A Bespectacled Mind

1

My world would seem unfamiliar without the thin fuzzy outlines that separate the vague colours from the area of clear vision... Indeed, I am so used to my glasses, that I often sleep without taking them off. I feel light-headed without that constant pressure on the bridge of my nose. If I have to rub my eyes when they're off, my fingers tend to reach toward my eyes at a strange angle in order to avoid dirtying an imaginary pair of spectacles... and the sad part is- I cant survive without them. But then- I have grown to like them. They're my only ornament, and I find them useful- in a strange manner.2

I literally look at people through coloured glasses. Glasses that allow me to hide behind them. A place unknown to those with perfect vision, a place so private- I hardly feel the need for anything more. Although I see you, your expressions, your feelings, the thoughts behind your eyes, I remain hidden, completely. I know everything you care to think, but you know nothing. You know nothing about my emotions, my fears, my dreams, my aspirations- nothing. You only know what I care to let you know... My joys and sorrows remain my own if it pleases me so...3

When you ask me to take it off, I would do it merely to please you- since I cannot refuse the slightest wish that passes through your lips into my ears. I would grant it even if you do not ask for it- If my soul understands what your soul craves... But I would grant it. If however, I am given the choice, I would keep them on. I will not willingly let you see that which you will when I take them off- for it will trouble you, and that will trouble me. Sometimes, I get the feeling you know this- Though I pray that you do not. Yes, I am afraid I hide myself even from you. Not because I don't love you enough to let myself be seen, but because I love you too much to harm your sensitive heart with my silly troubles. Troubles that I can pretend to laugh at to anyone who cannot see beyond my eyes. Troubles that I know are not worth bothering about... Let alone bothering your mind with them. I know you, as well as I know myself- and I know you want to be bothered about me, as much as I want to be bothered about you- that is why I do not want you to see...4

Why are you adamant? Why do you force me to do this? Very well... I show you my eyes- that are hidden from the rest of the world. Eyes that have been penetrated only by you, and your mother before you... I let you see, and you understand. You understand me more than I understand myself- which was what I was afraid of. Did you do this just to help me get over my fears? Now that it has happened, I no longer fear it. Now that I cannot hide from you, I no longer fear being known by you... Though I still wish I could hide- It is no longer possible.5

Having had enough, I replace them, and look away. You laugh at me, knowing that it'll make me feel better. Knowing me. Strange words- It has been a while since I though these words- a while since anybody knew me. But now you do. And now you let me know that I cannot hide behind them. For you always did know me- Showing you my eyes has not changed anything, I slowly realise. As you hug me, I hear your heart... such sweet words- woven into a beautiful melody... I can bear it no longer, the pain of being who I am, and knowing you accept me...6

I love you.7