"There's nothing under the bed," Aaron thought to himself as he pulled the covers tight over his head.
"There's nothing under the bed," he thought again, pretending to be asleep.
Nothing that dwells under a child's bed would dare disturb a sleeping victim.
They want children awake.
They want children to SEE.
But even under his protective barricades of down feathers, cotton and fleece
little Aaron still shivered.
"There's nothing under the bed," he almost said aloud.
But what if it knows he's not really asleep?
What if it's just waiting?
Waiting for a tiny quivering hand to slip out from under the blankets...
And somewhere deep deep down
below the creaking bed springs,
under the wooden slats,
beneath the boxes of old toys
Something lapped its tongue across rows of teeth
as sharp and long as kitchen knives...
Watching and waiting.
"There's nothing under the bed." But little Aaron knew it wasn't true.1
He could feel its eyes on him so he shut his own tighter.
They want children awake.
They want children to SEE.
Watching and waiting...
Waiting
and
watching...2
His trembling worsened.3
"There's nothing under the bed."4
Watching....5
"There's nothing under-"6
Waiting...7
"There's nothing-"8
Thirsting...9
"There's-"10
"Nothing under the bed," said the raspy voice from the closet.11
"There's nothing under the bed," said the shrill screech from the attic above.12
"Nothing at all..." added the deep whisper from the open window.13
"Nothing here but us."
"Waiting and watching."
"Watching and waiting."14
"And WE know you're not asleep."
Author notes
I need to do an illustration for this one.
A contest entry
- Anything by wolf-storm.
100 points, ended January 1, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Enter whatever by Celestial Rose.
270 points, ended January 14, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Nightmare on Elm's Street by C.rimsonQ.uill.
100 points, ended February 24, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twisted Tales by Tricia3.
350 points, ended March 16, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Wow. Creepy!
I might have even more trouble sleeping tonight (I just watched The Blair Witch Project lol)
Great though.
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Like it! Hah! Good stuff dude, you should send it off to some magazine, I can definitely see this one getting published in some short story section. This was the perfect length for what it was, and you are right it could do with an illustration. Perhaps even appearing in a book where the illustrations take the forefront and short quirky little stories serve to contextualise the sketches…hmm get working on it, I’ll buy a copy!
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Damn! that was good! TOTALLY unexpected. WOW!
...
~Speechless~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow.
This was a well thought and well written short story. i loved it. ever think about maybe making it into a longer story? like a goosbumps kinda thing? I would defitnetly read it if you did! I loved it honestly i did. letm e know when you make more little sotries like this okay? they are good little reads, lol.
( i love the part "and WE know you're not asleep")
My goodness i loved this,
And the pace was awesome too..i like it just the way it is!
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Holy cow, that's awesome!
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Oh wow, I love this. It is so true of how little kids think.
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...
...
...
Now that. Was Amazing.
Loved it!
~*Princess*~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was short but very creative and imaginative. It pulls the reader right in and allows them to see it happening. The best of luck to you in the contest.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I love this write. well written, clever and descriptive. loved the ending how it suddenly was no longer just about the monster under the bed. I could see this easily becoming a longer piece - maybe even a Goosebumps type story for kids ages 8 and up as well
Really excellent work here!
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Wow that was good.
A little short, didn't send butterflies into my stomach but was VERY cleverly written.
Well done =)
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Great short story
It's just a little too short to meet the 500 word minimum.
Thanks for entering.
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I like it. you could make this into a big thing. Im into theatre and this kind of thing would be so much fun to say in a play
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There's a couple of nifty bits in this...(they want children to SEE)...(nothing here BUT US!)...and my favorite..."we KNOW you're not asleep!") Very nice. It has a certain "chill" factor! I would only cut down a bit on the reps! You know...find a different variation...an alternate way of saying "watching...and waiting!"
GA
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Yeah, good job. I liked how it was short and was interesting throughout the whole story. It was actually scary!
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Even as a kid I loved scary stories (no matter how hard they made it to fall asleep), and I can happily say that if I had read this at a younger age, I would not have slept a wink. And would have gone back to read it again the next morning.
This was a delightfully creepy blend of poetry and prose, and I couldn't help shuddering just a little when the other voices began to chime in...from all about the room. Congrats on the trophy - you've certainly earned it.
I've yet to read a piece by you that I didn't enjoy, but this is definitely one of my favourites.
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Speechless
OMG!!! That was absolutey, amazingly, truly SCARY! I culd just see it in my head! I felt like it wasnt Aaron but it was me instead! That was just...wow! U r REALLY good! EXCELLENT WRITE!
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Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. When I get a reaction like that it reminds me why I write in the first place. Thanks again!
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I think this piece was really interesting. We knew something was going to happen, but the twist you added made the story all the better. I'm sure people can relate this to how they felt when they were younger and trying to go to bed at night.
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Very interesting. So the monster under the bed wants you to be awake? That was a curious idea. I liked the ending, it fit quite well. Good job
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...Woahh...
It might be, for little, little kids.
But it might inspire others to fake sleep as good as they can, and therefore fall asleep sooner...
-shrug- I stink at crit. -
OMG awesome. That was a great story. Thanks for entering it into the contest.
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That was really good. I really liked the ending, that was really cool. I absolutaly love it. It would make a good scary story to tell around a campfire or something. Good job =]
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like it! I will post more of my silly kids stories soon enough.
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This is so great! What a perfect ending. I would love to have had this read to me around the campfire in Oak Creek Canyon, Arizona! Awesome work!
P.S. Probably not too intense for kids say over the age of eight years old. Those younger might have a hard time falling to sleep that night.beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Awesome! Thanks. And 8 sounds about right. I was way into "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" by then so I think I've got the right demographic.
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hahaha. i love this. the ending was great. this would do an awesome child's bedtime book. great work!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Thanks, man! And it means much more to me since you're from my home country of Texas!
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Ah it's the perfect thing to portray a child's emotions and imaginations! I can't tell if they were really there or not because it's from his point of view. Some things I would change is uncap the "WE" so it isn't in capitals, but rather just bolded. Also, there should be a comma after the speech unless it's extended. If that doesn't make sense, here's what I mean.
RIGHT:
"There's nothing there," Little Aaron told himself.
/
"There is definitely," Aaron told himself, "nothing there."
WRONG:
"There's nothing there." Little Aaron told himself.
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Some people use a period in the extended version instead of a comma, but that only works if it's two sentences, such as:
"There's nothing there," Little Aaron told himself. "Nothing there." -
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I'm glad you liked this one more than the last! I know what you mean about the punctuation and I really appreciate the criticisms! Thanks for the comment!
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