Something I've kept bottled up for a long time.

I'll just let it out. I'll shed some tears. Maybe cry an ocean, all for you.1

I remember the times we use to spend together, most of them are fuzzy, but I still remember.2

I'm sitting here, hating you right now. But, I remember I did once love you. I loved you, but I never once said it. I was scared.3

Flash back:
--I was outside playing with my little brother and little sister, Kyla and Isaac, you're second daughter and son, and I was near the play house. I was having such a fun time and I got caught up in a moment. I called you dad. As soon as I realised what I said, I covered my mouth. You asked me why was I covering my mouth but I didn't say anything. Instead, I wrote it out on paper: I accidently called you dad. You told me it wasn't an accident and that you were my dad. I knew you were my dad, I just didn't want to call you it. --4

I was just opening up to you and accepting the fact, that you we're my dad, but a year later or more, I moved. I may have moved miles and miles away but that no excuse to never call me, write me or not contact me at all. It's pretty sad when I had to call you. 5

You're pretty good with excuses though. Everytime I would call you, you would say "Oh, I've been busy." or "I lost your phone number." And you would always complain about your problems. Like I care.6

I use to think you loved me. But now I think you're a liar. Never have you once proved to me that you loved me. My mom always had to call you and tell you to come and get me or Tracy, Kyla and Isaac's mom, would make you, when yall dated. Yea, I know your little secret. 7

My mom saw that I was acting strange, she thought I was becoming depressed, I didn't know I was. She asked me what was wrong. I sat on my bed and said nothing. She finally got it out of me, after thrity minutes, and I started to cry. At first, I thought I was sad because I left alone and that I didn't have anyone to talk too. Then it all came back to you. I started to cry because I realised the real reason why I was sad was because I missed you. 8

You use to ask me why don't I ever call you dad. Don't you know I want to call you dad? I want to call you dad, okay. I want to be able to tell you happy Fathers Day and give you a hug and kiss and tell you, "Daddy, I love you." But, I feel like I can't. I feel like if I do, I would regret it. I don't know why, it's a gut feeling. Then you have the nerve to tell me, "When I'm dead and gone you're going to regret never calling me dad and never telling me you loved me." That broke my heart. I didn't ever imagine that you would die! I was around nine or ten year old then, when you told me that and I never forgot. I think about that all the time now. I cry myself to bed sometimes, thinking of that. It still breaks my heart that I can't call you dad. I wish I didn't have gut. But, you should'nt feel left out. The only people I ever told that I loved them was my mom and my little sister, Angel.9

But now, I don't think I will ever call you dad and tell you that I love you. Simply, because you stood me up. It was my last day in town and I was on my way too see you, but you left without telling anyone where you were. Do you not want to see me? If you don't, that's fine. I would be perfectly fine without you but that doesn't mean I want you gone.10

Flash back:
--"Where is Chris?" My mom asked for my dad, to the guy on the other line of the phone. "What do you mean you don't know? He gave me this number to call and I told him I was on my way, he should be there!" She started to raise her voice in frustration.
There was more talking, I wasn't paying attention, I didn't want to hear it, it hurt me to bad to hear my dad didn't care about seeing me. My mom got another phone number and called it. They said my dad wasn't there, either.
"I'm going to kill him." She said repeatedly. "I'm going to kill him when I see him."--11

I sometimes think it's my fault you don't want to talk to me, anymore. Probably after ten years, you thought I would be calling you dad and telling you I love you by now. You expected too much from me then, If that's what you expected. It's hard for me too open up. I'm sorry if I failed you as a daughter. 12

Dad, I love you and I want to tell you face to face. Many times I practiced telling you that. And everytime I wanted to, you never came. And I don't think I ever can now, since I probably won't see you for another four years. Anyways, it doesn't matter because I'm starting to change my mind about weather or not I want to tell you. If you want to keep acting the way you're acting, go ahead. Next time I'm in town and you want to see me, I will say no. Next time you call me, I won't answer. But I doubt you ever will. But, that's okay. I'm starting to let you go, little by little.