Shattered Dreams

I guess it all started last year when mum got a new job. Our homeland was Japan I went to an all girl’s school. They all spoke English and Lucy, my younger sister, went to the elementary school next to my school. Everyday was the same routine; mum would head to work at BYN 04 (broadcast your news) and id have to get Lucy ready for school as well as myself. Responsibility had to be grown upon myself and my mind read a gazillion thoughts of my life, would I have to be the grown up in the family. Time was spare in our household, I saw my dad every other week if he was even in town and on a Wednesday night my mum’s friend Patricia had Lucy have a play-date with Patricia’s daughter, Marie, just so I could catch up with my friends and homework. So it was a painful time, I had bickering parents who I saw a rare glimpse of, seeing Lucy have to grow up like this would have been worse. Id imagine myself some mornings being in Lucy’s shoes, thinking her big sister Rachel was her mummy, or a figure in a mummy’s job. 1

Walk into the classroom. Smash the books on the desk. Relax before home time. I had to like school. I had to be good at it. It was for Lucy’s sake. Soon mum was going to leave, it was obvious. She had this plan all along to go on a massive vacation with some work mates and there were no kids allowed. This was going to be my life. Looking after Lucy until she got so hectic for not having much guidance that she turns nasty and has to take some meds just to calm her down. Some days when she wanted to play mum and dad, I had to be her mum. I wanted to bend down to her short height and say it’s not pretend anymore. But unfortunately if I didn’t tell mum where Lucy was, mum would hit me. She’d complain id been abusing her., sending her off places alone. Lies. Mum was full of alcohol and lies. 2

She used to practically smoke into me when I was younger, bed time stories were more like fag time excuses. I told her when she was pregnant with Lucy that if she didn’t stop I would report her. So out came the slap after slap after SLAP. In the end I walked out. 3

Ran to dad. He told me he was going to ring up the socials and tell them what mum had been doing. He wouldn’t let me home until she was better. Home, ppft, Home is where your meant to be allowed, safe, warm, comfortable. I felt nothing but pain and heartbreak at home. Still I didn’t know at this time if there was a boy or a girl on the way but the only thing I knew was that I didn’t want it to suffer the way I did. 4

Eventually mum was sent to rehab. Two months later Lucy arrived. She was the most beautiful thing in the world. Although to mums horrible old habits, Lucy was in intensive care. I would cry each night hoping she got better. I even prayed, I didn’t believe in god when mum was around but anything to get Lucy better. 5

The only person at this time who knew how I felt was my best friend Becky. Becky was my height but a little dorky. I didn’t care. I needed anyone. No one else wanted me; even dad kicked me out as soon as mum was better. So I revealed all to Becky one lunchtime. 6

“Becky. I’m scared, what if my sister dies, and my mum goes insane again?” I remember so distinctly. Why I asked her, only heaven knows. To me Becky was a saint. She knew an answer to everything. Until the last day of school. We were about to walk out of school and Becky said to me.7

“Rach, we’ve had such a great year. Just one thing. I’m moving. I won’t be going to upper school. I’m real sorry. I will miss you so much. Ill email, send presents. The whole works. I hope everything works out for you Rachel May. You deserve it.” She gave me her classic wink and scurried off to her land rover. So there went best friend number one, gone. 8

During the august holidays, I was at Patricia’s helping her look after Marie and playing with Plod the dog. Marie was born only a matter of days before my sister, but I was still worried. It was two days later and Lucy was allowed home. She had a ton of appointments in the following month but it didn’t matter. My sister was home. Mum was really happy now, everything was okay. Mum went back to work and I was at home looking after Lucy and Nan came over occasionally. Since I didn’t start school for another month, I confided in baby Luce. I would tell her of how tragic my life is. If you didn’t gather by my mums actions, Lucy was a one night stand. It didn’t stop her being my sister. I loved her more than if she was my blood. I started to get her educated at young age of a few days. I read her the Jacqueline Wilson book, Secrets. It was my favorite and it was as if the author wrote it about my life being full of hit and punishment. Although I was waiting for my friend to pop out the blue.9

I needed to email Becky, mum had got a laptop so I asked if I could borrow it and she just gave it to me like it was worth 50p. Although yen or whatever it was back then. I loved being English though. I didn’t understand being Japanese. Loved all the colors though, Nan told me that they wear wooden sandals. I wish I could buy some but mum wouldn’t buy me any. She said id look tarty. I didn’t know what this meant since went to a girls school ,but I asked Becky and she said it meant I looked like a girl who stands at the side of the street waiting for old men to pick me up. I got scared by this thought and changed my mind quickly. Mum started to realize that I was growing up to quickly and using words of inappropriate language. She knew Japan was no place for three girls and yet again we moved on. This time it was England. We went to a place called Cambridge. It was really big and full of fun. There were cinemas, swimming pools, shopping, football stadium and lots of parks. Though after seeing the culture of England and the bridges with colorful words id be told off for saying, I was shocked why mum chose here. I could imagine taking Lucy and myself, to our first football game. Lucy sat in her car seat in the back with me. 10

Around this time things started getting funny with mum again. Lucy was realizing she wasn’t in Japan or on the airplane anymore and got scared. She started to cry and I tried to soothe her with her tuggy toy. She kept screaming. Mum got mad; she was trying to drive and got stuck in traffic with screaming Lucy. She turned herself around from her seat and quickly swung Lucy’s head up and shouted SHUT UP in her face. I got just as scared and screamed back don’t scare her like that she’s only a baby. Mum just looked at me scarily but I wasn’t scared. Not since last time. Lucy just cried some more and I gave her a hug and held her hand and she felt a bit better but she was uncountable shaking. I was beginning to think mum had already been taking some alcohol and forgetting her meds. I tried to forget the image from my mind but it was stuck there like glitter appears on your face after washing a dozen times. We started to get moving through the traffic. It was awkward, silence drove through the car. Lucy fell asleep on my arm for the third time. I wish I could fall asleep on her. But ever since living on a Japanese micro meal, I was begging to count the pounds, I was weighing over 9 stone and I was only thirteen. I was probably the heaviest thing in the car, and we had a lot of stuff along with a trailer.11

So as we started to get to our flat this time in Cambridge, Lucy woke up but this time she looked at me with innocent blue eyes. We knew what to say. Soon there wouldn’t be anything left to say, I was scared. I was dozens of hours away from dad, once again. I missed Nanny Ying, and I just wanted to erase this bad dream. This wasn’t my worse nightmare though.12

A few months passed and Lucy was getting bigger, I was making lots of friends this time. People wanted to know the Japanese/ English girl, who had long black hair. Things in the past were begging to fade but they were still a little warning of what could happen. I remember one day at school I was sitting at the lunch table with Jessica, Charlotte, Paris, Marlene, Carly and Farah. This was my group/clique I guess and one day we were talking about boys. I just ate my school dinner curry in peace; boys have never been my strong point. Weaker point either, I never mentioned going to a girl school. When you’re new, see, you know the story, so every time you can be someone else, you could tell someone that you know someone famous, you could be Britney Spear’s step auntie’s niece in law or some ridiculous thing like that, and you bag friends like that. Yeah it’s phony, but did that matter anymore. So as I was saying, Jessica said to me, 13

“Who was your best kiss?” I swallowed a lump of lamb curry, quick think.14

“I guess Michael Garrent, when I was in year seven.” I said, surprisingly I said it with such ease.15

“Oooh, you actually kissed a boy?” mumbled Paris, the blonde ignorant one.16

“Just because you’ve kissed every boy in Suffolk, doesn’t mean the rest of us are like you” said Jessica, she gave me a nudge. I was happy. 17

Everything was back on track, I had some awesome friends, some horrible enemies but who didn’t and I saw rarely any of the enemies. I loved class; it was odd being in a school with boys though they were just so scummy I could of kissed each of them, even if I didn’t really know how to, or that would make me a bad girl according to Nana.18

So back to Mum. She got another position at a news place not far from a shopping centre. She didn’t get to go on TV this time but why would they need a Japanese woman for an English channel, her wages dropped dramatically and we were scraping by, then the girls asked me to go on a shopping spree. I wanted to so bad, but one would I be allowed out and two where would I get the money from, Jessica was taking over £40 already. The most I could afford was two pound. I felt suddenly heartbroken, were they going to ditch me? I didn’t know what having a best friend was really about, and having some girly times made me feel totally happy. Eating chocolate, watching movies, having sleepovers, laughing, prank calls. I guess this is what happiness is about but I didn’t know what to do, should I lie once again? Would they find out? Then I totally realized it was Lucy’s birthday! 19

How could I leave her on her own for her birthday, she’d end up being baby sat but no one who would care. Then I had an idea, I was going to get the girls to throw a party with me, it would be fun and we could have her a little celebration. Mum came in that night and I was just about to ask her when suddenly.20

“Rachey, i am sorry…” She pulled that face. It was a sick, horrible face. The one i have seen time and time again.21

“NO! You’re not sorry, you’re just too pathetic to realize someone else’s feelings and realize they might be happy, NO. You’re not happy because you can’t find something good to do with your life so you wreak everyone else’s. Well, congratulations you deserve a medal for being the worst mum in the world!” It felt good to say. Better than anything i have said before to mum. Lucy started crying because I shouted.22

“NO. Ill see to her, as always, not as if you even care, you probably haven’t even got her a present” I pulled a disgusted look, and walked away. Tears streamed down my face as I wish I could go somewhere alone. Lucy. The precious child. I couldn’t leave her now. What could happen if I left, Mum would curl up in a ball, she’d start the drugs and alcohol again and end up having Lucy and myself being put into care? It was me against mum.23

So this world had to stop being ignorant. I told the girls I couldn’t make it; Jessica asked me later in the day if everything was okay? She even invited me over, but I had to decline, Lucy will need me. I got home once again taking my time. I put my key in the lock and what another flipping surprise, all the boxes were packed up again. 24

“You can hate me forever, but we have to go” Lucy was sitting in her car seat all tucked up asleep. I’m guessing the Nanny did it. 25

“I’m trying to protect Lucy’s life, your going to make her ill keep changing like this, WHY ARE YOU SO UNREASONABLE. Selfish cow, you are! You don’t want me to have friends , you don’t want me to see my dad and now your wreaking Lucy’s life as well, why have kids if you don’t want us to be happy, I would of rather not BEEN BORN if this is what I have to put up with” I screamed and stormed outside. I was crying, a girl I new from school was outside the flats. She ran over to me.26

“ Rachel? Rachel May isn’t it? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” she gave me a hug. It felt nice to be loved by a stranger. 27

I sobbed.28

“What’s wrong? Have you been hurt, has someone hurt you?” She was so caring.29

“No, but I need to get away. It’s not even a little bit serious. It’s a crime.” I sobbed, this time I knew I must have been getting her jumper wet, my mascara I borrowed from Farah was leaking.30

“Okay, come home with me.” She put one arm round me now.31

“Wait! My sister. Lucy. I need her. She can’t be alone” I ran inside the house.32

Mum was sitting on the floor, Lucy was still asleep.33

She looked up.34

“Darling, Your back, Oh Im so sorry.” Pathetic she was.35

“ Save it,, Im just saving your daughter, you know Lucy? The one you had a one night stand , left with a nanny your whole life and she doesn’t even know you” I said harshly. She deserved it, and walked out the door. Back to the girl.36

“Can I ask, what’s your name?” after walking a bit with Lucy in her seat being cradled as we walked.37

“It’s Leah Kinksi. I am from Japan, Australia, Liverpool and some of South Africa.” She said proudly. I feel ashamed now.38

“Wow. I’ve been in Japan and all of them places, that’s so co incidental.” I was shocked to find someone with so much in common. We took about two minutes to get to Leah’s house. She lived no the posh estates, so why was she hanging around my flat? I didn’t understand but it didn’t matter as Lucy was getting restless. 39

Leah knocked on her door, a tall brunette woman who I was guessing was her mum, answered the door in a dress and apron. I was dazzled by the way she looked similar to a perfect housewife. Just the tattoo on her arm took away some magic, but she was miles better than my mum. 40

“Leah, whose your friend and the baby here then?” she didn’t even seem offended that I was like Mary with baby Jesus. Lucy started to cry. I rocked her, she was unhappy.41

“Oh don’t let her freeze to death please come inside” Her mum welcomed us so nicely. Leah took hold of Lucy and pulled her free from the straps of the seat, she was holding her and playing with her really nicely, and Lucy was three at the time so she was speaking quite well. Although sometimes we didn’t understand her little rambles. It was cute seeing her smile. If she did I rarely saw it at home.42

“Lucy’s so cute. Can I have her please” she laughed. It was one person who wanted her as well. This load eventually left my shoulders and I could smile back.43

“So what’s wrong then dear?” Leah’s mum handed me a drink and we sat down on the sofa while Leah and Lucy played together.44

“Well, can you promise not to tell anyone? Im really kind of desperate, that’s why I ran away” she said, trying to not sound too needy.45

“Of course we won’t” a lovely soothing voice said.46

“Well, it’s my mum, every time something goes wrong for her or she doesn’t like something she has to move where we live. We lived in Japan and I even made my dad move there so I could see him more, yet she’s moved away again and now I won’t see him or my Nan again and I got home from school and she’s all packed up and she is making my life hell by moving. I’ve got to be Lucy’s mother because mum is out drinking or something stupid like that. I miss being happy because I have to fend and care for Lucy to worry about myself anymore.” By now the tears were streaming down my face, it was the first time I ever told a proper grownup. I didn’t even know Leah that well, but she made me feel so comfortable. Leah’s mum put an arm round me.47

“Oh darling, do you want me to sort this out for you? Get your dad over here, you can stay here and so can Lucy, in fact we have a nursery already kitted out because my other daughter has a baby.” I was already feeling better without anything even happening.48

“Yes please, I am most grateful, thank you so much.” I said with the biggest smile ever written across my face. Leah was real happy as I shared a room with her and Lucy was going to be looked after by Leah’s Mum. She eventually told me to call her Suze. I was happy with that, it made things more relax. I borrowed Leah’s clothes, Lucy was fine and everything was getting better. I hadn’t had any sign of contact off mum, and dad and Nan were coming over. Nan was going to see to mum, and visit me and Lucy. Whereas dad was going to stay in a B&B until he sorted himself out, and would visit us as much as possible. Suze didn’t mind when people came over, or if they stayed. It was all fine. Suze had a husband but he passed away a year ago. I was confused why she wasn’t at all upset but she seemed too happy to bring it down. 49

In less than two weeks me and Leah were best mates and really close. As it was drawing to an end of school break, I had to start deciding about Lucy going to school. Suze said she’d talk to her oldest daughter and see if she could look after Lucy and help out with school supplies ECT. I was really happy, it was better than ever before. I honestly didn’t want this to end but I knew soon it would. 50

The day before we went back to school, we went into town. I was holding Lucy’s hand and so was Leah. We went with Suze just incase mum or socials were looking for me. I wasn’t scared. I had evidence and proof I was scared to go home. I could never be forced to go back. Mum never changed. It was always the same story. Go to rehab. Act like everything’s fine. Get a new job, don’t like it. Move on. Wreak lives. It was horrible to think about once again. Though truth is told, I was frightened of mum getting so drunk and stoned that one day she’d come to Leah’s house and start to lash out and get us back. These nightmares haunted me every night and id cry. Leah would just give me a hug and wipe my tears away with my duvet. She’d give me some advice, and they’d go away. But they reappeared as soon as I went to sleep the next night. Although I was begging to feel like I could call Leah’s house, home, it was an uncomfortable idea. Although as I was saying, the day we went into town it kicked off again. Suze was taking Lucy back to the car while Leah and I got some sweets and a movie. We walked into blockbuster and there she was. Mum and this guy, they were holding hands and mum was playing with his hair. I gulped and Leah looked at me oddly. 51

“What’s wrong Rach?” she questioned. Mum turned around still caught up with this strange man. 52

“Rachel!! Baby, you don’t realize how much I was worried about you! Where’s Lucy, Have you left her alone … again. Oh darling you need to be taught these things, come on, Im sorry, shall we get you home and go find Lucy” she tutted, disappointed. Her so called teachings would be hits. Her way of finding Lucy would be leaving her (wherever she thought id left her) and this man would be in on it too. He scared me, he had dozens of tattoos and was wearing all leather, and I took one guess and thought drugged up biker. 53

“Is this your mum?” Leah whispered. I nodded. 54

“I don’t want to go with you. I have a home now. So does Lucy. She’s staying with me and my new friends, you can’t have her. You’ll let her grow up and then hurt her the way you hurt me. Im not letting you do that to her!” I shouted, the staff was watching, but I had to let the world know. Leah took hold of my hand so she gave me the signal it was safe.55

“Fine. That’s how you want it. Ill gets a new kid. A kid who would appreciate having parents, and a home and love.” She was acting smug against her new man, who was practically dying to kiss her any moment. It was obvious if they were going to buy a film, they wouldn’t watch it.56

“Don’t act smug, if you think you look hard now, tell the police as soon as you come after me. Cause you will, you know it, I know it the world knows it, your just gunna not tell fat-so over here and then you’ll follow me from school. Then plead to take me back. Then you’ll hit us for leaving you.” I said louder and prouder than I thought I could ever be.57

“I don’t know what your on about, babes, but if your happy Im happy.” There she went again, lying. 58

“You know what, well. But I know where I am now, Im not moving until I need to. Im happy. Just because pain makes you happy, it doesn’t make the rest of us.” Leah squeezed my hand.59

“Fine.” She walked past, and fatty happy pushed past me. He scraped me. Suddenly a pain in my side struck me. It was really throbbing. 60

“RACHEL!” Leah cried. I was going dizzy and all I saw were a crowd of people swarm to me and Leah screaming on a phone. A distant motorbike noise was the last thing I heard as I dropped to concrete flooring.61

I woke up in a white and beeping room. I slowly opened my eyes. Suze, Nan, Dad, Leah and Lucy in Leah’s arms were all over this big room. Full of machines and drips and bunny cushions. 62

“Rachel?” Nan’s old voice echoed in my ears. I heard little discussion of she’s awake, give her space, Im so happy prance round the room like horses galloping freely. I could faintly hear Leah’s crying of happiness. 63

“Ill get the nurse” Dad walked out. It was obvious he’d been awake all night, not shaven in ages and needed a coffee or something.64

“Where am I?” I was still so unsure of my environment.65

“Hospital dear, you were stabbed.” The sympathy fled form Suze’s mouth.66

“Who by?” I didn’t even remember anything well.67

“IT was that horrible fat man in leather!” Leah cried out.68

“Now Leah, don’t go accusing people now” Suze said sternly.69

“But..!” She was given a look of no, not now. Leah sighed and as everyone seated themselves back down. Nana got a phone call, on the hospital phone, obviously a call from mum. Wait, mum.70

“NO. IT was mums boyfriend, Leah’s right! It was MUM. MUM. Did this! She wanted me dead because I don’t love her! She did this!” I repeated myself over and over crying the words out.71

“Oh, darling!” Suze held my hand. She was the best mother id seen in a while.72

“ Please can you call the police? We’d like to report a stabbing” Nan said, disappointed. I understood why, she had brought up mum rather well and to see her do this was probably heartbreaking.73

The police were called and everyone else went home and different places to run errands now I was awake. Leah sat in the room with me. Suze took Lucy home for a rest, so I and Leah just spoke. It was awkward to begin; we didn’t know what to say.74

“Im sorry.” she sighed.75

“NO Leah, don’t you dare say you could have done something, I was your fault or anything of the. You have done so much for me; it wasn’t any of your problems. I shouldn’t of let you let me in because i've come into your family!” I said, now feeling guilty. I shouldn’t have imposed, but I had to get away, there are refuges and stuff surely?76

“You never imposed; I and my mum have never been so close. Lucy’s kept her mind off my dad and ive loved having a best friend like you! I hated moving around!” she said with a big smile on her face. I felt better; maybe I was a good thing to be there. Like fate I appeared. She hugged me and we were so happy.77

“I hope you get better soon, there are loads of people at school who miss you! Even Evan Gregory asked me tons how you are! You know the fit one in gym class?” trust Leah to point that out, but I was actually flattered boys were wondering.78

“Wait? How long have I been in here?” I was confused, was I out for days?79

“You were out for a week.” She pulled a confused face.80

“Oh my god!” I was really surprised. 81

After a few days, Dad came and told me Mum and Gavin (her boyfriend that stabbed me) were sent to prison for many reasons and for over 50 years. I was happy; eventually things could be really good. Dad was so sorry he didn’t look after me well, and decided to move to Cambridge, this was the last time anyone was going to move. Lucy was going to start school and I loved her so much. She was adorably cute and she had a brunette bob hairstyle. She looked a lot like me to be honest. I looked like my dad and she looked like me. I don’t know if this was just a figure of my imagination though. 82

It took me ages to look in the mirror. I knew that there would be a scar as well. I was afraid of myself. Mirrors did always scare me. The fact you could look it in and then suddenly someone could appear. That’s what I always thought and only used hand mirrors so you only saw yourself. 83

After a few weeks I left hospital. It was as if eventually life could get better. Leah told me everyday after school that kids were always asking about me. A load of boys as well. I stayed with Suze and Leah after hospital still because Dad and Nan had to find places to stay. Nan was going to go back to Japan and Dad was planning on buying an apartment for me to stay in occasionally because after everything Suze thought of I as her own and I didn’t want to lose her as a motherly figure so I was staying with her during the week and dad at weekends. Dad didn’t know Lucy so well, so we let Lucy stay at Suze’s and we were planning to tell Lucy that Suze was her mother. Eventually id tells Lucy but I had to wait till she could understand.84

So about three days after resting and being bored, Suze allowed me to go to school. I had to have a back brace and wasn’t allowed to do sport for about a month but that was perfectly okay with me. I entered the school gates with Leah, suddenly all the friends I hadn’t seen in what felt like a year ran over to me. Jessica gave me a massive hug. She had to check I wasn’t hurting first though. But it proved they cared. I was seriously happy about that.85

I knew I kept saying in the past the eventually things went back to normal, or eventually I was happy. But I was sick of the eventually, eventually is a word that means you had to wait to get it. There had to be a change. Why did I have to wait to be happy? It was as if I was destined to be on this survival of what the world called life and now what do I have to prove about it? Friends and Family, everyone has friends and families, so it did86