She feels the cool of the freshly wet grass beneath her bare feet as she slowly walks on. The night enters changing blue to black and she wishes she could run. She wishes she could fly. Fly to one of Jupiter's moons and watch her home get smaller till it is but a speck, and the earth is but a semblence of ball of candy- till she can see and care no more. She cannot face what's to come. The noise, the heat, the scents and the lonliness. 1
She closes her eyes and lets the cool breeze pass over her, being her comfort. She is ready to just flutter like a plastic bag in the wind and let it take her far away. She should've been a movie star. She should've been a dancer, a traveller, a lover. She should have been a diamond among the coals. Instead she was his. She was to be bounded to the weight of that cursed gold band. 2
The stability, mediocrity- the routine- it all begins to leave behind bitter taste. She treasures the sweet moments of her solitary walks in the park. He never seemed to notice when she was missing which was fine by her. She sighs as she adjusts the bag on her back and puts back on her shoes. 3
She finally reachs the bus station. Anxiety, fear, apprehension, excitement all knot up in her stomach, twitch in her fingers and shake in her legs. This was finally it. The bus to nowhere and everywhere- the magic carpet to the moon. She boards- she sits and the tears of freedom springs to her eyes as she exhales the years of emptiness away and awaits the years of what should have been- to come.4
Author notes
This is my first attempt at this kind of thing so please be kind 
Constructive criticism would help.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I would continue writing.
This is what is known as the opening chapter in which you get their attention by hitting them in the head with a hammer. I think that you should continue with developing the story and remember that every novel, every story starts with those first opening paragraphs. It make me want to know more, is the woman disappointed in who she married or does she become more appreciative of what she has with the man? -
Wonderful introduction to her life.
Surreal. Like all your work the protagonist is one with her environment, which extends to the celestial. She feels underappreciated and held back from her potential. For me it is unimportant whether she is married or not what is important is that she feels treated less than she ought to. Society binds her and life limits her choices making her feel that she has to settle for the status quo. This is her opportunity to revel in her freedom of choice. This is about a woman using all her senses and seeking to maximise what she sees as her potential. -
You're a master (mistress?) of the descriptive aren't you? I'm really liking what you've written. And I can't even say that I like one piece more than another (although the fish hold a special place in my heart). Your descriptive powers are superb. Would you do me a favour and critique my piece 'Paper Thin'. None of the others, just that one. for it was meant to be an exercise in words, and you seem well qualified to tell me if it's crap or not. I feel cheeky now. Cheers you.
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Very interesting. I'm going to read the next part, and hopefully many more of it to come. Great job.
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Like StevenHoward, I can see this as the story behind that run-away bride! Then again, I can also see it as my mom, just a few months ago, finally leaving her tough situation and luckily, bringing us with her (us being the kids).
Anyway, the only constructive thing I have to say is that in the first paragraph, you descibe the sky as turning from "blue to back," when I'm sure the last word was supposed to be "black", right? I do that all the time and the spell-check never catches it because it's a word!!
Anyway, it was a great write! I love the descriptions and I'm off to the next chapter!
Kate
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I like this, I hope you plan to add more This is about a married woman leaving her husband isn't it? I see that someone else interpreted it as a nervous bride getting cold feet. Well, whichever, this is a wonderful beginning to a (hopefully) longer story. Great job
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This is really detailed and so clear in it's stance and message. The way in which you have written it is something I could never do - the style I mean. Tony.
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I think you have everything for the beginning of an interesting story. You surround your character with just enough mystery to keep us reading but you give us enough of her mind to be able to feel her stress and longing.
If there is one suggestion I could make it would be to look again at the first sentence of the last paragraph. We were going along in present tense, then a past tense verb is first used there, but I became confused on the tense as I read the rest of the sentence. I think it should probably be "excitement knots ..."
Your depiction can stand on its own, but I hope there is more to it - mainly because you leave us wanting more. Again, I think there is a lot of potention for where you can take this story. It is a good opening. Good write. -
Great write!
Hi, this makes me think of that Americna lady who the police found...ahem NOT MISSING. The one who had gotten cold feet before her wedding and had run away, letting everyone feel that she'd been abducted or something. We all looked at like she was a freak for doing that. But if I had to guess, I'd say that this piece accurately describes what she must have been feeling. Remember the poem, "Aunt Jennifer's Tigers" where the wedding band on her finger was imprisoning, a band cutting her off from what she wanted from life?
Accurate depiction of the nervous bride...on the verge of changing her mind especially in the line, "She was to be bounded to the weight of that cursed gold band".
Gypsybelle. -
Interesting, i thought it was a good depiction... but of what, im not totally sure? good use of words to create a picture none the less
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