Act of Innocence

1

It's amusing how people can act so fake, yet seem so real. They act so innocent like they have never done anything wrong before, yet they take advantage of you when they know you have fallen for their act. I know a lot about putting up fronts in front of people. Most people feel they can't be themselves around me so they try and pretend to be someone they're not.2

I met a good actor once, not a movie actor, but an actor who tried to be someone  he wasn't and acted real... well until I fell for it. His name was Matthew. We started out as friends and that's all I wanted it to be because I had heard a lot of rumors that Matt was not who he appeared to be. The more time I spent with him, the more normal he seemed to me. I never realized anything odd about him so I blocked out all the rumors I had heard about him.3

We weren't friends long before we started dating. I seemed to loose a lot of friends over dating him and I just couldn't realize what the problem was. My mother had left my “Father” while Matt and I were together so she really didn't know much about our relationship. I never talked to my family about anything. Most of the time, all my feelings were bottled up inside.4

My “Father” knew I was dating Matt. Matt lived in the same apartment complex as me. At first my “Father” didn't accept me dating him but after 14 years of being 100% non social, my “Dad” knew that there was nothing he could do to stop me. I was going to put up a fight and at times, I did just that.5

After about three months, my dad learned to accept Matt. Right about the same time that he did, I started to notice those obscene things that people were telling me about him. My “Dad” had taken me out of school so I could go to work with him everyday. He made me do the labor while he just sat back and did the paperwork about every three hours or so.6

My “Dad” had met a woman named Melody and all his time and energy was then given only to her. He continued to work but instead of dragging me along, he started to drag her along. I got to babysit my brother Billy, which I enjoyed a lot.7

I guess my “Dad” felt a bit guilty for not coming home until a few days later because he was out with Melody all the time. He invited Matt to spend a couple nights at our apartment while he was gone with Melody. It kind of made me mad because I felt like the only reason he was allowing it was because he needed someone to watch me. Usually Matt and I just watched television and hung out with a couple of his friends.8

Matt had ended up moving about fifteen minutes from where I lived. His mother worked most of the day and had another 23 year old son. She was very lenient with her children. They both got to do whatever they wanted, when they wanted. 9

My “Dad” was gone three to four nights in a row. He barely called to check up on me himself and when he did, which was very rarely, he called me just to see how much housework I had gotten done that day.10

When my “Father” did come home, it was always in the middle of the night. Matt and I were usually up watching television. He would bring Melody with him when he came home and she would walk right past me without even saying hello. My “Dad” would constantly keep her in the bedroom. The same place he forced my mother to stay most days. 11

That night my “Dad” had come home and told me that I was allowed to go over Matt's house. (Keep in mind that I was never allowed over to anyone's house until that night.) Matt bugged me to go to his house, just once, so I did. I felt really uncomfortable since I had never been allowed over anyone's house so I didn't know how to act and respond to certain things. I had a feeling that he wanted me to go to his house for a reason and that one reason was to try and have sex with me. He was one of those pushy guys. It didn't bother me much because I knew I could say “No” and it wouldn't be a problem. That's what I thought anyway...12

That night, my “Dad” drove Matt and I to his new house. When we got there he said that he would pick me up around 4:00 am.  It was already like midnight at this point. He said that it should be plenty of time to hang out. I met his mother and his brother that night. They stayed up most of the night I assumed, and slept in the daytime. His brother was a drug addict. 13

Matt raped me that night. All I can remember was that he had asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I told him “No.”  Of course I told him in a nice way. He kept making jokes and saying “You know you want too.” I kept saying “No, I don't, I'm not ready.” Next thing I knew, his 6'6” body was on top of me while he held my hands down above my head and raped me. I screamed shouting “Stop!” and “No!” but no one came to my rescue. I felt like everyone in his house knew what he was doing. I began to cry but it didn't matter. I'll never forget that night.14

I didn't have a choice of loosing my virginity, something that is supposed to be so pure and special. It was forced upon me and I have to live with that the rest of my life. Matt was schizophrenic and bi-polar. He was doing drugs and I didn't even know it. He also cheated on me several times.15

I never looked beyond what I wanted to believe and I suffered the consequences from someone I thought was so faithful and innocent. You think your in love with the most perfect person, and you might be, but for some out there in this crazy world, you might want to look again. I regret not listening to my friends who knew Matt more than I did. I learned the hard way. Looks can be deceiving.16