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Mike Gardner sent the empty beer mug sliding across the bar top. 2 3
"Fill ‘er up, Misty," he yelled. The dirty blond-haired babe of a bartender turned her hips and strode over to his empty glass. 4 5
"Mr. Sheriff, much more of that and you're gonna find yourself on the other side of those handcuffs of yours." She sneaked a smile and took his glass. As she turned around and filled the mug with that sweet liquid gold, Sheriff Mike Gardner adjusted his belt and leaned across the bar. This night he was gonna score, guaranteed. 6 7
"Busy tonight?" He asked.8 9
"Oh you know, just the same old crowd." Someone beckoned her across the bar. "Here you are," she said as she strolled off, her high heels clapping the floor as she walked. He stared at the brim-filled glass on the bar, desperately screaming for relief. He knew his day with Misty wasn't far off; he only had to keep patience. Yes, patience was the key. He brought the glass up to his lips. The door buzzer rang and a dark-suited man entered. Not a soul heard the buzz. The sheriff lowered his glass and smeared his beer covered lips with his fuzzy, red tongue. What a night, he thought. What a night. With an entire week off duty starting Monday, he was gonna celebrate this Sunday night the best way he knew. The dark-suited man walked in unnoticed and took a seat far off to the right. Mike brought out a pack of Marlboro. 10 11
The mysterious man settled himself strategically in the corner chair. At this time of night, the corner was entirely shrouded in darkness. His face would not be seen. He brought out a small, yellow notepad from his right coat pocket and tore off the first leaf. He inhaled deeply for five seconds, releasing for five seconds. He repeated. From his coat pocket he extracted a tiny, metallic object. He brought it up and let it catch the light, sending a small glint of light briefly into the bartender's eyes. She turned around. He had gotten her attention. 12 13
The sheriff inhaled the cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs, and exhaled. A cloud of smoke curled up in front of his vision, blocking the bar from his view. He glanced at his watch; a quarter ‘till midnight. With one final gulp from his now near-empty glass, he prepared to leave. He slid the cigarette pack into his breast pocket and ran his hands through his hair. The dark-suited man slid out the exit door silently, disappearing into the infinite black of night. The sheriff was approaching the exit. A cold hand clawed at him from behind. 14 15
He turned quickly, only to find Misty, shaking and terrified, staring back at him. Her eyes were giant pits of darkness, her face was paper-white, and her hand was outstretched. 16 17
"Dear god, Misty- what happened?" She brought her terrified eyes down to her outstretched hand. He noticed a yellow piece of paper sticking out of her cold, shaking hands. He cautiously took the paper and brought it up to his face. In a strange dark ink, there were words:18 19
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Hello Michael Gardner.22 23
"To be, or not to be, that is the question."24 25
You know what I am talking about.26 27
For years you thought that justice had evaded you. 28 29
For years you thought you could get away with murder. 30 31
For years you have tried to forget.32 33
For years you have struggled with your guilt. 34 35
For years you have contemplated the question:36 37
"To be, or not to be?"38 39
For years you have lacked the courage to do what is necessary.40 41
You have chosen to be, in spite of justice, in spite of your guilt.42 43
You, Michael Gardner, 4445
are not to be. 46 47
Your suicide will follow promptly. 48 49
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Did the story seem rushed?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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That was a good story. Not much I can say bad about it. Only two things I can think of; one is grammar related, the other is flow.
Grammar- don't put a space or an enter or whatever you're doing after each paragraph, it's messing up the count. it'll count a paragraph as two when you do that.
Flow- Try not to have a speaking part right before an action of someone else. It's hardly noticeable in this, but in other stories it's an unwritten rule to have the same person act as the speaker, that way the person's actions and speaking are clumped together, such as:
NOT: "Another round, please." The barmaid got on the order for right away.
INSTEAD: "Another round, please." Bob's order was hastily fulfilled by the barmaid.
You get my point? It doesn't come out and say who spoke, but yea.
Oh! One other thing- where it says in the note about murder, that is completely off topic because it never said anywhere else about it. Maybe add something with a newspaper and add a section like this:
Murder on 23rd Street. Cops closing in on the suspect. Michael shivered at the thought. -
Wow. I have goosebumps.
That's very nicely written. Very creepy and suspenseful. Very... you.
I don't think it was rushed at all. Very well-paced. It grabs the attention and keeps it until the end.
Write more, you! Write more! >.<beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Damn you! Leaving off at the end like that. Grrr to you! lol. I actually loved it. The suspence the mystery everything about it caught my attention and kept it. You are a very good writer no doubt about that. Even though your writing is really really good right now I know that you will keep improving. Awesome job and keep them coming. You need to add more to this because it is amazing lol.
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Thanks!
Thanks for the encouragement!
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cool
Nice story. Good build-up, and deep death.
I like to see if there is any more to it one day, I like how you work.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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wow!!it was an engaging story!!
interesting and mysterious.
the form you describe everything that is happening, how don't you give everything right away.
the mystery adds even more in every word.
can't wait to read the rest!!
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not rushed, starts slowly then evolves
Of course setting it in a bar is a cliche, but it was interesting and i think makes the reader want to know more. -
Very interesting and engaging. I don't think it was rushed at all. It's a great starter to the story as it grabbed my attention and hooked me in. Your descriptions were strong, yet subtle, and the words flowed nicely together. The mystery with the man, the yellow paper and the murder is very intriguing, and it's left me wanting to read more. Everything's vague at this point, which adds to the air of mystery, and I like how you don't know who's the bad guy and who's the good guy. Looking forward to reading more!
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uuu! this is interesting! can't wait to see what's next
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WOAWOWOMG!!! very good
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no
cool story, very juicy infobeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is a really good story. It seemed a tiny bit rushed but it was still really good. This is a well written story. Great job and keep on writing.!
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