Fear

So then I sat with her. A fag on our lips, smoke billowing away. The night air was chilly, but the car stayed warm. I needed to tell her how I felt. I needed to tell her what was going on. I had to get it out. But I was afraid.1

It started a while ago. We would hang out, sometimes all night. Smoke and a pancake. There's a great place in town for it. After ten in the evening you can smoke in the restaurant. And they have great food, and decent coffee.
"I have class at seven forty-five."
"Mine's not till ten, but I'm not going," she replied.
"I have too."
"Then get some sleep."
"It's two in the morning. I won't wake up if I to bed now. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?"
"Sounds great."2

We talked all night. We listened to music. I fell in love, but I was afraid. It happened a few more times, we'd stay up all night talking, listening to music, joking. Each time I fell further and further for her. 3

I got a girlfriend. Not her. I thought, if I'm with someone else, I'll get over her. 4

I didn't.5

The day I broke up with my girlfriend, we had talked all afternoon, not my girlfriend and I, but her and I. That was the problem. I couldn't talk to my girlfriend. It was over. And still she was there. Smoking, talking, laughing.6

School was out for break. Everyone went home for the holidays. Except me. And her. We started a ritual. Every day. "Fag break?" I would text. "For sure " I received. And so we sat, and so we talked. I had talked around the issue of how much I liked her, but never really got down to it. I was still afraid.7

Fear. Funny thing, ain't it? It will stop you in your tracks. It will freeze you and make you miss out on so much. Your worst enemy is fear. It'll be there no matter what. If you overcome it, you'll be happier. If you don't. You regret. I have lived a life with no regret. I can honestly say I don't regret a thing. 8

"Oh, him? He doesn't give a fuck!" they say about me. Never badly, just honestly. I just don't give a fuck. It's easier that way. Of course, I'm lying. I put on a show, pretend not to care, and people respect me for it. It's the strangest thing. I'm not complaining though, just noting. 9

Before she left for the week I told her everything. How I was head over heels for her. How I just wanted her happy. How amazing it would be if that meant a relationship with me. She gave me a hug. Then asked what she was going to do with me. I couldn't answer for her.10

All in all I overcame fear. I didn't let it control me. How did it end, you ask. It didn't. I threw the ball up, and it's still there. But when it comes down to it, I have nothing to regret. I played my hand, as well as I could. The outcome will arrive, in time. And when it does, I'll have no regrets.11

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I overcame my fear. Can you?