemed much younger and at youth with her face scrunched up in unhappiness.  I couldn’t help but pity her sorrow.  I timidly asked her what was the matter.  She smiled peevishly and cocked her eyes toward the television set.  She watched in silence as a tear rolled down her faultless face.  I held her close, although we spoke little we felt one another’s pain, and without words we shared our sympathy.  5

Kerrigan peered into my eyes and took me by the hand and whispered nervously,6

“Ayden, never let me go—I need you”7

“We hardly know each other, but somehow I am oddly attracted to you… we can get to now each other.  You can trust your heart with me, but be careful with my heart, it is very fragile and it has been broken and repaired several times.”  8

Kerri impishly smiled and closed her eyes drifting into dreamland.  I left her sleeping until I too fell asleep.  I was woken up by the sound of hushed whispering.  I jerked my head up and saw Phoenix and Murray hovering over Kerri and I, both winking. 9

Murray feverishly said, 10

“Man, we really need to talk.  I am being such a dumbass—Is it possible to leave her hanging and come and chill with me for a bit?”    11

I looked down at the sleeping Kerri, and slowly moved her drooping head against the sofa and gradually made my way out from under her comatose body.12

Murray and I discussed the situation that had played out the other night.  Murray fully understood the situation and how I could feel at fault at for my friends’ deaths.  I was the driver, I was behind the wheel, and I was intoxicated.  How could I have been so stupid?  13

Murray and I solved out differences and he explained to me about his time spent with the dancer, Phoenix.  He was telling me about her perfect life, perfect friends, and perfect future.  Everything was laid out for her, prepared for her to take that step towards her future.14

Murray explained to me how he felt like he lost a brother when he turned his back on me.  Am I cruel for not being sorry for anything.  I wasn’t even gone astray without him.  I found a friend in myself.  Murray disregarded me and threw me away like a piece of trash when he was given a tidbit of my life story.  15

Murray made me feel little when he turned his back on me.  16

Thus I dedicate this poem to him,     17

Disregarded 18

Played for a fool19

Believed to break 20

The setting rules21

My mind is melting22

With every degrading chant23

Poking me incessantly24

Making me snap25

Depression has become my alter ego26

Taking me through sadness and woe 27

Guiding me down a winding road 28

Slowly we go29

You push 30

I pull31

Trying to fit in this world32

Seen as a smaller person33

The sun setting in my dank prison34

I am afraid to show myself35

The world is forsaking my thoughts36

The label beckons me37

I feel alone 38

Unable to Breathe39

My self-esteem dies40

My head spins 41

My tears drip somberly42

My heart feels dry43

I pick apart my feelings44

Finding every lie45

I bring truth to everyone46

You drift out of my head47

I peer into my mind48

You’re gone once again49

Until next time50

On no one else, I will never depend51

I’ve helped myself52

I stand up tall53

And take a stance54

I will never have to fall55

Courage whistles at my side56

I take it into my arms57

Grasping it with my life58

I will never let go of my identity again59

I have become my own best friend 60

~*~61

Thursday, February 2nd 200662

Life 63

Death64

Heaven65

Hell66

Devil67

God68

Light69

Darkness70

Loneliness71

Fear72

Sentiments73

Longing74

Happiness75

Nature76

Existence77

Friday, February 3rd 200678

I spent the day with Murray, Phoenix and Kerrigan.  We sat and watched television and talked of past and future, but as usual I kept silent as to my past.  I just can’t bear to explain my fathers’ death, my peer interaction, and how my best friends all passed away.  We were discussing how we’d be much happier away from this hospital.  Soon after a nurse told us it was time for bed.  Ten o’clock rolled around and we were still together when we were to be in the comfort of our rooms.  We parted with nothing more than exchanges of glances and a kind ‘goodnight’.  We edged toward our rooms where I crawled into a nightmare.     79

Ghastly Friend80

As night prevails, shrill voices of owls bellow in the distance,81

As the village rests, he stalks his prey, scurries the ground and glistens beyond your windowpane.82

He creeps towards your bed, taking on many shapes,83

He whispers over your lament face.84

He crawls above the sheets,85

And sneaks into your dreams.86

He stalks life during nightfall,87

And casts skeletal shadows upon your wall.88

Blue wraithlike light illuminates as he rises, by day he sleeps, by night he creeps,89

He leaves behind a ghoulish glow as he travels through the dimly lit streets.90

He plunges into a sea of emotions, which reflect his piercing light,91

You awaken with a shudder, you quiver with a scream and nightmares take flight.92

He sits next to you silently and takes you by the hand,93

He guides you through the stars, through un-forgetful lands.94

You return home to find dreams again, 95

The ghastly sandman has now become your friend.96

~*~97

Monday, February 6th 200698

Kerrigan has a life unlike anyone I have ever met.  She ran away from home at fifteen years of age.  She has not told me the reason to why she had left home so young.  She was homeless for sometime and lived in the streets.  She said she was involved in some stupid things such as drugs, and sexual trade.  She sold her body for money to live.  99

She told me that problems occurred in her life that she can’t even bear to go through the pain in memories.  I guess I’m not the only one who has skeletons in my closet; Kerrigan and I are quite similar if you ask me.  I have feelings for Kerrigan, yet I do not know if it is just an infatuation.  100

~*~101

Tuesday, February 7th 2005102

Kerri and I spent the whole afternoon together, getting lost within our feelings.  I felt as if we’ve known each other forever.  She told me about her family life and homelessness.  I felt like I was pulled deeper into depression to know how much she has suffered throughout her life.  103

I was searching for myself within her pain and I swam throughout my own emotions, trying to discover why I am so unhappy, when some people have it far worse than I do.  104

I held Kerri in my arms while her tears slowly rolled down her lament face.  I watched her, as my tears drifted down my cheeks and their salty taste drizzled past my dry and parted lips. I cried in secrecy for my own life, but mostly for the pain Kerri was feeling.  I wanted to make it all go away, just battle away the evil spirits casting sadness within her heart and pushing away her happiness. 105

~*~106

Thursday, February 9th 2005107

Why did he not feel shame for what he did?  Kerrigan’s father is by far the most rotten soul to have ever been accepted into this world.  He came to visit Kerri, and if the smell of whisky on his breath would have been any stronger, he could have killed an army of soldiers with just one gust of breath.  108

Kerrigan fell into depression the moment she rested her eyes on this drunken man.  She told me to stay with her until he left, and I did so.  Her father seemed angry at my presence and kept whispering words that churned my stomach and punched me in the side as if I wasn’t even present.  109

Later, Kerrigan explained to me that she lived with her mother and younger brother alone for many years.  Her mother left their father when she realized he was abusing the family physically.  Kerrigan was seven years of age when she they left her father.  110

Kerri told me that on her fifteenth birthday she re-met her father and her mother gave him another chance.  He claimed that he had gotten help for his temper and alcohol problem.  Kerrigan’s mother fell for him again, and took him back. 111

Kerrigan explained that her father snuck into her room during the night and violated her.  She cried and whimpered as she told me and she made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone.  I am the only person who knows her secret.  Kerrigan told me that she ran away because her mother didn’t believe her when she told her what her father was doing.  She sold herself on the streets and she said she wasn’t proud of what she has done. Kerrigan kept stalling and I know that she is still holding something back from me, but I understand her pain.  I wish she would be happy and never have to worry about her familial pain again.  112

She’s a wonderful girl, but her life is filled with so much unhappiness.  I wish the world for her, I wish her to smile like life never bore the things she’d seen or been through. There is just so much that time just can’t erase.    113

Kerrigan’s poem114

Cut and paste life115

Plagiarizing sanity116

Stealing ideas 117

Misinterpreting facts118

And judging on non fiction119

Pretending to be everything and more120

Losing hope, beginning to cry121

Walking these streets alone122

Taking needles from her past123

Remembering the pain and suffering124

Spiteful from reality125

Hiding fears deep inside a box126

Shoving it between hopes and dreams127

Dieing to be noticed 128

Standing on the corner129

Degrading self worth130

Gaining internal sadness131

Tears falling within her thoughts132

Memories drenching her soul133

Running away from who she used to be134

Becoming someone else135

Every man is taking away her dignity136

Feeling worthless and confused137

Remembering the pain he put her through138

Tearing at her thoughts and whispering in her soul139

Those memories are growing harder to control140

Oh, her father took away her innocence141

And the little girl she used to be.142

~*~143

Saturday, February 11th 2005144

Time is like a bomb, ticking inside my mind, my feelings ready to explode with just one move.  Kerri has been avoiding me; I think she is upset about letting me into her life.  She won’t leave her room, and when I go to see her she hides her face in shame and tells me to leave her alone.  145

I think I have fallen in love with her.  It’s been a short time, but my heart trembles every time I hear her voice.  I just want to hold her in my arms and make her pain disappear.  Life hasn’t been fair to her and I want to love her until the hurt goes away.  146

~*~147

Murray told me to give her some time, although he doesn’t know about the secrets in her past.  Murray and Phoenix have been spending quite some time together and I think that they are hiding their feelings from the nurses.  Rule: “No emotional entanglements.”  Broken rule?  I think so!  Murray and Phoenix versus me, Ayden and Kerrigan.  Why do you meet people in the strangest places… like a rehab center?  148

Murray is getting worse, he screams at night so everyone could hear.  He asks for a small fix, and the nurses can’t help him.  They inject him with their venomous needles and pierce his skin until he calms down and rests peacefully within his bed.  Phoenix is still quite “petite” but I think she is improving.  I feel really small too.  I just want Kerri to accept me back into her life.  I want her to know that I care for her.  I don’t want to bring any more calamities into her life.  149

~*~150

I’ve been thinking lately, maybe everything isn’t as good on the other side.  Death, but it always seems so good to want to end everything, like nothing could ever go wrong, or no one could ever bring you down.  I wish I was perfect, but it’s not worth it.  I wanted to be real for Kerri, but it’s not worth it either.  I guess I’m just better off alone.  151

My life is empty, but my feelings are getting crazy and I just want to believe that I can love Kerri, and I want her to let me love her.  I guess being alone isn’t much different than my regular lifestyle; I tried to let someone into my soul, yet she pushed me away.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out and put on display so the world could know of the pain I am feeling.  I want to lie down and kick and scream till my face turns blue.  I want to pound a hole through the floor and crawl into to it where I can hide from everyone and be alone.  I just want to be someone else, I want to be happy, I want my perfect family back, I want my friends to be alive, I want to play my music, I want to be free from the ghostly spirits of my past.  How can I rid the memories that drill a hole into my skull and suck out my brain?  How can I stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling happy?  Why can’t I be normal? Life sucks but it still goes on until we die. 152

~*~153