Sleeping Beauty (The story you were never told)

1

One day, in an obnoxiously cliche fairy tale world, a girl was born to a king and queen. She was incredibly ugly, cross-eyed and had a crooked nose. They were so repulsed by her ugliness, that they held a feast for all the fairies to come and fix their little monster. 2

An old fairy with an atrocious pink updo, hammock-sized breasts, and lip liner smeared across her face, flew up to the little girl. She pulled out some fairy dust and threw it into the girl's eyes. The girl fell to the ground, grasping at her eyes and moaning in pain, temporarily blinded. The old fairy rolled her eyes. "Kids." She muttered, then proceeded to hit the girl over the head with a cane. King Henry snickered softly, while the queen's upper lip twitched with held-back laughter. 3

"So I gave her beauty, yatta yatta yatta. When she wakes up tomorrow, she'll be America's Next Top Model. That, or she'll end up in the Playboy Mansion. Oh, and she'll have big knockers. You owe me." She glared menacingly at the King, who thanked her graciously with a new pair of false teeth. 4

All of a sudden, the doors to the castle flew open and a sexy long-legged fairy flew up. She winked at the king, who drooled over the sight of her. "You bitches didn't invite me?" She crossed her arms over her chest, pouting. 5

"Oh Ella Ella eh eh eh." The king was all hot and bothered, which caused him to sing a cheesey yet addicting pop song. He did a quick, "Call me" sign, before coughing and patting the Queen's hand. 6

"What's the meaning of this, you witchy woman, you?" She growled at the fairy. 7

"Oh, I dunno. I mean, I'm in a pretty bad mood tonight. I lost this poker game and I had gambled my wand..and ya know, I kinda need that, being a fairy and all. So I thought I'd crash the party, and make someone feel more miserable than I am right now. So, is this the brat? She's an ugly one, that's for sure." 8

Ella flicked the girl's forehead, which had a large bruise from the cane. Her ugly slanted eyes were covered in tears by now. 9

"Well, lemme see what I can do without my wand." The fairy then flew up to the snack bar and asked the waiter for a brown paper bag. Upon receiving said paper bag, she flew back and threw it over the girl's head.10

"I honestly think she's too ugly to poke eyes and a mouth in the bag. Well anyways, I have Gamblers Anonymous to get to real soon." 11

"Oh thank you so much Ella, you've saved us!" The king cried, pressing his lips to the fairy's hand which lasted longer than formality required. 12

"Let's have a bet, Ella." The Queen perked a brow, smirking at the fairy who shrugged.13

"This child is disgusting that I'm ashamed she came out of me. I blame Henry for that one."14

"It takes two to tango, dear."15

"She's so hideous that I doubt any man will take her even if the dowry were to be the crown. I don't even think any women will take her. Maybe a barn animal, if it were blind perhaps.. How about this. You put her under some ridiculous spell that can only be released by a kiss of her true love. I don't know what the spell should be. Turn her into a pumpkin or make her sleep for a thousand years or something, I don't know. Be creative. If the curse is broken, you can marry Henry, and I'll step down as Queen. If not, then I forbid you to ever see my husband again." 16

"It's a deal. Just give me a sec." She snatched the wand out of the older fairy's hand, and poked the little girl in the eye with it. 17

"Listen to me you little monster, you better not screw this up for me. You hear me?!" She yelled into the girls ear, who was now lying on the ground holding her twitching eyes and screaming.18

"Ok...so how does the spell work?" The Queen asked, tilting her head curiously. "I just want to get this over and done with."19

"Well, she needs to prick her finger on a spindle."20

"That's it? Slaves?!" She snapped her fingers, and her servants brought forth a wooden spindle. King Henry took the small hand of the girl and impaled it on the needle. She instantly fell into a deep slumber, and the castle erupted with cheers.21

"Well, looks like it's time to party!" The festival lasted for many days on end. The girl's body was left in a tower where her ugliness would never have to be seen again. No one saw the change from the older fairy's spell, however. The girl grew up as the years passed, and she became more and more beautiful.22

The local drunk stumbled into the tower one day. He was hairy, bald and fat, who stunk terribly and had sweat stains on his armpits and bugs crawling in his hair. He stumbled over to the bed where she laid and grinned like a perverted old man.23

"Why what do we have here?! A little precious wench." He took another swig from his vodka bottle and leaned down to kiss her on the lips. Instantly her eyes opened.24

"My true love?" She was repulsed by him in every way, shape and form. She was then forced to marry the man, and kissing him made her want to throw up her dinner and she was forced to brush her teeth fifty times a day.25

Meanwhile.. The sexy fairy kicked the Queen out of the castle for losing the bet, and lived a happily ever after life with King Henry, where they had gorgeous half-breed children. The Queen ended up living with a blind barn animal, happily ever after.