He snuck out of the house, no one would know. The large cookie hung in his mouth like a wide grin as he gazed at the house across the street. Tomorrow night, Christmas Eve, he would get the biggest present of them all.1
No one noticed his silent rampage through the area. He'd watched and waited as one family then another packed their SUV's full of presents and snow gear. Quickly half the neighborhood was vacated for the winter holiday. 2
Using all the latest gadgets he'd stolen in Christmas' past he bypassed all the bells and lights that would go off in each big house. For the dogs he wrapped steaks in bows, tis the season after all. With a flick of the wrist and a twist of his head in and out the door he fled. Not a word did he utter but went straight to his work filling his bag with jewelry then turned with a jerk. The big screen TV made his eyes twinkle merrily, and with a little trouble he heaved them into the snow. 3
One house after another he emptied out until just the one was left the biggest prize of them all. He snuck in after dark that Christmas Eve, climbed on the roof and went in the attic window. He felt a little like Santa Claus. He moved quietly and used his computer to fool the alarm system. It gave the green light and he moved on into the house. He found the master bedroom, what a treasure trove! Electronics galore and diamonds a plenty, all dumped quickly into his sack. Purses of Parada and Armani ties, he took those too for tomorrow he and his girl had to look good for the in-laws.4
He made his way from room to room not forgetting a thing. He found everything on his wish list and more.5
"Hello? Gary? Is that you? Did you bring the ice?" A woman's voice came from the last room down the hall.6
He felt two things in that moment, fear and excitement. Someone was here! He needed to get out. Yet the voice was sultry. He licked his lips and let the brain below his belt win the argument as to whether to stay or go. She'd gone to the doorway in her nightgown to look for Gary. Only she became shocked to see this strange man standing right in front of her.7
"You're not supposed to be here. Why are you here?" he said quietly.8
"We're-we're house sitting" she stuttered.9
He'd been moving closer to her and she'd been backing up until she hit a wall. "No! Don't! Gary!" She screamed but it was no use.10
He hungrily took hold of her and threw her on the bed. She tried to crawl away but he jammed his knee into her stomach. Still she scratched and yelled at him. 11
"Settle down or this will become more painful than it needs to be." He whipped out his knife and held it near her throat.12
She quieted for a moment. More confident now he used the knife to cut away the thin straps and pulled her nightgown down revealing her soft flesh. He grabbed her breast roughly and she took that moment to flail and try to bat the knife out of his hand. 13
It didn't work and only enraged him. He sliced her. 14
"Now be a good girl!" She wasn't quieting however, the searing pain made her weep and she scratched his face again giving him two bloody cheeks. "Stop!" He pounded the knife into her. Blood spurted across his chest. She screamed louder but after he stabbed her six more times she settled into a deep silence. "Stop! Stop!" He kept yelling and stabbing not realizing she wasn't moving anymore.15
Hands gripped at him and he went into a mad fit swatting at the air as he was pulled off the woman's body.16
"What the hell have you done to her?" This must be Gary, the clean cut boyfriend. Yet he didn't have much time to think about it as Gary saw her blood all over him. Gary crushed his hand holding the knife under his foot then started hitting him like a wussy accountant.17
He'd had enough of this guy and started fighting back. They fought down the hall and rolled down the stairs together until Gary tossed him into the fireplace where his head was hit hard. Gary kicked him through the door and into the thick snow. Taking the shovel near the door Gary started beating him senseless until he didn't move anymore. 18
And there he lay when the police came and one remarked with a laugh, "Look, Santa Claus." And certainly the burglar's clothes were covered in red, ashes and soot his beard white with snow.19
Author notes
I also edited this into a poem form;
http://storywrite.com/story/237960
Written for the MiNoNaNo group my challenge of a crime drama 700 words +/-10
In a list
A contest entry
- Monsters, villains, and scoundrels. by Oddities.
2250 points, ended January 15, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me A Good Short Read by felanor.
525 points, ended June 8, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Holiday Fun! by Nublada.
455 points, ended August 3, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you like the short story form better than the poem form?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I read both the story and the poem form just for kicks and I think I preferred the poem version a little more since the tone of the piece started out semi-sing-song-ish, which I thought was cool, but didn't QUITE rhyme and then sort of just - broke apart into a regular story. I think I would have preferred it to be even MORE sing-song-ish, like telling a little kid a bedtime story, except it's GRUESOME - since it'd kind of just add to the irony of the whole thing (like that last image, which is awesome!). Overall though, really nice work! I enjoyed the Christmas gone wrong aspect.
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Hi, Thanks, yeah I think I kind of rushed the poem and I might go back and rework it a little before next Christmas.
Thanks for reading and commenting, it's appreciated.
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Thank You!
This was a blast to read. I've always wanted to read about a Christmas gone wrong. When I started reading it, I thought to myself, "Finally! A Christmas gone wrong!" but then you gave it another twist at the end. A Christmas gone wrong for two!
I really enjoyed reading this and will definitely be looking into your other writings!
Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!
~Felanor
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for reading and commenting.
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I try to leave a comment on all the stories. Seems a common enough courtesy for you taking the time to write!
Thanks again for entering. -
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Yep, me too, but strangely enough not everyone does, and so it doesn't hurt to thank the ones that put some effort into it.
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i think i was better as the poem
there's no more detail in the story, but it looses some of the humour.
and im not too keen on the ending, i actually like teh idea of stealing presents from rich kids, (either becuse they dont deserve them, or just out of spite) better than the standard rape / murder. -
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Yeah, the only real difference is the poem rhymes. I could always revisit the story to add detail later, it would make sense to do that.
yeah it's not a bad idea of stealing from the rich... kind of a robin hood thing
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A study in contrasts
Very interesting... it started as a lark, a harmless burgler doing the naughty on Christmas Eve... then it became dark and violent indeed. The contrast was effective and the scene at the end closed it well.
well done.
Gezza
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Glad it had the desired effect. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
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np - have a great Christmas!
G
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Wow
How horrifying! Very well written though, kept you with it up to the end.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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interesting
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