Ok... I seriously need help...

1

Beauty overwhelming2

yet i cannot see3

how you may appear in the light4

but only in the darkness of my mind5

how brightly your mind is truly lit6

I know you little7

yet i cannot help8

but think that i have known you9

for all that you are10

and all that you do11

You see me not12

but i wish that you had13

so you could know how hardly14

my heart falters15

when i hear you16

Beauty overwhelming17

yet i cannot see18

how you may appear in the light19

but only in the darkness of my mind20

how brightly your mind is truly lit21

My vision is a bore22

my mind is lonesome 23

my heart is a footstep24

pacing steadily along25

my limbs, unmoving 26

Then I think of you27

of all that you are28

and of all that you do29

how you make me feel30

and how i wish it could be31

And my vision is a blur32

my mind is a race33

my heart is a drum34

beating faster than possible35

my limbs, shaking 36

Yet i see now 37

that none of this matters38

for i see you as i wish39

i portray you as i will40

i think of you as everything41

that SHE could never be42

You are what you are43

You will be who you will be44

I see you as i wish45

I portray you as i will46

i think of you as everything47

but i know that you see differently48

The time has come49

for me to let go50

of the bright shadow of beauty51

of what i need52

for you are53

and will be54

only you55

Beauty overwhelming56

yet i cannot see57

how you may appear in the light58

but only in the darkness of my mind59

how brightly your mind is truly lit60

Author notes

I really need comments on how I can improve this, not just what you think about the poem (although that's great too). I wrote it in the space of... I don't know... 15 minutes and I have to give it to someone. I haven't edited it or anything because I need another person's view on it. If you don't like it, tell me how I can improve it and if you did like it... same thing but thanks =).

How can I improve this?

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Comments


  • WriteGuy
    January 15
    Edit | Reply
    umm, is this about elizabeth? really cuz it seems like it is...









  • Sgs
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I guess some punctuation could be improved...capital letters and so forth. But really, it does not matter. It's a great piece and the emotion comes through strongly. Good job!


  • penridge11
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    andrew... great poem but really? hahah i know who ur tlking about. good job... :-P ryan