Nightmare

"If they ask, I wasn't here, okay?"
"I wasn't here, please."
His voice was so far away, I could barely hear it. But I squeezed his soft, warm palm tighter.
"Don't leave me," I pleaded, I begged. But one tug and my hand was empty. So cold. Alone.
It was black and yet I could still hear the sounds around me, life bustling about, birds in the sky, the chatter amongst the happy living. It faded in and out, and all muffled together into one loud buzzing sound echoing in my head.
Drifting further away from what wasn't there. Why am I so cold? Why can't I stop shaking? Please make this sound go away!! Tears began streaming down my face, uncontrollably swooshing into puddles seeping into every crevasse on my face.
Where did he go? Why is he not here with me? His face lingered in my mind, replaying over and over, "I wasn't here, tell them."
Why doesn't he love me? What did I do wrong? tears began picking up, I could faintly hear the bellowing and heaving of my breath in the midst of the black.
Why doesn't he want to save me? Why doesn't he want to protect me? Every thought just like another stab to my heart.
So Alone.
"Some friends you have, just leaving you here." A woman's voice? IT was course, rough, and mocking.
"They really care about you." A man? He was chuckling to himself, or was it to others? I can't tell, it's too far away, so distant. I don't bother to look.
"Look here kid," said the man. It takes too much strength to open my eyes.
Must come back down into the lifeless body. I can't move. My eyes open slightly, the light from the blazing sun blinds me.
The woman was my height, over weight for looking to be in her early thirties. She had curly brown hair slopped into a crunchy bun on her head, slicked back with too much gel. She had soft wrinkles on her forehead and an ungodly mole on the right side of her upper lip. Such an interesting character to look at. Big brown eyes, masked with too much makeup.
"Listen...to...me..." Words coming from her mouth in slow motion as I glanced towards the man: young twenties, tall, tan, brown hair perfectly swooped to one side, muscular built, not hard on the eyes.
"Can you hear me?" He says. They words drowned out by so many other sounds.
FOCUS.
"You're going to be fine," words, he just keeps spitting out words, "you will be just fine," he says laughing as he looks at the wretched lady, both wearing matching blue outfits.
They laugh harder now, "hahaha"
It echoes in my head.
HAHAHAHAHA
I close my eyes, the sounds only get louder, HAHAHA, "some friends you have..." all the sounds just drowning together now... "stupid kid, really teaches you a lesson, huh?" Was it the woman? The man? I am not exactly sure. I don't care. I can't tell.
They don't care about me at all. "HAHAHAHA" It's all a fucking joke to them. "HAHAHA" I am going to die. "SHUT UP AND FUCKING SAVE ME!" I want to scream, I want to punch them in the face, but I don't move. I can not open my mouth.
I just close my eyes and drift further. I am no longer a part of my body. It lays there and I watch over it, watch this nightmare playing out.
Who fucking cares if I die? Clearly these people just think this is a joke. The one person who I love, who I want to to be there, just ran away to save his own ass... "I wasn't here." It echos in the darkness, the laughter booming, "HAHAHA." He doesn't love me. All I wanted was for him to be with me.
I see my body start shaking and my breathing weezing, while tears fall faster and harder to the ground. I can faintly feel a pain in my throat burning from trying to gasp air.
My mind can't stop running. Why doesn't he love me? Why isn't he here? Where am I going? What do I do?
The pain in my throat diminishes as the pain in my heart grows bigger, cutting deeper and deeper. The sounds were gone.
I phase in and feel a cloth being draped over my body. I hear people talking, beeping noises, and wheels of a chair rolling. No, no a chair, a bed, the one I am in.
I like the cloth over my body. It makes my body tingle. It's so warm, helps the shaking go away. It holds me together. I open my eyes a little, and it makes darkness. The darkness is comforting.
Am I alive? I don't care. It's warm. The darkness is soothing. I close my eyes drifting faster away. Warm. So Warm.
I feel a little happier thinking I won't have to wake up. Quiet! The sounds are almost gone. The pain is going away. So close. Come closer. Almost there.
"CAN YOU HERE ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Noooooo. The darkness is fading, come back. Come back. I drift back down into my own body, my eyes are being pulled open and a flash of white blinds me. I hear myself groan. I want to scream but I am not in control. I am just in my body, watching it all happen, hearing myself yelping like a dog.
I try to close my eyes but I can't, they are being held open by these fat fingers in latex gloves.
"LOOK AT ME."
The light shines in my eye. My body winces.
I see the fat fingered man, he has pasty white complection, a big brown beard. That is all I can focus own, the big brown beard.
I hear a female, "What's the status?" The beardman speaks very loudly and I can sense so much anger in his voice, "Her eyes are dialating, she can here us."
"Then why won't she respond?" asks another unfamiliar face. Beardman lets go and I squeeze my eyes tight shut, welcoming the darkness. Come back darkness. Drifting away as I hear beardman speaking to some of his fellow unbearded companions, "She doesn't want to hear us. She's playing childish games."
I feel all their eyes on me, but I don't care. I search deeper in the darkness and here them speaking louder to me, "Stop crying, did someone hurt you? Are you in pain?"
"I know you can hear me, talk to me, did someone do something to you?"
Darkness fades and I feel myself coming into my body again, I am grasping for air, I feel the wet salty tears all over my face. I heave, but nothing is coming up.
Did anyone do anything to me? Did anyone do anything to me? I don't have anyone, what the hell are they thinking?
"We want to help you, but you have to talk to us." Beardman says. I don't respond.
I lie in my body thinking of everything rushing back. The feeling of aloneness, the pain dripping from every inch of my body, shaking, burning in my hand. OW! What IS that?!
I peek my eyes open and see a needle being stabbed into my right hand. I feel venom burning in my arm. What is that!? It hurts! The pain, the pain.
I deserve the pain. No more fading away. I deserve this. I am a pathetic being who deserves every inch of the pain. Scorching and burning by body. Stay in. FUCK IT HURTS. Don't fade away, you did this, you deserve to suffer. Feel the fire. Feel the emptiness, feel the lonliness. FEEL IT.
I hear myself muffle scream. Why?
The crying deeper, the breathing harder. I can't catch my breath. I need to fade. I close my eyes. The darkness is so near.
NO. I deserve this pain. I have to feel.
I can't breathe. My heart beats faster, I am so scared.
I feel a burst of cool in my left arm. It's chilling, gives me the shakes, but it's calm. I peek open my eyes and see an IV in my hand. I close my eyes and don't have to breathe. Something can do it for me. I feel the air in my nose.
I don't even have to try.
I sink deep into my body, awake, alive, but restless, scared, alone, so alone.
Go to sleep, it's only a nightmare, wake up and you will be fine.
I sink deeper. Erase my mind. Think of the white blank slate. White.
I hear whispers from far away as I feel myself moving. A woman, "We gave her some of it to stop the crying, it hasn't ceased, but it has lessoned, something is wrong with her. We will keep her to monitor her irregular heart beat and clean out her system"
What did they give me!? What is wrong with me? What are they talking about? It made no sense to me.
No, white slate. WHITE. Please, WHITE....
I open my eyes to see a male in a white labcoat standing next to me, "Oh you're awake, how are you feeling?"
A nurse walks by, "look, the crier is awake." It was so mocking. I hear a few poeple laugh.
I look around and see my arm hooked up to an assortment of fluids.
NO! It had to be a nightmare. It was only being dreamnt up.
Why did I have to wake up? Where am I? Why am I hear?
This pitiful black whole in my stomach began to get bigger and bigger. God no. Please.
It was all coming back to me again. There I sat. Again. Alone. Feeling like such a fool, such an idiot.
My phone rings uncontrollably against the frame of the plastic hospital bed. Not stopping, making noises that ring in my head.
I just want to go back to sleep. I want to go into the darkness and not wake up.
I grab the phone and look at the caller ID: HIM. The wrenching knot in my stomach grew tighter, making me nausous. What the hell does he want?
"Ignore." I smile slightly at this key on the phone, what a great invention. Three minutes later it rings again: HIM. "Ignore."
I fall asleep but only to wake up to a nurse exchanging the fluids. And someone else in the room. One of HIS friends.
Wow. He couldn't even come see me for himself. He sent someone for him. Tears stroll down my face.
"How are you feeling?" she asks, "I am here for you, we are all here for you."
I cry harder. I don't open my mouth. Bullshit, bullshit. I had no one. NO ONE.
The doctor tells her that I am not ready to leave yet. Thank you doctor, thank you doctor. Please don't let them take me.
She tells me to get some rest, so I sink down and close my eyes....1

I wake up. Sweating. My breathing faint. A nightmare. THE nightmare. Over again. My heart racing so fast. Why can't I forget? Will I ever forget?
It's THE nightmare. I dream. Everynight.2