I Don't Have a Gun...

I leant calmly back against the bar and stuck my thumbs into my pockets. It was a noisy place, this one, and people were going crazy under the strobe lighting. I tilted my head back to gaze at the ceiling, but after a couple of seconds, all I could see was a flashing, blue-white blur.1

I grabbed my drink from the sticky, wooden table, and swallowed it in one. I had lost track of how many I'd already had, but I was much too drunk to care. Still, I wasn't so out of my head that I couldn't think clearly enough. I set down my glass, and turned my head to watch the punters dancing and yelling all around me.2

I spotted him in the middle of the floor. He was wearing a lopsided smile as he danced, his hair brushed back from his face. I could see sweat sparkling on his forehead, but he looked as though he would have been out of place anywhere else. He was a regular - the person I had been waiting for all night.3

Through some amazing coincidence, he was looking my way. He was trying to act cool, but I could tell he would be easy. His eyes fixed on me a couple of times, like he wanted to keep looking, but thought he shouldn't.4

The screamers are always the ones who look away.5

I just stood there, making sure my face gave nothing away. I was willing to wait a little longer, if that was what it took. From what I could see, he was alone, so it wouldn't be difficult to get him out of here. He did another quick flicker of his eyes, as though he didn't know I was watching him. Sometimes it takes weeks, but I always find the right one to draw from the crowd.6

His curved, dark lips, his round eyes against smooth skin - yes, he was perfect. It was hard to stop myself from walking right up to him, but it was vital that he make the first move. I knew he would, eventually. It was in his eyes; he wanted me.7

As always, I was right. It took another ten minutes of glancing away and back again, but I saw him begin to make his way through the pulsing crowd. I let myself smirk, and I finally looked away. I knew how to play my part; this would be very easy.8

"You're not gonna give in, are you?" His voice was low and slurred, and it suited the sparkle in his eye. He thought he was an expert, it was obvious. He couldn't have been that much younger than me. There was something so tempting about the smell of beer on his breath, but that was kid-stuff. You should never let them know how drunk you are.9

"You didn't give me a chance," I replied, as coldly as possible, but I made sure to position my body so it was just a couple of inches away from his. I could see the confusion in his eyes, but more than that, I saw lust. He was practically handing himself on a plate - but then again, I don't much like challenges.10

"Will you tell me your name, at least?" He asked me, the slight raise of his eyebrows telling me he was getting a little anxious. I had to suppress a smile at this guy's ignorance; the average intelligence of his regular prey must have been poor.11

"Yeah," I said, licking my lips. I felt him shiver, and this time I didn't stop myself from smiling. "It's Ryan - but does it make a difference?" His mouth opened slightly, but he tried to hide it. It's no good, baby - I know your game better than you think.12

"Well... I'm Brendon," he told me, trying to recompose himself. He bared a few of his teeth in a drunken grin, but he finally knew that I was in control. Without bothering with any more tedious preamble, I placed my lips firmly against his, and wrapped my arm around his neck. I felt him respond greedily, pressing his crotch against mine as though trying to make it clear that he wanted me for only one thing. That was fine - I couldn't have hoped for anyone so perfect.13

For one, quick second, I ran my fingers down my left thigh, feeling the cold, metal bulge which protruded just below my hip bone. I smiled in satisfaction, still kissing Brendon, and then stepped backwards. Brendon staggered forwards into my chest, looking slightly dazed. I gave him a quick smirk; it's unbelievable the way people let their guard down as soon as they think there's a chance of sex.14

"C'mon," I muttered, not caring whether he heard or not, and took his wrist with one hand. I led him carefully out through the back door of the club, ignoring people's laughter and the thump of the bass which was being flooded through the speakers. I was on him again once the heavy door clanged shut, and this time he wasn't holding back.15

His hands went beneath my shirt, and he busied his lips with mine as I steered him with my hands. He let me push him against the wall, letting out a moan whenever it was appropriate. I ran my hands down his legs, moving my mouth to the vein in his neck, and he gasped, wrapping his arms around my waist as though he weren't grinding enough already.16

Once again, my fingertips found the sharp metal beneath my jeans. Brendon's eyes were closed, and the way he groaning, we may as well have been fucking already. Digging my teeth softly into the skin of his neck, I grasped the knife in my hand, and slowly, quietly, brought it up to meet his throat.17

He didn't notice for a couple of minutes, but all of a sudden, his gasps turned to a shocked silence. I felt his breath come short in his chest, and I grinned, not lifting my head. He started to stammer something, but he couldn't form his words; he was afraid, but not as much as he was hard.18

I gently pressed the blade into soft flesh just below his jawline; he yelped, and I felt his hands clench into shaking fists behind my back. I bit down on his collar bone, and that same noise came again. He was torn between the fact that some guy was kissing his neck, and the fact that the same guy was also holding a knife against his skin. Any second now, he would lose it - then, things would get interesting.19

"S-stop... get that away from me!" He started to beg, his voice whining pathetically. I finally raised my head, and saw that he was biting his lip so hard it was turning white. I smiled lewdly, and moved the tip of the knife to touch the corner of his mouth.20

"This?" I teased, tracing the edges of his lips with the knife. Cold tears began to spill from his eyes; a couple of moments later, the sobbing followed. "Shh... shh, baby," I muttered, feeling my heart race in my chest, and my stomach squirming. This was what I had waited for - to see his eyes filled with fear.21

"W-what are you g-going to do?" He asked, forcing out the words between his cries. I pressed the knife into his cheek, and at last, he screamed.22

"Shh..." I said again, and dragged the blade down to meet his jawbone. A thin, red line sprung up in its wake, and Brendon screamed again, his blood already mixing with his tears.23

"Help! H-he's going to..." his sobs took over again, and I knew that it was now or never. I took hold of his throat between my finger and thumb, making him gag on his wailing, and lifted the knife so he could easily see it.24

"Take your time..." I whispered, and in one, liquid motion, I pulled the knife across his throat, my expression focused. He squawked in fear, his hands clawing at my back - and then he was silent, and his eyes fell closed.25

I moved away from him, and his body slumped to the ground. I stowed the bloodied knife in my pocket, and knelt down next to the corpse, examining the gaping mouth which I had carved in his neck. I put my lips to the wound for a second, and pulled away tasting salt and alcohol. He was still perfect - the shadow of terror still remained on his face.26

Picturing that last scream in my head, I began to tug down my pants, and lay down on top of Brendon.

Author notes

By VampireFriends

Stuff for contests:
A murder through the killer's eyes.
Amanda Vampiress
Option Four: Crime, Horror, Erotica
Topic one: Crime

A contest entry

Is this too twisted?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 16

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    Too twisted? Yes!!! But in a good way. Thanks for entering the contest and good luck
    Brooke


  • AshleyAesthetic
    March 23

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    Its much more sexual than I would ever imagine someone entering in such a contest. But somehow, you made it work. I like how unexpected parts of it are, yet there are still horrific parts that you can almost plan ahead in your mind. great job!


  • VelvetWings
    March 12

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    To be honest I was a little put off by the fanfiction category, but it seems like a generic enough write for me to allow it. Generic, that is, in the names of the characters only. (If it is indeed a fanfiction, please spare me the knowledge of who these two men are.)
    The story was deliciously twisted, although no part of it really made me cringe. The suspense was great; for a while I didn't know if he was going to kill him or just wanted to play bondage games.
    It'd be interesting to know whether or not he got caught out at the end, though.
    Anyway this is a great write, and thanks for entering my contest! Good luck.
    ~Sparrow


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 6

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    Well told on the whole; your descriptions were fitting and precise, and you didn't slip into overexaggeration when describing Brandon's fear. There was nothing I disliked about the story, it just didn't particularly leap out at me, I'm afraid. Still, it was worth the read, and I thank you for entering.

    Good luck with the contest.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    March 3

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    Very nice!
    This was a very interesting chapter. I liked the entire story. It held my attention from beginning until end. The characters seemed so real and believable. The plot I could sort of predict, but you did make the story your own. I like how you put so many emotions into the story; and they worked well together. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • Atticus Unanimous
    March 1

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    Oh my god you sick puppy! I find myself appalled that I could love this so much and thrilled that I have read it. You mix sensuality with twisted desires and the result is amazing. Wine laced with blood and a hit of pot. I love your characters, your voice, the intensity of both emotions and atmosphere, the style with which you write. Excellent job.

  • catacombkittenz
    February 28

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    Wow.

    I normally don't like things like this but you've done a spectacular job. Quite descriptive and really intense.

  • SilentMoonDance
    February 27

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    Nice...

    Woah, this story is beyond twisted! It's wickedly perverse, sexy and well written, of course. I love the description of characters and their nightclub surroundings. You definitely painted a vivid picture for me...that's what I look for, how realistic a story can be. Ryan was so sadistic--Seriously, what was his motive behind killing Brandon, then screwing his corpse? For just the thrill of it? This was an interesting read and kept me entertained throughout, as sick as that sounds. There's great transition within this piece and no flaws that I can see(Can't believe you're sixteen and wrote this, you have talent).

    Great job, sicko, and good luck in my contest! 

  • VariousSingularity
    February 21

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    P14: 'below the my hip' --The or my, which is it man? Though, technically, it should be my...

    I really liked this. I thought I'd hate it, because I can't stand a lot of the more erotic tales on this site. But you've a fantastic narrative style in which you give a way the details in all the right locations, and let other things remain entirely to the reader's imagination. That, my friend, makes you awesome.

    "Too twisted?" No, not even close.


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    February 19
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    I just read that you're 16!! I can't believe that someone as young as you, could write such a compelling story ... you are extremely talented!


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    February 19

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    Whew ... quite powerful writing!! You had me hooked from almost the 1st paragraph!! I enjoyed this very much


  • esimbf
    February 13

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    I love the twist and the lumining suspence. Wondering the whole time if he was going to kill him or not. It was a very interesting story. Thank you for entering my story and good luck.

  • kcints
    February 8

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    I should mention that since you specifically asked me to review this, I'll be going through bit by bit and telling you what I think as I go.

    Paragraphs 4 and 5 should meld better. I can tell you put some thought into what you wanted to say in paragraph 5, considering the sentence stands alone. I like it, because without reading the rest of the story, and without any real context, it prepares the reader for what may be coming. Lines like that literally force the reader to go back and read it again, because it seems so out of place at first, even when it really isn't. In short, it grabs the reader's attention in a big way, which is why paragraph 4 needs to flow right into it.

    Might I suggest:

    "...like he wanted to keep looking, but thought he shouldn't." (paragraph 4)

    "The screamers are always the ones who look away." (5)

    "I just stood there..." (6)

    Also, the line for paragraph 5 is just a tad bit awkward itself. If you'd like, I'll try to be more specific, or offer a revision myself, but given the importance of the line, I just feel like it needs something.

    For paragraph 7, the first line seems a bit off. I think even just removing "his" from before "smooth skin" would make it flow a little easier. I don't know if you're in the habit of reading your own work aloud--I know I hate doing it--but it can really help you discover sections that don't sound quite right. Oh, and it should be, "but it was vital that he -make- the first move." Depending on where you grew up, and where you went to school, the urge to use the past tense here might have been deliberate, or a mistake, but I promise you in this case the present tense is the right one to choose.

    I wish I had as much to comment on in the latter part of the story, but I'm afraid I couldn't be bothered to stop reading long enough to write a note from this point until the end. I went back over everything again, quickly, and I couldn't find anything in particular I'd really change.

    Your descriptions are great. As I said in your other story, I have no problem seeing what you see when you write. A huge challenge for a lot of writers is conveying the image they see in their head to the reader. This is something you do exceptionally well, I think. At the very least, I have a very clear image in my head while I'm reading.

    I like the main character, or rather, I like him as a character. I don't think I'd like to meet him on the street. I do like his arrogance. I like his honesty. I love the contrast of emotions between him and his victim. On the one hand you have a guy who's anxious, even desperate to be seen as cool. He's passionate, and a little awkward. He allows both his moans of approval and his sobs of terror to escape uncensensored. He wears his heart on his sleeve. Our main character, Ryan, on the other hand, seems all but devoid of emotion. I like that. I like how he can take a life, drink in terror, and do...whatever it is he does to satisfy his urges without much more than smug appreciation of the lack of a challenge Brendon provides. I absolutely love the dichotomy of a character who seems so in control of himself, and yet he obviously can't control his urge to kill.

    Bravo, kid. You've got the tools. You've got an imagination. Keep on writing. Oh and whenever you're ready, send me another link.

    Cheers,
    Kcints

    P.S. - Is this too twisted? That's a question for each individual reader. For my part, I don't think so. For mainstream audiences, maybe. It's true that a lot of people like to be shocked. That's why people go to see horror films. And with each passing horror movie, or piece of writing, it becomes harder to shock those people. At the same time, a lot of people don't like to be shocked. They enjoy seeing the same things over and over again (most sitcoms). So when you ask me, "Is this too twisted?" I have to ask you a number of questions in return.

    Who are you trying to reach? What is your target audience? What do you aspire to be? What do you enjoy writing? Why do you write?

    If you're writing is a hobby, and nothing more, then you don't have to worry about whether the reader thinks this story is too twisted, because you're writing entirely for yourself. If, however, you've got dreams of being on the NY Times bestseller's list, then yeah, maybe you do need to worry about whether this is too twisted or even not twisted enough. Again, that last part is going to depend on your target audience. You can be a bestselling author whether you write slash fiction or children's books, but you can't write both at the same time.

    Okay, enough advice. Think about what I've asked.




  • SigningOff.ImOnline
    February 2

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    Wow. This... Was really interesting. I was enthralled through out the entire story, and I don't say that a lot. I liked the idea of a homosexual serial killer. It was different from the usual read. I liked the predator/prey thing you portrayed from the begginning. It was a deliciously dangerous and sexual plot. I wouldn't have thought you'd be able to mix them together so well. Excellent job. Although I have one question that bothered me since I learned their names... Are they based off Ryan Ross and Brendon Urie from Panic At The Disco? I just had to ask.


  • wolf-storm
    February 2

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    WOW that was really good. I mean I'm not into the whole gay thing(no offence) but you really played it well through this story. All the detail wow. Thanks for putting it into the contest.


  • LadyLionnir
    January 16

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    I don't want to offend anyone, but damn! A gay killer is brilliant! I never once thought of it and as I was reading it, I couldn't stop. You got inside the mind of the killer so well that, for a few moments, I actually felt fear. If you can put yourself into the shoes of another so naturally, you can do anything.

    On to the actual writing, I didn't spot mistakes as I was reading. Maybe I was too enthralled by the story itself; maybe that weren't any. Great work! The sexual tension, too, was written well and the whole "game" just kind of seemed mysterious.

    The comment you left on Flaming Fires story is also exactly what I wanted. You're the only one to point out only good things, but I think that will work with you and not against.

    Thank you for entering my contest!

  • Zephorus
    January 4

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    Entertaining. i love stuff like this it's so much fun to read and you just made it perfect. Noth many people can write some thing like that and make it good.


  • BlamedRobin
    January 1

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    it may have been twisted but it was...wow...damn. This was just so good! I hope u continue to write more stories. I love the way u describe things. U make them seem so real!


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Dang!!

    Before I lend my commentary corner, I have to admit that this was ...wow (in a good way). As for this story being 'too twisted'- well, I really liked it. But on the flip-side, suggestive wise, might I recommend that in paragraph one you omit the comma after flashing ; and in paragraph four, it's a toss up on possibly trying the usage of the semi-colon in line three(?) just to see if it flows better.

    Overall though, this held my attention throughout.


  • XxSkyTheRainbowxX
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow!? i never seen someone write about
    slash before?? lol but it is very good
    story keep up the work mkay^^....oh and
    welcome to SW!!!! have fun
    love,Sky♥

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