Drained.

My heart thudded,1

As my feet pounded against the pavement2

Making my way down to my haven once more hiding away;3

Running.4

I grew tired of my world when I stepped out my door5

Before you could say6

“Look who it is, again.”7

My comeback hadn’t been so good but8

I tried, 9

Doesn’t mean I necessarily have to succeed.10

Oh well, see me run,11

Back through my door12

And into the haze that has kept be back this whole time,13

My whole life.14

It’s like a skeleton on wheels15

Following me around as if I were to collapse16

Without it.17

To be honest, I probably would collapse without18

The honesty I’ve granted myself to be here.19

I’m going to shoot myself down one more level20

Because I don’t want to be ready21

I will never be ready for everything22

That I’ve been forced to face each day23

In my life,24

Before the big bang.25

Back into the bathroom that cornered me26

Back into the corner that withdrew me27

Back into the heavy fog that produced me28

Back to the numb feeling that tears me29

Back to trying to relieve myself30

Back to trying to make myself feel.31

Not only because I’m tired, 32

Scared,33

And vulnerable.34

Because I also feel trapped and lost,35

Like something’s been stolen from me.36

I sat curled on the sink just like I had37

That day that it all came crashing down.38

But today it won’t come crashing down.39

It’ll just sink me back into the feeling40

The feeling that I can accomplish.41

That I will receive a new gift tomorrow, like I had42

Each day of my life.43

A new, day to start afresh44

With aching wounds that will heal along the way.45

Muscles tight and strained, ready to feel what there is to feel,46

I slowly put down the punch line.47

The punch line of my life,48

Exactly what it is: a sharp, shining blade.49

Sending a searing jolt of feeling50

Through my veins, refreshing my system.51

My senses are enhanced,52

Birds chirp outside of the window.53

My colors drip down into the sink, 54

Just like they did.55

Nothing crashed.56

The window isn’t far away57

So I reach my untouched arm,58

Drop the blade.59

Touch the glass.60

I peer over,61

Smile at the birds.62

“It’s our secret now,” I smile.63

As if revolted, 64

They vanish.65

What’s left is to wait,66

Because I’m drifting high and low67

At the same time.68

With the same overwhelming feeling69

That I can’t help but smile at.70

My feelings drip into the drain71

As I turn to clean up my day’s goal.72