Dealing with Depression

Do you know what its like to be empty? Can you comprehend living in isolation everyday? Can you understand the feeling of nothing? I can. I know what its like to not feel. I know what its like to need something, to want something. I know what its like to have no feeling, no love, no hate, no regret, no caring. I know what its like to have all emotion just disappear. I know what its like to need pain. Do you know what its like? Can you deal with depression? I can. 1

I have decided not to go into what has caused the depression, that story is for another time, another place, another paper. The only thing that is important to me is the fact that I can say, I was depressed, but I dealt with it. The pride that comes along with that statement is something that no one can ever fully comprehend unless you yourself have been there. The need for something besides the daily chore of breathing is only fully understandable after you have been through it. I was able to take that daily need for pain, that daily want of blood, and change it into a daily want to live, the daily need to breathe. Several things brought me through the transformation; several things have helped me through a life of cold, cruel nothingness. First, however, I believe that I should give you a taste of what it is like to be depressed. Therefore, I will give to you a poem that I wrote when I can truly say that I was at the deepest and lowest point of depression and sadness. This poem was written by me, seconds after I had fulfilled my need for pain, my need to feel something besides pure emptiness. The name of this poem is "Daggers"2

Silence cut with a razor sits in my mind.3

Nothingness envelops me. I sit with my hands on this gun, caressing its steel...4

Looking at the picture of you.5

I try to understand what you did. Try to understand the feelings that have confronted my soul, attacking my heart.6

My mind bleeds for you.7

I am lost in the forest of your lies.8

So you went away again. Falling into yourself.9

I watched you from far away. Hearing your screams I ran to you.10

I watched you die. Held your head. And cried.11

So now it’s my turn. I thought of you one last time. Thought of my parents, knowing their hurt. Thought of Kristin, Ali, Angel, Melissa, JT.12

Thought of their pain, thought of what they wanted. Knowing that in the end, it doesn’t really matter.13

I’m too far gone now. This concrete soul of mine just seems to drown me. I sat waiting for you. Knowing that for the last time...I would see your face.14

The silence grew like the weight of a thousand daggers, stabbing through my defenses, piercing my soul. I looked at you and said goodbye, Put the gun to my head and pulled the.... 15

Written in the pain of one’s last moments, I wrote it to say goodbye. It was the first of many notes. However, as I progressed through time, I leaned on my friends, I leaned on my family, and I got better. Some would say I was sick, some would say that I am just plain psychotic. But, they as people don’t know what I went through, they don’t know my story. Well, I am getting off topic so to get back to the whole reason of writing this, I healed. I taught myself that living was something to look forward to, not something to regret. 16

Poems like "Daggers" helped me through such low points. The ability to speak to others about how I felt through poetry has allowed me the release I need. I truly believe that without the gift of writing, I would have been dead. Writing allows me to put my soul on paper. It allows me to analyze myself, to see where I am confused, to see what I am missing. I still use poetry and writing today to allow myself to understand exactly what I am feeling and exactly what I am thinking. I say to others that may be depressed and considering suicide, I ask you to turn to writing. I joined an online poetry group called AllPoetry.com and it has allowed others to read my works, allowing me to see how others view me through my works. I am allowed to see my own analysis and others analysis to give me the opportunity to grow, to heal. I also used writing to give me a challenge. To this date I have about 53 poems on AllPoetry.com and it has given me the challenge to write each poem better than the last. It gives me a way to look forward to the next day. I used writing to give me a reason to live, a reason to breathe. I told myself that without my writing that I would not be able to continue, therefore I continue to write. In order to defeat depression, one must first defeat himself. One must realize that they are in trouble that they need help. Then one must seek that help. For me, that help came in the form of words. 17

Writing of course wasn’t the only way that I got better. I relied heavily on my friends. During depression, one may feel separated from their friends and family, this feeling of separation gives us a reason to lean towards them even more. "Everyday 80 Americans take their own lives and more than 1,900 are sent to emergency rooms for self-inflicted injury. A disproportionate number are between the ages of 12and 17." (Battle). Self inflicted injuries lead to suicide. People have given some of us a brand. They call us cutters, however, they don’t understand the reasons why. We as "cutters" feel that this way of release, this pain is the only thing that we can feel. It is at this time when we need friends the most. I turned to my friends, and the one person that I have strong feelings for. When I found myself distancing I told myself that I needed them even more, and at times I probably bugged them beyond belief, however, they understood why, and they understood that all I really needed was someone to be there, someone to care. 18

Some believe that drugs are the answer. That chemicals will fix everything. Drugs such as Prozac and Zoloft have allowed some people that little release they need from everything else. But ask the people that take these drugs, do they work long term? Do they really ?cure? depression. In my opinion they don’t. Chemicals and drugs are not the way to feel better. I say to all those that are depressed, immerse yourself in friends, drown yourself in family, but most of all, find something that becomes a challenge, and fight to win that challenge. Whether it be writing, running faster, becoming a better boxer, playing hockey, even playing cards, find that one thing, and hinge everyday upon that one thing. As you do this you will see that maybe you aren’t alone. That others are there to help and to guide you. That maybe, life is worth living. I will leave you with this last poem. It is about someone that gave me the reason to live. This poem is called “Sometimes”.19

Sometimes when I look at you I see your fear.20

Like a dagger brings blood. I can see it seep to the surface.21

Sometimes when I think about you I realize the pain you feel.22

Like a bullet it explodes in my mind, showing everything to me in a bright spray.23

Sometimes when I hold you, I feel the love you have.24

Like a wilted rose reaching to the sun, it grows and blossoms in my heart.25

Sometimes when I kiss you, I realize that Sometimes26

Life is worth living27

Sometimes we just have to realize, that life is worth living.28