**Revised 04/03/2009**1
Nabivka Chuchel shivered as the cool evening breeze, coming in from his open shop door, ruffled his short brown hair. Five O'clock pm – closing time – passed with a tick of the clock, and he got up from behind the counter and weaved his way through the assortment of mounted animals to the door. 2
Running a taxidermy shop in Canada had its perks - like the abundance of hunted (and poached) animals to mount. Though, he still had a few imported animals in his collection. Such as lemurs, a tiger, even a kangaroo. 3
He reached the door and lifted the hook that was keeping it open. He gave the vista outside – that of pleasant tranquillity – one last look before shutting the door. 4
Engrossed in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the approaching footsteps. The first he knew of anyone else being around was the door being shoved open - into his face. Staggering back, he collided with one of his more expensive pieces - a snow leopard he'd freeze dried and brought over with him from Russia. With painful inevitability, it fell, and Nabivka tried in vain to catch the falling leopard and keep his balance. He failed; the leopard hit the ground followed by Nabivka himself. 5
He rolled off his prized leopard, completely forgetting the "customer", and frantically inspected it for damage. 6
'Say, where can a guy git service aroun' here...?' drawled a strong, southern American voice behind him. 7
Nabivka froze. The bloody cheek! Coming in, knocking over a valuable piece, and then demanding service? 8
Before Nabivka could reply, the man continued. 'You'd think in a small, backward town like this, people would be delighted to see a prospective customer, and not be groping some cheap stuffed animal.' 9
Battling his rising anger, Nabivka stood. Turning to face the "customer" - a tall square-jawed American - he said, very slowly and deliberately, ‘The store is closed now - unless you intend to pay for damages I suggest you leave.’ 10
The American ignored him and barrelled past. 11
‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I’ll be nice to you, obviously you’re not very good at this whole “customer service” thing, so I’ll let you off this time - but get better at it.’ He stopped by a mounted mountain goat, posed head down as if charging, and inspected it with an inordinate amount of prodding. ‘So my wife decided that she wanted a deer head to go on our dining-room wall. Don’t ask me why, but she does. Not only that but she had me fly all the way up here to get an “official one from Canada.” Stupid cow, not like we’re in short supply at home…’ he muttered as he straightened and looked around the room. ‘Anyway, I’ll pay you three hundred bucks for that one.’ He pointed at a mounted deer head hanging on the back wall in the much more expensive freeze-dried section. 12
Nabivka frowned. ‘That one is $1,000, non-negotiable,’ he replied flatly. ‘And in case you can’t read, the sign says, “Do not touch”.’ 13
‘Hah!’ The American pulled a slim gold cigarette case from his coat pocket. Deftly removing one, he stuck it in his mouth. Then, pulling out a match, he struck it on the goat head and lit his cigarette. ‘I’ll give you three-fifty for it, no more,’ he said, shaking the match to extinguish it before dropping it on Nabivka’s previously spotless floor.14
Nabivka’s eyes narrowed. How dare the man light a match on his mounts? And right after he asked him not to touch… 15
‘I said it was $1,000, non-negotiable. And it is no smoking in here, so if you’d put that cigarette out…’ he said with strained patience. 16
The American raised an eyebrow and blew his lung-full of smoke out in Nabivka’s face, watching with amusement as he coughed. 17
‘Maybe you didn’t hear me right, I said I’d give you three-fifty for it. I think you should count yourself lucky I’m willing to pay anything for this trash.’ He snapped as he turned and marched imperiously down a row of mounts. ‘Nothing but road kill stuffed with rags here.’ Reaching out, he grabbed the wing of a mounted bird and yanked it. It bent out of shape but didn’t snap; the brass wire held. ‘See, cheap rubbish.’ After giving it another tug, the wing broke off and he chucked it on the floor before continuing past further examples of Nabivka’s meticulous workmanship. 18
Nabivka shut his eyes and took a long, deep breath, his professional pride dented by the American’s blatant remarks.19
‘How dare you come in here,’ he growled, ‘try underpay, insult my work, then go through my store breaking things.’ He paused to take another deep breath. ‘It $1,000 for the deerhead, and $2,000 for repairs - that’s 3,000 bucks to you - or get out of my store!’ 20
The American finished his circuit and came to stand in front of Nabivka. 21
‘I don’t think I will get out of your store,’ he drawled menacingly. ‘Not till I get what I came for, I ain’t gonna have flown all the way over here to get a stuffed toy just to be told by some upstart Red that I can’t have what I want.’ 22
There weren’t many things in the world that Nabivka really loathed, but this Yank personified them all. 23
‘Get. Out. Of. My. Store. Now, bloody Yankee!’ 24
The American froze. ‘Yankee?’ he snarled, grabbing Nabivka by the collar and jerking him toward him. ‘Don’t you ever call me a Yankee. I tried to be nice, but no, you just had to go and get all snotty on me - so let’s play it your way…’ 25
While by no means a small man, Nabivka’s feet hardly touched the ground as the big American held him up to his nose. Beyond the stage of observing niceties, Nabivka brought his knee straight up - hard. 26
The American released him with a grunt, his eyes watering. ‘Why you son of a bi-’ 27
‘Who’s Mr. Tough Guy now?’ snarled Nabivka, giving the man a hard shove. 28
His balance already affected from the blow to his crotch, the American stumbled backwards, banging into the mountain goat’s horn. He hissed painfully through clenched teeth. 29
‘I don’t ever want to see you in my store again!’ bellowed Nabivka as he stepped forward and threw all his weight into a hefty punch. His fist caught the American solidly in his solar plexus. 30
He staggered back once more, and the horn didn’t just scratch him this time. 31
The American gurgled, a look of bewilderment crossing his face as he gingerly felt his stomach. Lifting his hand up, he stared, puzzled, at his bloody fingers. 32
Nabivka growled and rolled his eyes. Great, he thought, now I have a wounded man on my hands. 33
He looked around, had anyone seen? He stalked off to close the shutters, in case someone decided to come have a look. 34
‘Bloody American,’ he grumbled, slamming a shutter. ‘All his fault.’ He moved onto the next window. ‘Now what am I going to do…?’ 35
He finished his rounds of the windows and walked back to the figure lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He’d seen this before, growing up in a town populated by Russian Mafia led to some interesting sights. 36
Kneeling beside the American he checked his wrist for pulse, relieved that he couldn’t feel any. Dead people were so much easier to deal with. 37
Grabbing the legs he hauled him gracelessly through the store to his back room. It made mess on his floor, but right now he didn’t give a damn.38
Nabivka’s back room was nothing like the dark and gloomy cellar most people thought it was; instead, it was a large brightly lit room with plenty of windows, and even a skylight for ventilation. Two large freezers sat along the left wall, while a row of vats and jars for pickling the skins squatted along the right wall, with various sinks along the back wall. A rather expensive looking rail crane system ran along the roof, a smaller version of what one sees in metal distribution centres, which he used for moving larger animals around the room. In the middle of the room was the table on which everything happened. Rather than the expected blood staining, or bits of old animals splattered over the bench, it shined from his diligent cleaning and constant sterilising of its surface. 39
Leaving the body lying on the floor near the freezers he walked out back to where his industrial size incinerator was. Burn the body, dump the ash in the wilds - or a river - chances of the cops finding something amiss was slim - if he took care. 40
Pushing the starter for the incinerator he waited for it to light - but nothing happened. Cursing he walked around to the gas bottle and checked it. 41
‘Oh brilliant,’ he muttered. ‘Out of gas…’ 42
He stalked back inside, his brain racing. 43
What was he going to do now? He couldn’t start an ordinary fire, he doubted the flame would be hot enough to burn all the evidence properly. He could keep the body in his freezer until he could get more gas, but someone might discover it. Besides, the gas deliveries to here were slow, it’d be a week before he could get more. He cursed again for forgetting to check the gas levels earlier. 44
Nabivka stopped by the body and stared at it. A thought worked through the mayhem in his head and presented itself to him. 45
A smile twitched his lips for the first time since the American had entered the store. Yes, he thought, I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to mount a human.46
Grinning to himself he knelt and started stripping the body in preparation for skinning it. 47
The man must of have been filthy rich, his entire outfit looked like it was tailored by Gucci. He shook his head as he continued removing the clothes. When he removed the trousers, the man’s wallet fell from a pocket. Picking it up, he wondered whether he wanted to find out the man’s name or not… flipping it open, he read the drivers licence, Neil Cox… 48
He shut the wallet with a snap and threw it on the pile of clothes. Why’d he look? It was no longer a nameless body… 49
He picked up a scalpel from his tray and made a couple of incisions behind the body’s… Neil’s… Achilles tendons and through the wrists to insert the crane hooks. Moving quickly, he pushed the hooks through and started to raise the body. 50
There was a groan and Nabivka dropped the remote, his eyes wide as the body jerked to a stop. He’s not dead… 51
He took a deep breath and waited for his heart to slow, and Neil to regain enough consciousness to be able to be talked to. 52
Leaning in front of the man’s face he smiled a cold, cruel, smile. ‘Hello Neil.’ 53
Neil’s eyes focused slowly on his face and his mouth opened as he tried to speak. 54
‘Shh now, Neil, don’t talk,’ Nabivka said, placing a finger on Neil’s lips. ‘Shouldn’t spoil the moment.’ 55
Neil’s face screwed up into a grimace of anger and pain as his blood-deprived brain registered what was happening. 56
In a flash, Nabivka was reminded of the look his father had given him when he found out about Nabivka’s hobby. Anger flooded back and he snarled. ‘Bastard,’ he said, running the scalpel across Neil’s exposed throat with a fluid, practised, movement.57
He let out a strained giggle as he stepped back, scalpel clattering noisily to the floor. 58
The reality of what he’d done finally made it through the confusion, and he threw up. 59
***60
Nabivka stayed in an apartment over his store; it made it easier to work late if he needed to and, in cases of bad weather, he didn’t need to travel home at night. He now sat in the middle of his kitchen, knees drawn up and clutching a half-empty bottle of vodka in one hand. Nabivka shivered - partly from cold, mostly from shock. All this time away from home, from his father casually teaching him the art of torture, and he was getting soft. Lifting the bottle to his lips, he took a big mouthful, feeling the hot liquid slide down his throat. Having consumed half a bottle of vodka, he now felt decidedly less shaken.61
Did he really want to mount the man? Maybe bury him? No, too risky, too… boring. Yes, that was it… boring. Must do something interesting… mounting… that’s interesting… worth something too… call it a… wax model, yes… people would pay a lot for that… hmm… what was it his father said about hiding in plain view? Oh yes, people fail to notice the obvious… not sure that works… that’s how he got busted… but, he lacked imagination… would people notice a display piece like that? Maybe not for awhile, long enough to make some money and go… 62
Pulling his mind back to the present he climbed slowly to his feet and, bottle in hand and staggering slightly, made his way downstairs. 63
***64
In his workshop he stood surveying the mess and cringed. So much blood. Best clean that up first. Putting the bottle of vodka on a bench he grabbed the mop and filling the bucket with cold, soapy water, he methodically cleaned the bloodstained floor.65
After finishing the mopping and returning the mop and bucket to its place by the sink, he closed the shutters on the windows. While he usually had nothing to hide, he preferred to work in privacy – mostly due to receiving complaints from parents of the stories that their little kids brought home after spying on him. Hopefully no one had looked in while he was upstairs…66
Picking up the crane remote, he manoeuvred the body over his skinning pit.67
He took a deep breath and placing the scalpel on Cox’s right ankle he ran the blade around, careful to only slice through the skin and not the muscle - he needed that intact for making the mould for the mannequin. After the mould was made it was an easy matter to get rid of the remains… when his incinerator had more gas… 68
He stopped cutting and glared at the body, trying to still the shaking in his hand. Slamming the scalpel on the bench he stalked over to his bottle, picked it up, and drained it.69
‘Stup’d stuff,’ he muttered, finishing it faster than he thought he would. After scowling at the bottle for a moment, he threw it into a corner and, when it smashed, smiled with bleary satisfaction. 70
He picked up the scalpel and got back to work with considerably more enthusiasm than before. Puncturing the skin with the scalpel he watched a drop of blood ooze from the wound, before dragging the blade down the inside leg with a precision you only get from consuming large quantities of alcohol. 71
*** 72
Nabivka gurgled and opened his eyes; he was sitting slumped over the bench. Lifting his head off his arm, he looked groggily around the room. Why’d his head hurt so much? And what was he doing here? And what time was it… 73
Slowly the events of the previous evening unfolded in his mind and he groaned. Had he really skinned a man to taxidermy him? Pickling the skin and putting the rest of the body in a mould to make a mannequin? 74
He groaned again as he stood and went to check the vats. Sure enough, there the skin was, pickling. He shook his head, and instantly regretted it. Clutching his throbbing skull, he walked carefully upstairs to get coffee and painkillers - strong ones. 75
*** 76
One week and a lot of vodka later, Nabivka finished his masterpiece. The brilliant idea for it arrived in the haze between the second and third bottles, and he now admitted it looked pretty damn good. He’d set it up as a big display with one of his mounted deer - a fight between man and beast - the beast had won. 77
The man stood, his spear protruding the deer’s side, and an antler protruding from his stomach – straight through the original hole. Nabivka had raided an internet costume store and got a “caveman” outfit, which arrived yesterday, in time for him to add the finishing touches for putting it on display today. A bit of mortician’s makeup and putty covered up all the stitching and served to give the man an artificial look. 78
He was currently making room in his store for the large display - it’d take the centre of the shop. 79
Nabivka already knew a few people who would be interested in such a unique piece. 80
*** 81
Everything went smoothly; people loved the display, congratulating him on his fine work, and even a few tentative offers made. 82
Mid-afternoon, a lanky, teenaged boy walked in. Nabivka thought there was something about him that was very familiar, but he couldn’t place his finger on it. Busy serving another customer, he let the boy wander around the store - one thing he did notice though, the boy’s eyes kept wandering back to the main display. Finishing up with the other customer, Nabivka sauntered over to the boy. 83
‘Hello, can I help you?’ he asked with a smile. 84
‘Hmm?’ the boy looked up. ‘Oh. Maybe… I guess.’ He looked around the store dolefully. ‘ “Dear old ma” sent me on a mission,’ he muttered half to himself. 85
Nabivka blinked, sensing the bitterness in the boy’s voice. ‘Ah, desiring some “authentic Canadian taxidermy”, eh?’ he asked with forced cheer. 86
The boy looked at him in surprise. ‘Yes. Yes, actually, she is. But that’s not why I’m here…’ He gazed pointedly at the new display piece a moment before turning back to Nabivka. ‘My mother, or stepmother more like, sent me up here to find Dad… who she insisted come here to get her some “authentic Canadian taxidermy”.’ He paused a moment as he considered the phrase. ‘So here I am trailing through all the… shops he visited in the area trying to find him.’ He laughed darkly. ‘Everyone remembers him; the bastard they all kicked out of the store with a recommendation on who not to try next.’ 87
Nabivka twitched, seeing the boy in new light… that jaw… ‘I don’t think he came in here, I’m sure I’d remember him if he was anything like what you say,’ he lied. 88
The boy gave him a half smile. ‘I’m sure you would,’ he said, as he walked over to the new display piece. ‘You know,’ he went on, ‘my father… looked… very much like that - shame that’s not him, would deserve it, the bastard.’ 89
Despite the cold, Nabivka felt the sweat forming on his forehead. He had not failed to notice the very purposeful past tense “looked” - the boy knew, he must know… 90
‘’Cept I’d imagine if it was my father he’d probably have the antler up somewhere else for screwing with Mr. Deer’s lady wife…’ The boy’s lip curled into a sneer. ‘Screwed everything with legs, that… man.’ 91
‘That’s horrible…’ mumbled Nabivka, at a loss for what else to say. 92
‘Couldn’t even take a day off to mourn for mother at the funeral, was off screwing the female staff for crying out loud!’ 93
‘Look,’ said Nabivka, trying to distract him. ‘Why don’t we pop down to the bar and I get you drink and you can tell me all about it.’ 94
The boy went on as if he hadn’t heard. ‘I think I’ll buy this. “Mother” gave me one of Dad’s cards - for which I remember all the numbers,’ he added with a smug smile. 95
‘Ah… you said it looked very much like your father, don’t you think that might upset your mother?’ Nabivka asked in a measured undertone. 96
‘That slut is not my mother,’ snapped the boy, eyes flashing. ‘She married him for his money; he married her for her body.’ 97
Taken aback by the vehemence in the boy’s voice, Nabivka replied, ‘Oh. Sorry. Don’t you think it’s a bad idea though?’ 98
A strange smile crossed the boy’s face. ‘Actually, it’s delightful idea. I can say I found Dad, and also got her “stuffed deer”.’ He turned and grinned at Nabivka. ‘Come now, why the glum face? You should be happy someone is buying your masterpiece.’ He took Nabivka by the arm and led him to the counter. ‘Charge whatever you want, it goes to father’s account, he will gladly pay…’ 99
Nabivka took the card, and swiped it. Before he handed it back he glanced at the name, Neil Cox… Numbly he went through the rest of the transaction, dreading what would happen. 100
The transaction complete, and shipping organised, the boy left with a smile of satisfaction, looking forward to the arrival of his new purchase. He was heading straight back home now… or so he said. 101
Nabivka shut the store after the boy had departed, as two things were now clear to him: One, he had to leave, and two, the credit card had a $30k limit on it. However, the boy had paid his absurdly expensive price. After all, it wasn’t his money, so why should he care? 102
Throwing some clothes into a suitcase he made a few phone calls, one to his preferred shipping company - instructions on shipping, and then to arrange a flight out of Canada - or preferably, the continent. 103
*** 104
Three days later in a designer home somewhere in Alabama, a delivery truck arrived. 105
A very smug looking young man met it in the driveway. 106
‘It’s arrived, mother,’ he said to the woman barely a few years older than himself who had just come out the door. 107
*** 108
Two hours later a shrill scream echoed through the house. 109
**To Be Continued**
Author notes
First of all, a very big thanks to Tallblondie for her patience and tolerance in helping me edit this, and her many ideas and tips, and also the idea for the story.
Wrote this for a contest, which the requirements were:
"Write about a murderer. No, it's not that easy, you have to do something unusual, which isn't done very often in crime thrillers. Instead of making me feel sorry for the victim, twist it-make me feel sympathy for the killer, make me angry, or indifferent to the victim."
I do not think all American's are like what I portrayed, I just wanted you to hate him, to not feel sorry at all.
This is the first story of this genre I've written, so I'm very curious to know how I went for my first 'dark' piece. It's not really very dark, but it's not humour! Any suggestions, mistakes noted, etc, please say! I can't polish this if I don't know what I've missed.
Note: For the people who don't know Russian, "Nabivka Chuchel" is actually the closest thing in Russian you can get to "Taxidermy" - so far as I can ascertain.
Enjoy!
In a list
A contest entry
- -- RJ's Royal Rumble -- by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
400 points, ended January 20, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. Also, there's a lot of music. Who knew! by VariousSingularity.
180 points, ended February 4, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be the Story You Write, I read - Tell me a story !!! by Ashlyn Rose.
110 points, ended February 21, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quarter Finals Round-The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
315 points, ended February 14, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Horror/Thriller/Suspense stories! by AshleyAesthetic.
130 points, ended March 23, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Murder and Mayhem by tallblondie.
700 points, ended March 14, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 13th Friday Contest-13 Options!(Prewrites Allowed) by Cupcake14.
110 points, ended March 28, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
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350 points, ended April 10, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest ANYTHING!!!!!!! by DeathByChocolate.
170 points, ended April 13, 48 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Horror/Paranormal Thriller Contest by Dr. Psycho.
175 points, ended April 18, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with your best shot! by Bethany.
170 points, ended April 14, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Of a Depraved Mind by Night Terrors.
340 points, ended April 19, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - a bit of the old ultra violence by urbanronin88.
225 points, ended May 8, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by HaydenLautner.
400 points, ended May 13, 51 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The one you think is best by SCREAMxTOxxBExHEARD.
170 points, ended June 10, 93 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Show us the cruelty!! by demonkitty.
100 points, ended July 1, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING GOES! LETS SEE HOW MANY ENTRIES WE CAN GET!!! by Marisalyn13.
100 points, ended November 15, 117 entries
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600 points, ended July 13, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories Galore! by sberendt.
550 points, ended August 3, 27 entries
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100 points, ended October 14, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
A honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.
Comments
1 - 92 of 92
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This was rather good. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Wow, this is awesome for a first peice! Very unique! I loved it, it reminded me of why I haven't stopped reading and watching horror books and movies, because even in the crap that's out there there are also wonderful stories such as this that truly send chills down your spine and honestly entertain the Horror genre.
Great job, keep writing
Summer
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was great!
I didn't see any errors, and the plot was fantastic. When the guy impaled himself on the horn, I was like, "Oooh, he's gonna stuff him!" *laughs*, guess I was right!
Anyway, this was an awesome read! Keep writing and thanks for entering my contest!
~sberendt
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very nice. At first, I was thining to myself,'why am I reading this?' Then the blood started to pour and knew it was gunna be good. I love the way he died, or more so what happened to his body after his death.very unique. i love the way the whole thing panned out in the ending. Usually when i read horror stories, i get pissed off because its stupid, or i find myself thinking, "wow, that was stupid. This should have happened instead of this," but yours was amazing. I have no qualms. Very nice.
maybe its only me being the total freak that i am, but man i think it would be amazing if it kinda turned into sweenie todd a bit. Like he starts killing random people to make profit. Then again, that might make it too much like the others, but it would be interesting. Like to show how crazy money can make people.hmm. interesting.
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Shush, don't spoil the plot of the next part.
Glad you enjoyed it.
If you think this was good, I strongly recommend some of Tallblondie's stories. As she gave me the idea for this story, and comes up with many more brilliant plots.
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this the first time through, and it's just as entertaining the second time! Your characterization of the taxidermist is excellent; he's really quite the sympathetic character, though dark. It's no mystery why you've earned so many trophies with this great tale. Have you ever written the second half? I'd love to read it.
Thanks for entering this in my contest.
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Glad you still enjoyed it. I think Nabivka is one of my favourite characters so far. Probably because I put the most work into him.
Though, this is one of my lower prize winning stories. I think, in terms to contests entered to trophies this is actually one of my worst.
I think because it's 'dark' and gets rated against other dark stories, which means it fails against many of the horror stories in here.
Anyway...
No, haven't written the sequel yet. >.< I'm collecting story ideas to write for NaNo, gonna do a bunch of short stories. So I'll write it then.
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Awesome! Awesome!! Awesome!!! This was AmAzInG!!! Good job, good luck, and thankyou for entering! *I love your title*
~Bring Me 2 Life
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE MADE IT TO THE FINALISTS LIST!
GOOD JOB!!!
GOOD LUCK!!
AND THANKS 4 ENTERING!!! -
Send in the next part when you have it and enter it in the contest!!!
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Thanks for entering my contest!!! This story is great!!!!XD
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Glad you enjoyed it.
I'm not sure the next part will be written for some time, or be short enough to fit in this. I've actually been tossing around the idea of joining this up with another character and using the two in my NaNo novel this year.
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Good story.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was very good. I loved how you make it dark at times. I liked this
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This was a very good story. Slightly dark at times, but that was what made it great. Thank you for your entry
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Pretty Good
You did fairly well on this, good luck in the competition! -
First thing into my head: Fried Green Tomatoes! I love the "caveman" angle! And I thought I was at the end, but then "two hours later"?? Now I realize there must be more to the story! I like the way you had the taxidermist throw up and get drunk in order to manage this cavemanification of the rude American jerk. It did bring out the human/sympathy angle very well. Great story so far!
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I loved it. It was brilliantly dark and had nice twists. Als very unique and original
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Wow an insane taxidermist there is something you really don't see everyday. Everyone in retail has that one customer they just want to bludgin in the head with a blunt object. I think your character really had his revenge. I always found stuffed animals freaky so I think this is really spooky.
The Positives:
I loved this you really had a twisted tale here. You really captured the readers attention.
The Negatives:
Nothing wrong with this you did an amazing job.
Overall:
I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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You have so many comments that are helpful now, I don't see anything I could add. I will settle with telling you what I think of the story. Excellent, entertaining, and engrossing. This was just outstanding. One of the most twisted reads I have encountered. Marvellous job!
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Haha ouch, that hurts, I am American... haha I still love your story though!
I would like to hear more of this, so I am hoping you continue it
It was a very goosd read, for some reason my favorite character is the boy who bought his father... not sure why, but just felt like sharing
I think you did a very good job at making your first dark story, it was very evil sounding
Also you did do a good job at making me hate the American and feel sorry for Nabivka -
Great
I have to say that this excellent. I like how Nabivka was driven over the edge to kill the Yankee. But its sorry to say that I was expecting Nabivka to something to the American involving Taxidermy. But it was still great. Thanks for entering.
By the way, I like that you made the name Nabivka Chuchel, because it's close to the word taxidermy in Russian!
Can't wait for the next part!
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To be honest I saw part of it coming (where Neil Cox becomes Nabivka's masterpiece) but that didn't detract from the tale at all. I definitely found myself sympathising with Nabivka despite him seeming a little odd! Hope you're going to write more of this story!
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That was creepy! So weird dude! I like it a lot ! totally continue! Thanks for entering
GOOD LUCK!
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This is beautiful! I was about to say that you didn't follow my rules, then I realized I already talked to you about it.
You have this way of wording things, that it seems no matter how long the story is (and if I cringe when I look at the length) I get to the end of the story, thinking it wasn't so long at all. It's just so damn good, the way you write.
I love the little play on words you have with the main character's name, it adds a lot to the story for those who know Russian (not that I do... but it made me chuckle afterward!)
All the characters are great, too. I was completely sympathizing with Nabivka, and while he seems a little crazy, he's certainly a believable and convincing character. And even though I hated the American, Neil Cox, I liked him as a character because he too was so convincing. My favourite is the boy though, but I can't really lay a finger on the reason why. But I like that he seems more than a little crazy too.
Thanks for the entry, and good luck! You're on the finalist list.
~Sparrow
PS.
Is there actually more/going to be more to this story? Contest aside, you drew me in and I'd love to read it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Glad you enjoyed it. I've been told I have a fairly easy going style, I think that is probably one of my few strong points in writing, so I try to keep it. Don't like writing stories that are too heavy to make you want to continue reading.
Hmm, the son is getting to be quite a popular character. Not sure why yet, heh. It's interesting though, he was the easiest character to write, I basically inserted what I'd say in his place, because he's kinda like me in personality.
Yes, there is more to come, one day. I have the sequel planed, and that will be the last part. But I haven't even started in-depth plotting and writing for it yet. There are a few people who have commented so far who want to be let known when the second is finished, shall I add you to the list?
Thanks once again.
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Oh yes, please do add me to the list!
Actually I like your stories, I should just add you to my watch list if you're not there already...
I forget who I added on this site and who I didn't. *lol*
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Intriguing story.... I liked theboy too, what a morbid sense of humor he has
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was a really interesting read! I thought the plot was unique. I can say that I have never read a story about taxidermy until now. The characters were described very well. I think I liked the boy the most, he seemed a bit evil. It was very well written. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
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Glad you enjoyed it. Well, I, like you, had never read anything about Taxidermy before this piece either, couldn't even remember how to spell it most of the time. Took quite a bit of research to pull this one of properly. But it paid off I think.
Funny, I like the boy too, he was really easy to write, everything about him just flowed so naturally for me. It was weird. Maybe because he's the most like me, young, cynical, with a twisted sense of humour. *shrugs*
Thanks again.
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*cracks her knuckles*
Well... considering I've lost count of how many times I've read this in all its incarnations - from first draft all the way through to the polished piece it is now, the one thing I can say absolutely, is that patience and diligence pays dividends. The time and effort that you've put into this to improve its readability and entertainment value is well worth the end result. Your main character is not only realistic and relatable, but three dimensional. The story has a nice balance of plot, exposition and action. Overall, an excellent read.
Thank you for your entry in Murder and Mayhem
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*cracks everything*
Not the only one who's lost count. But thank you for your patience, I honestly couldn't have done it without you. The obvious factor being you gave me the plot to run with. So thanks for everything, I'm really happy with this piece, not my most popular, but something new, and it was challenging to write.
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Aloha
As promised, as soon as I submit my story, I'mma check yours out - and I did
I don't remember Neil ever waking up x.x so that might be attributed to the rewrite haha I honestly had not expected Nabivka to slit his throat, great though since the unexpected is always good 
one thing though, I expected a spray of blood to shower Nabivka, since the neck has like.. arteries or something? Those vein things that pump blood..
And hmm.. now that I think about it, the boy might come back to Nabivka and avenge his father. I wonder if it would play out the same if Neil was his step-father instead, and the woman was her mother? (Then again, I won't really do that to my own mom, to scare her or something) x.x
I did like this, and I enjoyed what you did with the rewrite. Nabivka's father, that part was added, aye? Also Neil as a caveman? (I have to admit that part made me laugh - Neil Cox did act every inch like an uncouth caveman) If not, I'm a potential Alzheimer's patient x.x
Oh, a few things
P38 It made [a?] mess on his floor, but right now he didn’t give a damn.
P39 shined -> shone?
and "room" was mentioned a bit too much x.x but I don't have any suggestions how to remedy it, seeing that you are describing a room
p46 A smile twitched his lips for the first time since the American had entered the store.
a suggestion (you don't have to go with it ^_^)
His lips twitched upwards; it was the first real smile since the American had entered the store.
*tries to give x3 applause again*
P.S. new applauses don't work.. bleh. -
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Yay! Thanks.
And I shall check yours out as soon as I can.
Yup, Neil waking up is new, and no, it wouldn't spray blood. The neck doesn't spray that much blood unless you get really deep. And, he's almost drained of blood as is, so no. No Sweeny Todd showers.
Naw, I don't think the boy will be coming back to avenged, he's glad the bastard's gone.
Yus, Nabivka's father is new, but Neil was always a caveman. xD
Oops, missed that 'a'. There are a couple of spots where I skipped words in Nabivka's dialogue 'cause he gets stilted when stressed. But that is supposed to be there.
Shined, shone, both work. Shone sounds better.
I'll keep that suggestion in mind.
Oh well, it's the thought that counts, right?
Thanks for rereading!
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Wow, that was incredibly dark, actually worried me more than the normal movie horror movie do. Amazing job.
Thanks for entering and the best of luck! -
Creepy. Taxidermy a man, then sell it to his son. Dark, but fascinating. So, when's part 2 coming? I really can't wait to hear the rest of it. One thing that bothered me is that there was one area where you forgot a quotation mark, but i can't find it right now. Sorry. Another thing is, and this is just me, I think the double quotations work better for your standard quotes and single for quote within the quotes. But, again, that's just me. Good story, thanks for sharing it with us, and keep writing!
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Second part... *coughs* A long time? Heh. Still need to finish the plot, and got other stories to write at the moment. One day I'll have it...
Each to there own, I prefer single quotes for dialogue, I think it looks tidier.
Thanks for reading and commenting, glad you enjoyed it!
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Already read. Thank you for entering, and you're a finalist by the way.
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I loved it.
That's a whole new way of getting rid of a body.
#19 try [to] underpay
#34 incase should be in case
#39 distribution centres, should be centers?
Just the kind of story I enjoy. I hope to read more.
Trish
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hehe, thanks.
Thanks for pointing those out. I'll get to them ASAP. Though, it is supposed to be 'try underpay'. Nabivka's talking gets a bit stilted when he gets upset. And, as my theory with dialogue goes, hardly anyone is grammatically perfect all the time when they speak, everyone makes mistakes, so my characters do to.
Cheers.
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Well, Danny, a very interesting plot here, with some ironic twists and a question mark of an ending. You would think the son would have learned not to be as much of an ass as his father, if nothing else, but that doesn't seem to be the case. So you plan on continuing this, eh? Hope you do. I'm glad you don't think all Americans are like him, though - I try to avoid speaking with a drawl and offending everyone within a 100 mile radius whenever possible. *laughs*
Notes:
* Para 2: This is nitpicking, but it is a good rule of thumb to never begin a sentence with numerals - including times. Instead, write it out in words - Five o'clock pm.
* Para 3: "a few imported animals" - like what? What kind of animals are on his walls? Inquiring minds want to know.
* Para 6: Commas belong inside of quotation marks: "customer," and frantically...
* Para 7: I don't think you need to capitalize southern.
* Para 12: Well, the deer up north are quite a bit larger and more impressive than those in the south. Believe me - I should know. I think they stock up on roids so they can survive the brutal winters.
* Para 20: "Try underpay" - do you mean "Try to underpay"? Also, I don't think try needs to be capitalized, since it's technically a continuation of the previous sentence.
* Para 34: "in case" is two words.
* Para 35: "Bloody American" - where is Nabivka from? That's not colloquial for Canada, that's for sure. *laughs*
* Para 48: Hahaha, my brother's name is Neil. Everyone tries to spell it Neal for some reason, though.
* Para 56: "blood-deprived" should be hyphenated - it is a single two-word adjective.
* Para 65: Shouldn't he use some bleach or something, too? It'll denature the blood and make it unrecognizeable.
* Para 66: He was moping while mopping? *laughs* Just a silly typo.
* Para 86: Again, put your commas inside the quotation marks where they belong!
* Para 94: Sorry to break it to you, but there aren't many pubs in North America. *laughs* A bar, maybe?
* Para 102: "After all, and it wasn't his money" - I don't think you need the and in this.
* Para 103: Um...Alaska is part of America. *laughs* What part of Canada is he in? It's a frickin' huge place, you know. -
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Yay, this is the sort of comment I needed. Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
He's from Russia. It says a few times.
Heh, for those two points where you say I should stick the punctuation inside the quotation marks, I don't actually have to. Another thing with the English style, they go on the outside, unless it's part of the sentence quoted.
Yeah, bar. The joys of writing a story set in another country.
Duh, Alaska... should be removed and replaced with Canada. Heh. I changed it from Alaska to Canada, 'cause of a few things the story didn't work there, obviously I missed one of the times I said Alaska.
Where in Canada? There. I have no idea where. Until I can find a Canadian who can actually suggest a good place, it'll remain in there, somewhere. Less complicated.
Thanks for the comment!
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Excellent
the story was one of the best works i have ever read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I'm flattered.
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I totally didnt expext Nabvika to be the killer in the beginning, but by mid story I was starting to really think this guy was a psycho. The idea that the fathers son came in after to look for him was expected but unexpected at the same time. A nice balance I think. I absolutely adored the ending. It left me chilled to the bone and wanting more. What an excellent story!
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Okay, this was a pretty good story.
I have to admit, apart half-way through, I was wondering about your choice, as I didn't particularly hate Neil.....but then I understood it a little more after his son arrived and told us a little more about him.
There were a few grammer mistakes, but nothing major, just things like 'none negotiable' should be 'non-negotiable',but they would be easy to find after checking, and they did spoil the story.
Overall, I liked reading this and thought it was a really good attempt at a darker story, but I have to say, I think your talent lies with humour
Well done and good luck in the contest!
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That's funny, everyone else seems to think Neil was over the top, good thing I did keep with having him just that bit nastier than I first had. Shame I took so long to edit it though, it would have been a little better afterwards. xD Oh well.
Mmm, can't believe I missed that non-negotiable, well, actually I can, considering the amount of mistakes I usually make, there aren't many. xD
Mmm, it would have been dead easy to do this humour, as it is some people think it's just black humour. >.< But I'm glad you enjoyed it, it was fun trying to expand my writing horizons. I need a lot more work though, haha.
And thanks for the HM! Next time I might stick to what I'm good at though.
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Very fun story with a lot of good elements.
Let me get my critique out of the way first;
I'm having a real hard time not correcting the punctuation in this. I know you're Austrailian so I won't mark up all the things that are different from American style, but I do question a couple. I guess this is the first time I've read such a long piece from an Australian with so much dialog.
In researching British style though they mention that the only time punctuation (period, comma, etc) is outside a quote is when it does not belong to the quoted text (e.g. when questioning what someone said: 'Why did you say "the sky is red"?').
However in p11 you have the period outside "official one from Alaska" and I'm almost certain based on the research that it should be inside. So what is the real standard? Punctuation always on the outside of a double quote?
Later in the paragraph you have "freeze-dried" hyphenated however earlier in p4 you do not. I don't think either is wrong but you should choose one or the other.
p12 "none negotiable"? is this also a difference in the language? Our use is non-negotiable. It just seems weird because none means zero where non means taking the opposite of the verb it's modifying. Or is this because he's Russian? I'm so confused.
p32 I've come to understand that a stomach wound creates a long painful death. Honestly, not only do I think his death happened too quickly but you let this *&%#@ guy off too easy.
Something to think about; I'm wondering what time of year this is taking place in Alaska. I'm assuming it's winter because it's dark, but it also matters which part of winter, as much of the time it is near twilight all day long there (had a friend that lived in Alaska) and not a great need for lights. If it's dead of winter there should be plenty of snow and I'd think it might be harder for an antler to go all the way through a man wearing a heavy jacket.
p50 why didn't he close the shutters before moving the body? Especially since he was so concerned about not turning on the lights? Normally I would put this off to a man being nervous and not thinking properly in this situation, but it becomes an uncharacteristic trait when he's concerned about one and not the other.
p54 Which hole? The hole in the body or the hole in the clothes? I assume the body, but he's a taxidermist and I'm sure is able to hide bullet holes all the time (an antler hole wouldn't be much bigger than the exit hole of some large caliber weapons, for things like bears, I would think) and so he shouldn't have even given it a second thought. Though love how he used it for the "battle" scene.
I do really like the psychology behind this, especially the fact of making it personal by learning his name and having to rationalize it.
I'm loving the conversation with the son, he's got his father's attitude but his vengefulness makes him a much better person! Wonderful
To be continued???? Why? I think it's perfect like it is.
Actually it is dark, well more black as in black humor which is just great as far as I'm concerned.
Nice job! I enjoyed it.
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Yes, I was unsure where that one went. I think it does belong inside. I slipped and stuck it on the wrong side.
Yus, it's supposed to be hyphenated.
And also correct, it should be non-negotiable. I couldn't remember the spelling. Heh.
Shutters, on the store, he didn't have any. On the Alaskan bit, I'm going to be moving the story to Canada, 'cause it doesn't really work properly in Alaska.
On the hole, yes, the one on the body. See, when patching things up, it can still be seen under close inspection - and a human body isn't covered in hair to hide things that have been fixed. Unlike animals, they're easy to do, and everyone knows they're been shot. This body isn't supposed to be real, so every little detail has to be fixed. A hole in a body that's supposed to be fake? Why...? See what I mean?
Oh, he is supposed to take longer to die, about five minutes. I need to edit that. along with a few other details. This isn't the 100% polished version. Just getting what critiques I can so I know what to look for when I edit.
Thanks for the in depth review, it's been very helpful.
Glad you enjoyed it.
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Wow! Everyone in this contest has wrote something amazing, but I especially liked this. Creative and interesting. Perfect!
Loisxx -
Ha! Fantastic man. Everyone loves a good corpse.
A little piece of advice. I'm from the South, not Alabama (have a lot of family there, though) and being called Yank is quite the insult. At least to me. Call me crazy. I just thought it would provide a little more motivation for Cox to be a dick to the other guy (the name's a mouthful), if the Russian actually called him a Yank, instead of just thinking it.
But, what was his motivation for turning the American into a piece of taxidermy? That's never explained. It just happens. Which is cool by the way. Makes it seem like he did it just to do it...But he seems like a man that thinks things through before doing them...I don't know. Thought it was worth noting.
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Haha, thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I thought being called a yank was quite an insult, I'll make him say it in the next edit. Cox is just a dick in the first place, but I'll have Nabivka say that just before Cox becomes really nasty.
I had to explain that to someone else the other day: "He is an artist, he was smashed, he was in shock, and he is a sociopath to some degree. Add that lot together and just getting rid of the body is not even thinkable. " But basically you are right, he did do it just to do it. The anticipation of doing something never done before is quite appealing to an artist. And an artist (of dead things) is what Nabivka saw himself as, so... But yes, I'll have to fit that in somehow...
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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You know I thought about this (that it was strange such an obvious thinker would be more about action) but didn't put it in my comment. Why didn't he just call the police while the guy was in his store breaking stuff? Or then again after it's almost clear it was an accident by the evidence? I didn't mention it for just the reason you said though; I figured he is an artist and it's the only thing he would think to do with the body.
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I'm not liking it.
I thought the costumer character was very cliche.
Through out the whole story I was thinking,why not just dump the body. the last thing he should have done was stuff it and put it on display.
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Hmm, very cliché? Maybe, maybe. He didn't have to be a unique character though, he just had to be a bastard and die.
And dump the body? Sorry, that just strikes me as hypocritical. You say Neil Cox was very cliché, then you want to know why I don't just dump the body? That is cliché.
I suppose that is a fair question though. Obviously I'll have to tell people why he didn't just incinerate the body. He is an artist, he was smashed, he was in shock, and he is a sociopath to some degree. Add that lot together and just getting rid of the body is not even thinkable.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read it, even if you didn't like it.
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Well, I managed to finish it. (Apologies for not commenting sooner. )
Anyway, I'm not surprised Blondie had a hand in this story ... It smacks of something she'd think up. But, my friend, you've done a stellar job as usual.
The story itself was told in your usual witty tone, which serves to hold the reader's interest - and helps us sympathize with Nabivka, even though, of course, there's the little of issue of him being a murderer, albeit an accidental one. The American was a total bastard, though. And what an epic way to go. No, wait, it's just hilarious.
And he stuffed him! Talk about creative ways to dispose of a body. And he ended up selling it to his son ... I wish I coulda seen the look on 'that slut's' face ...
Looking out for the second part. Sure to be an interesting read.
Cheers,
RJ
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P21:'Not till I'--
Hey, teach. This was really good. I liked how I felt bad for the killer. It was an unusual feeling for me. This story has excellent word choice. The ending was absolutely stunning. It completely blew me away. I was flabbergasted. Goodjob! -
Alright. As a square-jawed Southern American, I don't take offense to your portrayal, just so you know. However I think it is important to mention that the term "Yank" is a mostly UK/Aussie colloquialism and probably wouldn't be used by a Russian. If he had been in America for a while he might know the term "Yankee" which specifically refers to people from the Northeastern states, but most definately not anyone with a Southern drawl. And this is all assuming, of course, that you intended for him to be Southern...
Okay, now that that's outta the way, let's do some critique!
To start, I really like this story. But it needs some tweeking. Some of the sentences at the beginning are awkwardly structured but that seems to stop after the first few paragraphs.
The dialogue: Cox's lines are generally pretty good, though I recommend dropping the "g" at the end of words to better express the Southern accent (i.e. "Ah' been drinkin' like a gat'damn fool, Cletus!") Anyway, it's the main character's lines that seem the most off to me. They don't feel realistic, even when I imagine them with the Russian accent. With the exception of the "Mr. Tough Guy" line, that is. That's priceless.
I also feel like a lot of the sentences are too much exposition and not enough expression. I would prefer to let the character's actions and thoughts describe the scene to me, rather than the narrator simply telling me. The best example of this that I can give off the top of my head is the main character's OCD complex about cleanliness. I suggest the usage of more third person omnicient instead of using descriptive words to get this across. Subtlety is what I'm looking for. The paragraph numbered 59 should be omitted entirely or at least reduced to one or two subtle mutterings.
As a big horror fan and writer, I'm of the Hitchcockian school of thought. If you've ever read one of his short story compilations, you know the kind of thing I'm talking about. Horror (dark) stories don't need endings. Not in the conventional sense, anyway.
Everything between 68 and 72 (I hope you know what I'm talking about with all these numbers. I'm still new to SW so I hope I'm making sense.) should be condensed into a very subtle description of Nabivka's fabulous new display and all the attention and money it's bringing his business. The End. No need to say anything about the artificial look or give so much detail about the whole thing. Leave it to my imagination and the twist (for lack of a better term) will have way more impact. Or you could go with this one: Nabivka takes one more look at the driver's license... He thinks about how pissed he is at this guy... All this trouble just cuz his stupid cow wife wanted a stuffed animal, right?... Imply that he got the guy's address from the DL without saying it... Paragraph break... "Three days later in a designer home somewhere in Alabama, a delivery truck arrived." The End.
Anyway, I'm getting carried away. Point is, no matter what ending you go for, the story should stop at number 73. Everything after that is unnecessary. It reminds of watching a good movie with an awesome ending, then a black screen, but instead of credits rolling, you get a lackluster "Six Months Later."
You know what I mean?
Well, I've got a lot more stories to read and critique, so I better cut this off here. If you want to talk more about it, message me anytime. I really dug the story on the whole and I'm adding you to the finalist list. -
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Glad you enjoyed the story, and thank you for the critique. There is a lot of very good stuff to think about in there.
On the yank, I'm going to have to work on that bit some. I've had an Alaskan point out a few things which don't work very well (the trouble with writing a story in a different country), so I'll probably be moving it to Canada. That may change a few things. Oh, I suppose calling a Southerner a Yankee would be rather offensive? I've heard something about it being so. So Nabivka probably will, just to offend.
I suppose with Nabivka's talking, I was trying to get across the feeling of a man uncomfortable with other people, he worked with dead things, that was what he did well, talking was... a necessary evil, if that makes sense. So from that perspective, does it read better? I will still look into that when I do another edit, thanks for pointing it out.
Unfortunately, I haven't read any of Hitchcock's work, so I don't have any ready examples of what you mean, but I think I an imagine.
Oh, the last bit is mainly there for the second story, it kinda needs it there to lay groundwork for story two. I will however look into what I can do to make it better as a stand alone piece. It'd be good if the second one was too, but will see.
Thank you again for the helpful critique, and for the finalists placement.
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I liked it very cool
I was.... diferent. In a good way of course.
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Very original. I simply couldn't stop reading. Perhaps I am a bit too...morbid, but this was a wonderful piece.
When it first started out, I thought that Neil Cox was going to be the one to do something to Nabivka Chuchel...but I was wrong. From there, with the descriptions, with Nabivka becoming more of an animal than a man, I was really drawn into the story.
When Neil's son came into the taxidermy shop, I was really thinking that Nabivka was going to kill him.
Wow.
Mistaken again.
Twice.
That hardly happens to me, so...this is definitely a very original story and I enjoyed it tremendously.
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*claps claps claps*
For someone who is so dang good at writing funny stuff (you), you wrote one hell of a beautiful story. Haha, kinda morbid, aye? For someone who is so damn cheerful and a romantic most of the time (me), I particularly enjoyed this.. I have this odd penchant for murder stories - I bought one book about serial killers, and not one of them described your story as how they killed the victims (There was one who used acid to throw in all his victims, even friends... another who butchered boys looking for jobs - and he, the killer, kept all their clothes for himself and his male friend... oooh there are so many...)
Anyway, I wish I could give so many more applauses.. because you deserve it for writing this. Not sure if I "read" you right, but you're more comfortable in funny stuff? And yet, you succeeded with flying colors writing this one
It can even stand well on its own (I love open endings), but if you WILL write more, do tell me! I'd love to know how this tale goes on.. and how it will end.
Thank you VERY much for this. To you and tallblondie ^_^
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Thankee. Yes, comedy writer I am, and this was hard to write... the amount of effort I put into this compared to most of my stuff was about tenfold. When I write a humorous piece it just happens, the jokes flow out usually quickly and easily. This piece I had to think about a lot, research even more, and edit so much. It still needs work too.
Those murder stories sound fun. Next one will be a little more intense than this I hope. This one is the entrée you could say.
I kinda wrote it to stand on its own, just incase I don't write the next one, but I need to tidy the end up a bit so it finishes smoother.
Thank you muchely for reading, commenting and applauding. I always look forward to your comments. I'm sure my family hate you for helping expand this head of mine way out of proportion.
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A big head is good..
..if it can generate more stories
Btw, did I say that the butcher sold the victims as meat to the townspeople? Ah, but I bet you can top that.. which would delight AND terrify me, both at the same time.
No pressure from me, but I WOULD like to see more of this *winkwinknudgenudge*. Don't take me wrong, I did and do enjoy your funnies (new term, coined by me, mwahaha), but this is a refreshing change - I guess I never knew you could make something as twisted.
So yeah.. gogogogoo!
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I thought this was great! I noticed someone mentioned it was too long, but I disagree. I was completely riveted to the 'skinning' and 'taxidermy' scenes (not sure what that says about me. ha ha).
I don't know if you have experience in taxidermy (I don't know a thing about it) but it came across as authentic to me.
I will say that I didn't feel 'sypathetic' toward Nabivka, however I didn't hate him, either. And you succeeded in making me feel indifferent to the 'American'.
Your descriptions were written vividly enough that I could 'see' Nabivka's every move as he endeavoured to cover up his crime.
I do have one question: Why didn't he just toss the entire body into the incinerator? Wouldn't that have gotten rid of the evidence far more readily? Of course, then there wouldn't be the taxidermy angle.....
The only other thing I have a teenie tiny issue with is the amount of information the boy spewed about his father and his 'slut' of a stepmother. Maybe I'm just more private, but I wouldn't be that open with a stranger. Maybe Nabivka could buy him a few drinks, get him drunk, and then it would be more believable that he would reveal that much. But that's really just me, and my personal taste. I truly have met some people who give away too much personal information after just meeting them....so feel free to ignore this small criticism.
I noticed a couple little typos:
P 52--Nabivka raised an eyebrow. The man must of have been filthy rich, his entire outfit looked like it was tailored by Gucci.
-- you should get rid of the 'of' after 'must'
P 55--Lowering the crane, he jabbed the hooks through the side of Cox’s feet. Making sure they wouldn’t come out he raised the crane.
--I think there should be a 'when' after the word 'out'
P 91--‘Actually, it’s delightful idea. I can say I found Dad, and also got her “stuffed deer”.’
-- There should be an 'a' before the word 'delightful'.
This was really a very good, well-written, macabre tale. I enjoyed it very much. Can't wait to read the continuation!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Why thank you.
Nope, no experience in taxidermy - just a helluva lot of research. You should see my section of notes and stuff I've got for this story, and still got facts to straighten out and things to fix.
I'm glad I was able to provoke the right emotional response with this story. It was really hard to write in some parts, so I must admit I was rather worried about whether I'd done it right.
You bring a good point with 'why not incinerate the body?'. I suppose you could say it appealed to him as a challenge, took some guts to do, but it was something unique (which he'd like). Plus he figured he could actually make a bit of money from it, money is also something he likes. However, when I edit, I'll have him muse over that.
On the boy, he's smarter than he looks. He's letting Nabivka know in a subtle way that he knows, plus he takes after his father in saying why he's doing stuff and complaining. Not to mention that he hates their guts so much he doesn't really care who knows. That sound reasonable?
Thank you very much for pointing out those mistakes, I'll add them to my list of things to fix when editing.
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I'm trying to avoid long comments- it's kind of hard. But, I will say, this story WAS beautiful. I found problems, except I guess I'll let them pass for now. Thanks for entering, g'luck
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I didn't really feel any sympathy for the character-for me he was just a normal person who lost control-so I didn't hate poor Nabivka either. Please tell me when you write the second part of this story, I am looking forward to what happened between the boy and his stepmother...something tells me the stepmother wasn't too happy with it...
I thought this was humor actually, because most of your works are humor. Anyways, why did you call this story "The Value of Death?" And how can TallBlondie help you? You'll win the contest with help! Not fair!
(Yes, I'm childish, what's new 8-|)
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You weren't so much supposed to feel sympathy for Nabivka, but hate towards Neil Cox. And a feeling of, 'Hah! Serve the bastard right!'
I will let you know, if I remember. I dunno when I'll have it out though. Oh, I'll tell you now, the next one won't have anything much about the stepmother. Maybe a little comment, newspaper article or something, but nothing much.
Heh, a few people have thought this was humour. I suppose in a way it is, black humour. Very, very black humour. But that's 'cause I can't seem to get away from it...
The story is called The Value of Death because Nabivka makes money of dead things. To him death means money.
Tallblondie helped edit, read through and pointed out all the mistakes. She also gave me the idea of writing a story about a taxidermist who murdered people and stuffed them.
Which contest? >.>
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.
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You've entered it in two contests.
But whatever, you're a great writer without anyone's help, I guess she just prompted you.
Yep...I know you might feel I'm too young to say this(if you knew my age) but he was a bastard alright...
If it's just gonna be a newspaper article, you might as well as include this in this story, or are you trying to make some miniseries out of this? -
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Yea, that's why I was asking which contest. I thought you might have meant a specific one.
Heh, you're 12, right? If the age on your profile is correct.
No, not a mini-series, there will be one story after this. The second part of this one. The MC might read the headlines of a newspaper article which alludes to what happened in this story. -
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Yup.
What do you mean by MC?
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good story i really enjoyed it. It was exactly wat i wanted to read. Thanks for entering the contest.
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I found this to be an interesting piece. It is well written, a fair amount of dialogue, and character development.
Once again I find it humorous to be talking about the arrogance of U.S. citizens. Funny in the sense that I didn't realize we had the attitude until I had to describe how we talk among ourselves and realized how arrogant it sounded.
You are speaking of a strong southern American voice in Paragraph 6. Alaska is part of the United Stated, so it is assumed when you talk about a southern accent you are talking about another citizen from the southern states. We talk about a southern American or a south American, we are usually refering to someone from Latin America.
It is possible to find Deer in Alaska, but only on Kodiak Island, and in the Pan handle (The part that extends down towards the rest of the U.S.). They are called blacktail Deer. Oh I should mention that I am an Alaskan - born and raised.
Refering to him as the American I suppose would be like you calling someone from Sydney, an Aussie. Probably not something that you would do. I might call someone like him a 'Texan', or a southerner, but never an American.
I can't think of a single place in Alaska that would meet your needs of having a taxidermist, and not having a State Trooper outpost.
Deer antlers are not sharp enough to penetrate the skin from a casual fall, mainly because you would be in contact with multiple points not just one. However if you used a Mountain Goat, there horns are sharper and are about 9 inches long (roughly 24 cm long). If he were to fall against it on his left side you could get a fatal injury out of it, but it would take about 5-10 minutes to bleed to death from the spleen.
Other than those details I think you have a rather good story here. Hope you take some of the ideas here, when you go to edit it.
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Ahhhh, a very, very helpful comment. This is the sort of comment I really wanted.
The reason I spoke of a 'strong southern American' voice is because (a) the MC is Russian, he tends to think of everyone in America as Americans, and (
I just plain didn't think about calling him a Texan or some such, maybe because I didn't think the MC (Russian) would be able to tell the difference. *shrugs* I will amend that somehow. Good point about me calling a Sydneyite (my unofficial name for them, when I'm not calling them arrogant bastards) an Aussie, I probably wouldn't, but if I was in another country and I knew roughly were the accent was from, but not state, I'd say a southern American, or some such.
Dang, I did look up to see what animals you had up there, but guess I didn't look where they were. That's something tricky about writing a story set in a different country, so much research to do, and sometimes it's hard find some things out. *thinks* I suppose I could set it in Canada, do you know how well the story would work being set up there?
Hmm, on the antlers, I'll change it to a mountain goat, and drag out the death scene a bit I guess.
A note: I have one character who is a bastard, there are bastards in every country, I am not calling American's arrogant, at least, not all of them. I just needed a character who was an arrogant bastard, and the story is set in America, because there's nothing to taxidermy down here... I get the feeling that people seem to think that's what I think all American's are like, just because I'm an Aussie and that's how I made him...
Anyway, thank you very much for the comment, it has been most helpful.
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Good and different
I liked this gory little story (pun intended)! It was certainly an original twist. I know nearly nothing about taxidermy, but your descriptions of it were believable and the quality of your writing was good. I noticed a few things that might be adjusted"
p3 "hook that was keeping" otherwise it sounds like he's keeping the door open by lifting the hook
I used to have a stuffed snow leaopard. Alas, it was killed by a hampster--but that's another story.
p6 "said a strong southern etc." this would be more effective if you expanded the thought a bit: "...here?' clamored someone behind him. N. heard the strong drawl of an American, likely from one of the southern states."
p38 This is an important line and its meaning is not quite clear--I'd expand it a tad.
p41 hmmm "idea of a thought" doesn't seem quite right
p46 "what one seen" typo?
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Creative. Rings of an outer limits episode. An earlier post complained it somewhat prolix in areas; I must agree. I fail to see the need for several pages between killing the American (good riddance) and getting around to stuffing him. Perhaps a few superfluous but minor discursions here and there... That said, what did go right went *really* right. Nabivka's musings (cool name), his excessive drinking so he could do what need be done (nice touch, adds humanity), the American's illimitable hubris, his even worse son paying for The Masterpiece... nice twist. Well done!
A perhaps pedantic aside, re quotes: James Joyce hated quotes to the point where he eschewed them all together. He used -- to denote speech, as in:
-- Come up, Kinch. Come up you fearful jesuit.
My point? It's all a matter of taste.
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Too much stuff going on hurts my brain at this time of night..sorry
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That's OK, you can come back and read it tomorrow.
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It is indeed a good story. The beginning was good. I couldn't stop reading at the point where the man was kill. The story was a bit long though. I believe the middle section was a tad rough but from the point the boy appears asking for his father I felt a boost that kept me reading to the end. An awesome story over all.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Mission Accomplished
You definitely have the potential to write this genre. You also have the correct idea about how disgusting even the darkest person might find blood. I'm squeamish, I know how it feels. This is nearly perfect. You could make a book, extending the story. It would be quite hilarious if she hadn't found out for a few weeks that it was her husband. I'd like to know what happened to the boy's real mother, if that in fact isn't his real mother at all. I found this very dark and bloody. Mission accomplished.
May you write without the evil of WB
-Makaely
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wow...
it was well-written. i liked it, but the ending confused me. the part about the boy coming into the shop was the confusing part. other than that, i loved it. keep up the good work!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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YOU MIGHT RETITLE THIS: "GET STUFFED!"
First let me note I seem to find the writing really far improved from some of your earlier pieces. BUT...I truly feel it was WAAAAAY too looooooong! I think you are trying for too much. The writing, as I say, was fine (although, do UGLY Americans abound with such a distasteful image?) but although the nature and tongue-in-cheek genre of the story excuses it, I found some of the dialogue, attitudes and back and forth banter a little difficult to believe. Again, it's all in the style and horror type genre, but I would go for a bit less exaggeration and a little more credibility. The American was really one disgusting ass! I couldn't wait for him to get stuffed!
My biggest critical comment though is there is simply TOO much STUFF (no pun) in this tale. You could have ended it half a dozen times over. Too much detail. It never seemed to end. Did you really NEED all of it to get to the punch? Again, my (subjective)feeling.
Still, well done...but why have so many branches to the tale? He should have been stuffed and done early on. Just a little less "telegraphing" of the owners intentions...and the next customer, some weeks later pops in to the "new" masterpiece. Why complicate things?
TAXI!
GA
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Thanks for reading Gary.
Too long? Hmm. It is longer than I wanted, By about 500+ words, but I couldn't work out what needed removing. I'll have a look at that sometime.
On the American, the fact that you couldn't wait for him to die was great. That was exactly the way I wanted it to be. I wrote it for a contest:
"Write about a murderer. No, it's not that easy, you have to do something unusual, which isn't done very often in crime thrillers. Instead of making me feel sorry for the victim, twist it-make me feel sympathy for the killer, make me angry, or indifferent to the victim."
That's what I aimed for, I think I might have over-shot it some.
I'll remember about the too much stuff, keep it in mind for when I get around to looking at this again.
Thanks for reading Gary!
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Technically Accomplished
The story read well, although the ending was never really in doubt. I find that Americans normally hide their real personality behind fake shows of friendliness and amiability. The guy in the story was just so, so horrible that it was hard to believe he could actually exist. The being gored on an antler is also a very overused film cliche. It sets up a narrative without blaming the hero, who 'didn't mean to kill him'. I've seen this done so many times before and it has lost its impact now.
The main character was only loosely sketched. I think the introduction of a friend, wife, parents etc would have helped the reader to empathise with him more.
To conclude. The story was well written and flowed well. It was a good piece of writing. The main problem was that the narrative had no surprises and the main characters were not convincingly drawn.
I hope this honest critique helps. It must be better than me just saying 'well done' or using some other faint praise banality.
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Well, thanks for being honest. I wrote this for a contest which the requirement was to feel sympathy for the killer, and hate the 'innocent' guy, which is why he's portrayed like that. As for killing a guy, shooting someone is 'overused' but still a very effect way of killing someone - why guns are so popular. So just because it's used a lot doesn't mean one shouldn't use it in a story, besides the fact that how he dies is not supposed to be fancy, or even interesting, it's just supposed to happen in a way that could very easily happen, like being shoved onto a waiting antler. Leaving the MC with the problem of hiding the body. However, I can see what you mean by predictable, evidently you read and watch a bit and can see the way stories will go. It's very hard to write something completely unpredictable, I think in the end I didn't even try to stick a big twist on this because there will be a part two. I should add that at the end of the story.
Anyway, thank you very much for the comment, you do raise some very valid points, I had a hard time fleshing out the MC, hopefully I'll be able to do that better over time...
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.
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It was very, very good. An accomplishment that you held my attention for all three thousand words. The story had great detail, and I could see everything as I read it. Especially the part where the teenager comes in and buys the 'masterpiece' from Nabivka.
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Wow.
That was an amazing story that really tested my stomach muscles. I am proud to say I read the entire 3.3k words to the very end. It isn't something I would usually read, but you did a great job of keeping my entire attention the whole story. I loved the ending you put with the mother screaming. What I would do to improve it? I would change his name- in the beginning it was too hard to pronounce in my head. Also, you have the symbols wrong. Speech is represented with " marks, while sarcastic titles are represented with ' marks.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Glad you weathered it alright. And congrats, the story is actually closer to 3.6k, the SW word count is massively wrong.
Well, as I said in the Author Notes, the name does actually mean something, so it stays. Sorry it's hard to pronounce.
Oh, and I'm Australian, I use the English way of quotation marks for dialogue, that is ', not ". Though it does depend on the author, some people do ", but most big published English authors use single quote. Something you gotta watch for, different countries have slightly different ways of doing things.
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Engrossed in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the approaching footsteps. The first he knew of anyone else being around was the door being shoved open - into his face. Staggering back, he collided with one of his more expensive pieces - a snow leopard he'd freeze dried and brought over with him from Russia. With painful inevitability, it fell, and Nabivka tried in vain to catch the falling leopard and keep his balance. He failed; the leopard hit the ground followed by Nabivka himself.
I loved that part above.
Anyway, this was a very good peice. Slightly funny, actually, but I dont know if you intended that.. I love the name Nabivka, and I love that he own a taxidermy shop. Where does thi story take place?
Very interesting, indeed. Good job! -
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It says it Para 2 where it takes place, "Running a taxidermy shop in Alaska had its perks".
Yes, I'm sure it was slightly funny, I'm a comedy writer by nature, so it's very hard to get away from that... though most of the jokes are of the blacker nature.
Glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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A very good story, very interesting and morbid.
Damn Americans. We suck. What with our Gucci suits and cigarette cases...
Anyway.
Few errors here and there, nothing a few glances won't uncover. Only critque I had is right after the taxidermist knees him you say that the man was "still reeling from the blow to his balls" or something of the nature.
Saying straight up "balls" kind of breaks the otherwise serious tone of the narration. You might want to consider a more general term.
Other than that, fantastic!
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Glad you enjoyed it.
Yeah, your Italian suits, can't trust 'em. Naw, you guys are OK, hey, I picked to do the story in your country, mainly 'cause i can't very well do it down here...
Yeah, I see what you mean with that bit, I've changed it to 'blow to his crotch'.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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