It Hurts When You Send These Thoughts Back

It'd been one week since my little episode with Jacob. I was pretty sure he didn't want anything to do with me now. But maybe that was the medicine talking to me. I had been put on meds to keep the pain and sickness down. I was still cold, and I at one point broke Ry's thermometer. Of course, that didn't make a difference. The doctor refused to let me march, but sweet little Kori still did so. I was one to go against orders; so stubborn. Ryan made fun of me constantly about it. 1

Jacob hadn't said much to me at school the following week. I do remember him eying me like I was his next victim of murder. I didn't understand why though. Just last week he wanted to rape my ass. I couldn't really get a real clue as to why. No calls...no smart remarks...just glares. I didn't get if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 2

My phone started vibrating in my pocket during band. I saw that Grow was out of the room before I pulled it out. I had received a text from...Jacob? I decided I would read it.3

'Kayla,4

Its ben awhile. Im sure my glares of h8 disturb u. Or hav u evn noticed? Neways, Im goin 2 let u go. Ill call you l8r. '5

I deleted the message out of my inbox and turned to look at the lead trumpet. There Jacob was, staring at me with those stupid emerald eyes. I'd gotten used to the fact that they weren't appealing to me anymore. That must've deeply made him mad. Or maybe he'd been right; maybe I hadn't noticed that he was always staring. And maybe, he didn't notice that I didn't care much more for his antics. 6

Either way, I wished he was out of existence. 7

Right after band, I was walking to put the trombone away. Jacob brushed past me, his hand grazing my hip. I ignored it entirely, although many people wondered why I was basically slamming my instrument in its case. I shrugged and continued my pace, running and jumping down the long stair case. Alongside it was Ryan, wondering why my face was so florid. 8

"Oh, Jakey-boy decided to like me again." I sighed, pulling my book bag over my shoulder. "You alright?" He asked, smiling at me. He wanted me to grin so badly, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I was so angry at Jacob. I faked one. It was horribly obvious that I was, so I gave up. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I just feel like he's always going to be there. Even if he graduates and goes into the Army, he still...he'll haunt me." I stared ahead, Ryan never taking his hand off the small of my back. I heard footsteps behind us. Caitlin or Jesse, maybe?9

"Hey, wait up!" That ugly tenor voice. The voice I so longed to leave me. I was tired of it. I was no longer obsessed with it's gentle whispers and rude laughter. I no longer wanted him to say my name over and over; those days were long over. Yet, now I felt empty without the care I had for him. Was I really that infatuated with the fake Mexican? Or was I just empty and needed him and Ryan to complete me? 10

We stopped there and waited for Jake to catch up with us. When he finally reached us, to my disappointment, he smiled at Ryan and smirked at me. Then he and Ryan began speaking Army and Marine things. I was already excluded; thank God. Now I could go into my own world. Positively amazing how men ignored the hell out of me lately. Even Ryan seemed to become more distant from me. This shattered a lot of my dreams for us, but I knew time could only tell. Maybe I wasn't right for him. Possibly, Jakey-boy was the one for me. I shivered at that thought, making the boys suddenly see me. It was September, so obviously being cold was wrong. "Oh, sorry. Muscle spasm." Another lie I milked into them. 11

Was I damned to have Jacob love me like this forever? A fake affair that was never ending, even in death? I wished my mind would stop wandering on thoughts so long abandoned. Yet Jacob's new found love for me made them sprout and take root once more. If this wasn't Hell, I did not know what could be. I felt heat all around. Then cold. Then heat again. Should I take my medicine? I didn't know. I couldn't think straight. My body was aching. Something the doctor said kept screaming an alarm in my mind. 'You've got to take it easy, Kayla. You're bound to hurt yourself doing or thinking everything at once.' Advice I did not heed. I was paying for it. 12

My body gave way and I collapsed in the middle of town, with four cars swerving away from me, and two boys screaming for me to wake up.13