Nothing's Gonna Change My World

Her parents separated when she was eight months old, when she was five her father moved out of state, and when she was seven they divorced. It was a ridiculously proper and civil divorce, with no yelling, only quiet voices and light seeping out from behind closed doors. Still, it was a divorce, and the family hurt.1

Her entire life she went through stages of acceptance. As a little girl, she had accepted whatever came her way with almost grotesque optimism. She felt bad for her father, for his abusive parents, lonely childhood, mental disorder, failed marriage. She would always be there for him and love him even if no one else did. He was like a child to her, vulnerable and in desperate need of protection. But how does one protect a person who lives hundreds of miles away?2

As she grew up, pain seeped in. He would visit during summers, birthdays, and various holidays. But after a few days, he always left. Watching him go got worse and worse. Eventually her mom decided they wouldn't watch him leave from the airport terminal anymore. That didn't stop the tears. She wanted it to stop, she wanted to be allowed to go to the airport again, to spend as much time with him as possible. She soon developed severe earaches from an imbalance in her inner ear due to all the crying. 3

Then he stopped visiting, stopped calling. She learned it came from him issuing a stupid ultimatum; either he saw the kids without his ex-wife's supervision or he wouldn't see him again until they were 18. Because she loved her kids, she thought about giving in, but in the end decided it still wasn't safe due to his unstable mental condition. The ridiculous standoff eventually ended, long before they were 18, but time was still lost.4

He still visited, but less and less, until it was strictly birthdays, a week in the summer on occasion, and tentative Christmases.5

She grew up and the tears were replaced by an empty cavity in her heart that seemed like it could never be sealed. She still loved him fearlessly and wanted to protect him, but bitterness started to replace the open innocence there had been.6

But when he visits, the vague resentment always drains away. All she can think about is how it would be if it were always like this. She wouldn't have to buy groceries or take care of her mother, her social life wouldn't be limited, she could have rides, he could see her perform, her friends wouldn't silently pity her, she could listen to the music she wanted to with him, she could confide in him. But he still leaves.7

Nothing changes.